The Catfish Grimoire (Money Wants To Kill Me)

hello powerbook. You are in possession for now. You are part my hands in this world and praps in others. You will be spellbook, my storyteller, blank page, blackened card, a magic, my map and my memory and history of captivity at the hands of the state and organization of a substance called money... PATO, am calling you catfish grimoire. You the first foremost record, you will help me identify any magics coming in way, you will help broaden my definition of said magics, you be a record of my musings and successes. You will receive all words, symbols and images and bind them together into a cohesion, with spine and with the totality of your pages. You will accept all of this and more for am putting magic into you even as I hold you. You will be a transfer of energy always and forever as you stand. You will aid requests and you will further my clarity and passions, you will be the field into witch I sow. You are not the only, but you are another tool and plaything and recorder, prosper and realize your worth as a record of this, catfish grimoire, an act of war book. And what see the road it takes to learn a book how to recognize itself, from the depths up.

HEYA HEYA HEya HEYA my blood is red, I know cuz I seen it with the eyes in my head.

PART THE ONE- ABSURDITY, HOPE AND DEATH, REVOLT AND DEFIANCE.

I CAME up and the driver asked if I needed a transfer. I said non, and went back to a seat and found half a pack of smokes someone had dropped, witch was fine. I was gonna go home after a long days work at a factory where the bosses took every advantage they could over a worker fellow human being. this is standard practice everywhere i been. Halfway home I decided to go downtown instead, so I rode the bus to a metro station, where I walked up to the front and asked for a transfer. The driver refused to give me the transfer and began to berate me for my choicesxxz. I was standing over his sitting, squawking form, only wanting what I had paid for. He lit a wick with his refusal to do his job and so I CHOPPED him FAST right in the adams apple with the edge of my hand, that felt GOOD thwack!!! I felt his windpipe collapse as he retched forward over the steering wheel, popeyed, paralyzed, a spatter of blood flew out of his mouth and dotted the windshield. SCREAMING I grabbed his hair and the collar of his shirt, I pivoted my hips and hauled his ass out of his seat, centrifugal force and THREW clumping him down the bus stairs. He tumbled down crunch the asphalt, perfectly outlined outside the bus door. I jumped thru the door and landed on his soft form and began to stomp him flat, jumping UP and the BEST crushing DOWN on his head, abdomen, chest, back, whatever I could land on safely, delighting in how his movements slowed down until he cudnt even offer slight resistance. I had to be careful not to have a jagged bone penetrate my foot as I was stomping the fuck out of him, and, believe me, there were a few.

I gingerly got down off him and stood in the spreading flood of blood and bent down to what I reckoned used to be his ear. “haaaaaaAAAAAWAS THAT WORTH IT?!! WAS HOLDING BACK WHAT I PAID FOR WORRRTH IT?!! DO YOU LIKE THAT POWER, NOW? HOW IS YOUR CONTROL DOING? FUCK YOU FOR 2 DOLLARS AND 50 CENTS!!!”-----then I bent down real close and said confidential like, “you know its too bad you lit that wick buddy, and you dint know what you were getting into, for you warnt taught the program quite the sames I was, huh,? Tut tut,” patting his form here and there, being all consoling, cuz what had I wrought?

and the SHINING BUZZ of that vision dispersed, already done IN my head, so its DONE... whew deep breaths, catfish....i looked down and beheld an angry frightened sad individual human being trying to take control anyway afforded. I had compassion, a little, but no empathy or remorse and lots of adrenalin and good plenty restraint I learnt as well. I calmly told the driver he was holding up the good people behind me, and after all, I had paid for this service, and finally, he gave me the grumble transfer. quite breathless... I got off and came away, and sat down on a bench to think about what had happened in my imagination. This aint an isolated incident that happens in my head only once in a while... pardon, this aint a choice, my head rips people apart as soon as I see them. I do not act upon these imagined acts, for I find that just HAVING them thoughts IS AN ACTION DONE for me. As YOU CAN IMAGINE, this distributes an energy around people that I have had to keep veiled while white hot, all the time, catfish. listen, simportant. This is hardly MY fault, I am moving towards a rectification. Its all a part of you.

I have figured out why this continues to occur with every one inside my head, but it took me a long time to study and comprehend. This was the first time I sat down and examined my self concerning this ecstasy harbored. Had to breathe deep and smoke. Gonna tell you all about being a sympathetic sociopath, catfish, soon, map some shit out. You, feel me.

So, its back to school with you catfish, and we is back in class, cuz its time to learn how to deal with the very few very loud very angry people who have at theys disposal some kinda power energy that we all here know as “money”.

