Drowning
I was reckless. Maybe self-destructive. Maybe just lost. Drinking was my way of numbing the past, and my goal was simple—to drink until my body gave up on me. It didn’t help that i was homeschooled throughout my teenage years and i made terrible choices once i found out about my past. But when university started, something inside me flickered. A tiny piece of hope. Maybe I’d stop drowning. I forced myself to be more outgoing, made what I thought were friends—but looking back, they were just acquaintances. They used me because I had a car, and I used them for companionship. It was a fair trade, I suppose. Then came him.
He was Indian. My senior. And I hated Indians. I wasn’t racist. Well maybe I was for a while but thats because I was raped when I was younger and it was by two guys who were indians. I got bullied by indians. I got abused by my babysitter who was also an Indian. So I convinced myself that all Indians were the same. It wasn’t fair, I know. But trauma doesn’t care about fairness.
I avoided him. Yet, there was something about the way he kept seeking me out, the attention he gave, that made me entertain him just a little. A week passed, and he kept asking me out. I kept saying no. Until, one evening, we went to the harbour. He wanted to show me something.
I was bored. He was hopeful.
And then he asked me to be his girlfriend.
I didn’t love him. I didn’t even like him like that. But when he asked if we could “just try it out,” I said yes. Maybe because I was hungover. Maybe because I thought I’d never get another chance at this kind of thing.
That night at his apartment, we kissed. My first kiss. Then things went further. I let it happen, but I hated it. It was painful, uncomfortable. No sex though and I’m so fucking grateful I didn’t let him. But after that, he started controlling me—wanting me over more, keeping me away from people. This went on for about a month.
And that’s when I met him. Tharun.
I wasn’t even supposed to meet him that day. I had gone over to that guy’s place early before taking my friend to the doctor. When she asked if she could bring a few more people, I didn’t think much of it and obviously said yes. Looking back now, if i didn’t say yes, I probably would never have met him because we had different friend groups. It’s truly funny how life works.
The first time I met Tharun was awkward. Benjamin Ho introduced me to him during the 1st week of the term, and when I went for a handshake, he went for a high five. Our hands hung there in the air, suspended in our shared awkwardness.
I only noticed one thing—I liked his hair.
The second time we met, I was driving. Recklessly, on purpose. I thought it was cool. Maybe I wanted to impress them. Maybe I just wanted to feel something. But when they told me to slow down, I did. They took my phone to change the music, but before that, the songs I had playing—Replay and some 2000s hits—caught Tharun’s attention.
“You like these songs?” he asked.
I nodded.
I don’t know why, but I liked the way he asked. He and another guy who was in the car, Khalif, changed the songs.
Then, out of nowhere, he asked, “Can you speak Tamil?”
I hesitated.
And then, I told him that I could count in Tamil. And he wanted to hear it. My whole life people has always asked me to count too and they always laugh and I always feel so embarassed and stupid. But when he laughed, I thought it was the fucking cutest thing ever and i wanted to make him laugh again for some reason.
Later, at the mamak after the doctor’s visit, he sat across from me. I didn’t know why, but suddenly, I was shy. I ordered my food, asking for no spice, and everyone laughed because I didn’t know Malay.
He laughed again.
And that was the first time I felt the butterflies so strong.
When my food came, it was spicier than I expected. He noticed.
“Do you want to change it?” he asked.
I shook my head and pretended not to care. I ignored him and talked to the others. I
was so fucking shy and I couldn’t for the life of me undsestand why.
Back at uni, they wanted to play hide and seek. Tharun was supposed to find us. I got added to their group chat for the first time. But something changed. He got annoyed, maybe frustrated with the game, and messaged that he was giving up.
For some reason, I texted him privately.
“Go upstairs,” I told him.
“I gave up,” he replied.
I felt so stupid. Why did I even say that?
Later, me, him and Ayra (my other friend) sat together, talking about school. She shared about how she would feel left out sometimes and then I told them how I always felt so alone at home and about being bullied in kindergarden. It was the first time i actually opened up to people and thinking back now, I think I opened up because I wanted Tharun to know. He told me his stories and how he could relate as well.
And somehow, it was suddenly just us talking and Ayra stopped sharing. I felt so comfortable for the first time. I hung out with Benjamin Ho later and I remember thinking that I had been drowning for so long but for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel so alone.
Thank youu to whoever started reading! I wrote stories before but I’ve always deleted them because I truly hate my own writing. I hope y’all enjoy! This is mostly for myself and I’m not really looking into making this a long term thing so this will be a short stor
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