Chapter 1.
I AM IN LOVE WITH THIS DARKNESS
Sometimes, what you just want is to disappear– you don't want to die– because you know that it won't work–nor can it help–but disappear– like you never exist is what you won't–I also want to run, disappear, and jump away from this world..but how far I go–I know that much closer they will come to me, not the people but the thoughts. The thoughts I want to flush out always come back in my Fucking mind– but because I am not the only a girl or maybe a person who is suffering–I let them–I let those thoughts eat me from inside.
Right now I am running, because again I got an anxiety attack. Now I am running to the bar. I don't know when I became an alcoholic addict but what I know is I like myself this way only. This makes me happy, at least I become happy for a while. No matter it's a temporary happiness, until I feel my stress flush out.
"Huh!" I sighed as I started to walk slowly and shifted my gaze here and there.. even though it's 11pm at night the streets are crowded, and cars are horning. Uh! I hate this much noise, but what you can expect from the busy streets of New York, but I don't like when I have to pretend I am very busy, acting like I am scrolling through my phone holding a cup of Starbucks, but at least this is better than the life I had in New Jersey.
I was thinking when suddenly someone bumped with me making me come out of my thoughts, as I fell down on the ground. I shifted my gaze from my handbag that was already on the street floor to the person who bumped with me. "I am sorry for this inconvenience", the guy said as he gave me his hand to stand up, I rolled my eyes and jerked his hand off. "No need". I replied standing up from the floor as the guy handed me my handbag, and he again started to say sorry. "I am really sorry Ms. I was just looking up at the sky.""
It's ok, I should have looked at you, it's my mistake too, but next time please look in front because who knows next time there would be any old man or lady or any kid to bump with you." I replied to the guy. He smiled at me and said,"I will Ms. by the way it's my card." He said forwarding a visiting card to me, I smiled and took it and gazed at him, "Thank you, uh wait here's my card."
I said taking out a white colour visiting card from my handbag and handing him, he looked at the card and said my name, for the first time I felt goosebumps listening to my own name, the way he said it was just perfect. "Ms. Margaret Roberts..nice name just like you." "Thankyou Mr. Albert James." I said looking at the card he gave."I hope we will meet again"saying this he passed through me and soon disappeared in the crowd.
I smiled a genuine smile, I don't know why but maybe my heart wanted too but soon it disappeared as I realised it was an accident. I turned my gaze back to my way of the bar and started to walk.
Soon I reached, I pushed the door and entered. I turned my gaze usually there are a lot of people but today there wasn't, it was silent and a strong fragrance of different alcoholic drinks could be smelled, as I stepped towards the bar counter, sat there and called the bartender. "Ms. Hughes one shot for me" I said, the bartender came to me, I am her regular customer she smiled at me while pouring the drink into the glass, but I didn't smiled back because I know what she's gonna ask me '"So, what brings you here? Today?" She asked, forwarding the glass now filled with drink..as she made another for herself. "Any new past story, or someone again made you angry in the office..or that guy Johnathan, again disturbed you?"
She said sipping the drink and leaning forward, keeping the elbows on the table, and gazing at me like she wants me to answer even though she knows I won't, not until I drink two to three glasses, after all my alcohol tolerance is good. "Marg, tell na , what happened?." She asked me, only she called me Marg. I like that when she calls me that, but the question she asks is that I never like that but still I will answer her because she won't let me go if I won't answer her, so I take a big sigh and tell her whatever was in my heart. "So, I again got an anxiety attack, only because today I was reading about an incident on phone, I don't even know when I slept and when I woke up I was sweating, I remember last time I had the same thing when I read about a murder case on the internet and then I ended up getting worse, then also I remember when I heard or maybe watched about a recent sexual assault case, I don't know why my body is not cooperating with me and my mind and heart." I completed my sentence and gulped the drink in one go, when I noticed Hughes's concern."What happened?" I asked about raising an eyebrow but her words made me think deep."It's the 5th time this week when you drank for this reason. You should meet your psychiatrist again, you know only he can help you in this matter rather than this drink." She completed, as I took a deep breath,"You are right, but not now, I am already busy with a project, you know when you are working as THe President of the company it seems to be good but when THe President's main work is to handle all the business and financial work and when you are also THe head of business department then nothing is good, and also my life which is totally fucked up with my own personal issues, you understand's me right, even though I live in a big apartment with 3 bedrooms, I don't have any person to share it with , I am all alone, even if any girl will say be a lesbian for me and marry me I will definitely say yes, but the problem is not even a girl is showing me The true love." I said putting pressure on the word"The" every time, and then letting out a big sigh, I gulped the 5th glass of drink, well it was me who was thinking it was 5th but it wasn't my 5th shot, as I started to feel my vision got blurred, and felt my surroundings started to moving in a circular motion, physics I hate this subject.
