Finding Myself

“I can’t wait to finish college. Where are we going first?” Becca asks me, pulling me from my thoughts.

“Sorry, Bec. What did you say?” I ask her, realising I haven’t been paying attention to her. Becca rolls her big blue eyes at me, but I know she’s not mad. She’s been my best friend for years and has always been there for me when I needed her most.

Unlike me, Becca has light brown hair that is always perfectly styled. She could easily be one of those popular girls you see in movies, with boys falling at her feet. But she’s not like that at all. She’s down to earth, hates all the drama girls create, and is always there for her friends. She doesn’t want to be some guy’s trophy that he can show off without really giving a crap about her and who she is; she wants more than that; she knows her worth.

On the other hand, I have coppery ginger hair, green eyes, and a few freckles scattered across my pale skin. I’ve been bullied for my hair colour in the past, but I try not to let it bother me. It’s a hair colour for crying out loud. If people think my hair colour is such a problem for them, they are the ones with the problem, not me. I’m just happy to have a friend like Becca who accepts me for who I am. She doesn’t expect me to be anyone but me.

“Leila, you were in a world of your own again. Is everything okay?” Becca asks me, noticing my distant and lost expression. It’s one of the great things about having her as my best friend, she knows me too well. She can tell when something’s wrong, and I can’t lie to her.

I sigh and look away, feeling the weight of my thoughts and emotions. “Yeah, everything’s okay. Just the usual, you know,” I reply, trying to sound calm and collected.

Becca gives me a sympathetic look and pulls me into a tight hug. “Leila, it’s okay to miss them, but you can’t always let it ruin things for you. They wouldn’t want that,” she says softly, trying to comfort me.

I nod, feeling tears prickling at the corners of my eyes. She’s right. I know she’s right. My parents have been gone for four years now, but it feels like yesterday. They were killed by a drunk driver, and my life has never been the same since. It’s like I’m stuck in a time warp, unable to move forward but unable to go back to when they were still alive. I miss them every day. My mum was my best friend and confidante, and every memory I have of her is special. She was never boring, always full of life and laughter. My dad was my protector and hero. He always made me feel safe and loved. If anyone ever bullied me when I was younger, he would make me feel better and give their parents hell. I’m 19 now, but I lost them when I was just 15. We never had enough time together. That’s what hurts the most.

“I know you’re right, Becca. It’s just hard,” I reply, my voice shaking with emotion.

She pulls away and gives me a gentle smile. “It’s never going to be easy, Leila. No one expects you to be fine. But you can’t let it hold you back either. Your parents wouldn’t have wanted that,” she says, her eyes filled with understanding.

I take a deep breath and nod, trying to compose myself. Becca is right, as always. I need to find a way to live without them physically here. It won’t be easy, but I owe it to them and myself to try.

“So, are you excited to finish college and travel around the world with me?” Becca asks, changing the subject to something more positive.

I smile, feeling a glimmer of excitement. “How can I say no to that? We’ve done three years in college, and I can’t wait to move on from there. And travelling is going to be amazing. Just imagine all the things we’re going to see! We could go see the Eiffel Tower, the Colosseum in Rome, or the catacombs,” I reply, feeling my spirits lift.

I’ve never travelled since my parents’ death. Thankfully, Becca and her mum took me in when they died. Becca’s mum was best friends with mine, so it made sense. I never wanted to live with any of my other family members. It felt like they were offering out of respect, not because they wanted me there. We live in Cornwall, England - a beautiful place with long stretches of pristine golden beaches and clear seas. I may be biased, but I think it’s the most beautiful place in England. But it’s time to spread my wings, there’s a whole world out there waiting for me, and I can’t wait to explore it with Becca by my side.

“I love you, Leila, but let’s not forget about all the eye candy we’re going to meet and admire, and no more British sleaze bags,” jokes Becca, playfully fanning herself as she imagines all the men we'll see.

I laugh, feeling a sense of relief I haven’t felt in a while. Maybe things will be okay after all.

“Not all British men are sleaze bags, Bec. It’s just the ones who hover around you,” I tell her, raising an eyebrow as she huffs. “Besides, I’m not interested. They either want to humiliate or sleep with me and then toss me aside like garbage. I’m done with that.”

“Leila, not everyone will treat you as badly as Blake or Mikey did,” Becca says sympathetically. I can tell she always feels for me when those two are mentioned. Blake and Mikey are my ex-boyfriends. Blake cheated on me and made sure everyone in college knew it. He would tell people I wasn’t good enough in bed, that I was ugly, damaged goods because of my parents and the list goes on. Mikey, on the other hand, took me out on dates. Things were going well until we had sex, and then he told me he finally got what he wanted and never wanted to see me again.

“Yeah, I know they won’t because I won’t ever give anyone a chance to do that to me again. I won’t be the butt of the joke for any more men,” I tell her and head over to my suitcase to pull out my new outfit to show Becca.

