Blue Nights

What is the meaning of all this? Why do the laws governing nature have to be so complex? Why is the language of nature so difficult for an average human mind to comprehend, yet it is the product of the same human mind? Why did I choose physics as my career? All those people and happiness I sacrificed were worth this journey? Will I ever give a breakthrough in science? Will I etch my name in the history of science? Is my mind capable of it? No…NO! I shouldn’t doubt myself. Remember, remember that quote… How does it go? Yes, it’s not a royal road to the peak of science; it’s a steep one with lots of thorns. Only those who endure it will reach its beautiful peak. How do I know it’s beautiful? I’ve never reached it. THAT’S IT! Time to go for a walk.

These thoughts were regular at night for John for the past few months, and the intensity only increased every day. He closed the research paper in front of him, put on his hoodie, and left the house. Winds of winter grazed him as he walked to the bridge across the river Kaveri. His previous ideas were partially repressed as his eyes provided the brain with gloomy pictures of dimly lit streets to process. He reached the highway road, and it got even darker, but the frequent passing of vehicles kept the road illuminated. The bridge was visible to him, and as he got closer, he noticed something on the side of the road just at the start of the bridge. As he got closer, he could see that it was a woman wearing a blue saree barely contrasting the dark night, her hands hanging down in front of her and one of her hands clenching the other while the other holding a purse.

John checked the time on his phone; it was 10 pm. He walked past her with his head down, resisting the urge to look at her, but he felt that she was looking at him. A prostitute, he thought. Succeeding in avoiding eye contact with her, he entered the bridge. The breeze grew stronger, carrying with it a musty smell from the river. At this time of year, the river did not flow all the way across the bridge, so he paused just above the river's flow, which he could see was just fifty to a hundred meters wide. He gazed at the water flowing towards him from the horizon, flanked by trees pretending to be black. For a few minutes, he experienced the natural world without the language he typically used to comprehend it.

Maybe the laws of nature are not communicated in mathematics; rather, we can only understand them through mathematics.

After a few minutes, his fog of thoughts cleared, and his eyes saw river and darkness. While his heart, loneliness.

John walked back to his home. He saw the same girl leaning on the road barrier fence, head held down. He looked at the time on his phone, 10:30 pm. He wondered why no one had picked her up yet. As he got nearer, he again restrained himself from looking at her, specifically avoiding eye contact. Closest to her now again, he was sure she was raising her head to look at him. For a second, his mind failed him, and he too raised his head and looked at her—no, made eye contact with her. Her eyes, matching her hair, were darker than the night itself, gazing back at him. Those eyes were not seducing him, and for a moment it seemed like it conveyed melancholy, but it was not that either; that second felt longer than a second.

John hurried with the image of her eyes imprinted behind his. He felt a plea in those eyes, a call to look back, or maybe he just imagined it. He was intrigued by her, and his inquisitive mind brought him to a slow stop. He strolled back to her after a little while of staring at the dark tar road below. He stood in front of her; as he did, she stood upright, glancing at his face for an instant and looking down the next.

‘What are you doing here?’ asked John.

‘Twenty five thousand rupees for a night,’ she said.

John felt a string being pulled in his heart. She seemed shy for a prostitute. He also noticed that she was shivering, and he too felt it.

‘It’s cold and dark out here. Let’s go to my place, only a few paces from here.’

Both of them walked silently. It was John's first time walking alone at night with a girl. She appeared more at ease with the silence, but he felt uncomfortable in it.

‘What is your name?’ asked John, breaking the silence.

She didn’t raise her head to look at him, wondering why someone would want to know the name of the girl whom they are just going to sleep with.

‘It’s alright if you don’t want to say your name; I understand,’ said John.

I am probably making her feel uncomfortable. I don’t know what got into me. What the hell was I thinking, taking a prostitute with me to my home? But I think she’s inexperienced. Who am I to judge? It is a first time for me too; probably this is how all of them are. I have no idea.

John did not know what to do next, as his intentions were definitely not sexual. He just wanted to end this awkwardness, and his efforts in doing so only made it more awkward. After a few minutes, they both arrived at John’s house.