Simple, this money came messing about humanity not so very long ago. money came into being as a source of energy and propulsion thru a gateway of pretty SHINY metals, bronze, copper, gold and silver. after, money was represented by paper with numbers and pictures on them, and other metals, too, like coins of nickle. Nowadays, money is represented by digital air, and walls made of numbers that exist inside a net made of sand....and I am kept prisoner by THIS. Yes, not only me, but all kinds of real true people like me are also held captive and held down to destitution, yes, killed, TAKEN AWAY, ELIMINATED.

Preposterous, this anonymous idea of a net of sand and numbers distributing death. You cannot eat money or drink it or breathe it or have a conversation with it. You may think I am joking, but this is what is happening right now, money is taking lives from all the righteous folk. Yeah, and we have to take it on catfish, this is where we at.

listen, BE a book for ‘without remorse or compunction, for nothing is so deplorable as power in mean and ignorant hands- it makes men wanton and giddy and unconcerned at the misfortune they are imposing upon their FELLOW CREATURES, and keeps themselves smiling at mischiefs bringing no one any advantage.’ cribbed that quote for ya, cuz it aint just me who says and feels this huh.

Many people are born and sculpted and forced into a faith believing that the world represented by this energy called money exists and is THE REAL, that it STATES a true thing. it is these people who give that weight and bearing, future and impetus. now, its so sad that this is true, for so many people run around trying to get this thing called money that they trample as many other people as is possible underfoot. There is no mercy. Money has pushed us to take up residence beside the waters, no matter where they may be, and pollute them with our habitation and industry. Money has persuaded us to give up our nomadic lives we all once had, where the true focus was on community and living with and around our one true mother EARTH, and her eggs, dirt-air-fire-water, all our beautiful animal cousins and each ONE. Shit, catfish, its worse than all that even what I tell you, and this horrible flow remains aggressive and destructive to ALL SPIRIT, is used as a tool to take take take. And me too.

The thing is, this money shit was voted in long before I was bornded, every times, and I dint have no say no how bout none of it and at no time has anyone directly asked my opinion of whether or not its a good idea to decide that hard-to-get, number-marked paper is actually worth ANYTHING other than its own damn self. worth something IN something or what? I dun get it, but as for me, I dun think its a good shake, for I was born without recognition of it, and I dun think this money recognizes me either, for if it did, it woulda come looking for me long before now.

I reckon if you give an idea power long enough, and say its name reglar and feed it, it dun matter if it started with no substance at all, its bound to catch sooner or later, especially if theys people after it too, blowing it up and giving it substance with theys belief in it, and it dun matter so much WHAT-the-fuck-ever it is either, ALL GOT to do with VOICE. You could just say something out loud and it could be as made up as anything, and if you say it close to someone who always repeats what is said to them, it will be true within the day, due to repeating and repeating repeatings, and that thing could continue along its own way and gather life, you may say, by the breaths of the people giving it their matter, turning it over theys ear, into theys head, where it tumbles about considerable til it comes out the mouth atoms and molecules weighted to someone elses ear. well, if this process continues long enough, no matter what the original idea was made up, its gonna be true within no time, with weight added and all manner of curlycues and asides hanging off from it snagging the people whose heads and lips and ears perspectives and prejudices it passed thru on its way to being a truth, and its almost become an honest, living thing.

and so, this being the case, catfish grimoire, I can only say I am a prisoner of this society and at its mercies and whims called monies, and that I reject those forces heartily, and declare myself an enemy of them who dare to uphold it, and you too, gonna hafta do that since im teachin ya bout being a book, and see whar you go with it.

It is proper to fight fire with SOMETHING, if only to fight it from overcoming you, engulfing you, stealing you life from you. I love to bust something with words. This is why I want your magic, I want the power to be mine when I struggle with those who hold me voice down, a part of why I am seeking you this magic. There are other reasons, too, catfish grimoire. I want to research my bastard mixed blood half breed self, be able to step from this body at my will, and to keep laws off of my vehicle, my body witch houses my self.

Another reason is to research why it is that so much belief is put into this money way that has 80% and more of us here on earth crushed beneath its guns and illusion. i have something, catfish, that I do not even know that I have, something that is there and I aint developed the instincts to control with it, yet. It is my goal to harness this magic inside of me, hitch myself securely to it and absolutely wield it as an advantage, and so go wherever I desire beyond pretended fences and imaginary lines that are called borders and boundaries haaaaa thass some crazy stupid shit since we are all of EARTH, oh and level out those who oppose our mother earth for reasons I find absent or ignorant and unfounded- even if I have my reasons in the same manner. Such is our task catfish, it feels good to be finally doing this, it has been a long time coming, long time and I welcome the adventure of it, this is a different sort than what I have done before, and I done a lot of things, lived some pretty ornery lives to get here, defined by the magics I define.

