Generational Curse

My name is Cortez Mitchell I was born July 8th 1991 marking me present time to be 33. I'm not exactly accomplished I'm currently an author and a regular 9 to 5 worker who struggles from insecurities tracking others success at times and feeling ashamed about where I am currently in life no children and alot of failed relationships caused me to think what am I doing so wrong. Maybe being in a situation where you are taking care of a sickly borderline bipolar mean and hateful parent could be a cause. My mother C. Mitchell isn't the easiest person to love hell even like. But I guess you do it cause at the end of the day that's your mother right? No matter how you are treated why are we conditioned as a people as a society to be there for our parents no matter what? When they wrong us we are conditioned to reach out first make it right. Our elders tell us you only get one mother u only get one father. So we reach out and thr further we reach we only grab more pain. Maybe I'm getting to far ahead obviously you have questions. Have you ever wondered why a parent who abuses you does it. It's hard to sit back and reflect what makes our parents tick why does it seem like they hate me. To understand sometimes means setting aside your personal feelings which can be hard at times. So for the purpose of this story allow me to introduce my father L Mitchell.

So remember when I mentioned understanding a parent's pain well let me introduce part of that pain my father. Together my parents had five children the union of L Mitchell and C Mitchell created five kids four girls and one boy. Which we'll get to in a moment so u may ask yourself what's wrong with that sounds like a healthy loving family to me. Remember when I said everything isn't what it seemed we'll in this case it's true. See it is true my parents had five children between them. The problem is I'm child number six the youngest in the mitchell family the child that wasn't supposed to be here . See my father was a promiscuous person. He stepped out alot ad the story goes he was doing this alot throughout the 80s in there marriage it wasn't until 91 when I was born did it all catch up to him. Born from a woman I was told was on drugs and didn't want me I ended up stuck with a lady that had to try to figure out how to love and care for me while her husband was still out there actively cheating on her. You may ask why didn't she leave we'll truth is my mom had little education and had five kids of her own for the beginning of my childhood she was an active housewife relying on my dad for finances and security. My birth mom herself had eight kids living in a project in a bad area of Memphis so that wasn't an option. I had it very rough hell we all did growing up in that light pink house on a hill was honestly hell. So in explaining all of that I often wondered why I got disciplined harder then the rest for regular children things. Even the things I would say I deserved to get disciplined for was often times excessive. Imagine getting whooped and hearing your mother tell you I didn't want you. Cursing out my birth mother. Calling my dad's name in anger for putting her through this. Imagine how low u would feel as a child. My sisters running into the room getting in the way of my mom to stop her from beating me worse then she already did. Hearing my older sister Kim ask my mom after s whooping wear my other sister Mickey wad cleaning my wounds. Asking my mom if she loved me and hearing her break down crying just from that question alone. As a child I couldn't understand what was going on but I felt the hate and the anger and pain in all her licks everytime she hit me. To young to understand why but not to young to understand that something wasn't right this wasn't normal.

