Katfish

Kat smiled at her camera and laughed as she answered comments from her viewers. "While I appreciate being called the Love Guru, I don't actually feel like one. I do appreciate your faith in my advice, and I love to hear your success stories. I genuinely believe that your successes have more to do with you being willing to put yourself forward. My advice might give you more courage, but you guys are your own Love Gurus, never forget that."

Kat smiled as she read off the next viewer question. "How do you know if you are actually in a relationship and not a situation ship? Well, this actually pairs well with another question several viewers sent in so I will wind up today's show answering both but first...."

Kat chuckled, "Yes, my name really is Kat Valentino. My full legal name is Katarina Merea Valentino. I do also answer to Fishbait as I am indeed Catfish bait on all forms of social media, and I reply to the shortened Bait as well. I was given that name by the kids at the rec center where I have been known to play video games. No matter the game, if I enter a field, the enemy or monsters instantly appear. Hence, I am Bait."

Kat rubbed her hands together and leaned forward with a gleam in her eyes as she spoke excitedly, "Now to the good stuff. Your first clue that you're in a situationship... Your partner isn't discussing the future. Your plans and conversations revolve around the current time period. But... if they are discussing family gatherings, vacations, the big events. That's just one and sometimes, a situationship will rarely include an event. Never Say never. Also, some of you asked if timeframe played into a situationship, not really. Some may last a few weeks, others can actually last months and also years."

Kat shifted in her seat and continued, "A big component here is that in a relationship, you have spoken exclusivity, not implied or assumed but very clear line. A situationship has zero exclusivity, erratic contact, no real talks about where you could be as a couple in the future. Also, as some call a red flag... Have you met their social circles? How were you introduced in those circles? Finally, what level of emotional intimacy do you share? Do you support each other with your deepest vulnerabilities?"

Kat took a sip from her mug and spoke with emphasis, "This isn't to say that one is better than the other because, what one person needs may not be the same as what another needs. Our lives can be messy and complicated but a situationship will work where a relationship will fail. Also, keep in mind that a situationship can be emotionally difficult. When we get let ourselves be physically intimate, we release oxytocin, this can cause us to feel trust where maybe, we shouldn't. Our hormones and ingrained biological needs are no joke when they kick in. So, keep in mind, you are dealing with, mind, body and heart. The body can sometimes override both the mind and the heart with hormones. Be sure of what you want and aware of what you are getting into, know where your hormones might be trying to lead you astray."

Kat adjusted herself in her seat and added, "I have by no means given you a complete list but a starting point and a few guidelines. Communication is always the key, no matter what you are in, be it a relationship or a situationship. We have our words, and we should use them."

Kat looked down at her notes in her hand and smiled as she looked back up into the camera. "Ok, Dating Terminology basics. Love bombing, that is someone that will shower you with affection. Lovebomber is the person that is showering you. They can be tricky, in most cases, they don't stick around. A typical lovebomber is there for the initial romance high, they love the initial high of the first blush of love. But... there is a smaller percentage that are like this, and it is their personality. Whether long term or short, it can be a bit much for most people for others, they ride it out and just enjoy it while it lasts. Again, it is about being away of your comfort zone and being away that it may be short lived, and they could vanish without explanation."

Kat shrugged and moved on, "Then we have ghosting, basically, they vanish. Poof, gone. The next stage up from ghosting is orbitting. They ghost you but still your social media. Then you have zombeying, they ghost you but come back from the dead completely random."

"Then we have our psuedo relationships, pocketing. Pocketing means they keep you a secret, not good unless it's really what you want as well. Next, we have breadcrumbing. Breadcrumbing is where there are stretches of nothing then tiny bits or breadcrumbs of affection, a little at a time, basically just enough when needed to keep you on the line. Finally, we have benching. To me benching is the cruelest of all. The person doing the benching knows, they do not want you, you are in no way a true potential partner but, despite not needing you now, they may have a need for you in the future. Hence, they do not let you move on."