I got lotsa help, for I read tons of books so very VERY much, and all that gets caught in this mechanism of me, pato, and I can then jettison it here for you to proof, catfish. You know, to use some words I found in them other books you dunno bout to help load the catapult of what you and I are learning together.

For example, this human called camus wrote that, #1. men pretend to abide by what is right, and never yield except by force. I have certainly found this to be true, and its put into such a succinct way as to be near perfect, leastways I aint said it better. So I gotta put that thought down here inside ya catfish, and learn ya theys others willing to BE. Or else this one, too, I think camus wrote, #2. one who lives with truth knowingly sets himself apart from other men... he can no longer share their illusion. He is an alien- and that is what I am.

See, its thoughts like them I aim to teach ya about now, having gleaned them like so many grains from the drifts of chaff i pored thru to help recognize my point, catfish, across. The idea I like and recognize has already been thought out and encapsulated and set forth down thru the centuries by my ancestors hands, by them forbears of truth and the liberty of each individual of the human body, where my blood reaches all the way from primordial seas, and so that all I have to do is FIND them and set them down in ya, and you can easy see where we are coming from in what i set down as identification of the magics that talks to me, knowing my tastes align towards misfortune by the sheer weight of my lowly bastard mixed blood birth. We is lucky tho, catfish, for we can say and write what we wanna over here, so far.

may 20th is st. joan of arc feast day, and in honor I set down the prayer they dedicated to her some coupla hunnert years after those institutional church men burnt her to death for HER power...pay attention catfish, act of war, these words prepare strength and have you answer to what drives your survival...-

in the face of your enemies, in the face of harassment, ridicule and doubt, you held firm in your beliefs. Even in your abandonment, alone and without friends, you held firm in your faith. Even as you faced your own mortality, you held firm in your faith. I pray that I may be as bold in my beliefs as you, joan. I ask that you ride alongside of me in my own battles, to put your faith and strength in me, and back my battles with your true aim and sure footing. Help me to be mindful that what is worthwhile can be won. I persist. Help me hold firm in my faith. Help me to act well and wisely. Amen.

This prayer I copied down from the glass box screens cuz that woman joan rose up and ignited a righteous fire, all while others dogmas consumed her. Burnt to death. knowing I breathe in the same molecules she exhaled every day fuels ignites me, no end, aint that crazy.

Catfish, all these quotes and saying that other people already come up with and had set down on paper, dun you think that I give them to ya clean and proper, as they were written and intact with the original meanings, thought and intent behind them. Naw, for one thing, most o the time I get these sayings third or fourth or fifth hand after the translators and the editors are thru with them, the phrases may be such a jumbled mess that it takes a lot of patience to eke out the true meaning behind them...and for another thing, I may have added bits or taken away bits as I seen fit before I hand it straight to you know what I MEAN, catfish, on as much the same way one may whittle up a piece of wood just so in order for it to serve the function of a door-latch or whatnot. this is a magic as well, its called the magic of distortion, and much use has been made w/of that over the years, and it will continue to be so for ever as long as there are humans to trigger it. As distorted and hand-me-down as these words or phrases may be catfish, you may be certain that when they are set down in you, they are as good as set down in stone, FOR me, and I know that how my interpretation comes about is as whimsical and chaotic as anything there ever was, knowing what a speck I am on this ball of dust somewhere in a fleck of wispiness scattered across something they call the universe, with my perspective skewed by others hands and by my own chemicaled living too, still there is will and purpose and intent and there is also the call or the stating, and it is heard and summoned and given, I know cuz I heard about these things lots of times, and feel even more every single day.

Joan de arc is big power on me and I do feel her. I do not think she would truck with a sensualist as myself and my base debauch-loving heart. Anyways, I am not appealing to her earthly ways- I am IDENTIFYING to her SPIRIT- to HER themselves spirits driving her to stand and defy what rules stupid ignorant men, that pulled her to fight when she fought, standing side by side with acres of balls and dong astonished of her humanity and light- that fight is what I am appealing to- who will stand against ME ?

Not one, for look at what backs me, at who backs me, all the universe. No one can stand against my talents and abilities, for to stand AGAINST, one must necessarily be standing with or beside one to be AGAINST them, proper, and I will whoever to feel that hardcore friction before I disperse them away from me.. Words are strong, forceful and full of magic, catfish. I will have to be careful of the words ‘no’ or ‘not’ and use them sparingly in the future, so as to fill them with the power of NOT being used, all the better to pressure the impact of them when I DO decide to voice them. A pneumatic “NO” accelerated from the mouth in a weapon like fashion could be as good as a bludgeon. ARROW Focus. Friction attentions.