"Uh! Margaret, sit down, who told you to drink again like this, wait let me call Daniel or Rachelle only if they can handle this drunk Margaret." She said, in a concerned tone.
Uh! Daniel and Rachelle, well Rachelle Wilson, is my best friend but we meet very little, only because this girl got married and now has a son, we don't hangout like we used to do in the past. While on the other hand Daniel McAdams and I were dating but , it seemed to be a job rather than love, like we were doing formalities. But he does care about me a lot but that's me who never gets any genuine feelings for him, maybe because of my past experiences or maybe because of my mental health issues or maybe because of both.
When I was kid I used to think why these elders act like they are living in a mess, but then I grew up and now I realise why. My life is totally fucked up that if I will close my eyes I won't even get nightmare, so dream is very far and if I really get the one, then it will be the nightmare only.
I was good at everything, but when I was young. But now if I look at myself in the mirror I can see only a fake Margaret who is trying to be like normal people, but I can't, Hughes think to get relief from anxiety attacks , and depression I drinks alcohol but when I am really in a critical situation I use to sink in my bathtub. Bad idea, but it helps me because sometimes I really want to disappear and, here this disappearance is death.
When you are alone you are sad, when you are in a crowd and still alone then it's a feeling you can't describe, I really can't describe this. Maybe sometimes I just want relief but from where I will get this.
Why?
I wanna know Why I am like this? Why am I alone? Why can't my family accept me? Why can't my mind respond to my heart? Why do people think they can understand me, when they can't? Why did they never try to understand what happened to me? Why am I faking my personality?
I was thinking all this fucking shit when I felt someond shook me, I opened my eyes and look at the freaking person who dare to shook me, huh! and it was Danial, sometimes I feel pity for him, he really cares for me but in return I can't give him back the love he gave me. I was again busy in my thoughts when he spoke and I jumped back to reality. "Why the fuck you drank again, Maggie?" He said being frustrated. "And who the fuck told you to drink, if your drink tolerance is good does it mean you will drink more than 5 glasses?" Rachelle said also being frustrated, I can clearly understand that I fucked up everything, but I remember one thing today is hers anniversary, even though I was drunk I remember it's her 5th wedding anniversary and still she came to me, she was wearing a red mid-length dress, and a green set of Jewelry, she was looking hot, and cute at the same time, after all she is the most beautiful girl I ever met in my life, and also she is an makeup artist, she knows how to make herself beautiful.
And that's how again lost in my own thoughts, bitch can't you focus on these guys who really care about you.