So yes my mother beat me alot of times unfairly or too excessive. I remember going to school with open wounds and sores to the point I couldn't sit down in my desk in elementary. Now in present day I look back on that and think here was a woman who couldn't handle raising a child her husband created outside her marriage and I'm not saying she was supposed too obviously it's not an ideal situation for any married couple to be in. Truthfully she handled it poorly but I never expected anything better hell maybe she did the best she could in that horrible situation my father put her in. In that household there were alot of things going on throughout the years. One of the other things that I believe causes problems is favoritism. There's so much to touch on with breaking generational curses but favoritism we have to understand plays a huge role. My siblings I named of earlier u heard me mention Kim and Micky well there's also Di and my brother June these four I just named all dark skinned or a mocha brown color. That leaves one I didn't named there's brit the supposed to be last child of that union the light skinned bright yellow child that so happens to be the baby and the splitting image of her mother. I know what you thinking this maybe a reach to accuse somebody of but I have proof. There's absolutely nothing she can do wrong bulletproof brit and in present day I am constantly reminded that brit was my mom's last legit child like I don't matter. Which will get into later. To understand father these claims have to dive into the family my mother C mitchell comes from. My grandmother had a big family herself my grandmother was a dark skinned woman who had a bunch of light skinned children. Her mother was light skinned herself and she was born in the late 1800s the tail end of it. (Yes I did meet her at older age in the early 2000s she was indeed very bright skinned.) Almost made u wonder how did she have such a dark child like my grandma. Obviously if you know a little slavery history the the dark skinned people where outside picking cotton or doing yard work in the sun while the light skinned people sat inside did house work and was overall treated differently causing a generational divide and competition within each other from light vs dark skinned people. Sadly to this day over 300 years removed from slavery there's still a race battle within from ligh skinned to dark skinned. So in this case my grandmother I don't think was treated well by her mother going to my grandmother funeral years ago her nickname was let's just say a racial slur thrown at blacks I'm the 60s..... yeah that word is engraved on her tombstone most likely given to her by her light skinned mother decades ago. So my grandmother the same woman with that horrible word stuck on her tombstone had a bunch of kids herself majority of them light skinned themselves. You have to understand in light skinned families of the 60s and 70s. My grandmother didn't work often random men paid her bills that's how she survived and made due. The trauma from that type of childhood speaks volumes. Often times using there bodies or looks to thrive in life created children that tried to replicate that same behavior which didn't work out as well when times changed. But there was one constant my grandmother favored her baby her last child and so did my mother. Alot of times making excuses and protecting her and neglecting the others causes divides in the home between siblings and to this day more then ever there's a divide. If I had any advice it would be to treat all your kids equally that baby stuff is weird to me you my last child so imma treat you different or better it's not fair at all and causes trauma which is the theme of this story

Incidents as a child that causes a role in trauma Is upbringing. Things you see as a child can have heavy impact on how u manage situations and decisions later in life. I have witnessed some pretty horrific things in the house I grew up in. As we covered alot of the situations my parents was in by now u have an understanding of what molded that treatment I received. Well now the side effects of that childhood begins to rear its ugly head as we grow older. By the time im eleven in my final years of elementary going into junior high my house environment had turned into chaos. Rapid police calls and visits watching domestic violence from my father to my mom constantly him being in and out the house living with other women or on his own. Struggling to pay bills so alot of times our lights would be cut off and little to no food in the house no cable mostly half working antennas and parents that were so miserable together they deprived there children of a childhood. My mother a 5 ft 1 lady who couldn't defend herself against my 6ft4 300 plus pound father would take abuse from him and pass it down to her kids when he wasn't around. Often times excessively verbally abusing us through cleaning Snatching blankets off the beds hurling insults at my sisters about them never being able to keep a man. Or no man would ever want you. By this time my mom starred seeing another man on the side where she began topick up am addiction to alcohol. Imagine somebody already hurt and angry from there own childhood trauma combined with my father's cheating and abuse in there marriage. Somebody who is already taking all that pain out on there kids. Now developing a drinking problem liquor makes everything times worse times ten to a lady who didn't need no added fuel to be mean and hateful towards her children. My mom developed a disdain for that house on the hill. She hated it after spending her days after work with a new man it must've been so escape for her like an alternative world. A way to pretend her problems didn't exist and coming back to that house after a day with her new man you can tell the digust and anger on her face having to come inside that house. Whoever was unfortunate to be in her path when she returned was in trouble. Most of the time it was my eldest sister Mickey often times trying to protect us from our mom's wrath other times being a perfect target being the eldest and the darkest of the family didn't help at all. My mom often and still do accuse Mickey off wanting to rule over her and being mom number two which I don't think is the case at all. Often time's my mom would come back after a day of fun and abuse her children verbally call us out of our names and physically assault us. I remember probably 20 years ago witnessing something that still hunts me to this day. Watching my mom climb on top of My sister Mickey and punch her bare knuckle in the face until blood oozed out her mouth. I'll never forget the image of my big sisters blood soaked and ripped white band shirt from high school. There's an 8 and half Age difference between my sister and I. To young to stop it but to traumatized to forget it. Shocked a mother would do that to a child her first born snd to be proud of it like she was mike tyson winning a world championship to this day she shows no remorse for that claiming my sister deserved it. No child deserves what happened to Mickey that day.

