What is your opinion?
More!
"As soon as I got into it it ended! Noooooooooooooo! I really hope you write more. I absolutely love this. Reminds me of my teenager years."
Guns and Brains
"This is the kind of story I would have drooled over when I was a teenager, full of Heinlein, Frank Herbert, and Battletech novels. While the story revels in tech wonders and science fiction action, it's also a very thoughtfully-written work, with a lot of "our" world thrown in. Racism, satire, social commentary--it all makes an appearance in this far-flung world. Indeed, it reminds me a bit of Starship Troopers (the book, not the movie!) in its approach to militaristic science fiction. The writing is terse, yet descriptive and flows beautifully. The author is also excellent at pacing, knowing when to slow down to one and two word sentences to make time slow to a crawl. The characters and setting are marvelous and this is a fantastic read for anyone remotely interested in thoughtful, yet exciting science fiction. I read this long ago but forgot to vote for it, and on a second read I found it even more impressive. So what are you waiting for, go vote for it! :)"
!!!
"It is quite refreshing to read original work that has a really well developed plot and well-fleshed characters! I've sent this story to mentor, who happens to love everything sci-fi because she's worked under lucasfilms as a script writer and a concept artist. I'm sure shed enjoy this too! Do keep up the great work!"
Very good!
"Making comments as I read through (and back tracking sometimes): Plot: Flying ships. Academy. Terran. Novan. This sounds like some great foundational world building. Terran and Novan are a type of student I’m assuming? The colored armbands are a great addition and I’m curious to figure out the groups each different color represents. The Kinetic Neural Amplification for the machines they pilot is pretty awesome. I'm getting a Pacific Rim vibe and that’s making me curious about what they fight in the real world. Writing: Your writing is fairly fluid and easy to read. I did notice a few filler/unnecessary words. Example from the first paragraph: [had already pulled him away, quickly fading away...] the second away is not necessary. [“You look lost,” She stood almost...] the comma should be a period. [“My name is Alexis,” she stuck out her hand...” There should be a period after Alexis and the ‘s’ in ‘she’ should be capitalized. ‘she stuck out her hand’ is not a dialogue tag, it’s an action tag. I’m mentioning this because you do it a couple of times. [“Yea I am,” She said] did you mean ‘yeah’ – I guess it’s all the same. Don’t hold me to it, but I believe there should be a comma after ‘yea’. Also, the ‘s’ in ‘she’ should not be capitalized. http://scookiereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/dialogue-marks-and-taglines.html [Though he was prepared it] – I think you’re missing a word in this sentence. Your fight scenes are awesome. I’m not usually into the fight scenes (in writing anyway) because they tend to get over described so usually I skip. I didn’t with your scenes – the robot like suits helped make it more interesting too. [Cross slammed his it against Wes’s neck.] remove ‘his’. Characters: I like Kosu. She not only stands out with her different eyes but her personality is very in-your-face and it’s obvious she doesn’t care what people think of her. Plus, if she’s the only ‘surviving’ member of the third class because the others all quit it makes me wonder what the Terrans had to go through. If they all quit because they couldn’t deal with the ‘scornful remarks’ from the other students then that makes her the tough one because she could deal with it. Cross seems like an interesting main character too. A miner from Jiana... why is Banksy sorry to hear that that is where Cross is from? Some type of accident happened, I’m assuming. Makina is also a potentially fabulous character. Her flaws –like her prejudice against the Terrans- give her room to grow as a character. The fact that she fell asleep during what sounds like a very important test because it was too early in the morning just makes me like the potential her character presents even more."
Great Anime Style Mecha Story
"I loved this story from the very first paragraph. I really think you might want to consider using it for your description. I thought it was an interesting story with a few details left to the imagination as it should be with a short story. You got the breathe of the story without all of the size of a regular novel. This could be an excerpt and I would read the rest, but it can also stand alone. ++++++++Spoilers++++++++++ I would suggest you remove him mentioning the only reason he is at the academy from the beginning chapter so that your chapter where Kosu talks about it has more weight."
A fun read!
