Spark and Static

“It was constant—these two men appeared in my dreams every night. It felt like the three of us shared something deep and undeniable. I had formed an emotional attachment to both, yet my love for one of them felt different from the other. They were mine, and I was theirs.”

Have you ever felt like you’re just constantly overshadowed by every girl in the room? Like you’re not pretty enough or likable enough, always the last to be considered? And then the people you’re into of course, they only go for the ones who are admired by absolutely everyone are always completely out of your league? And just when someone dares to show an interest in you, you can’t bring yourself to like them back? The type of guy I go for? Oh, it’s always the one who manages to stand out in every room, obviously. But by the time he notices me (if he ever does), it’s always the “perfect” girl who catches his attention first. How charming. Yeah, my insecurities tend to get the best of me. My mom used to assure me I was pretty, but deep down I knew clearly, I always feel like I’m just never going to be as pretty as anyone else. This was always my dilemma until, I hit this point in my life where I started working and living on my own.

By the way, my best friends, Mona, Jane, and I, all deal with the same sentiment. To make life a little more fun since we can’t get the boys we want, we tried partying a couple of times. Let’s just say it didn’t go as planned. The last time we went out, Mona slipped and hit her head in the bathroom and threw up on a table, and Jane thought it’d be funny to steal candy from a convenience store. Long story short, we’re terrible drinkers, so we stopped doing it.

Our life’s been pretty ordinary, honestly. Wake up, go to work, come home, and repeat. Saturdays are for volunteering at the Old Town Soup Kitchen something my parents always said would change my life, though I’m not sure about that yet. Sundays are for staying home with my moms. I usually end up dragging myself along to their book club meetings, even though it’s definitely not something people my age would typically show up to.

This is the first time me and my girls left home stepping out of the comfort zone of living with our parents, on my case, with my foster moms. Yep, moms, two of them. It wasn’t until later that my dad realized he wanted to be my mom too not just by name, but in his heart. And now, here we are, renting our own apartment. Honestly, it’s not what we wanted, but my parents and my best friend’s parents kind of kicked us out. So, here we are.

Together, we made the bold decision to travel 600 miles from Stevensville, where our parents live, to Frankenmuth “Little Bavaria,” as they call it. We wanted to prove that they wouldn’t last living without us, and maybe, just maybe, that we had chosen the right city to make our mark. So, we applied to St. Crimson Winery, a famous winery in Frankenmuth that my dad and now my mom loved visiting, and we got hired. Now, after over three years, it still feels like we’re in school hanging out and having lunch together every day.

Before my best friends and I moved out, one thing our parents always told us was that they hoped we would grow up, become versions of ourselves we’d be proud of, and make as many mistakes as we could along the way. I didn’t pay much attention to that until now. Then lately, since moving out, I feel like I’m just floating through life, not really living it. I’ve been stuck in this routine for so long that I’ve started to wonder if I’m missing something. Maybe I needed more validation something to make me feel like I mattered beyond just being the average girl in the room, as I’ve always felt. Maybe this is a midlife crisis? Or maybe I just want a man by my side. Or maybe it’s the realization that I’ve been chasing all the wrong things for way too long.

After work, I decided to walk home. It’s only now that I saw this park, so I sat to look around and appreciate the surrounding. It’s been a while since I went to a park with my best friends. I just left them at the office because I felt like I wanted to be alone. Then there was a couple in front of me when I accidentally looked the guy eye to eye and he glanced back like I was interested in him. I glanced with an icky expression, then stood up to go my way. I know he followed his eyes as I walked away. I shook my head in disbelief. How come these are the type of guys who gets attracted to me? Good thing it’s Friday. I can finally drink my pink Moscato, eat the cheesecake I baked last week and have an online movie binge watch with my best friends.

Another day, another slay, at least that’s what TikTok and Facebook post said. Today is Saturday, which means it’s volunteer day. One of the things I’m really grateful to my moms for is encouraging me to get involved with this organization. At Old Town Soup Kitchen, we serve hot meals to those in need, including homeless individuals and young people who’ve left home, and we also invite them to join the Bible study sessions.

So I’m serving up hot meals, trying to keep it together, when this guy steps up to the counter. He looks at me all confused, like I’m some kind of puzzle he’s trying to figure out. He’s got this Rasta headband on totally different style, but somehow it works because his light brown hair falls just right. And those blue eyes? Seriously, they’re mesmerizing. He’s got a decent build nothing too muscular, but just enough that he pulls off summer clothes way better than most guys. Then he opens his mouth, and I swear he’s trying to sound cool but not get judged for eating a free meal. “Why is it always soup and canned veggies? I thought this place was supposed to be about healthy meals,” he says.

I can’t help myself. “Well, technically, it’s still healthy because it’s a vegetable, and it’s free, so… there’s that.” I try to sound sarcastic, but honestly, I’m holding back from just staring at him like an idiot.

He smirks, not even bothered. “Okay, I’ll take your word for it. But hey, I’ll still eat it. Do you volunteer here often? I could use a reason to see beautiful faces more often.” He gives me this look, like he’s about to dig in, but I’m not about to fall for it. Except, damn, he’s so good-looking. I can literally feel my face heating up, and every part of me just kind of crumbled in slow motion. Honestly, I think my brain short-circuited for about ten seconds. I’ve never been the girl who gets noticed… first! hell no! not even by the lunch lady and here I am, acting like a total mess in front of this guy.

I just remembered back in middle school, this transfer student came in from a public school nearby. He became everyone’s crush, everyone's', including one of my best friends. And if this transferee guy even suspected she liked him, he’d probably have a crush on her, too. That was just how it worked with her. If she wanted someone, it was like some weird magnetism, and suddenly, everyone else did too. I was just always in the corner, wishing I could be as beautiful as her.

I’m actually not friends with her anymore, not that it’s her fault being so pretty and attractive. I just started ignoring her because I was always jealous of her. She stood out among us with her small face, thick, unruly eyebrows, and angelic face. Then, one day during a school event, though I can’t recall what we were celebrating, this best friend I am talking about was being teased by a group that included that transferee guy, and they were being shipped together. It kind of hurt me as if I like this transferee guy. And yet I wanted this guy to like me instead of my best friend. And I was right, the moment the guy knew my ex-best friend liked her, they started liking each other.

Waking myself up from reminiscing those moments, I can see in my peripheral view that someone is looking at me and I was right! This guy was looking at me. The way he looked at me seemed like he wanted to talk to me. I can’t help but feel my cheeks are turning red. Am I really pretty today? Or is he just messing around because, by the look of it, he looks nice! his hair laid down, blue eyes, I like his style. Oh could this be the curse breaker of my life? Will my life finally have meaning or purpose? Will I be growing up now?

I tried to avoid looking at him, but our eyes locked once again. My heart raced. I knew it was just admiration for his looks. I headed to the kitchen to calm the whirlwind of emotions inside me. When I returned to the pantry, he was back in line.

“Can I have more?′ I wasn’t sure if it was the food he was talking about or the lingering eye contact that he wanted more. Just kidding.

“Absolutely! Here you go.” As I handed him the soup, I felt him try to slip something into my hand. I assumed it was money, so I quickly said, ‘Oh no, it’s free.’

“Don’t peek while I’m here,” he winked before leaving the premises. Oh, no I’m fucked! I asked my co-volunteer to cover for me at the food pantry line so I could sneak a peek at the note he gave me. I dashed outside to check it, and to my shock, it said, ‘Your zipper’s open!’ I’ve never felt so embarrassed in my life. Talk about a wardrobe malfunction! I looked around to see if he was hiding somewhere laughing but I didn’t see him. Will I be seeing this guy again.