"Now, the important thing about all of these is that if you are the one doing it, be aware that the person you keep on the line is a person, with feelings. Please, be respectful. I don't care if you are male of female or anywhere in the spectrum, no one deserves to be breadcrumbed, pocketed or benched. All three are pretty horrible. As for ghosting, orbitting and zombeying, I have one thing to say... use your words. Everyone is looking for something, find your someone but do it with empathy for those you encounter in the meantime. If you only want a secret partner, be honest, find someone that wants to be your secret."

"So, as is my practice, I prefer to leave you all on a fun note and a smile on your face. Today's podcast was about clarification. And... boy do I have a doozy for you today about clarification."

"A couple of years ago, I dated a traveling salesman. He sold garage doors, yep, true story. Well, let me set the stage for you. It was Fall, the leaves were beautiful, in all their multicolored glory. Reds, oranges, yellows, brown and green. There was a crispness to the chilly air, and I was walking home in my tan sweater dress, brown suede boots with a wedge heel, and a scarf wrapped expertly around my neck as I hummed to myself while carrying a grocery bag in one hand a wine in my other."

Kat paused to take a sip from her mug and continued, "I entered my apartment, sat down my bag and the bottle them removed my scarf and fluffed my hair. I put on an apron and happily began preparing dinner. I was sautéing my onions in butter, pulled out a small tube of roasted garlic, and picked some basil from my window herb garden. I was already late so I opened a can of basic tomato sauce and poured it into my saucepan and tossed the can. I got my water on to boil, added a pinch of salt and a splash of grapeseed oil to the water to boil for my pasta. But.... before I could get any further, I heard a key in the lock and in he walked."

Kat leaned back in her chair and spun as she brought her hands up to her chest and sighed. "He was so handsome! Tropical ocean blue eyes, full lips, chiseled jaw, a day's worth of stubble and a head of chocolate brown hair with caramel-colored highlights. Oh, he was eye candy for sure and made my heart skip a beat. I wasn't sure how I attracted his attention, and I didn't care. He was mine! He smiled and me and my heart swelled, and I ran to him and threw myself into his arms. We kissed."

Kat said as she blushed and touched her lips in memory of the kiss. "Ohhhh, he could kiss. That should have been my first clue. Anyway, I pulled him into the kitchen. I slowly slid my hands under his jacket and slid it from his shoulders. Then, I loosened his tie and undid his top button." Kat sighed.

"I held up my tiny bottle of wine and asked him if he wanted to share it with me and he chuckled as he took it from me. he said it was charming. I replied, let's hope it's as charming to the pallet as it is to the eyes. He just smiled at me as I turned to stir my onions and check my water. I turned as he let out a yelp. He had somehow managed to spill the wine. As he removed his shirt. I took it from him to get it into the washer. I noticed coverup on the collar and looked at his neck. There was a partially covered hickey. Being me, I asked, so... about that hickey?"

Kat shrugged and added with a frown, "He looked me in the eye and said, it was the craziest accident at the hotel I was at. See, I was beside the bed on the floor exercising with my noise cancelling earbuds in. Meanwhile, the hotel maid came in and she also had in earbuds, and she went to clean and accidentally got me with her vacuum. It was the craziest thing. Go ahead, look, it's a perfect circle."

Kat gave a nod and held up a finger as she continued. "Being the least trusting person on the planet I asked, what hotel was it? He chuckled and pulled out his phone and gave the number to the hotel. I called, got the maid that he just happened to have the name of, and I asked her if she vacuumed by boyfriend on the neck. She replied, "yes," as she giggled. Then, I asked, "did he have any mark there before you vacuumed his neck? His smile dropped as did his jaw as he stared at me."

Kat raised her eyebrows and nodded, "I went there, something in my gut was not accepting his story. The maid giggle and replied, yes, he had a hickey from me but he didn't want his girlfriend to know what we did all weekend. I hope she finds out and dumps him."

Kat nodded and smiled, "So yeah, I dumped him but, I still see him around. He's orbiting me and I'm ignoring him. He gave what could have been a funny story had I blindly accepted it. My gut knew something was off and I got clarification. Know your worth, know you limits. Never settle. Do I miss him sometimes, yes, I'm not gonna lie. He had an accent that made my knees weak and when he kissed me my clothes just removed themselves. But... he was also a lying cheater. I need monogamy and I refuse to settle. Thank you all for listening, be safe and go fish.”