Two Souls

I miss him.

I don’t remember much about the night it happened. The details are blurred. I’ve spent the last few weeks in a daze, unable to process anything. Probably still in shock. And grief. Getting out of bed is hard. Waking up is hard. Sometimes when I open my eyes in the morning, I screw them closed again, hoping against hope that I’ll be able to go back to sleep.

Most of the time, it doesn’t work. Once the grief hits, the ache in my heart sets in, and the tears begin to fall. The burning panic in my belly intensifies, threatening to heave the nothingness in my stomach. It’s a misery I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

My thoughts, when I’m unable to banish them, are filled with him. Trevor. The love of my life. The man I was going to spend the rest of mine with. The man who was taken from me that night. I don’t remember much, but I remember that. I can’t forget the look of pain and regret in his eyes as he lay dying in my arms. That’s the part I want to forget, but grief is cruel that way. Details are forgotten, but that moment will be with me forever.

The only thing that has helped me get through it all has been Sam, Trevor’s best friend. Sam has been a godsend these past few weeks, always there for me, taking care of me as we both go through the grieving process. He’s been so strong, sometimes even physically pulling me out of bed when I feel like I can’t move.

I can feel him growing more frustrated with me, though, as time passes. I don’t mean to do it. I know he’s right when he says I need to live, that I can’t go on like this forever, that I need to start moving on. I just can’t help it when my dreams are full of Trevor. When my heart calls out to him as if we’re still connected. As if he’s still here with me.

Sometimes I swear I can even hear him. Not often, but every once in awhile, usually at night, his voice will ring out briefly in the quiet house. My name, or a soft sob. Sam says he doesn’t hear it, which isn’t surprising. I’ve clearly gone a little crazy.

I’m curled up on the couch when it happens again. It’s getting close to Halloween, and Trevor and I used to watch all the specials together, so that’s what I’m doing now, alone. I probably shouldn’t. All I’m doing is crying. It’s clearly too soon to engage in any activity that we used to do together, but I can’t help myself. It makes me feel closer to him.

I’m halfway through Charlie Brown when his voice rings out, softly but clearly, from his usual spot, right beside me.

“I miss you, Carly.”

I don’t even start anymore when I hear his voice. It just makes the tears come harder. “I miss you, Trevor. I miss you so much. I wish we were watching this together.”

“Me too.”

I gasp and sit up. What the hell? Did he just answer me?!

“Trevor? Trevor, is that you?”

“Carly? What are you doing? What’s going on?”

I jump, and my head snaps towards the doorway. Sam stands there, looking concerned, and when he registers the tears streaming down my face, he shoves something into his pocket and rushes to my side, sitting down next to me and cupping my cheeks.

“What’s wrong?” His thumbs are gentle as he brushes my tears away.

“I—I heard him again—”

He immediately drops his hands and sighs as he sits back. “Carls. We’ve talked about this,” he says, admonition in his voice.

“No, but it was so clear, Sam! He said my name! He—”

Sam rolls his eyes, clearly frustrated. We’ve had this conversation more than once. “That’s what you always hear. You always hear him say your name.”

I reach out and grip onto his hands, gazing into his eyes and pleading with him to listen.

“But Sam, listen to me! He answered me this time! I said I wished we were watching together, and he said, ‘me too’!”

Sam lets go of my hands and drives one of his through his hair, ruining his usually meticulously styled look. I wince. He’s always taken his image very seriously, never a hair out of place, so I must really be frustrating him.

He takes a deep breath, visibly calming himself, then looks at me, patience and affection in his eyes.

“Carly, you hear him because...because that’s what you want to hear. You miss him. Of course you do. We both do.” He pauses, raw anguish crossing his features. He takes another deep breath and then continues. “If I could bring him back to us, I would do it. I can’t imagine never seeing his goofy smile, his annoyingly contagious laugh...”

We both chuckle, soft, half-hearted sounds escaping our lips as we remember that laugh, a sound so absurd, you can’t help but get caught up in it. But then he sobers again, sighing and taking my hands in his once more.

“But he’s not coming back, Carly. He’s gone, and as much as it hurts to accept it, we both know that there’s nothing we can do about it. We have to move on.”

I feel tears prick my eyes at the thought of never seeing my Trevor again, and a sob escapes my mouth. I look at Sam pleadingly. “But what if I can’t?”