‘Please wait here. I’ll be back in a minute,’ said John, and he went inside his house.

He came back and started his bike and asked her to get on.

‘I thought you said we would stay in your place,’ she said with a bit of a stutter.

‘Uh…actually I have some work tonight. I’m sorry; I should have thought this through before I asked you to come. It’s really stupid of me; I’m sorry I wasted your time. I’ll drop you off at your place.

She stared at him for a few seconds; that’s when John realized how young she looked under the bright white light in front of his house.

This is no age for her to be a prostitute. WHAT!?? No one of any age should work as a prostitute; it just feels wrong to earn in that way. Well, how does it differ from any other profession? I am selling my brain and she, her body. The only difference is the majority consider her profession to be something to be ashamed of and mine a dignified one. But her profession is not a choice to many in that line of profession; rather, they were forced to…

Seeing her walk away broke John’s train of thought.

‘Hey, wait…’

He started his bike and stopped in front of her.

‘Where are you going? It’s late already. I’ll drop you.

‘There is no need. I am going to look for customers. I need the money. And it’s not late; this is the working time for me,’ she said and started walking.

Well, she can talk…

John felt a strong desire to prevent her from returning to that location. He immediately came up with a plan to stop her—likely the only one. He again rode his bike and stopped in front of her.

‘You know what, as an apology for wasting your time, I’ll pay you the amount. How much was it…twenty thousand, right? I’ll pay it and drop you at your home. Is that fine?’

The girl didn’t know what to say. She thought it was a win for her and took advantage of it. She climbed on his bike without saying a word.

On the way to her house, John made a stop at an ATM and took out the money. They arrived at her house, which was only a few kilometers away from his. She took the money from him after getting off the bike. They both were the only people on the street.

John resolved that he would never try anything like this ever again. That’s when he looked at her for a second, and before she turned to go to her house, she, too, looked at him for a second. It was only the third time she looked at him from the time they met. Whenever their eyes met, he felt something that he couldn’t comprehend clearly, but in that moment his heart was at peace, and every sprinting thought came to a halt, and then there was this deep sense of satisfaction that he couldn’t remember the last time he felt.

The next day it was the usual routine for John. Waking up, going to the institute, returning home, reading some research papers, and sleeping. But this night he couldn’t. Something constantly rolled inside his head, which made it harder for him to sleep. He knew what it was, but he didn’t want to accept it, for he thought that it was something foolish.

It can’t be…. It can’t be…. I’m not that weak to let my mind be occupied by some girl I barely know. But it’s not every time this happens to me. She seemed different. Well, it’s over now; not going to see her ever again. No, what if she is standing there today too, looking for some guys? WHAT IF SOMEONE ELSE PICKS HER UP!??

That thought was enough to wake John up completely. He sprang up as if he’d woken up from a nightmare. He looked at his watch. 10:05 pm. He got out of his bed.

It’s highly unlikely that she is standing there today, too. I don’t know that. Okay, I’ll go there, and if she is standing there, then this is meant to go somewhere, or else I’ll forget her once and for all.

After having that thought, John got on his bike and went to the same location as the day before, but as he got closer to the bridge, his heart began to race more quickly. He didn’t know why he felt nervous, or maybe he knew but didn’t want to confess it to himself. As he approached the same spot, he still couldn’t see clearly. Then, as he got closer, he saw a faint blue-colored figure under the dim streetlight. His heart slowed down, solidifying the unconfessed reason.

There she was, wearing a similar blue color saree as yesterday. John slowly stopped his bike in front of her and gave her a hesitant smile. At first, she didn’t recognize him and looked away; then she turned quickly and took a good look at his face; her eyes grew wider.

For a moment, John felt like he was being sucked into her eyes as if it were a black hole. Then, her eyes settled back to its bleak state as if it had assumed something, freeing John from its hold.

‘Shall we go?’ asked John.

No reply.

‘I’ll pay you. You need the money, right?’

She stared at him. John felt bad after saying that, but he was desperate to take her away from that place.