It has been raining for 5 days and the air is cold and moving winds. Outside bettinas 140 yr old st henri houses obsevatoire window, the black metal scroll steps down its twist before the trembling lift of the rain sod of the green, those leaves fairing before a grit rust plastic brick wall across her tiny courtyard. The sky pushes its silver blue over and into everything and this paper drinks its reflection- accepts the ink as a token, a tattoo from this star pushing wills forward with the day. Again, magic. Magic, again. They used to call me drugs. Hum.

Bettina jellyfished, “it is INTENSE being embodied.”

An anarchist book fair was being held nearby the observatoire. I instigated a discussion about it, with lovely fern bettina all caramel gloom. I proposed the word ANARCHIST was being adapted and perverted to assist some sort of people who had no idea of the meaning of the word, catfish. It is my contention that these “anarchists” operate within the confines of the government, and so are not true anarchists at all. Aint they using money the government prints? Dun they live in a city the government recognizes as one of its own? Yes, and how can you reconcile that with anarchy, catfish? Two words that help define what anarchy is are lawlessness and disorder.

Says to me, catfish, if you want to put yourself into the state of anarchy, into GENUINE lawlessness and disorder, you wudnt even be able to hold it together long enough to state that you IS an anarchist, get me, but that you would set about destroying anything with order pretty quick, and to be done in the intention of it all, that is, living the frenzy of a truly anarchic state, tearing your life apart first and foremost as an embodiment of the chaos you wish upon all, before setting into someone elses, no matter how hard-pressed you were by them or their ideas.

So, it seems to me that people have taken and perverted a word for their own use, as a totem, even softening the impact of the meaning so that they can feel safe as a drape or as a picture representing an action they would truly love to see come about. There is an “anarchist” movement all set within the confines of the government the anarchists supposedly would love to do away with. Too shitty to back, really, huh.

I may 21st now and i restarted trying to talk freddy begin with this is how i come. Okay he said ---the lordly right of bestowing names is such that one would almost be justified in seeing the origin of language itself as an expression of the rulers power. They seal off thing and action with a sound thereby take symbolic possession of it---*i am a name-giver* come back to that last phrase later*

the power of oblivion=plastic curative power. In that, you negate some thing with a word or phrase chanted, hard symbolic, make it solid to your psyche, fold that into you and it soothes you to name that something a nothing. now that are to be some proofs.

A bluestocking used to be a name some men somewhere would call a woman with intellectual or literary interests. We throw in with bluestockings wherever we find them, ok catfish? me magic with the recognition of that talent of name giving I got to give ya catfish, and you know I find that name giving dun have to be the end of that particular talent, but the beginning of a spell, with namegiving the egg and seed of it. Think onnit, catfish yer so named for you and me is all bottomfeeders here, and aggressively so.

Anyways, the thought that freddy gave that name calling deal warnt much, but out of all his shit spewing, this resonates with me durable, later gonna tell ya more about it, catfish. Right NOW it is may 24006 and the government money I am sposta be getting has stopped its flow- all of a sudden- TODAY, in fact, even tho i been bein schooled for the past two weeks- I hant received the monies for it. This could be due to any number of things and these DO consternate me- but I am MORE concerned with getting that money to its owner, ME. I am going to walk and check to see if it is there. This look like I will. This looks like I will have to make it up as I go along.

Today it seems that I will witness the power of words the yes word and the no word, and somehow I think I will have to be beguiling and somehow bold and sympathetic. I do not know the situation of the money, I do not know exactly what is going on with it, nor do I know why the money is actually “happening”. I am going to see my agent and also I am going to talk to the schools-SOMETHING. I dun even know. I cut myself off from any communication from the govt except for the anonymous checks, so I hant a clue as to why the money has stopped- perhaps there is a clause which states I must be moving forward in my studies with level 5 instead of resting at level 4 but that seems unlikely,- it COULD be tho. Speculation. Always lots of rules around that money way. I do know its hard to get money, especially from these people, ugh. The time is comin pretty soon, it must be close to 10 o clock now. I am prepared for a long day. No food but spirit.

ARROW. This last, no food but spirit, is a good arrowing phrase. Catfish these arrows will be found thru-out you, and are good true straight maxims to consider with weight and invention, the better to let them fly, later, with skill and ease, at your leisure. i do not remember writing that phrase catfish, you write yourself.

May25 Anyways it turns out I got the money. They held it back a day cuzza mondays holiday. I curled my hair into horns, I gotta email from my folks. Dunno how to reply to that, for talking to the people who raised me feels akin to a prisoner writing letters to his guards after he has escaped. Shall I thank them for molding me some sociopathic tendencies? Beats me, and beats me.

**** I am a namegiver, its a strength I CANnonball make glom and stick- I give names out and, to me, the subject of my name calling BECOMES the name I give it, sometimes forever, and sometimes to the chagrin of those on whom the names are bestowed, but you know this catfish, I have always named things and people for to own ways- I name them cuz that is what they envelop, they ARE what I name them and they do remain as such, especially if they are namegivers themselves. Such is the changeling, proper.

