Walter Miller

Walter Miller walked the halls of the White House continuously. Things hadn’t exactly worked as planned although planning wasn’t exactly Walter’s strong suit. Every move he’d made since inauguration day had been met with criticism and ridicule. He didn’t really expect to win the election so his learning curve had been steep. And the one thing Walter Miller didn’t care for, was learning. Most of his life he’d outsourced any learning, usually via some paid stooge. He was a smart guy, he didn’t need to know all the details. People hadn’t really noticed what a big dummy Walter was until he’d become President. Now, with every stupid statement and utterance, he betrayed his significant ignorance.

None of his previous strategies used in the business world seemed to help him as President. Getting a lot of jobs finished by ripping off the people who were actually doing the work didn’t seem to apply when running America, at least not in a way that Walter had yet to figure out.

Now, after only a few months in, investigations were swirling around the Miller Presidency. Walter arrived a rich man and really did not care for the emoluments clause because he still had a business to run and families and ex-wives to support, thank you very much. He had some tax issues and conflicts that he felt no-one needed to know about and would easily be mis-read by the pesky press so he hadn’t released his taxes as previous Presidents had done.

Miller’s fame came from when he’d hosted the reality show, “The Lackey”. It was very popular with the bro demo and fans of puppy torture. It was then that Miller began thinking that he could become President because people liked his program plus he owned some large and showy properties and his daddy was rich, important stuff like that. It was also at this time when he’d discovered that he might have to release his taxes and his taxes were very embarrassing, not to mention indictable.

After some time went by, Walter Miller decided that he should give running for President another try mainly because it should help him raise enough cash and bump up his profile significantly so that he could stay afloat for a few more years. Things were that bad for this alleged billionaire. So, Walter was quite shocked when he’d actually won. You see, he had to thread this electoral needle in order to win this thing, so the odds were stacked against him. Walter couldn’t stop reveling in his victory to the continued annoyance of everyone within earshot which was often the entire world since he would often conduct his reveling in front of cameras and on The Internet. But that was the least of Walter’s problems.

The train-wreck that would soon be the midterm elections was still on schedule for a head-on collision. He promised to fix health-care, to not touch Medicare, to make MillerCare be much better than his predecessor’s care system - but he really had no idea as to how he’d make any of it happen. He never really thought about his own health care. He was rich, he didn’t need to. The idea that other people didn’t live high on the hog was a hard concept for Walter to wrap his head around. These people were probably just lazy, he figured. He’d spent his entire seventy years not giving a crap about others, so it was hard to start caring now, but Walter sorely wanted his numbers to go up. Unfortunately, everything he’d done so far was not helping and it looked like even his staunchest fans were starting to realize what a foolish, foolish, man Walter really was.

Normally, at this point, Walter would cut his losses and declare bankruptcy but the lawyers told him that as president this was not an option. Plus, his numbers would continue to sink anyway. Deep down, Walter just wanted to be loved. Or, he was an insane control freak, it was hard to tell which. Probably a little of both.

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Justin Soar sat in his office down the hall from President Walter Miller. Justin didn’t say much. He found he did much better if he stayed below the radar. Somehow he ended up marrying Miller’s daughter, Canka, who was quite a hottie. He wasn’t even sure who she actually was until after they’d been out a few times. It was apparent to Justin that Canka liked him which was why he kept his mouth shut. As his father used to say, you could only blow it by saying the wrong thing. Supposedly, women liked the strong silent types but what they really liked were guys who didn’t say stupid stuff all the time.

Initially, he was only trying to get in Canka’s pants but then he found out who her daddy was and he realized the opportunity that was at hand. (so to speak) Of course, never in his wildest dreams did he think he’d end up in the White House. And yet, here he was.

Miller had tasked Justin with numerous jobs which, even to Justin, seemed like a really stupid idea but disagreeing with his father-in-law had proven to be a dangerous move. Look what happened to some of the other Miller kids. Other than Canka, none of them were in the White House. He’d only met Canka’s sister, SpankBanka, once and that was on Inauguration day. According to Canka, SpankBanka was a bit of a rebel growing up and had apparently disagreed with daddy one time too many. Supposedly, the brothers were running the Miller business’s now but every time Canka heard that, she giggled a little which made Justin think the brothers weren’t really doing anything at all.