"You did a great job establishing a unique setting, introducing the major characters, and getting right into some topnotch action. You caught my attention with Cross's apprehension and the conflict between Terrans and Novans. All of the characters are delightful with distinct personalities, and Kosu is particularly intriguing! My favorite parts are the suspenseful and captivating fight scenes in which you effortlessly depict the action and keep me engrossed in the story. I want to know more about Cross and Kosu and the world they come from and see how Banksy and Makina will grow and develop in the school. And more fights! I definitely recommend for an easy, entertaining read that will draw the reader into a epic world."
Void Walker - Alexander skel
"Nice short read, interesting with good action but I would love to read more and know what happens to them "
Very entertaining.
"My initial first impression is this story and style would be very at home in the plethora of mainstream teen book titles. It almosts seems like Harry Potter in space. Take that however you want haha. It flows well, it's technically very well written and it's competently executed and very entertaining and easy to read. The only negative criticism I have is that it could be seen as very derivative of those same teen titles. There's nothing I can pick out that's very original about the premise or the writing style. Although as I said it could fit in neatly to professional teen writing scene very easily. I could see this sitting on a shelf next to the hunger games or divergent or something like that very happily and I think it could do well. Overall it was an enjoyable read and although I'm not a great lover of sci-fi it was very easy to read."
An Action-packed Adventure
"Sci-Fi is generally not listed among my favorite genres, but I was pleasantly surprised by this; and I would love to read more. The introduction is handled extremely well, and does a fantastic job of introducing not only Cross as a main character, but the underlying conflicts between classes (in the many definitions of the word), before he even sets foot in the heart of campus. Cross himself is refreshing as a protagonist, lacking the typical ego or self-deprecating humor usually found in a hero. The battle scenes contained an even balance of description and action that gave a nice change to the overall pacing of the story. That said, I would love to see this expanded upon. While it works as a short story, there is definitely room to further develop the story and its characters. For example, as a reader I was disappointed we didn't get to watch how Cross spent those four weeks between Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. How many challenges did he receive? How did he select his opponents? How did he prepare for battle? All of this information could have helped to build tension prior to Chapter 3. This addition of time would have also lent itself really well to getting to know your supporting characters Banksy and Makina, especially given their involvement in the final scene."
I want to see more
"First and foremost, I'm hoping that this is going to be developed into a longer book, or at least a series of shorter books. I was a little unsure of the premise at first but, as I got further through the first chapter, I began to enjoy myself. The conflict within the academy, both on the arena and between the classes, the personal stories of the main characters and the landscape of the final battle seemed well tuned and brought the story to life. I particularly enjoyed the main character. I have a love of the anti-hero and this character, whilst not typical, fall into that category; the disinterested way that he moves through the events of the story made him fascinating to follow and (after years of reading the academy story about a character who wants to be the best or win glory for his house etc) was quite refreshing. But, and there is a but I'm afraid, it felt a little rapid for my taste. Whilst I like the idea of them having to fight the moment they arrive, it doesn't give much room for development of the storylines, particularly with such a short chapter following it. I always find that battle scenes are far more interesting to me as a writer than as a reader and, with two large battle scenes taking up a large portion of the story, it did leave me feeling a little distant by the end. That being said, I'm not a massive sic-fy fan, and yet the writer's use of technology and the small amount of explanation that this entailed didn't overwhelm me or lose me at any point, which I always consider to be a good sign. I felt completely lost in the story and completely failed to spot any glaring errors or phrases that jarred me, which speaks wonders to the author's technical writing ability."
