Feeling
Day 4
...of sobriety from alcohol after a 5-month relapse, June 01/2022.
I just got off the phone with a friend. I feel insecure and there’s a weight in my upper chest. Tightness in my throat. I take in a puff of the vanilla-flavoured vape. The burn helps.
Why do I feel insecure? Digging deep into this feeling and writing it out is the only way that I can cope with the pain. The alternative is the bottle. The alternative doesn’t serve me, it only pushes the feelings away for later.
I spent the last ten years of my life in the happiest place I’ve ever been. I loved my girlfriend, I liked my job, and I thrived on The Coastal lifestyle. Biking, windsurfing, hiking, tennis and travelling. Always with my darling by my side, smiling back at me, hugs from behind. She was 8 years younger than me and had no interest in investing money into anything but travelling. I was perfectly happy with that.
Now, post covid, I am single. I kind of still like my job. I am three years behind on savings. I am 39 years old, about to turn 40 in the summer.
Part of me wants to feel regret. Part of me compares myself to others and wishes things were different. Maybe if I was smarter back then. Maybe if I was able to look to the future and plan better but this was not me. I have always been immature for my age, never planning more than a week ahead.
Now, all I can do is get sober…save as much as I can and hope that the day I must leave here is the day that I can buy a home in this city, the most expensive city in the world.
Why do people brag about their oney to me? Why do they feel a safe space for this?
I feel insecure, sad, and scared. My pension won’t cover rent. The words of others are loud. “Renting is bad”, “You should own by now!”, “Owning a house means success”.
When I was happy, these words didn’t affect me, so why now?
I wake up too early in the morning and worry about where I will live when I leave here. I worry that I digress. I worry and it hurts.
Day 05
I woke up…
This feeling was….
First, my sleeps were intermittent. I remember saying, “wow, I’ve slept amazing for 4 months straight” to my ex. It’s easy to sleep with 4-5 beers in you. Just the right amount.
So, like I said, I woke up…
I remember when I was a kid, from the age of 12 to about 14, I would wake up with this feeling, strong as hell, every morning. I didn’t know what it was, I just felt it, getting up. This is what waking up feels like now. The thought of going to school and facing it, facing him, lurking in the hallways, waiting for me to pass…school breaks you.
Now, older, I know what that feeling was. It was Dread. Dread is what I woke up to every morning for two years, dread is what drove the 2:45 am wakeups, the thought that I was going to puke if I didn’t hold off until 3 AM. The witching hour, there’s truth to that.
You know you should never stay out past 3 am right? Nothing good happens after that.
Like, when you end up on the wrong side of the tracks, roaming the streets, looking for drugs, ending up in a crack house. Or when you see the sun rising in a new city, walking somewhere, who knows where, looking at the horizon and the sun pierces you and all you want to do is sleep for days. You feel nothing.
3AM haunted me at 14. Holding back an eating disorder that was just touching the surface in the middle of the night. Thank God It didn’t get as bad as it could have. Some girls don’t survive it. I’ve dodged plenty of things. I’ve dodged jail, dodged serious charges, dodged adolescent pregnancy, dodged std’s. Dodging dread whenever possible.
So, I woke up and I felt…
This day might test me, more than days 1-4.
Maybe you should write something else for a change.
Day 06
Do pot gummies count?
Note to self, pot sucks! You don’t like being high! Hello!? Anyone there?
Will the next day count as Day 07 or day 01 again?
How long does it take to fade away?
Reflecting, self-reflecting self over and over again, coming in like waves…going deep into the inner world, getting lost, then hearing something in this world that snaps you back and you feel like… you can hold on to something, feel confident again, on sturdier feet, holding yourself up…then…gone again into that inner world where emotions lay and anxious thoughts and overwhelming feelings…mostly of regret and fear…then out again, “Being high sucks” on top of it and knowing that the feeling will pass, that all thoughts pass, passing wind sails over the ocean, voices snapping back at each-other, “Grab the mast!” “Hold on!’’ and in again, feeling insecure about this writing and suddenly, “This is ridiculous” ”A waste of time” ”Total shit!” vape.
What I really want is to write something great, something that breaks through, has impact, in the “Gross’’ (not subtle way).
Day 07
Still sober from alcohol. I was just thinking about how much money I’ve already saved in 7 days. I only spent 17$ on vape. That’s it. I was averaging up to 150 per week for both before this. My savings will increase exponentially this way. The feeling I have right now is mainly restful and I’m still wondering if it was a bad idea to take those free gummies. I look forward to doing some again but is this yet another example of escapism. I ponder.
I’m nervous about seeing Dania tonight. What if Kelly wants to hang out last minute? I can’t let this girl hold me on a leash. She didn’t make any effort to plan anything with me this weekend. I can’t be expected to drop everything on a whim for her and yet, I will.
I want to hang out with Dania though, but what if something happens and then I flake out on her again? She’s a big girl. She can handle it. She’s shown to you that she could step back so it might be ok.
I’ll just see how I feel after the game and keep her posted. There’s a little party at the clubhouse after the baseball games today.
I haven’t had any overpowering urges to drink. My resolve is strong.
Why now? Life is funny that way. Timing is everything. I’m done with self-destruction and ready for growth.