I cursed myself under my breath as I slowly got up from my seat and hugged Rachelle."Sorry Mrs. Wilson, I forgot about your wedding anniversary but wait I bought a gift for you I just forgot to give it to you, wait" I said in my drunk tone and getting back to the counter and taking out a small gift wrapped box from my handbag."I know this small gift can really make you happy" I said forwarding the gift. "If you really wanna give me a gift then promise me next time you want a drink and if you will then call me too, when I am your Bestie then it's my responsibility to take care of yours." She said as tears rolled down her eyes,"huh!" I sighed, "Bitch, no need to shed these expensive tears for me, and go to your hubby, and spend your night with him, and forget about today, I am not too drunk, I can handle the mess, y'know" I said, this time a less drunk tone, as I wiped the tear she escaped, and insisted on her to leave the place as I saw her husband standing out of the bar, helding their son Miles in his hands, whereas Denial was holding my arm so that I want fall. "Gosh! Am I so drunk that I can't even stand on my own." I thought as I saw her leaving the place when Danial ensured her that he will handle me."So, now tell me who the fuck told you to drink?" He said looking at me,"My fucking heart" I replied as I was angry because he can't speak a single sentence without curse but also because I adopted his same habit,"Great, now tell me where is your car?" He asked, "I..I DOn't knOw", I replied, my tone was drunk, and now it clearly feels like I am getting into it. So, for the first time I am too influenced by the alcohol."Fuck! How can you be too careless." He said, frustration can be visible on his face clearly,"I fORgot to tAke it, BacK frOm OffiCe."I said pouting in my most drunkest tone ever, now I could also feel that I am drunken, and I can also see him angry, as he ran his hand on his hair in frustration and said in a raised voice"It's a freaking Mercedes and you forgot it, really Maggie, Maggie.. uh! Why do you drink if you can't handle it." He said as he saw me sleeping on the seat head on the counter."This girl is really a mess herself, Ms. Hughes, what is the bill amount, I will pay." He said coming to the counter, taking out his phone for payment."$500" Hughes said"wait she drank the drink which cost 500 dollars" He said in a little bit of shock."Yeah, expensive right?" She replied looking at the bottle of drink."No, I am shocked because it's less costly." He said getting calm while paying the amount."Anyways, the main problem is that she drank..I should take her home." He smiled lifting me up, and heading out, he placed me in the car.
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Soon we reached my home which is a big apartment on the 9th floor of the building. Well that building is known by the name of "Building of wealth" as all the wealthy people live in this society and in this building which has more than 15 floors. But still I feel alone all over there.
I wasn't sleeping the whole way, I woke up on the way of coming home when he was driving because I really can't sleep when I am in a plane or a car or I am traveling. So when he just started the driving I woke up making him startled. But I didn't utter a single word nor he, no matter how much he wanted me badly but I never got any genuine feelings for him, except being friends with him I can't take him as my love of life or my forever life partner or from the small relationship of my boyfriend. Even though I broke up with him last week it seems to be ok for me but I wasn't in love with him, but I know how it feels to him.
We have known each other for the past 5 years, the day I stepped in my company he knows me, he was my mentor. But when his feelings towards me grew up I never noticed that or I did notice but I was not in the mood to believe them so when he confessed that he likes me I was not surprised but also I wasn't expecting the fact that he likes me. Look at him he is just perfect, if he will find anyone for him he will definitely find a good match, he is handsome, tall, good looking, charming, matured, every quality that a girl needs in his boyfriend or husband he has and here me who can't even handle her own thoughts, how can she understand her life partner's thoughts.
I don't even remember when I laughed genuinely, I don't know when I was last happy genuinely. Well I am repeating the 'genuinely' because of a reason.
I was not even in the mood to drink, but I drank because I know only this can help me if I don't wanna end up under the shower all wet.
I was deep in my thoughts when Danial shook me and said "We are here". Only those three words he uttered, it wasn't like I was expecting him to say anything after what I did but I know that he knows that I know that we are in my building's parking, still he wanted to say something and what he chose was "we are here".
Sometimes I really think this man really can't understand my actual feelings towards him or he is just acting like he really doesn't. Because also Romeo will stop just by Juliet's expressionless face then he is a normal American guy, why can't he understand. But I am no one to give Romeo and Juliet's example because their love story was a sad ending and here, his love story didn't even start, all the dreams he saw with me now fully vanished or I said I vanished his all those dreams.