Dryger Academy - Review
"This story was pretty great and a 15k word limit is too restrictive because I am craving way more than you have given us! You have effortlessly set up this great sci fi world, establishing the conflict, the bias of the Novans towards the Terrans. I am curious to know where this attitude stems from. Is it a simple sense of snobbery and entitlement or is there a long-lasting history of prejudice that the Terrans are seen as inferior? I am also curious to know where and when Cross has been in a Knav and knows what it feels like to be disconnected from a mecha unlike the Novans he fought against. Or at least, how does he know to fight so well that it prompted Kosu to tell him that he handled himself perhaps too well? Cross is an intriguing character, yet he is also lazy, lacks motivation and pride and I found myself getting angry throughout chapters one and two. Or maybe that's exactly what makes him intriguing? My reaction to him deciding to just stand there and not fight back during the first battle was pretty much "You're kidding right??". Needless to say, he did annoy me a little, although I do kinda appreciate how upfront he is about his reasons and why he has become a student at Dryger Academy. I also love how you have set up Lexi's character, even though she has limited 'screen time' compared to the others. You have still done a good job of establishing her as a nice person and someone who loves battle, but also as some who has a code of honour and does not approve of how Cross was attacked during the first fight. She seems like the character who doesn't really share the same prejudiced views as her peers, trying to be more diplomatic about it. I wonder if she is being set up as an intentional foil to Makina. Whereas Lexi is the open-minded Novan who is also a member of the student council and thus probably also at the top of the food chain, who seems more or less down to earth and a kind person, Makina is from a novan family, prejudiced and bratty, even calling Kosu "Terran filth", yet she is stuck with these people and has to deal with it. Can't say I feel very sorry for her to be honest. But I did find her amusing when she was trying to appear intimidating: "Makina drew herself up to her full height, It wasn't very impressive." This line made me crack up. I see the potential of her becoming some sort of comic relief, since I was also laughing at her? about her? in chapter three, when Cross was bemoaning how annoying her voice was while he was on the verge of unconsciousness. Now Kosu. I love her! She's probably my favourite character in this. There is a lot I want to know about her because she has to be incredibly skilled if she has persisted for so long in a school that's out to make sure she disppears. I love her cheeriness and her team mom quality, seeing the underclassmenn as pups. I was also cheering her on when she struck that deal with the student council. I mean sure it was very manipulative, not to mention she is kind of putting also Makina's future on the line, but she is also making Cross act instead of react. I love this deviousness and I love how it showed us that, even if Cross is a lazy tool. he won't stand by and fail his teammates. I wish we had seen more of Banksy, but I do realize that the word count limit might have, uh, limited you in this matter a little. Speaking of the word count, you still managed to give Cross some decent character development in spite of this. Sure, it was rather subtle since these three chapters are setting up a grander picture and a more thorough plot, but you can still see him finally showing some drive at the end. He is actually feeling proud of their defeat of Victor. Not to mention, he could have easily just taken up Victor's offer for leniency, but he refused to throw his classmates under the bus. Cross might be lazy and lack motivation, but he does not lack integrity. Another thing that you've done remarkably well are the fight scenes. Holy hell. I usually find myself zoning out of fight scenes most of the time and I end up skipping large chunks of them to just read the outcome because isn't this what really matters? But I sucked in every word of your fight scenes because you're so good with building up anticipation and suspense. I was gripping the edges of my seat when I was reading the fight against Victor and for a moment I was actually scared Cross might not make it. I also could follow every move and action very well, another thing that I normally struggle with most fight scenes as I get easily distracted and zone out. It was also pretty cool how they defeated Victor. I must admit I was rolling my eyes when Victor apparently took Makina out so quickly, but I was so happy when she showed off her badass credentials in the end. They did defeat the King with teamwork after all. I would have loved to see Victor's reaction to his defeat. Would he take it with grace? Or just grow more snobbish and resentful? Or really respect Cross and by extension the other Terrans on campus? There were also a few typos/errors I noticed. There weren't many, at least as far as I can tell, but I feel like I should point them out still. In Chapter One in the beginning "... and the feeling only increased as /she/ took a hesitant step..." The /she/ should be /he/ since, you know, it's referring to Cross. And another thing in the same chapter: "He turned back to Kosu. '/How/ do you mean?" which would sound better with, "/What/ do you mean?" There was also this line in Chapter Three: "... and the needles that seemed to pierce /ever/ further into his very being." And while your description of Cross's pain was pretty visceral and vivid, a part of it felt a little wonky with the repetition with how his vision goes black then white and an inky black again "that he fell into". But really, these things are rather minor and I enjoyed reading this story immensely. You have created a great universe that I itch to know more about and genuinely flawed characters that I want to see develop and form strong bonds with each other. I really really hope you're going to expand this story."
