Chapter One
The lotus is a symbol of rebirth and enlightenment. This flower is the perfect analogy for the human condition because even when its roots are in the dirtiest waters, from the mud, something beautiful blooms.
The frigid wind bit through his thick coat, causing Kairi to shiver as he stepped from the train. He hadn’t been back home for long and despite the gnawing anxiety that prickled in the back of his mind and fanned out into his tense shoulders, he was glad to be back. As he stepped onto the platform, he readjusted his bags of groceries, grateful that he had chosen an apartment close to the station, and that this station was one stop away from his favorite grocery store. He learned to cook and found he really enjoyed crafting different dishes. He kept his head down as he made the short walk to his apartment. The rustling of plastic bags kept his mind focused on anything other than the thoughts that tried to hold his attention. Counting his footsteps kept him occupied.
28,29,30. Only 30 more to go.
Sometimes he walked faster, blending in with the pace of the crowd. Some days he moved slowly, savoring the familiar scents of home and longing to see just one old friend. But how could he? No one would want to see him. Not after what he did. Not after he left them to pick up the pieces alone.
53,54,55.
His complex came into view, his footsteps quickening. Using his left hip, Kairi pushed open the large doors that led into the foyer and debated on taking the stairs or the elevator. The elevator would afford him some quiet time with his thoughts—thoughts he needed to process—but the stairs? He could count those and pretend that everything made sense because they ended on an even number and when things were even, he breathed a little easier. He decided to climb the stairs, relishing in the slight burn in his thighs once he reached the third-floor landing. He shifted all the plastic bags to one hand, reaching into his coat pocket for his housekeys, his fingers brushing against the envelope and small toy he always carried. He turned the corner, feeling the slightest bit of hope that, maybe, just maybe, things would be okay.
Kairi picked up the scent almost immediately. The fragrance always made him feel as if he were seconds away from falling asleep or like he was tucked in his nest with the small doll he cuddled at night, singing lullabies when things became too hard to deal with. Lavender smacked him in the face, causing his feet to still and his hand to open in shock. The groceries fell to the floor, a yellow onion rolling forward.
A tiny hand with dimples where the knuckles would later be, gripped the onion, and held it up with both hands, looking up at the man. “Da?”
How old is she now? I-I know this. She’s my-my…
The man knelt in front of the baby that looked too much like him and brushed the hair out of her eyes. He kissed the baby’s forehead and cheerfully responded, “Thank you, Blossom.” She giggled and made grabby hands while demanding, “up, up, up!” and he obliged, scooping her up in his arms and nuzzling the top of her head.
Without looking at Kairi, Gabriel asked, “How long are you just going to stand there without saying anything, Kairi?”
He exhaled a shaky breath and softly replied, “Ho-how did you…?”
Gabriel sighed and pushed a tendril of light brown hair behind his ear. “You weren’t exactly careful. Dox saw you boarding the train multiple times. Then Brey saw you at the store. They put two and two together and here we are.”
Since when did he call them by their nicknames?
“Oh.”
“I thought you’d want to see her. Since the last time you did, she was—,” Gabriel paused, hurt clouding his sleep deprived, brown eyes and he blinked it away quickly, changing the subject. “We’ll leave. Sorry to have bothered you.”
Gabriel sidestepped around him and for the first time in a year, Kairi got a good look at his baby. She had wild, curly hair, like Gabriel’s, but the same deep black as his. Big brown eyes with golden flecks, just like Gabriel’s, complement her light brown complexion. Kairi’s baby girl had the most perfect round face with dimples on the corner of her chin. She clung to Gabriel, burying her nose in his scent gland and when she lifted her little face to yawn, he counted eight teeth.
“Can-can I…” he reached for her, wanting to cradle her against his body and smell her again. At birth, she smelled very faintly of them both: citrus and lavender. He’s wondered for over a year if her scent has changed, who she’ll end up looking like, and whose personality traits she’d have. Gabriel stilled and Kairi caught the bitterness of resentment, the lavender scent burning his nose with each inhale. He dropped his hand and apologized under his breath, bending down to pick up his discarded groceries. Tears burned his lower lash line, blurring his vision and turning the pristine foyer into a distorted watery image. Kairi quickly swiped at his eyes when he heard the tip tap of little feet moving towards him. This would more than likely be the last time he saw her, and he wanted to see her clearly. She held out the onion and Kairi reached for it, hand trembling and voice cracking. “Thank you sweetie.”