But after gathering a lot of confidence I decided to speak. "Thank you" , really I feel ashamed of myself, this guy literally came for me I just "thank you" but that wasn't even my fault because when you choose relationship over friendship and then the relationship breaks it becomes very awkward to become friends with each other again, we were like a patient of that stage of cancer in which doctor talks in sign language. Not even God can describe our situation. And I was eagerly waiting for his reply so that I can leave, because he knows that I am not in the mood to talk after drinking six to seven glasses of liquor, even though I was in my all senses because I know that liquor was expensive but not worthy to make me drunk enough that I lose my all senses, so when he just made me sat down in the car's passenger seat, I started to lose the effect of the alcohol, maybe those fifteen minutes of sleep was enough for me.
Suddenly he responded to me, finally he said something "You again zoned out, great, so maybe you are really in senses, I just wanna say one thing, I really deserve a second chance." That's it, even though I was drunk I can understand the intention behind those words."What do you think of me? What you did after that you really deserve a second fucking chance." I said raising my voice. "Margaret, how many times I have to explain to you that, the person behind all the news wasn't me. I never announced or revealed our relationship in public." He said a bit loud.
"You do, because you are obsessed with me" I said and stormed out of the car, letting him be dumbfounded.
As I stormed out of the car, tears automatically started to come out. It's not the first time I cried but it was really heartbreaking for me. Getting to the result without listening to the people's opinion is my bad habit but this time I had a strong feeling that there is really something that he didn't told me. I got into the elevator and pressed the button for the 9th floor but just as the elevator door was about to close a hand stopped it, and who can the person be except Daniel. But how he managed to pace with me, maybe because I was walking slow, but it's not the main topic, the main topic is why he needs to follow me.
"What's your problem,.dude?"I asked, frowning my eyebrows, as he entered the elevator and looked at me,"You know what my problem is. But, what is your problem? Can't you act like a normal girl for a while.... I mean it's been more than 5 years since I know you and everyday you are just a fully annoyed and irritated girl, you are just 28, why are you acting like you are a 58 year old lady or aunt ?" he said, panting heavily then taking a great breath he looked at me, waiting for a response. But suddenly the door opened and I went out of the elevator to my apartment, I opened the door and looked at the man, who was standing out of the elevator.
I know this time he won't follow me not because he knows I am not in the mood of talking but also because he knows if this time he will try to talk with me we will only end up fighting and arguing, so it's better that one of us backs off before starting a serious argument. I took a sigh and went inside closing the door. I removed my blazer and laid on the couch, I could feel the effect of alcohol as I was now feeling hot, too much hot, I got up and turned on the AC.
I removed everything I was wearing leaving myself in my lingerie, then I went to my kitchen to make a Lemon Ginger water, but not before turning on the TV.
I turned on the Tv and the screen displayed with the Late Night Prime Show. Well this show is famous because of the business news they show every night, well I think they know many business tycoons like me keep an eye on the media late at
On the Tv.
"Hello everyone, it's 11:30 pm of night and you are watching the Late Night Prime Show, I am Jessica Parker" the female Journalist said. "And I am Ryan Rogers"the male Journalist said. "So you know what Rogers" Jessica said, just as TV news anchors say to create suspense."What Parker?." Rogers looked at her and replied, pretending like.he don't know even though he knows because they are from the media."The share market is getting earthquakes" Jessica replied in a dramatic tone, listening to her chuckle left from my mouth, as I cut the piece of lemon and squeezed and poured its juice in the mug."Yeah, Jes is right and this is happening only because of one company whose share is just growing, growing" Rogers said making me more chuckle as I gave 'what's new in this' look. "And growing" Jessica interrupted. "
Yeah if you are talking about Fashion then you can't forget about this company." "Yeah because this company was nothing but every girl's dream." Rogers added this time his tone was normal tone. "You know about whom we are talking about. This company is none other than RJ" Parker continued "The Royal Jewels is just something out of this world and soon the CEO Roberts has announced that the company is coming up with a new series of Diamond and Pearl"
"So if this Anniversary, or date, or your proposal, you are deciding to gift something new to your partner then you can gift this ultimate Jewellery." Rogers said,"Which Never Gets Old" I laughed as they were becoming melodramatic, I like the fact that they included our one of the advertisement line."Yeah and their advertisement line also says 'The Jewels to show love', so maybe this Valen's RJ is gonna be out of stock." Parker continued. "And after all there motto line is something out of the box and that is-"
"Because love never comes with a price" Both the journalists said together, in a very dramatic and excited tone,. really they are acting like a 5th standard student who is giving speech on my favourite thing or I say my favourite Jewellery company.