That was one of many instances of abuse over the years it kept getting worse. The abuse would go down to different sisters. Anybody who challenged her Anybody who asked ber where did her paycheck go got abused. She developed a casino addiction as well to go with the alcohol now she ended up an extreme gambler. Often times buying candles and flashlights and potted meat and crackers. Before hand to prepare us for our lights being cut off before she got paid. Having the money to pay it she decided numerous of times to take that check to the casino with her logic being least u got a roof over your head. To her nothing else mattered not the embarrassment of being laughed at for everybody seeing the electric company constantly cutting you off. Having the money to by groceries and instead choosing to buy potted meat or having her boyfriend by gad station chicken trying to feed six hungry kids but once u got the box it would be half ate up and bones cause they ate it before it got to you. You try to talk to her about it you get slapped or your hair pulled out like my other sister Kim. Who became the new target for my mom's abuse. The theme to me is not being able to properly deal with trauma for all the trauma my mom endured in her life we watched a hero basically become a villain. It was a side decline but unfortunately I've learned most relationships a child is a bi product of that union. Alot of times if that husband or wife split up you become a reminder of what they had or what could have been and that constant reminder just slaps u in the face and alot of parents can't take it and it effects how they treat they kids. In my case I look like my dad maybe I have similarities of my birth mom and I felt I've been abused because of it. From the beatings to constantly being belittled or put down. No doubt about it my treatment is a product of features I have of my dad. The crazy thing I don't understand is present day. My mom and dad can have a normal conversation and yet I get called and yelled at and treated poorly I didn't ask to be here. What I will tell people from my experience is if you are in a relationship and your spouse has a child outside the relationship I do not care about what situation you are in do not under any circumstances take that child in if you know you can't separate the love you are supposed to give a child from the horrible way the child got there. Some people can and my hats off to those women and men he can set aside there differences for the love of an innocent child to nurture a child who doesn't know how or why we are in this world. For my situation especially I was a sickly child born with a disability lobster claw syndrome having missing toes and two fingers on my left hand. Arguing over who gets my disability check only to spend it on themselves. Just all around horrible people who in my opinion shouldn't have had kids. We are all affected in some way shape or form. Interesting enough I have a saying in my family that says we all grew up in the same house be we all have different stories. This goes back to favoritism treating people differently. Not all of us was treated as poorly as the others case and point as horrible as my childhood was I was never physically assaulted by anyone of my parents yes I was abused with a belt or switch but never with bare fist. Like Mickey or Kim. The others Di June and brit was never assaulted on any level may have been some rough arguments but it never got to the point where me Mickey or Kim got. Everybody has different stories and depending on who u ask they think there life was rougher then the others. In actually its not a contest all of our life sucked did one person have it harder i think we all have valid arguments but in actuality it doesn't matter it was all terrible. But the favoritism how can u in your head as a parent decide which child is going to get abused the worst based on there look or personally or how they dress it has caused a forever divide and underlying issues between siblings cause as siblings u wonder what was so special about you that mom just yelled at you but punched me. Why did I get kicked out the house and you just get grounded. It forces kids to become resentful and in return causes dislike between siblings we have no control over cause as siblings once we find out where mommys favorite or daddy's favorite we run with it getting the other in trouble overreacting to something or making up things to get the other in trouble. Favoritism causes a unfair shield on one child when all children should feel shielded by our parents. I think the worst feeling in the world is a child feeling like one parent loves one over the other and that's been the story of my life a very terrible feeling.

No inspiring feeling in the infancy stages of our youth. It's very important as parents to understand our words have power. You have to inspire your kids even when you don't believe yourself a child's imagination is powerful and it's critical as parents we don't ruin the dream or vision. Me myself I was never told I could do something. I remember being told when I stared playing basketball by my father to try to be an nfl kicker you can't play basketball how you were born. I was told my last year of high school that they wad happy getting 4 out of 6 diplomas cause brit dropped out before me. While I was actively still in my senior year hearing that I was already counted out before I could finish it was very hurtful especially seeing that I had given no sign or indication that I would not get my diploma I was a ok student hovering into a 3.0 GPA I could have did better like maybe we all could've but I wasn't a bad student that encouraged my parents to believe I would fail. But my last year of high school they was done as parents because they had no hope or faith in me. They didn't buy me school clothes. My brother got my clothes and shoes hell one year the band teacher got me 2 pair of shoes and I was the only child left in School so they had the money they just stopped caring. My sister bout me school supplies. I remember getting my report card and trying to give it to my mom and her looking me in my eye and telling me why you showing me this I'm done all my kids are out of school go show your daddy on the couch. I never felt more unwanted more unloved. I had no curfew nobody cared where I was. I had no rules no structure that last year. I got threw it by having to answer to my sister's for bad grades. My sister's who held me accountable when I wanted a new video game or new outfit and if my grades wasn't up to par they challenged me they scolded me. They kept me in line checking on my grades ever report card period and at this time Mickey and Kim was in two different states doing more for me then my parents who at this point had given up. 4 out of 6 became my obsession not that I needed it. I was a bad student I would have graduated without that comment but that's the parents I had.