‘Okay then… I’m— Before John could finish, she got on his bike. He didn’t expect she’d come, but he was glad she did. He didn’t know where to take her, and she didn’t care where she was going as long as she was getting paid.

Her silence and lack of showing any emotion bothered John very much. It was clear to him that she was doing this against her will, without any choice. She desperately needed the money. He wondered what pushed her to do this.

The mystery revolving around her only made John more curious. That’s when John got the idea of taking her to a restaurant.

Perfect. Maybe she will open up if I take her to a more personal place, like a restaurant.

After a few minutes, John stopped at a fancy restaurant to which he’d never been.

‘Are we booking a room in this restaurant?’ She asked while getting down from the bike.

‘We are going to eat here. Are you hungry?’ said John.

‘No’

‘Well, I am. Let’s go.’

They both were greeted by a receptionist in a tuxedo who showed them the way to a two-person table. The yellow lights made her bright blue saree even brighter, turning a few heads in the place. While John in his track pants and hoodie, which he’d worn nearly a week without washing, made him look odd compared to others in the restaurant. But John couldn’t care less.

They both sat down. John asked her what she wanted, and she replied that she’d have whatever he’d have.

A minute passed. The sound of metal on plates grew louder, and John didn’t like it.

‘I’m John.’

She stared at him.

‘Since we have some time… we can at least share our names,’ said John.

‘Are you paying me to be a girlfriend to you?’

‘Well, it looks like that. But it’s still better than sleeping with a stranger, right?’

‘What makes you think that this is better than that?’

‘Because… you don’t like that?’

‘Did I tell you that I didn’t like that and considered this better? For me, there is no difference,’ she said in a rather calm tone.

John for a moment regretted trying to start a conversation with her. He realized that he needed to clear something up. He let out a breathy sigh.

‘Let me be honest with you. My intentions from the beginning were definitely not sexual; in fact, I don’t even know why I came to you yesterday. Maybe I was feeling lonely, but I had always felt lonely even when I was around people. But when I saw you yesterday, I felt something I had never felt around any girl before.

‘Look, I don’t want to label that feeling as anything; I just did what I felt like doing at that moment.’

She looked captivated at a dish ordered by a guy at the nearby table, and John also noticed that.

Shit. What am I blabbering? This is getting awkward now. Wow, that dish looks good.

She turned towards John once he stopped talking.

‘Ok, why are you wearing blue every day?’ asked John.

Again, she got distracted by a family with two small kids playing around the table. As John almost gave up expecting a reply from her.

‘This is the brightest color. I can be easily spotted from a distance, essential for my work,’ she said, still looking at the kids.

John smiled.

‘Actually, no,’ said John. She turned back to him in surprise.

‘Red is the brightest color, and blue is exactly the opposite.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘Red has the longest wavelength in the visible spectrum. That’s why it is the brightest.’

‘What is wavelength?’

John took a tissue paper and started drawing a wave, and by the time their order arrived, he explained everything there is to know about the electromagnetic spectrum.

‘So, that’s why the traffic lights are red, to be visible for vehicles from afar,’ she said.

‘Nice. Now, you really understood,’ said John, smiling, and he could see a bit of curiosity and a flicker of a smile on her face. First signs of some emotion, he thought.

‘If you want to attract customers, you will have to wear a bright red saree next time,’ said John, smiling, which made her laugh a bit. The first time John saw her laughing, and for the first time she laughed in many days.

‘Let’s eat before the food gets cold,’ said John. She ate so vigorously as if she hadn’t eaten anything for days. While John called the waiter and ordered something, she did not notice.

John wanted to keep talking, but he didn’t want to disturb her as she was too engaged with her food.

They both finished their food in silence. And by the time they finished, John’s secret order came. She looked at the order; it was the same food she was captivated by a few minutes ago, and it was now in front of her.

‘I noticed you were looking at this food. So, I ordered one for you. Enjoy,’ said John, smiling. She didn’t utter a word, looked into John’s eyes for a few seconds, stood up, and stormed off the place.

John told the waiter to pack that food, paid the bill, and rushed outside. He was relieved when he saw her standing near his bike, and he went to her.

‘Why are you doing this?’ she asked.