“You can. You will. I’ll help you, Carls.” He wraps his arms around me and pulls me in for a hug, and I lean in and hug him back, allowing myself to be comforted, even as I swear I hear a protest from Trevor right behind me.

I sniffle and brush a tear from my eye as I snuggle closer into Trevor’s shoulder. He squeezes my arm and presses a kiss to the top of my head. “I love how emotional you get at the end of Hocus Pocus,” he says with an affectionate chuckle.

“I can’t help it! I’m so happy for Binx getting to move on but so sad for those kids! Losing a pet is so hard.” I look up at him, into the deep dark eyes of the man I love.

He smiles back at me and brushes my blonde hair away from my face. “I love how concerned you are, even for fictional characters.” He leans in to kiss me softly.

I giggle and roll my eyes at him. “You say that every year.”

“Well, it’s true every year.”

I blink open my eyes, and it takes me a long moment to realize I’d been sleeping. Tears prick my eyes again. The dream, the memory, had been so clear. I feel like he’s been ripped away from me all over again.

“Welcome back, sleepyhead. You’ve slept through half of this stupid movie.”

I rub my eyes and then glance over at Sam, sitting next to me on the couch. He’s holding a piece of paper in his hand. A picture? Before I can see what it is, though, he puts it in his pocket and then glances over at me, his expression souring when he sees the tears in my eyes.

“If these movies bring back memories, maybe you shouldn’t watch them.” His voice is flat as he reaches for the remote.

I quickly reach over and place my hand on his, stopping him. “No, don’t!” I noticed the credits starting to roll out of the corner of my eye and sigh. “The end of this movie just gets to me. I feel sad for the kids, losing Binx.”

Sam scoffs, rolling his eyes and glancing at me with an amused smirk. “Sad over fictional characters? Babe, we’ve gotta get you out more.”

I snatch my hand back as if I’ve been burned, stung by his cutting words. I don’t like his tone of voice or the way he called me “babe.” He’s never called me that before. “I happen to like this movie, and I happen to like getting emotionally invested in these fictional characters,” I snap, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning away from him.

His expression immediately softens, and he has the decency to look chagrined. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made fun. I know much you love your Halloween.” He tentatively reaches out to touch my hand, and I reluctantly let him. Sam has always been less in tune with his emotions than Trevor. I guess I can’t really hold that against him.

“Come outside, get some fresh air with me. The trees in the backyard are beautiful. So vibrant, just like you.” He gives me a charming smile that makes me a little uncomfortable.

Still, I suppose he’s right. He knows how much I love the trees in autumn, all the deep reds and bright golds painting the leaves. Setting my discomfort aside, I nod get up and follow him out the back door.

I know I’m dreaming this time. I can tell by the way everything is just a little bit blurry. I can’t seem to look directly at Trevor, though I can feel him next to me as we lay in bed together. I rest my head against his chest and snuggle into him, knowing this won’t last. I’ll take what I can get.

“I can’t wait until we get married,” he says, the way he always used to. Three more months. It was supposed to be a January wedding in Cancun. “You, all dolled up in your summer sundress, hair blowing in the warm breeze. The most beautiful woman in the world.” He kisses the top of my head, rubbing my back slowly.

Tears spring to my eyes; I snuggle closer against him. “I miss you.” My voice is full of emotion.

“I miss you too.” I can hear the thickness in his voice too, for a moment, and then he continues, as if we hadn’t just spoken those words. “Your sister standing next to you, so happy for you.”

“And Sam next to you, supporting his best friend.”

“Sam...?”

At the alarmed tone to his voice, I pull away from him slightly and find him looking back at me, concerned. Suddenly, I can see him clearly, his kind, dark eyes sharp with worry. He takes my face in his hands, his gaze boring into mine.

“You need to stay away from Sam, Carly. Please. Don’t let him near.”

“What?” I start, shocked by his words. This doesn’t make any sense! Sam is his best friend. The one who has been taking care of me! “What do you mean, stay away from him? Why?”

Trevor opens his mouth to speak, but frustratingly begins to fade away. I’m waking up. I struggle to say where I am, not ready to leave the man I love. “Why, Trevor? Why do I have to stay away from—”

My eyes pop open—and I let out a little shriek, jerking myself backward in the bed. Sam is laying next to me, on his side, right in Trevor’s spot, and he’s gazing intently at me. “Sam? What are you doing here?”