So advancing years later to go present day my mom has health problems. She suffered a really bad health scare two years ago. You know taking care of her with my brother she's out of work keeping the rent paid and being told hurtful things as u fight to keep her afloat I can tell you getting her back to good health was a fight to being verbally abused constantly picked on the alcohol addiction has gotten worse. She hadn't got any treatment for trauma not from her past or her current situation despite us asking her to do so. This short story was made primarily to bring awareness to mental health and generational trauma that my family suffers from which alot of families do. Instead of seeking help and alot of times people are embarrassed to do so. So unknowingly we hold that pain in and pass it to our kids. My sisters have kids some trauma has been passed down as well. Sometimes we become the very same thing we try to escape from. I have suffered from insecurities and doubts not being given proper tools as a man to succeed in this world. Having to figure out things on my own my parents didn't teach me how to drive what's expected me as a man I didn't get a sex conversation I didn't get a job application I didn't get rides to college. Everything I have I got in spite of and alot of us do get our things in spite of which is sad cause parents should if they can help there kids if not by money but with words encouragement knowing your parents believe in you can do wonders for a child. I never had that nor do I want it now. Looking for love from outside parties is a real thing often times not being loved by your parents or family can clearly make you super clingy in relationships and I often suffered from that when I was younger. Running girls away always pushing my insecurities and my childhood trauma on my girlfriends forcing them to feel sorry for what I been through. It's the whole don't leave me abandonment syndrome thing. Very shameful behavior triggered by generational trauma. The ability to get used easily played by people the ability to keep a friendship or relationship despite u knowing in the back of your mind you getting used but your inability to be alone or being scared to make hew friends or relationships you stay in a bad situation. I've been there and it stems from of course generational trauma. Not being afraid to attack our trauma and sometimes confronting the bully. Being able to talk to our parents about our feelings and even if they don't agree or listen getting it off your chest is just as important its not about getting them to say sorry it's about freeing your soul getting back your freedom freeing that little boy or little girl within you that's hurt and scared or traumatized.

The worst thing the thing that bothers us the most is accountability when the person who hurt you. Won't apologize denies it or says you somehow deserved it or brought it on yourself. Often times parents treat tgerr kids bad plainly out of spite for there own bad childhood. If they childhood was bad they give u a bad childhood cause selfishly they don't want you to have a better childhood then them. I can't tell you how many times it was said to me or my sisters if you think that's bad you should see what my mom did to me. You should see what my dad did to me least I smacked you my mom used her fist. What does that even mean does that mean I'm treating you like crazy but it could be worse I could do you worse then this so be thankful I gave u 50 percent of my trauma. It's senseless I've seen alot of trauma and I do my best in hoping that I pads information to my nieces and nephews my future kids cause they can break this chain they can break this cycle of pain and jealousy neglect favoritism and everything that comes with generational trauma. I often wonder what my grandma would say my dad's mom passed away when I was three years old. She was the one who made my dad get me from my birth mom when I got stuck in a foster home in the foster system. I'm sure she didn't believe my life would turn out like this but she was also a victim of trauma my grandpa wasn't to nice to her as well domestic violence cheating probably were my father got it from. But in all honesty generational trauma is out there everyday people suffer from it. I hope if this story can help one person open up to help there trauma I feel like things are in a better place. We all have to do our part in ending generational trauma and it starts bringing awareness to it. So many people are afraid to talk about it or feel to soft to talking about it. It doesn't make you any less of a person to talk about it opening up about it. Therapy or just finding someone you close too can help alot to start to heal from trauma I don't know if you can 100 percent get over trauma as I can honestly say my sister's haven't been talking about it and understanding the orgins of it helps immensely. Everything has a beginning there are reasons why things happen and some reasons are deeper then we even know. This story doesn't make excuses for trauma but hopefully brings a newfound awareness to it in hopes we do are part to end generational trauma.