Different

He hit me right between the eyes

love, at first sight, I couldn’t disguise

extraordinary reaction

instant attraction

I’ll follow the prompting of my heart

he may be the one from which I don’t part

“Oh he’s beautiful!”

I had exclaimed as I gazed adoringly at the brother of my sister’s friend and at thirteen experienced my first taste of those most human of hungers, that of need, lust, longing and desire. I gawked at my friend’s sister’s boyfriend adoringly. I could not stand her, how the hell did she get him? She’s two years older than him for a start, he’s fourteen. What does she think she is a milf or a cougar or something, state of her.

Adele's staring at me quizzically a smirk on her face.

“Oh no not you as well, I have to put up with her constantly mooning over that yoke and now you’ve only gone and joined his fan club.”

What’s she talking about, can’t she see what we see, he’s absolute perfection. Eyes deeper and bluer than the ocean, blond curls, our babies will be gorrgggeeeous. I look over at them holding hands, gazing, giggling and I’m consumed with the most heart-wrenching, all consuming feeling of jealousy. The only color you could paint me right now is green, snarling, biting, snotty, vomit-inducing green.

I decide right then that I am going to get him, he’s going to be mine, I’m much more suited to him. Agnes is too cold a creature for this Adonis, he needs passion and drama to match his movie-star looks.

Its a few days later and I’m in my new spot across from Oliver and Agnes making sure nothing untoward can happen, nothing that he should be doing with me, that is. There's things he could be doing with me that I would have no problem with.

I kiss him a thousand times with my eyes

hoping that one day his lips will reply

“Well, Natalie we going out or wha?” I look at Adele as if she’s ten heads what could she possibly offer to tear me away from drowning in envy and unrequited love and staring at this Adonis, the recipient of my adulation.

"If I had a choice it would be or wha, but I suppose we better since that’s why I came over, by the way what is stuck-to-Agnes-face like superglue’s name?”

“Oh, Ollie, Oliver something like that begins with O anyways, I don’t care, I’m sick of the sight of him.”

She’s defo got some visual issue I never knew about how could you be sick of the sight of Oliver, I by the way will never call him Ollie sounds like a cute labrador, but he can call me whatever he likes I’ll pant after him like a cute labrador, he can call me Natalie the panting labrador if he wishes. I'll lick him all over any day of the week all he'd have to do is whistle. I digress back to Adele and going out.

If you were a book

I’d read you again and again

no one else could have a look

to kill I’d have a yen

Were out playing curbs with Joey and Paul, well physically I am but mentally I’m conjuring all sorts of plans to get closer to Oliver. I see Joey nudging Paul and Adele and miming signals and sneakily pointing at me.

“Oh, Natalie don't mind her, she’s lovesick, pining away for Aggie’s fella” makes retching noises “pass me the sick bucket.”

I’m scarlet, I don’t think it’s possible to get any redder from the embarrassment of my first crush been mocked in such a way and pure anger.

“Get lost Adele you haven’t a clue.”

She realizes she has went too far and comes over and hugs me how is it possible to love and hate someone so much at the same time. Joey’s looking at me weird his face is gone a funny color and he darts his gaze towards the ground when he notices I’ve noticed. Oh this day is just too complicated I’m going home. I say my goodbyes and walk trance-like home my head full of Oliver. I slam the door and remove my coat at the same time a skill I don’t even think about anymore.

I have homework to do but jump on my bed and drift of into dreamland.

I wake up remembering a conversation with my Mom I cringed at the time but can laugh at it now. It began with -

‘Excuse me Natalie but what are you doing up that pole at this time of night?’

I rolled my eyes, how many times I had told her, that I did not want to join her exercise class, and that I was not listening to her Health and Safety Training any more.

‘Mom, I have told you I want to be a fire-woman, and the only time I can practice is when you are in bed, and unable to nag me constantly.’

She murmurs something under her breath about pulling a muscle in my spine and grabs the office chair.

There are times I wish I were blind and deaf as she proceeds to drape herself across it all the while telling me I have to learn the basics as her pole is completely different than a Fireman’s pole.

I wonder can she not smell the fear emanating of me. She is a naturally, lithe, sexy woman whereas I take after my dear lumbering dad, with all the grace of an elephant trying to learn ballet.

I know I am not going to get any sleep tonight if I do not at least put on a show of trying to keep up with her and learn a move or two. ‘Okay, mom, you win give me the chair.’