“Who do you need to stay away from?” Sam asks. There’s a tone to his voice that I can’t put my finger on, but I don’t like it.

“W—ah—what? What are you talking about?” I stammer, feeling a sudden panic set in, though I’m not sure why. It was just a dream! And this is Sam! Sam, who’s been here for me in the weeks since Trevor’s death. Sam, who would never let anything happen to me. Right?

“You were talking in your sleep, but you cut off as you woke up. Just wondering who you were dreaming about.” Sam’s green eyes seem to glow as he looks at me, so bright in the morning light streaming into the room.

“Oh, I um—I don’t remember. Guess it’s faded now.”

My words sound lame in my ears, but they’re forgotten as something catches my eye—that piece of paper I’ve seen him playing with a few times. He’s bracing it lightly on its corner on the bedspread with his index finger, then spinning it on the diagonal axis with his middle finger. I take a closer look now, just barely making out the image on one side as it spins.

It’s a picture.

A picture of the two of us.

I can’t make out any real details—the paper is rotating too quickly—but those are definitely our faces smiling back at us.

Why does he have a picture of just the two of us?

Come to think of it, I don’t even remember there ever being a picture of just the two of us. Trevor has always been in the middle—and I remember, because he always used to joke about protecting me from his best friend, the player.

Sam abruptly stops and shoves the picture into his pocket the moment he notices my fixated eyes. I look at him, confused. “What are you doing in my bedroom, Sam?”

He flashes me a concerned look and reaches out to touch my arm. I shake him off, something he clearly doesn’t like, based on the momentary souring of his expression. “It’s the day before Halloween, Carls, and it’s almost noon. I just came to check on you. As beautiful as you are when you’re sleeping, I don’t think you should sleep the day away.”

“You don’t get to decide that for me, Sam.” I push myself up into a sitting position, uncomfortable with having him so close, and especially in my bed. I cover myself with my blanket when his eyes go to my cleavage in my little tank top.

“I’m just trying to take care of you, Carls.” His tone is flatter now, irritation leaking in. A glance at him tells me he’s not pleased by the turn of this conversation.

I don’t care. He’s crossed a line. “I didn’t ask for that,” I tell him softly but firmly. “I especially didn’t ask you to be here, in my bed, in Trevor’s spot. You’ve gone way too far, Sam. This is so not appropriate.”

I suddenly feel enveloped in comforting warmth, as if strong arms are wrapped around me from behind, the way Trevor always used to do. It strengthens me, the thought that he’s there.

Sam looks pissed off as he protests. “Oh, come on, Carly, don’t be ridiculous—”

“No,” I cut him off firmly. I feel Trevor’s arms tighten around me, supporting me. “I’m drawing a line. The bedroom is off-limits from now on, Sam. And if you can’t accept that, then you won’t be welcome here at all. Now please leave my room.”

Sam stares at me for a long moment, as if he’s waiting for me to tell him I’m only joking but gets off the bed angrily when I do nothing of the sort. He storms toward the door and then turns back to me, giving me a scathing look. “You know what, Carly? You can go fuck yourself. You’re nothing but an ungrateful little bitch.” He slams the door shut behind him, leaving me in my bed, trembling with adrenaline and anxiety from the altercation.

“I’m so proud of you, Carly Bear.” I feel the whisper against my ear more than I hear it, and I sigh, letting myself relax.

“Thank you for being here with me, Trevor. I’ve never needed you more.” I move to lay down on my side, and I feel him move with me, a ghostly spoon pressed against my back.

“You’re so much stronger than you think, Carly. To do what you did...” His faint voice trails off, his words confusing me.

“What I did...?” Telling Sam off like that wasn’t that big a deal, even if doing it had made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack.

“Please stay away from Sam, baby. I’m not sure what he could do you, considering...but I don’t want to find out.” I feel his lips at the back of my neck, and I sigh, letting all of my tension go. I close my eyes, knowing that this isn’t going to help me let go of Trevor but not caring in the slightest. I don’t remember how he was taken from me, but right now, he’s right here, holding me in his ghostly arms, and that’s more than enough for me.