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I chuckled listening to them "True Love never comes with price, but maybe in my life Love is out of stock." I said to myself. Then coming to the couch, I sat there with a mug of hot lemon ginger water. "My company is really progressing. RJ, good job." I said giving a straight smile, patting my shoulder as I left a sigh. Then leaning back on the couch. When my ears heard exclusive news from Jessica's mouth.
"Well, guys there is also good news, well this is not related to the fashion world but mainly for the Tech sector it's really an earthshaking news" Jessica said. Uh! why the yell when they can speak normally "Oh, earthshaking news, I am interested, only because maybe I found something which is more earthshaking than my mental health." I said locking my eyes on the screen. "So the earthshaking news is that, The CEO of Apex Global is back." Rogers said joyfully like he is the CEO. "After 3 years Albert James is back and just stepping back his Tech and appliances company 'Home'has announced the upcoming series of mobile phone and home appliances or we say 'Home' appliances. But this sounds the same as you know."
Albert James, sounds familiar, do I know him, wait isn't he the guy I bumped to, huh! There is not only one Albert James in this world.
"It does sound the same but now I understand why his most successful company is Home, because everyone is just in love with it. And soon the CEO is gonna collaborate with different companies, and this time he is not gonna leave fashion brands too" Jessica continued, which made my eyebrows shrink in acknowledgement."Jes is right, maybe he gonna collab with RJ or maybe it can be RJ's rival company Seu's because both the companies have female CEO and both are really serious about their company's progress, and when it comes to fashion we just can't hide the fact that CEO Sue Mark has also done a great job to take her company somewhere near RJ, but we also can't deny the fact that last year she really gave a tough fight to the CEO Margaret. And we can see that Seu has already started to prepare something to get the deal." Rogers added, which also made me think. "He is right Sue is really giving a tough fight" I said to myself as I leaned forward to listen.
"But one thing we all know about CEO Roberts, that she is not one of those business stars who goes to a person herself for a deal, that's why she makes very few collaboration deals and the deals she has made only gave her profit. So this is gonna be a big challenge for the rivals. By the way Rogers do you know the latest news of her personal life." Parker said making my eyebrows frowned, and eyes go wide., why not, after all it's a 2 week old news and still the people didn't forget about this.
"Yeah, her recent relationship news has already broken many hearts, both girls and boys, because there is barely a girl who is not madly in love with Daniel McAdams, and why not this guy is known for his charming and adorable aura, his company is also the rival of Al Groups, but if we know MA Groups I mean McAdams Groups has also progressed very much and we don't know what happened between Margaret and Daniel but what we know is, that they both will sort that problem on their own" Parker said, as if she was saying it to me. "Surely, we hope that before the Charity Auction they will sort out everything." Rogers said, which made me remember that there is a charity auction after two days, I really forgot about that. "It is-" Before he could complete, I turned the TV off.
"Huh! Charity, now what I can donate for auction, let's see it tomorrow, because it's already twelve." I said looking at the wall clock and then getting up from the couch I went to the kitchen keeping back the mug into the sink and then going to my room not before turning off the lights of living area and kitchen which is just separated by side pillars and two staircase which was the way to went to my open kitchen.
I came to my room and then went inside the restroom or in simple language the washroom, Why I use different words for the same thing I don't know but it's my habit, a weird habit that sometimes people can't understand what I mean to say, because of words.
I came out of the washroom wearing a nightgown I say on the bed and opening the drawer of the side table I took out my pills, and gulped them in one go, then I laid on my bed and soon the medicine showed its effect and I fell asleep...