In this way I am a ruler. I rule a part of a sound, by stating names, out loud, even giving names to others words, distorting them and pulverizing their worth with a paradox and MAKING IT SO- inside my imagination- with the words. I have the power of stamping names, and I use it, but this power dub stop whicker there with being able to rattle off a name, thars gotta be more to it, cuz aint that the way? Almost all the time, catfish.

Catfish, work with the weapons at hand, and we aint got much. We have to be able to identify the names people give ideas quickly, laser, and clarify them to our benefit. in this way we can view any ones intentions, situations, motives, and ideas, cuz you know how gullible we is.

Possibilities have no limits and in trying to exhaust the limits of the possible you may go anywhere and do most anything. This is pure science, catfish, and magic. I am sure am motherfuckin happy I got money. Oh its like a goddam vitamin shot, cash, it injects such life! Thass another thing catfish, change my standard of living, and climb the edges of it, scrabbling fire salamanders.

AlSo, you are a new tool my body and brain this time is getting used to, and ya feels a bit unwieldy at first. Its true, say yous like a sword, but a newer, better one that i can swing around, and fire off, if need be, too. The pen limbers up the muscles needed to keep it correct.

I am going to carry you forward and put a bigger weight behind ya push you really well for I know so and say it, that the word magic and the word imaginations are interchangeable whereas one is easily the synonym of the other. you can take this literal right down to the bone, its the exact step necessary for you to be able to fire off all kind of spells fleshing out the images of it right there where you are. As bettina rooted, “by holding an image in mind, in THE mind, knowledge far beyond what can be communicated orally or in writing could be obtained and absorbed.”. Oh, you know it.

You are the culmination and continuation of a river of blood passed down from beyond recorded history and your blood has a story and a thing to tell you, primordial and insistent it sings over and again of things witch were known and now are not, but these things can be relearned or figured out if you listen to the blood directly, catfish.

Bettina talks to me of “trusting” things, the powerful little gryphoness can extend that trust more, having that tree of knowledge at her back, black cloud, whar she can just reach up and pluck subjects and fields off it when she wants or needs. Trust is a powerful word. I will ruminate on it, define myself with it, and then reflect them back towards bettina, the results. this is how to do it RIGHT NOW. Later, perhaps w/ my emerging laser like vision I will be able to apply definitions where I will, using someone elses vision. I have morning coffee breath hardcore.

WHAT BELIEFS AM I WILLING TO GIVE UP MY MORTALITY FOR? As to guiding a direction to my own personal magical act of war, its a safe bet to practice with you tous les jours. For instance- today I hant missed the wastebasket. each thing I throw is already in it and I only made the little thump to show for it, its been 5 or 6 days really... its easy to show how you can get into a streak of something by the mere association of events that have happened, or you may have imagined to have happened, to you, in your past. Its akin to a furrow and a comfortable one when you can get in it, and you wont let anything get past you, for you will catch it, and your aim in throwing is never wavered but THERE BEFORE IT WAS. How about dedication? Discipline.

How is that for magic catfish? Applying intention, singular. Tomorrow I will write down certain addresses, I will write to stella, and I will soon get heavy, so do not doze, catfish, and eat heavy, too, feel a weighty sort of magic, enough to have you travel to where you can watch yourself dance up in front of the class. It is a call you can hear above the crowd noise. Catfish, whatever, it is an other sense and feels righteous, wakes you up til you look across the waving heat of the day and humpstart to motion to get you off the landscape, refreshed and back to class to step it up a notch.

June101112 its been awhile since we been together, and its been awhile since I seen bettina, but since I written that last missive, i stepped it up a notch with me writing songs and performing an open mic audience the songs i written for instruction and resurrectionals And merles gitar band. Its so easy, fun and powerful.

I was talking to some girl who had been in the audience and was looking at me with a “wow”. I started BRAGGING about my show, this happened at an open mike at the cock and bull, and the girls interest flagged, and she became disinterested, ha was fun to watch a deflation. Dun care about that, for she remembered my name, gooseball brown. Made sure they will remember me. Along all other lines I been slacking off, tho.

I spent too much money in the last 5 days and I will see what will happen with that. I could have saved all that money I spent, but I did not. Somehow the money says this is wrong, and tries to cast a guilty feeling on me I aint forever, kinda tickles, so that I have to explain to my self a bit, try to become a bit better money handler, tho its a difficult thing to do when all it is is paper with numbers on it and all it really wants to do is to kill the worth of me. Seems the best idea is to get rid of it quick.