She claps her hands like an excited toddler and begins to manipulate my body into all sorts of unmentionable positions. I felt like I was playing twister but with no visible means of steadying myself should I start to fall.

‘See, it’s working, you’re already at least fifty per cent more nimble than last week.’

‘Mom, you meant last week when I had the flu, and you tied me upside down, and left me there for half an hour.’

‘Don’t exaggerate dear, it was at the most fifteen minutes and I do believe it cut your out of school time by half, the rush of blood to the head or something.’

I could not argue her point, but I think it was more the heat that surged through my body when her mixed pole dancing class arrived an hour earlier than she thought. They must have thought I was enjoying some weird bondage session. Mr Roberts has never looked at me the same since.

I begrudgingly have to admit to myself that since she has got me to participate now and again my posture and along with it, confidence has greatly improved. Being a stroppy teenager, I could never tell her that, and the only time it was safe to practice without being caught was the middle of the night -

I have now given up the idea of the firefighter thing, my mind now totally engrossed in catching the eye of a certain Oliver, unless of course mom can teach him to give me a firefighter’s lift. It is hard to try to be sexy when it is your mom teaching you but she can teach me the basics. I will take it from there.

I'm pulled out of my daydreaming by a knock on the door.

“Natalie, your back early everything ok?”

“I’m fine, mom, extra homework”.

“Back to do homework, are you sure everything is ok?”

“Geez mom yep that new history teacher is a terror doesn’t let us away with anything.”

“Alright then fish-fingers and chips ok later, I have my table tennis so fast and tasty.”

“Cool.”

Great, she’ll be out for at least two hours, gives me time to come up with a plan. I get pen and paper and two lines Agne’s cons and my pros.

Agnes

Stuck Up

False

Me

Adorable

Natural

I stop pen in mid-air and run to the mirror. Who am I kidding?She’s an ‘I know I’m fabulous 16 year old’ and I’m a scuffed trainers, mud on cheek kind of girl. He’s never going to look twice at me. Dejected I open my closet door, ripped jeans, casual t-shirts and more trainers, that’s the extent of my wardrobe. What am I going to do moms a single parent, money’s short at the best of times, her new going out is the table tennis, that’s when you know things are bad, no pub. Mom had suggested I’d need a bra soon and I’d scoffed at her, but now standing sideways she’s right. Two bumps how had I not seen them before? I’ve seen Joey and Paul sneaking glances at Agnes when they think we are not looking. Eureka, light-bulb over the head moment, make the most out of these budding beauties and Oliver will soon be mine. What else has Agnes got, make-up, I’ll rummage through mom’s stash later, it’s not hidden, I’ve never bothered before.

“Natty, dinner.”

Natty what a ridiculous name to call me but every since I’ve banned Munchkin she’s taking to calling me Natty I sound like a gerbil, how hard is it to say Natalie.

“Natalie, will be down in a minute, mum.”

I hear her giggle and give an exasperated sigh but we both adore each other, I just try not to let her know lately, I’ve been practicing my scowl.

Sauntering down the stairs as if I haven’t a care in the world and if I did would be soooo unbothered to investigate it, I don’t want any questions this evening. Grab the ketchup and deposit a big dollop on my plate and loads of vinegar and guess what stomach does a loop-the-loop and I can’t touch a thing. Me, who loves my food, so much they call me the bin, can’t even put the fork to my mouth. The questions begin, “are you ok, what’s wrong, some-one picking on you, is it your womanlies?”

“Noooo, mom I’m fine just worried about my homework, I’ll be fine when it’s done, stop blathering on.” See, when I noticed my boobs I also noticed my little pot belly, small but there, Agnes would never have a pot belly, bet she’d be nine months gone before anyone knew.

“Can I be excused, I really want to get it done, I’ll clean up after, promise, you go get ready.”

Oh way, to go Natalie, now she’s more suspicious than ever when did you willingly ever offer to do homework and clean.

“If you’re sure your fine but if this keeps up I will have to go see this history teacher, there’s such a thing as too strict.”

“I know mom don’t I live with you.”

I giggle as she pretend slaps me and instead kisses the top of my head. I make a big deal about putting my earphones in she knows as soon as they are in there’s no point bothering me I won’t hear her, well I'll pretend not to anyway.

I can’t wait for mom to leave

her absence I won’t grieve

I’m doodling love-hearts with Oliver and Natalie inside them all over my history copy, I wasn’t making it all up, I really did have history homework but right now can’t see beyond Oliver’s eyes. I hear the door close, she’s gone, operation transformation here we come.