John shrugged.

‘Why are you being nice to me?’

‘Nice? I thought you said there is no difference. What makes you think I’m being nice to you suddenly?’

‘That is until you ordered that food I liked.’

‘I just felt like doing it. I always do what I feel like doing in that moment. Anyways, what is it to you? It is just another way of me paying you for the night, right?’

But John was actually being nice to her, and she knew it. She looked away as if trying to hide something.

‘Is it over? Shall we go?’ she asked.

‘Y-yes.’

They both were silent. John stopped by an ATM; he withdrew one lakh rupees, the last of the whole amount he’d been saving for the last year.

This is madness. Why am I even doing this? I guess I like her. I can’t conceal that from myself anymore. I can’t pay her after tomorrow.

They reached her house. She got off the bike. John gave her the money.

‘This is fifty thousand rupees, for tomorrow also. I’ll pick you up from your home’, said John. John didn’t want to confess anything now as he was afraid that she might not come tomorrow.

John noticed that her eyes were glistening like glass. It took a second for him to realize.

What? Are there tears in her eyes?

She grabbed the money from John’s hands, turned around, and started walking to her home.

John suddenly remembered something.

‘Hey, you forgot the food,’ said John, rushing toward. She turned around and held out her hand; he gave the food to her. That’s when he noticed that her eyes were reddish. She turned and resumed walking toward her home and stopped by the door.

‘Don’t come to my home tomorrow. Pick me up from the same place', she said, went inside her home, and closed the door behind her.

John couldn’t sleep that night, wondering why she cried. He thought probably he was imagining things. Tomorrow, he decided that he’d tell her how he feels, one more reason for his sleeplessness.

The next day went on as usual for John, but as the day went by, he got more and more confident and excited. Finally, the night came.

John left his bike at home and walked, planning in his mind that he’d take her for a walk on the bridge. He was surprised that he was not feeling nervous at all; he just felt happy at the thought of seeing her.

He got closer to the place; usually from this distance her figure would be visible, but today it was not. He thought she was standing a little farther maybe, and he walked closer, his eyes trying to spot her.

It can’t be. She said that she’d be here…

She was not there.

John stood in the same place where he stood when he talked to her for the first time, but now alone. It took a few seconds for him to grasp the situation. A faint breeze blew; that’s when John noticed something oscillating from the road fence. He severed the thread with which it was hanging. It was a letter.

John unfolded it, and it read—

‘Hello, John. You won’t find me there or anywhere else in that city, as I’m leaving the city. I know you have a lot of questions, but let me just answer a few significant ones. I was in debt, and I had to make quick money to settle that; it was a life-or-death situation for me. That’s why I decided to sell myself, as I figured that was the quickest way to make money. So, no, prostitution is not my livelihood, and you were my first and last customer.

From the moment I saw you, I knew your intentions were not sexual. And yesterday you almost confessed that you have feelings for me. This is not the right time for me, and I don’t know if there ever will be. I don’t have a life. But you saved me. With the money you gave, I paid off my debts, and I’m going to start a new life. I’m sure you won’t feel like I’ve used you for your money and left, for you did it out of kindness.

I want to get stable in life emotionally and financially. I have plans to do that, and in two years or so, I will be. I want to repay your money, but I don’t know when I’ll get the courage to face you again. But if you ever want the money back from this ex-prostitute, then keep looking for her on that bridge occasionally. She will be wearing a bright red saree. But this time only to attract you. And her name is Neela.’

John folded the paper and shoved it in his pocket. He started walking on the bridge.

The position and momentum of an electron can’t be determined simultaneously. The uncertainty principle. The principle that enables us to understand the subatomic world only probabilistically. It says that electrons behave only that way. No, what if we simply don’t have the means to understand how they truly behave…

John felt like he had transformed into a different person now, for his mind started rushing with physics concepts like shutters of an overfilled dam had opened. Then he got familiar with these thoughts as he realized this was his usual self.

He turned back to see the place where she used to stand. He turned towards the dark river of the night, which reminded him of her long dark hair.

Love and presence can’t be in a same place simultaneously.