“At least try to be open-minded. You never know. You might meet the man of your dreams,” Becca almost pleads, and I roll my eyes.

“Fine, if Prince Charming shows up, or better yet, if Flynn Rider comes to life from the Rapunzel movie, maybe I’ll give him a chance. Until then, what do you think of my new outfit?” I ask, holding it upagainst me to model it for her.

“I love it. You look like fire, babe,” Becca beams at me before her face gets serious. “Are you sure you want to spend this much of your compensation travelling the world with me? You won’t even let me pay for anything.”

That’s what she’s worried about. She’s constantly badgering me to let her pay something toward our extended trip, but I keep telling her to buy me a drink or two. I would never ask her to pay for anything. Her and her mom have done more than enough for me. Without them, I would be living with someone in my family who sees me as nothing more than an unfortunate burden. I’ve never felt like that while staying here.

“Yes, I’m sure. It’s not that much anyway, and I still have plenty left. When we get back from our trip, we’re going house hunting,” I tell her with a smile. We’ve talked about it a few times. It will be nice to have our own place, at least while we’re still young.

We spend the rest of the night looking for somewhere to stay in Paris and booking last-minute flights. We only have one more day of exams tomorrow, and then we’re finished.

The Next Day

We pull into the college car park and see Blake and the little tramp he is screwing. He’s such an asshole.

“Leila, haven’t you jumped off a cliff yet to join your precious parents?” Blake jeers, standing in the car park with his friends, who join in with the taunts, laughing loudly and cruelly like hyenas. The other students in the car park look on in disgust at his vile and hurtful words. Not many like Blake all that much lately. But there’s no surprise there. He’s a cockroach that deserves to be squished.

The atmosphere in the car park grows tense as Becca screams at him whilst storming her way over to confront him. “Blake, you’ll be rotting in hell quicker than you think. You’ve become a walking STD since you broke up with Leila,” she yelled, causing heads to turn and students to stop in their tracks.

“Bec, come on. How long are you going to be friends with this loser?” Blake responds with a smirk, mocking me to my best friend. He has some nerve.

Usually, I would have intervened and dragged Becca away to avoid further confrontation. But today is different. It’s my last day in this hellhole. The thought of leaving behind the people in this college and the dreadful memories that linger here fills me with joy. I thought college would be different. I thought I would have amazing experiences, creating memories and friendships that last a lifetime. Unfortunately, I was wrong. College has been the opposite of my expectations.

I take in the scene before me, all the pain and hurt that has led me to this moment. I have no more fucks to give, and Blake is going to learn to stop messing with me. I charge over to him and slap him as hard as I can. My hand feels like it’s on fire. I hit him that hard. He looks at me in complete shock, with a perfectly illuminated red handprint getting brighter by the second on the side of his face.

“Fuck you, Blake, I’m fed up with all your bullshit. You make fun of me day after day. Are your sluts not satisfying you? Is that why you feel the impulse to keep being a dick to me? What’s wrong, Blakey? You miss me? Is this your pathetic attempt to stay in my life? After everything that’s happened, Blake, you need to grow the fuck up,” I tell him with a mix of anger and disappointment. He used to be such a kind and caring guy till he joined his new group of friends. Now I don’t even recognise the asshole standing in front of me.

“You bitch! How dare you fucking hit me!” He roars, his neck and forehead veins bulging with fury. It’s a rather amusing sight. I’d have retaliated sooner if I had known it would feel this great.

Becca swings her leg and kicks him full force between his legs. I burst out laughing, as well as every other student in the car park. Blake collapses in a heap on the floor, cradling his ‘maggot-sized goods’ and trying to hold back the tears filling his eyes.

“I’ve done you both a favour there,” Becca says to Blake and his slut of the week. ”Hopefully, that’s damaged him enough to prevent him from impregnating you. The last thing we need is another version of either of you two idiots running around."

Everyone in the car park is now laughing at Blake and his newest bedpost notch. I don’t feel even an ounce of pity for him. He deserves every bit of humiliation that comes his way.

Leaving the commotion behind us, Becca drags me into the college. We laugh hysterically at what just happened until we see our class tutor looking at us with his arms crossed. I’m surprised when he relaxes and winks at us.

“Good on you girls, he’s been asking for that for quite some time now,” Mr Hall says quietly, trying to keep it private with so many students around.

“Thanks, Mr. Hall. We’re going to miss you,” I tell him. He’s not long turned 60, and he’s always been like a cool grandpa instead of a teacher.

“Same to you. You’ve both been a pleasure to teach. Now hurry to your final exam. You only have five minutes. Good luck!” Mr Hall says, then turns and heads down the hall, warning students that the final exam is soon.

We run to the hall to sit our exams with a few minutes to spare.

One Hour Later

Excitement and anticipation fill the air as we celebrate our latest achievement. “We did it! Now for our around-the-world adventure. I can’t wait to go travelling together,” Becca exclaims, her eyes sparkling with joy. She keeps asking if I’ll let her pay at least for herself despite me constantly telling her that I don't expect her to pay for anything. I'd have been lost without her it's the least I can do.

