The Big Little Bus: Departure

I gnawed nervously on my fingernails as I waited for the bus. I’d never been so nervous about going anywhere. It wasn’t like it was a long journey, even. Well, it was, travelling right across the continent. But I’d backpacked farther than that a few times in the last twenty years, and my parents had instilled a love of travel in me before I was old enough to understand it.

It wasn’t the distance that daunted me. It was where I was going, and who I was going to see. It was what I was going to do when I got there, and all the people who might see something I’d kept secret so long. And how I was going to be treated on the journey, as well, because it wasn’t just any bus I was waiting for. It was a very special journey, not just because of the destination but because of all the effort that would be taken to make us comfortable along the way. A bus that catered to tastes most people wouldn’t even understand, and most of the people who wanted it wouldn’t be willing to admit. That was why I was so nervous now; I’d never told this to anyone in real life before, and until six months ago I’d never thought I would.

Now I wasn’t just fantasising, I was actually doing it. And I still didn’t know I had the nerve. Rob had invited me, and had paid for the tickets that I couldn’t have afforded in a lifetime. I’d worked for a year to cover a tenth of the price, just because I didn’t want to feel like I owed him so much when we met face-to-face for the first time.

My phone chirped in my pocket. I reached for it so suddenly that it almost tumbled out onto the hard asphalt, but by some superhuman feat of reflexes I bent over and grabbed it before the worst could happen. I quickly thumbed through the messages. Half a dozen were from my parents, asking if I was sure about going on a protracted holiday, and warning me about all the terrible things that could happen if I let someone else pay for me. I’d only feel obligated to do things for him, they said, and I should never let a man put me in that situation.

They didn’t know that much. My mind was overwhelmed by nerves, but this was such a great opportunity that I couldn’t imagine passing it up. I hadn’t even told my parents about Rob. I hadn’t told them that a guy was paying for this trip, but they knew how hard I worked and how hard I saved, and they must know that I wouldn’t have been able to afford a whole week vacation on my own. Not when tickets had arrived with the name of the Academia Hotel emblazoned proudly on the envelope in gold leaf.

There was another message from Mom. She said that a guy who promised me so much must be up to something. But I knew she was wrong; because a guy who spent so much on me could only have the purest motives. If he wanted to lure some pretty young thing there would be much cheaper, and easier, ways to do it. There were plenty of girls who would throw themselves at him with much less excuse, and probably more attractive too; I was twenty-three, but barely looked it, and while I wouldn’t describe myself as hot I’d like to think I could pull off ‘cute’ at times.

The fourth concerned message I swiped aside revealed one from Rob. My heart leapt into my mouth, as it so often did. We’d chatted online for years, and I knew his face from endless video chats that had never seemed to last long enough, but it was still a big deal to be actually meeting.

«Hi babygirl.» the message read. «I can’t wait to see you. Are you dressed up like I asked?»

I let out a little whimper under my breath, somewhere between a giggle and a moan. I don’t know how he did that to me, but any time he told me what to do, it made me feel weak at the knees. I wanted so much to please him, and somehow when he checked up on me like this, it was less oppressive and more exciting.

My thumbs danced over the keys, struggling to enter the letters in the right order. I was so nervous I could see the phone shaking as I tried to type, and the clock in the corner of the screen told me it would only be hours before we were together, meeting face-to-face at last.

«almos.» I managed to key in «I will b»

He’d told me what to wear. I had his message saved to guard against all possibility of forgetting. And I really did intend to be dressed just as he’d asked by the time he joined the bus; I just didn’t want to be wearing those clothes when my parents waved me off, or walking the streets of Wandsville. So right now I was dressed pretty conventionally, in a homely ‘Daddy’s Girl’ T-shirt that was warm and snug, and exposed neither midriff nor cleavage to the savage autumn weather. Then I had thick jeans, with a little mud splattered around the cuffs where I’d taken a shortcut across the playing field, cowboy boots that were closer to something that my cousins might wear around the ranch than the impractical imitations the fashion brands were currently churning out of their sweatshops. And a hat, of course. In this town, I wouldn’t go without a hat, scarf, and gloves. My current choice were dark green, almost matching my eyes in the estimation of Grandma Walmsey, who’d knitted them for me three Christmases before.

My bag was denim and leather, heavily patched, and did an admirable job of keeping everything inside it safe from the elements and, well, inside. Once upon a time it had been new, and might have been in line with whatever was considered fashionable at the time. More likely, it had been in the bargain basket based on the previous year’s trends, but that suited me fine. Now it had been darned and patched so many times that I wasn’t sure any of the original bag remained. I was a tomboy in a lot of ways, and valued things that would last. Right now, the bag contained a whole selection of things that I might need to survive a week, but I hoped I wouldn’t need any of them. Everything I needed should be laid on for me when I arrived. And at the top of the bag, proof of my good intentions, was the outfit that Rob had picked out for me. Some of the garments were things he’d chosen and instructed me to buy, either giving me the name of a particular design that was in a chain store’s online catalogue, or giving me a description of what he had in mind and expecting me to find it. Some of those were challenges, and I always had to make sure that nobody in my family saw what I was buying. Some of them, the higher quality stuff that rested like a velvet kiss against my skin and felt like a dream in itself, those were the ones he’d bought for me and had delivered.

