chapter 1
A NEW BEGINNING…
While handling question paper in one hand and in other bottle of poison, I thought that this is my end. I broke all the dreams of my father. I turned my life to the everlasting dark cave which was sometime before, enlighten by the dreams, aspiration and ambition of mine to do something for my father. I made my father’s life living hell. I can’t live with all these sins on my head. I don’t have the right to live. I should die…, I should die.
I looked toward the bottle of poison in my hand. I took a long breath. I took the bottle toward my mouth, then suddenly, my eyes falls on the picture of my father hanging on the front wall. He was smiling, in fact he was hiding the pain of his life from me because he always wants me to be happy. Will he be happy while seeing me unconscious? Will he be happy while seeing me fallen in front of his eyes with closed eyes? Will he be happy to see me dead? Yes, he will have some dreams for me but he can’t even dream me doing something like this.
“It was your fault, you haven’t study. It was not your father’s fault. Who gave you permission to punish your father?” my inner voice shouted to me. “Just imagine how he will feel carrying you to the coffin. Just imagine how he will feel when he will enter to this room and will see that his dream, his child is dead. Your father’s dream is not that you top the every exam and become the richest man on this earth, his dream is you. He wants you to top in every exam of your life.”
My father, a retired man who is now a watchman of a building earns very little. But whatever he earns gets spend on me. I remember one day when my school socks got torn I asked my father to bring new socks, so he gave his socks to me and when I said that what will he wear, he said that he have allergy with the socks. I have no right to harm such a great personality.
I again looked towards the same bottle and in next moment, I throw it. I want to live; I want to live for my father. I will make him happy. Yes, I did badly in this exam but in next exam I will make my father proud on me. This is the beginning of my new life. This is…
After some days, was my results date. I was tense but I knew that I will do better next time. The confidence was boosting within me. Then came my result date. I took wishing from my father and leave to see the results. I was tense and the same fear of my failure grabbed me again in his arms. But I soon came out of fear and saw my results. Yes, I was not the topper but I was among the top ten students. I don’t know why but I was satisfied with my marks.
I returned to my home to face my father. I didn’t know what explanation I would give to my father. But I was sure that everything will get alright after some time. I reached my home and what I saw in front of me was horrible. My father was hanging beneath the fan with the help of a rope and was trying to push away the stool on which he was standing. He was committing suicide. Shock of fear, stunned me at the door for a moment. I didn’t panic; I rushed toward him and saved him.
I didn’t ask him any question for a long time; I waited for him to speak. I had no idea why he did that. We kept on sitting for almost half an hour then my father burst in tears.
“I am sorry Beta but I had to do that. I was feeling so guilty of myself that I had no other way except doing this.”
My father kept on crying, this was the first time I saw him crying. Today the dam of his smile got broken because of the heavy flow of emotions in fact flow of tears.
“But why are you feeling guilty?” I asked him while rubbing his back in order to make him a bit comfortable.
“I have so intelligent son like you but don’t have money to support your brain. You are doing such a hard work in studies but…” he paused and then again continued “I have seen you waking up in nights, compromising with your childhood. I didn’t have courage to say you that my job is no more and I am unable to send you to college.”
There was a long pause between our conversation. Then I continued:
