Tomato Paladin

Fucking tomato.I generally fucking hate tomatoes. Even as a kid I almost choked on one. The taste is disgusting. If I had to pick a single fruit or vegetable—after all, a tomato is both, non-binary and all—that son of Satan would be the first thing I’d wipe off the face of the earth. And you know how I said goodbye to the world?

Yep. Tomato. You guessed it.

But let’s start from the very beginning. Like every other day, I was procrastinating before venturing out into the world. Not that I have some kind of special aversion, but Until Dawn doesn’t play itself. The game was awesome, so the movie’s gotta be…

— Theren!!! screamed a woman’s voice, as though Hercules, Hephaestus, or some Horus had descended from the heavens. Like Bruce Banner shattering the fourth wall and telling me to get my ass off the couch.— Mom, it’s Saturday!— Get downstairs! Domestic totalitarianism sometimes forces us to do things we absolutely detest. And not only is my final exam on Monday, I’m also being tortured on my day off. What kind of monster comes up with this shit?

Ehhh— I sighed and went downstairs.

— Your uncle and aunt are dropping by this afternoon. You could use a little exercise, the voice continued, and handed me a massive shopping list: salt, sugar, oregano, mustard, a round tomato (seriously?), frozen puff pastry. And a ten-zloty bribe for chips.

Thus began my harrowing quest. Seven hundred meters on foot. Can’t drive? It’s drizzling a bit, but I’m not made of sugar.

I push open the doors of Eleven. The floor is as slippery as an ice rink. You’ve gotta watch your step.

I walk through the entrance…

— Watch out! shouted a bald guy in a black shirt as he barreled past me.

SPLAT! I got walloped in the face by a red, slimy projectile, gleaming with hatred oozing from its pulp… right in my face.

Suddenly, time slowed to a crawl. I saw the cashier in front of me clutch her own face in alarm.

Blackness. Tomato. Fucking tomato.

— Tomato Paladin 0.1% (Hidden Class) Unlocked.