Aint never seen 1000 dollars all together in the same place my whole damn life. It dun mean nothing to me, tho its best when I am comfortable, and I should provide for my future comfort and pleasure, for I love me some of that. But it seems like I spent that money in a haze. I was AWARE of it, but I did it anyway, for I was lonely and feeling fun, even knowing that it may cost me later on. I am not incapable of looking forward and this time it warnt BAD but it really has been better, perhaps is best to let it slide, or if I cant, then I will have to deal.

i been kinda in an observatoire limbo, also bettinas gone off, still I feel content and lazy with ease. Looking forward to sleep where I had a dream, all so eerily calm, we all were on a very abstract/geometric plain, and there were 2 pastel tornadoes dancing, they were powerful and also very abstract, tracking, very quick when they wanted to be and also very serene at times. They were quiet, or my dream was, and they were moving everywhere without any regard. I stood there absorbing it all- everything was a solid block of color wherever it was and the tornadoes did not tear anything apart. They were tall and thin, conical, and moving as tho they did move unchained. I feel better. Spoken to the wind I am bringing.

June1406that dream was magic to me. Tho I only remember it as fleeting it was a pretty solid piece of it, bouncing like a rock off and away. I FELT it and can recollect it, beyond that, I hant any idea. It seems I can identify the magic at times but I aint got a HANDLE on it. I cannot grasp and wield it as effectively as I would like to. Even when I am playing the music in front of people, being powerful in rhythms and vibrations and sounding magic, I want to be preternatural- I can never be that, but I can SYMBOLIZE it. If I can SYMBOLIZE grasping that magic and controlling it, then aint it actually done? actually but magically. It is a circular motion, aint it, catfish?

All I am going to do is identify that vibration that seems attuned to me, apprehend that current that seems to favor me and go for the short, fast rides that have the most gain- looking for that power switch that will put me even more beyond those masses of people that make and break civilized money. make it so that I can dance among them and then past them- making my own way with the magic only i identified and placed belonging solely to myself. That, the possession of magic, may not be possible or even desirable in the long run, but just the KNOWLEDGE that a current is speaking into and thru me IS.

Look at how selfish I am. I am stating it tho, for my self is MY self, ultimately, and I mean ultimately in the sense of only how long this body lasts on this planet, how long I can keep the body out of the possession of others. Ha, ultimate. I want the glamour of it. I am gonna have it. Tonight I was reading---the prospect of the sea--- and I was reading it out loud to bettina- a force knocked over the black bag by reading a story out loud, or she did- anyway, we did- If stories are incantations to unlock other worlds- that was it- scarecrow- and twas a nice signal too, all around, except- what now? What and how much should I read into a randomness such as words carrying that weight?

F.1? F.U.

How we say aint how I say it, say it, hey, say it. Last night I was explaining to bettina how I have these permanent trails I see cuzza all the acid i taken, following everything that I see- the blurred after-image of whatever was going past my eyesight. I told her that if I could reverse the process of seeing what comes after, praps I could foresee the blurry fleeting future. Reversing the AFTER to see what happens after- spossible, since its been conceived. OH MY, PETROLEUM EYES.

when I can take shots for something, I am better prepared to take shots for nothing. Sat. before st. johns. 2 nights ago I provoked it and suddenly there I was- allowing a large street living woman to pummel me on st.catherines in front of her kin. She socked me on the side of the head and rocked me twice straight on, then she grabbed my head and brought it up to her knee, I was shouting encouragement and laughing as she grabbed my head between her big, meaty hands and pulled it forward, slamming her knee into my face. She got me in a headlock and was yelling to a boy friend, who was watching this all smiles with his buddies, to help her, screaming at me to leave. I got out of the headlock and she spun around and attacked my head again. I managed to struggle free, and at this point I am leaving okay- and she jolted me again straight on my face. I dint see her fist cept as a giant flash of static burst. I backed off when I saw her boyfriend pick up a metal construction street sign and threaten me with it. Well, I said, “dun throw THAT, yerll KILL me,” he kind of half-heartedly tossed it and he ran after his crew who had cornered my companion. The recollections and how i written about this incident is kind of mixed up. Thass reflective of how it went down from my perspective. As the one who was beaten the P.O.V. Will be a little misplaced.

This warnt a premeditated provocation and attack. Once it began tho, I was a deliberate provocation receiving attack. I helped escalate her fury with taunts ( now in the sky the clouds have formed a leaping terrier that twisted in the wind to become a wispy sort of skeleton goat that then faded into more shapelessness) and she obliged me with a battering. I wanted her to hit me, and she did. I wanted to receive that punishment from her. Her family and she had called me fag. sure, I am a fag, so beat me, whatever.