I roll my eyes at her persistence and pull her along, leaving college behind us. We arrive at Becca’s house to find her mom, Andrea, waiting for us with a bottle of champagne and three glasses. “Congratulations, girls. Did anything interesting happen today?” Andrea asks, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Caught off guard, I respond hesitantly, “Uhhhhh.... no?” Andrea looks at me with a knowing smile. "Come on, Leila, I know what happened with Blake. He told his mom, and she told me. He’s such a crybaby going to his mom because his ex finally stood up for herself," she says proudly, ruffling my hair affectionately as though I’m still a child. “She wanted me, and I quote, ’to put you both in your place for assaulting her boy′ I just laughed and told her that her boy is a whore and hung up."

"I love you, Andrea. You’re the best. I can’t thank you enough for taking me in and caring for me all these years. Oh, that reminds me. I have something for you," I tell her excitedly, then run to my room to grab her gift.

I run back down, carrying the envelope as fast as I can. My god, I’m so unfit. The stairs have literally taken my breath away. I’m not overweight, I just hate exercise. I can think of so many things I'd rather do than get sweaty in front of loads of men who think they are gods given gifts working out in front of mirrors admiring themselves. I’ve got curves in all the right places with an hourglass figure, but I don’t show it off. I don’t want to be looked at for my body. I would rather people want to know me for what’s on the inside. Becca and Andrea pull me from my thoughts with their laughter at how out of breath I am just from going up and down the stairs. There’s never a dull moment with us.

“Here, this is for you. It’s to say thank you," I tell her, handing her the card containing her gift.

I watch as Andrea opens it with Becca peeking over her shoulder. When Andrea sees what’s inside, she starts to cry.

Andrea looks at her gift with a sombre expression. I can see the sadness in her eyes as she looks up at me. It’s the same look I often have. “Leila, I’m sorry, but I can’t accept this.”

"I want you to know that I am grateful for all you have done for me. After my parents passed away, you were the one who stepped up to take care of me, and I appreciate that more than words can say. I know that you were close to my mother, and her loss was just as devastating for you as it was for me. You’ve been my rock throughout this, and I couldn’t have gotten through it without either of you. You never had to offer me a home or a new family, but you did without hesitation. While this money can never replace her, I hope it can make life a little easier for you the way you have made mine easier," I tell her. Every word comes from the heart. However, the last bit was something that the solicitors kept repeating to me when they told me I should seek compensation for the loss of my parents.

"Leila, you are a remarkable young woman, and your parents would be incredibly proud of you. But ten thousand pounds is too much," Andrea tells me with a tremble in her voice. Her hands are shaking as she struggles to keep her emotions in check. Her eyes glisten with unshed tears, revealing how deep the wound runs from our loss.

“No, Andrea. If anything, it’s not enough. Please take it," I say, holding the object in my hand. Andrea hesitates for a moment before grabbing me in a tight embrace, one that only mothers can give. It’s a hug that envelopes you and makes you feel like you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. It’s a hug that tells you how deeply you are loved.

“Becca, there’s one for you too in your room, and before you start, I convinced your mum to accept it, and I can damn well convince you," I say with a smile, pointing towards the door. Becca grins and runs off to her room, and I can’t help but feel a sense of warmth in my chest. Moments like these make me grateful for the people in my life.

“Now, how about we enjoy that champagne," I tell them both, and we all clink our glasses together and enjoy many glasses of champagne.

Me and Becca stop drinking when we start to feel tipsy since we have a plane to catch tomorrow.

"Becca, I need to go say bye to Mum and Dad," I tell her. She nods before linking her arm with mine, and we head out the door.

We walk together silently towards the cemetery. As we get closer to my parents’ final resting place, my mood becomes more sombre. The grass beneath our feet is damp with evening dew as it often is at this time of year, and the smell of wildflowers that grow in the cemetery fills the air. With every step, the same thoughts haunt me - why did it have to be my parents? Why couldn’t the drunk driver have been the one who died? Why did I survive when I was in the car? Why didn’t I die?

I want them back.

I want my mum and dad.

The only thing I want is the only thing I can never have.

As we approach my parent’s headstone, I feel a sense of dread and sadness wash over me. I take a deep breath and stop in front of the grave marker. The name of my parents is etched in stone, and it feels like a punch to the gut. I sink to my knees, my heart heavy with sorrow.

Tears stream down my face, and I sob uncontrollably. The weight of their absence feels unbearable. I wish they were here to see me finish college and start a new chapter of my life. My mind is filled with all the moments they have missed and all the moments they will never experience.

I cry for the emptiness in my heart, for the loneliness that comes with the loss of my parents. I cry for the memories that will never be, for the conversations that will never happen. All I can do is let my tears flow and hope that somehow, somewhere, they know how much I miss them.