My phone chirped again.

«I said I wanted you to be wearing that outfit for me when we met.» Short and concise. I took a deep breath, my nerves ratcheting up another notch. I wanted to impress him, I really did. When I started planning this trip a year before, he’d been a distant friend on the forums who was into some of the same things I was, but from the opposite side. He’d been the guy who told me about these hotels, and how amazing the one near him was. Then he’d been the guy who told me about the bus service, and how if you could afford it your fun could start from anywhere along the route, before you even reached the first casinos on the outskirts of a city famed for them. I hadn’t believed him then, but I’d since heard testimonials from a dozen people who said the busses were incredible.

«I wont let u dwn.» I typed with shaking fingers. «Cant wear that stuff round here, evrybdy laugh. Will change on bus.» I hesitated before hitting send. I could go back into the building, change my clothes in the toilets. I could board the bus in the frilliest summer dress I’d ever worn, getting in character before the journey even started. But this was the bus station, the facilities here were always gross. And the bus would be travelling slowly, taking days to cross the country, so I was sure there would be somewhere onboard I could change.

A half-formed chuckle escaped past my lips when I thought about that. Of course the bus would have a changing room on board. But now I was thinking about a very different kind of changing, that I wasn’t so confident about even after Rob’s instructions.

«I don’t want to cause you problems.» His response was immediate, and without any of the abbreviations I was so used to typing. I don’t know how he managed it. «Are you sure you’ll be properly dressed before we meet? Is that what you really want?»

«Yes Daddy» I replied as quickly as I could, and this time I took care to put the capital letters where they belonged. This message was too important to have any kind of errors in it.

I called Rob “Daddy” sometimes, even though I couldn’t imagine anyone more different from my Dad. I’d let that slip to a friend once, and endured weeks of ribbing over it. They said it was some strange kind of fetish thing, an unhealthy expression of my sex drive, but that was because they didn’t understand at all. I wanted a Daddy, that was true. Someone who would accept me for who I am, nurture me and help me to grow, without ever demanding that I grow up. There was no sex in it in my mind; I just wanted to be treated like a child again, a little girl rather than a rebellious teen or a balanced and self-sufficient young adult.

I wanted to be looked after, and until I started speaking to Rob I was sure that’s all it was. Romance, sex, and desire didn’t feature in my dreams at all, until I started to picture him speaking to me in such a stern voice. Suddenly calling him “Daddy” had started to seem strange, and now I could only bring myself to type it as part of “Yes Daddy,” our little in-joke.

There was no next message. But I’d sent that one now, and that was probably my last chance to turn back. I’d told him I would be in the clothes he’d picked, and if I wasn’t then he had every right to punish me. I wanted to give up on my restraint, to have someone else control me and make me do the right thing so that I didn’t need to show self-control. And that meant that if I didn’t do what he said, there had to be punishment. That was something I’d known for a long time, and something I’d asked for knowing that there would come a point beyond which I no longer had the choice.

There was nobody else here. Nobody standing in line for this bus. There were people around heading for different destinations, but I was sure that none of them were boarding the same bus as me. A bus that would take me back in time, in a way, and take me to a place where I could be someone else entirely.

I waited, and kept on fretting. For the rest of the week I wouldn’t need to worry, because I could rely on Rob – on Daddy, if could bring myself to think of him like that again – to make the decisions for me, and to make sure I was always where I needed to be. But here, at least as far as boarding the bus and showing my ticket went, I had to keep my dreams in check long enough to ensure I did everything right.

The sky had been overcast all morning, but it was only around nine thirty that the rain started. Not big, fat drops of water, but droplets too tiny to have any individual presence, a thin drizzle that felt more like a mist but left my hat soaked through in a minute. I was just about to turn around and see if there was anywhere inside I could stand, when the bus arrived.

I was sure it was the right one. There was no doubt, really, because there was a huge ‘BLB’ logo in a starburst emblazoned on both sides of the vehicle. The Big Little Bus Company spared no expense with their branding; but they also made considerable effort to ensure that only people in certain niche communities ever knew what the big letters stood for. There would be no embarrassment waiting for one of these busses, because to the rest of the world they were one transit company among many, and the hourglass image merged with the second B could have meant so many other things.

I was standing by the side of the road as it pulled up, not wanting to wait a second. For all my nerves, for all the indecision, this was finally it. I was heading to a city famed for gambling, and for excesses of every kind. To one lavish, themed hotel among many, where the decoration and uniforms could take you back to school again. And if the stories I’d heard were true, a hotel where the staff operated a secret creche and nursery for guests who welcomed a complete break from adulthood, to let their inner children out to play.

I couldn’t believe it. I was on my way.