I was allowing myself to become a target for her bigotry and territory- for the right of occupying a sidewalk really, just to FEEL it. I was feeling good with beer, as well, and rowdy, and ready. And so she-human came on, believing herself justified in hitting my me and so, me egging her on, giving her every reason in the world to batter me about the head. I have at least 10 or 11 scores on my face from that night. Bettina was inspecting me. That girl dint go for my body. She obviously dint like my face. That was how it was supposed to be, she had come from winnipeg, a bored girl from winnipeg, as bettina shaded it. She had come from that, coming thru montreal, stopping here long enough to take on the responsibility of correcting me to her brethrens order. It was a beating OF me, but more of a beating OUT for them. Jammed as she had been living, outside, hardcore and streetwise, prolly pushed from her rightful dwelling by a mans dick-ball force, she administered her beating with the full intention of driving me OUT of her temporary territory, her familys sidewalk street squat, and OUT of her sensibility.

I dunno what she felt about it but the story she now tells and what the spectators saw must have been incredible. A big woman beating a laughing jeering man. What to make of it. There were spectators- her family and about 6 security guards among others I suppose. Alastair saw a lot before he screamed RUN! And took off. I dint wanna run, so, there I was being broken out. Amid the first flurry of jolting shocks she delivered, I remember thinking, “GOOD, thass GOOD!” and feeling it, ABSORBING what she was giving out. And I delighted in it, I was feeling good about it, and I am happy twarnt a guy. Since the girl was beating what she thought was a “fag”, since I provoked it, it warnt PERSONAL, not to me. I feel that in taking on this beating- this full-on furious attack that this girl was throwing at me with her wide pierced face and her hammy fists- I feel that in some way i appeased ( at least for the time being) some other sort of RANDOM violence or action I wudntve been able to DIRECT. I feel that i DISPERSED upon my body something unpleasant- RELEASED a malevolent energy from feeling obligated in downing me. I felt cleaned, rinsed, its as if dint need to answer to anyone, anymore. Though I have this feeling normally in spades, it was heightened and cut even CLEARER from that. for now. The week before this happened, I was hit by a car while riding my bike. My bike went off clattering but I was left standing in front of the car. Standing, popped his hood with my fist and walked off. I got the same feeling then,- some sort of, “yes, throw it at me- it will not STICK.” to the 10th power.

I bet the girl felt good about it. I sure did, I was laughing all the way thru it, I saw her friends smiling and laughing too- thru the haze that came with her battering fists. It warnt such a noble or brilliant thing, but it COUNTS, dun it, somehow. I wonder if she felt as good as I did about the beating? I hope so, I hope she feels justified and vindicated. I played a role to receive a beating from her and she did a bang up job. My eye was black, my EAR was black, this is a week after and I still feel some sort of injury behind my nose right above my teeth, set way back in. that mustve been her knee slamming into my faceplate. I am so flexible. Hope its hard to break on me.

What kind of magic was that, then? conjure a fire that was directed at me. I took it and walked away from it. I felt delirious and I dint fall down. I laughed all the way thru it. to me, thru another, the vessel who beat my body. That is a magic- springing what was below the surface, bringing it frothy and raging straight out in the street. I brought out a sore spot, I exorcised some of it, leeched away a bit of anger that landed on my face. So that anger was there, and dormant and I pulled it from her-by becoming the target she wanted to hit. Absorbing that blunt anger full force was another kind of magic- something is built into me to accept such things- I want to turn this to my advantage, knowing what kind of extremity I am capable of sustaining and what kind of energy I can pull from people. This is a magic wielded- being a target- one that can sustain damage and laugh about it. Part of my magics getting ROCKED and even CALLING for it. - “come, take it out on me.”- now, I need to figger out how to use this to my advantage- if I ever can. Maybe, some sorts of magic are easily expended and never come forward again. But I dun believe that TOO much, cuz nothing can be LOST here, in this reality. Everything exists and cannot leave, so that this magic may come again. Another dimension, (thass how we call it) who gives us that, may give it again and again, or we can take from it as much as we can. What is the price? This time physically, but twas jest bumps and blood, but inside me I feel so much more- and very powerful, and all of this sticks to me. LEARN TO USE THAT INFLUENCE, catfish. I begun to, with the beating. THAT was over the top, completely one way head on basharoo intent. It took me somewhere else, certainly, even for a coupla days. Just playing advocate, for the hell of it.

Whew i just gorged myself after a bout of lovemaking with lovely bettina hammerhead. I am buzzin along and high. I am reflective. Tonight ima gonna stand in the rain, tharsa storm a coming this is.

near the end of june06. I stole cookies from an institution today and bettina called me a sex pig. We laughed, there is to be a separation soon, a rift, a kind of stretch between bettina and I. She is moving to toronto to follow her perfect garden greenhouse dream. And here we go, ima miss all that.