God, she looks so much like him.
She looked up at Kairi and smiled. “Denchu!”
“No, no Blossom, you’re supposed to say, ‘you’re welcome!’ Remember? Uncle Dox taught you this already. You’re…” Gabriel trailed off looking at the baby who blinked at him. He tried again, “You’re…”
“Denchu!” She clapped her hands together and flashed a drooly grin up at Gabriel who chuckled before replying,
“Thank you, baby.”
Kairi fought tears, his voice trembling as he asked, “I-I have something for her if that’s okay?”
Gabriel checked his watch and nodded, “Yeah. My shift doesn’t start for another hour and Dox and Brey don’t live too far from here.”
Kairi stood and tried to insert his key into the lock, but his hand shook with nervousness. The key slipped several times before Gabriel sighed and pulled it from his grip, shoving it into the lock. “Thank you,” Kairi mumbled.
He shrugged out of his coat and dropped the groceries in the kitchen. Gabriel held their daughter on his hip, standing awkwardly by the front door. “You can come in and sit for a—,”
Gabriel interrupted, “I don’t have the time nor energy to do this today, Kairi. Give me the gift and we’ll be on our way.”
Kairi nodded jerkily. “Yeah, sure.” He dug in his coat pocket and pulled out a small teddy bear. He was going to leave the letter, but on second thought, he grabbed the envelope and pushed it into Gabriel’s chest.
“What is this?” Gabriel warily eyed the envelope.
“Please,” Kairi hung his head, staring at his feet. “Read it before you throw it away, okay? I-I tried to mail it to you so many times over the year but…”
Gabriel acquiesced, grunting, “Fine.”
“Thank you.”
“What do you say when someone gives you something, hmm?” Gabriel tickled the baby and her laughter, despite being the sweetest sound in the world, made Kairi’s heart break.
“Welcome!”
Gabriel slapped a hand to his forehead and shook his head. “At least you’re polite.”
“Can I hold her? Please?” Kairi asked softly.
Gabriel looked at him for the first time in their short interaction. “Why should you get to hold her now?” Hurt sharpened his tone as he struggled, and failed, to contain the wounded scent that seeped forward.
“You brought her here. I just thought…”
“I can’t trust you.” Gabriel took a step back, his hold instinctively tightening around Blossom.
“I’m not asking you to. I’m asking you if I could hold my daughter for the first time in—,” Kairi hedged, swallowing thickly. Emotion clogged his throat as he faltered to admit the truth, the shame warming his brown skin and staining his cheeks red.
“Say it. For the first time in how long, Kairi?” Gabriel’s voice was soft, but his tone hardened.
Kairi lowered his chin, his feet blurring. “For the first time in a year.”
“She’s 14 months. That means you left when she was how old?”
“Do we have to do this? In front of her?”
“You left when she was how old?” Resentment clogged the small entrance, choking Kairi. Blossom’s nose crinkled and she buried her face in Gabriel’s shoulder. His scent changed to one that was milder, calming, and he soothed their baby, rubbing her back and humming softly. “My shift starts soon. I’ll see you later.”
Kairi watched as Gabriel pulled open the door. Blossom lifted her head and curled her fingers closed, waving goodbye. “B! B!”
As the door swung shut, Kairi heard Gabriel praise her, “Good job, my little flower bud! Can’t wait to tell your uncles that you’re two letters away from saying a new word!”
Kairi clutched at his chest, gasping for air as sobs wracked his body.
Nest. Need my nest.
He barely made it to his room before he broke completely, loud cries echoing around him as he crawled into the space. He burrowed under the mountain of blankets and pillows, pushing aside the poor imitation of a baby, and curled up in a ball. He just wanted to hold his little girl. He longed to feel her weight in his arms and her warmth against his skin. Instead, he buried his face in a pillow and cried harder than he had in months.