But none of that mattered today. Today, Justin was to meet with someone from Israel because Justin was now in charge of peace in the Middle East. In spite of the fact that Justin’s previous experiences would lead you to believe that he shouldn’t be in charge of the cash register at the local 7-Eleven, Justin was now in charge of peace in the Middle East. Walter Miller didn’t become the not-really successful businessman he was today by playing by the rules, after all. Of course, Walter Miller would say he was enormously successful but facts betrayed that reality. Walter was a billionaire as long as you didn’t count his debt or use math.

Justin figured, I only have to stall for four years, I mean they haven’t figured out the Middle East in forever so surely my part will just be another blip on the radar. Besides, say he were to miraculously come up with the answer, you know Miller would just fuck it up so bad that he, Justin, would get blamed. So, stalling on this particular duty seemed like his best option. Besides, making nice with diplomats wasn’t exactly digging ditches.

Down the hall between Miller and Soar walked Rick Mason, supposedly Miller’s most trusted advisor. He walked over to Soar’s door and was about to knock when he noticed Soar’s secretary giving him the stink-eye. He stood poised to knock and said, “He in? And Alone?” She nodded. “OK, thanks.” Mason immediately opened the door and walked in. He liked to barge in. Every once in a while, you’d catch somebody doing what they weren’t supposed to be doing. It’s fun, he thought. Everyone should try it.

“Dammit Rick, I hate when you do that. You’re such a douche.”

“Dude, you’re so boring. I don’t even know why I bother. It’s not like I’m gonna catch you and Canka… ya know, doin’ it.”

“I can’t believe Walter hired you to advise him… on what? Writing bad scripts for Hollywood?” Rick was constantly going on about how Hollywood didn’t know talent when they fell over it. Justin figured Rick was probably not all that good. Talent will out, some might say. He sucked, some others might say.

Rick glared at Justin, then said, “What do you know?” After a few seconds, he said, “All I know is you better get on this Middle East thing. Miller’s gonna put up with your sorry ass for only so long. Tell me Justin, can you point to the Middle East on a map?”

“Go fuck yourself Rick and be sure to advise Walter on whatever it is you’re an expert on, which can’t be much. Maybe Walter needs advice on how to run a racist website. Musta been hard, eh?”

“Yeah, fuck you too. What have you ever done, you spoiled little…” Rick wanted to say more but that insult would be cutting entirely too close to Walter.

“Go on, you can say it. I’m a spoiled rich kid who’s only here because of the President’s daughter, right?”

“You said it, I didn’t. Listen, as fun as this is, I have something you need to tell that Israeli fuck you’re seeing today. You need to tell him to give a message to Netanyahu which is, Miller is on Netanyahu’s side as long as he lays off Saudi Arabia. Otherwise we might have to talk to Palestinia.”

“You mean representatives of Palestine? There is no Palestinia, dumbass.”

“Whatever. Just tell him, OK?” Justin nodded.

“We’ve got some business going on in Saudi Arabia and we don’t want to screw it up. Walter would be so angry and I’m not taking the blame alone.”

“Why would he blame you?”

“You know Walter, it’s always somebody’s fault. And it’s never his.”

“True nuff,” said Justin.

“So, you’re gonna tell that Israeli fuck?”

“I said I was, didn’t I?”

With that, Rick left Justin’s office. They’d been through similar song and dances before.

It’s not like Justin could do anything more than repeat to the Israeli gentleman what Rick had said. It was the usual stupid threat that these troglodytes often came up with. Rick was a lot like Walter in that way. Probably why Walter liked him. He was petty and mean and didn’t care who knew it.

Rick slouched back to his office. He had no discernible role at the White House other than his advisor role which was essentially meaningless. The fact of his continued employment was due only to the whims of Walter Miller, who so far seemed to need him. It’s what Miller kept saying anyway. “I can’t do without you,” he’d say. But Mason knew the wrong move could end him. Traditionally, his position was often short-lived even in the calmest of administrations. And no one had seen anything like the Miller Presidency so he figured his days were numbered no matter how he looked at it. The only question was what number would that be.