Gonna try for the observatoire house, its a pretty good view from here. I want this house we both are living in right now and I am gonna get it. July06 magic is coming from everywhere- there is a thin young black one-eyed cat flailing around in and about the house right now. Bettina dasnt like it- raven the giant black bear housecat dun seem to be too concerned about it, EXCEPT when his food goes missing. Bettina says the spirits brought that kitty in, yeah prolly, and his abcessed one eye aint doin him much good eating thru to the brain, tho. bettina and I are running along and I am happy. She has her work cut out from her- I spose I do too. She is a different creature, one I want to be able to hold with- but it aint to be that way, not yet. I dunno if she would be able to stand me, she has a lot of LITTLE hangups about my behaviour, like the things I say, and how I conduct myself. a lovely bull-gryphon bettina, I love everything she does, regardless of what shes aiming at, cuz she takes it on, she takes the me on so strong and ivy. The things she says about me, TO me, make me laugh a LOT- so true and so focused, they aint exaggerated and they hit the mark. THAT is extraordinary, even tho the umbrage she takes at whatever it is that she finds offensive, whatever these things are that she takes issues with, well, thass ordinary and I wonder if it will change. Prolly not, and I lover love her for that, as well. And I get the magic of self-deprecation, thru bettinas eye. So, catfish, this is the class, a panoramic view of all this building near downtown, which jut out over the trees that stand in state betwixt here and there. The wind is moving the leaves, turning them so that the tree shimmers in shades of green. The sun brings them to yer eye, individually massed.

Last night saw luz at les trois minots. We painted and talked a lot. I drank a pitcher of beer. There was a vernissage too. Free sweet shots and some food, witch I ate as much as I could. Thass the way, they were puttin round little tiny bite size things, so I ate them up like they was krill, expect.

We walked the crowds after, arm in arm, and she wanted me to say we would know each other for a long time and I said that to her, cuz shes a sister. What a great creative night. I am sposta exhibit paintings with luz and a man named romeo and I dunno who else, all inside some bar exhibiting for 2 months.

luz says, you should paint more, pato, romeo and luz both says to me. You have to be very careful in this class, catfish and pay attention, for I am attuned to you. I start and you will provide me with full attention. You dun come to class and I will move your vacant spot away to where you wont like it too much, and will be confused. People love to do that, move other people out when they aint there, and also bigtime when they are present. I am beginning to be able to bear this attitude, can even enjoy how I react inasmuch as it makes me furious that they would even attempt such a thing. Lots of people been moved this way, there mustve been a reason and I think the ones who wanted it to be this way are aksin for somethin, catfish.

Now I can see the city, and there are rows of lights in it, and people cluttering up my vision of the streets, hustling together they are for its chilly from summer right now. The clouds are covering the sun in fits. I do want to paint again- bettinas garden is perfect for this, for sitting and contemplating. Painting, I will do that. Also, pato, you got to start saving money- cuz yer gonna need it soon.

July something friday7 and here we go in the last phase of this introduction to yer school, catfish. You are able to converse in ancient languages by translating thru your blood. These last few lessons will be a playground for me, as always, but better- no pressure.- I feel real free. The infected-one-eye cat, after bettina leaves, I will befriend if it aint dead by then, its a staggery quick little thang. I recognize him, admire his balls, but right now we are chasing him away.

I am learning to control the chaotic magic that I carry as a cloak. I remain aloof and regal, people come to me for things, people challenge me. However, I am ready for all of that. People want me to answer theys way personal questions, like ‘whar you from?’ the way they EXPECT. I say I am from the mountains, preferring geographical identification over imaginary boundary line names. I cast aside their expectations in favor of my truth. its so simple, been doing that with my life, but not exactly with the same intent. The gatekeeper to this chaos knows my name- he watches me, knows I am here stealing cookies. That is kickass. Tonight, turi de moth, elusive recluse brother man dusting over to this haunt, we making merles gitar band music hocus opus focus focus- expanding our mudland sacrecrow music together, bang bang.

Bettina hammerhead farseer and turi de moth- these are two lovers of mine. Different loves but netted tightly. Bettina keeps saying that she wudnt marry me ha! I love that. i dint aks She affirmed that I am pretty fucking cagey. Its good to hear from one who loves you- that they see what you figured out.

All of this is another magic- the passive passionate everyday magic that keeps everything in a reality. The perceived focus of me and my friends. Is that magic too subtle to manipulate? There are strengths of magic, you must alter your grip accordingly. If your grip is stronger than the magic, the force you bring will dispel it elsewhere other than your intended target- maybe- if your grip is too light, the magic will slip- sleep is what my head wanted to write. I dunno which verb is correct or both or neither. I keep telling you catfish, this is the INTRODUCTION to the magical process and the answers to money-world- that it will all be shown. I am thinking we made progress already- tho it is difficult to categorize my failures and my successes- or if either is possible. Hard to do without any definite planned route. As long as we move, catfish.