If Miller hadn’t been such an unpredictable madman, things could have gone a lot smoother but he had to make a gazillion promises of which only some could be kept and would be kept. I mean, he was running as a Republican for God’s sake. Better and affordable national health care for which the Republicans wanted no part of? Please.

So, now this train-wreck of broken promises was heading down the track due to smash the Republican Party and the Miller administration come November. It’s all Mason could think about. Unless the Democrats all stepped on their collective dicks, it was over in November and Mason would probably be back to running some racist website or another. Or maybe handling some other schmuck’s political campaign which wouldn’t be so bad, really. At least it wouldn’t be nearly as high profile - plus Mason could name his price.

“Can you get me somebody in here? I need them to get something from an auto parts store? My car’s fucking up.” He released the button on the intercom.

“OK, Mr. Mason,” said his secretary through the com. Until this job, Mason never had a secretary before so it was still a bit of a novelty.

The TV across from his desk was on CNN with the sound off. Today’s Miller story was another aspect regarding the FBI investigation which always seemed to have new twists and turns. Mason had advised Miller to continue to refer to all such news as fake news. He knew his followers would mostly continue to believe this but that this massive group had been dwindling in spite of all efforts by Mason or Miller or anyone else to prevent this from happening. If they couldn’t stem this tide of negativity, it seemed unlikely the Republicans would hold the House or the Senate come November.

It had been suggested that giving the people what they wanted in the form of actual good national health care might actually work but they couldn’t get this idea enough votes from Republicans to make that happen and they couldn’t really work with the Democrats because the demonization had worked so well that, if they did, they’d lose votes from their base. Basically, it seemed, they were fucked no matter what they did.

In the back of Rick’s head, he was constantly hoping for a really big terrorist incident somewhere in the U.S. because that might actually do it. Oh, and not one of those Christian terrorist incidents that we mostly got and had to pretend were not actually terrorist incidents. Those really irritated Mason. No, what was needed was a nice little Muslim dude killing some Americans. Mason could really stir the rabble with that. But, no, where’s a freakin’ Muslim terrorist when you needed one?

Rick’s com erupted, “Mr. Mason, the man you wanted? He’s here.”

“OK, send him in.” Mason assumed it was a White House intern, of which there were many. Usually, they were campaign workers who’d stumped for Miller.

Mason’s door opened and in walked a young guy Mason remembered meeting during the campaign… in Maryland, he thought?

“Yeah, I know you… have a seat.” Mason pointed in the general direction of two chairs that were facing Mason’s desk.

“Yes, Mr. Mason, we met during the campaign. It’s an honor to be here, I can tell you.” The man stuck his hand out and Mason reached out…

“I’m sorry, what’s your name again?”

“Oh, no problem. I’m Jeffrey Spencer, we met in Gaithersburg at the rally…” He was pale, tall and thin and looked about twelve although Mason assumed he was in his twenties.

“Yes, I do remember your face… Anyway Jeff, I need you to help me with a car problem that I haven’t had time to fix.”

“And you came to the right guy then. Before my job here, I fixed brakes for a living.”

“So, you know about cars. Great. Super.”

“I can probably fix it for you if you want.” The kid seemed eager and Rick was eager to take advantage.

Rick smiled. “I don’t know why not. We got any ex-plumbers working here? I have this shower-head problem…”

“I don’t know. I’ll ask around.”

“Umm… I was kidding Jeff, but thanks anyway.” Rick smiled, stood up and pulled his keys from his pocket and proceeded to slip his car key off the ring.

“So, here’s my key and how long do you think this’ll take?”

“I’ll work on it… could be later today or tomorrow morning, maybe?”

“Fine. Just let me know when you have an ETA, OK?”

Jeff Spencer nodded and walked out the door. Rick was already distracted by an idea that had suddenly come to him during his interaction with Mr. Spencer. It wasn’t a very nice idea but it could work.

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