“Where Am I”
“Where am I?” - That thought was lodged in his head and didn’t want to let another thought in. It was like it had barricaded itself in his brain and was on the defensive. No other thought could break through the barriers that had been erected. “Where am I?” - echoed in her head. “Where am I?” - his heart pounded. This question was in his whole body; it seized him completely and prevented him from reasoning and analyzing the situation. The road he was walking on echoed the same question “Where am I?”, his footsteps on the stone half-destroyed slabs rumbled over the unfamiliar terrain and dissolved into space and again asked “Where am I?”. The black remains of trees protruded from the gray earth, their crackling echoing his footsteps: “Where am I?”. The wind howled overhead among the gray clouds; they loomed ominously over him as if they were stalking him. He wanted to be in his own home, next to his favorite dog, on a comfortable couch. It was not a thought, but a feeling. He could feel the desire, but all he could think was, “Where am I?”
Up ahead, he noticed movement, someone watching him. Cold sweat broke out on his skin. He stopped. The burning eyes of the unknown creature stood out against the gray background of the surrounding landscape. He looked around for shelter, but there was nowhere to hide in this place, and the beast froze as if studying its prey. The beast seemed to be biding its time, waiting for the right moment to attack. At first a slow step, then an allure, changing to a quick run, and already his ominous breathing, heavy, frightening, could be heard.
He sat down on the ground and covered his head with his hands so as not to see the monster that would tear him apart in a moment. And there was still only one thought running through his mind, “Where am I?”. The unknown, merciless creature was rapidly advancing on him. The beast’s breath was now very close, pounding in his temples. With his whole body he now felt the horror of what was happening. A strange, deafening roar echoed through the neighborhood, and all he could think again was, “Where am I?” One single thought was allowed to lend its voice, “What’s going on?” and again, “Where am I?”. The new thought was a partner to the first. Now both of them, as friends holding hands, bravely stood up against the enemy. These friends were the minions of fear and the enemy was him, his courage and confidence. The monster was quite close and he didn’t want to look, didn’t want to see this monster that in an instant would tear him to pieces. Or would that instant last forever? Something jabbed at his arm and then tugged at the sleeve of his jacket. He didn’t resist. The monster’s now hot breath was burning his face, but he still didn’t dare look at it. “Where am I?”, “What’s going on?”. The fearsome beast was near, but nothing was happening, and he decided to open his eyes and see the one who had instilled terror in him a moment ago. Was it a wolf or a dog? Large and with red eyes. His fur was stiff, almost black, shabby in some places, sticking out in different directions. It sat beside him and watched him carefully. He saw something familiar in the animal’s eyes, but his girlfriend’s two thoughts kept him from remembering. He gently stroked the monster. Rising slowly, he walked down the road again, the beast following him. How long they walked, he couldn’t tell. A long time. The gray clouds still loomed over them. At times it seemed to him that night was about to fall. He didn’t even notice a single thought running through his head. They were gone.
-You look familiar to me. There, - he waved his hand back to where they had come from, - I looked into your eyes, and I thought I knew you.
- He addressed the creature. - you won’t answer me, of course, but I don’t know what kind of world this is, maybe you can talk. Maybe it’s a dream? What do you think? I remember the house and my dog, everything else is a blur. I don’t know how I got here or where I am. Do you know where we are now? Is this your world? Or are you here by accident too? I’d like to be home now. It’s nice and sunny there, but here. I don’t know what this world is like.
He looked around and saw something that looked like a fence up ahead.
-Come on, let’s go and see what’s there.
It was an old fence, what was left of it. The timeworn planks crumbled as he kicked them with his foot.
-I don’t know how I ended up here, but I really want to go home. I’d like to go home. Wouldn’t you? Look, there’s another fence. Maybe it’s an old town.
The farther he walked, the more often the ruins of buildings appeared in his path. He didn’t approach them and look at them in the hope of finding something, he just walked on, not even looking around. A ruined city in the middle of the desert and the color gray. Absolutely everything around, him was gray from light to almost black. The ground, the stone slabs of the road, the remains of the trees, the houses, the sky, absolutely everything. The wind was the master of this area, it hummed, howled and even whistled amidst this devastation. There were no obstacles for him here, if he didn’t like something or for fun, he blew the obstacle away. Sometimes it seemed as if he were laughing. The wind gathered its strength and blew away part of the wall, it crumbled to the dead earth with a crash, and he howled triumphantly. His voice drifted upward and dissolved into the gray clouds. And the clouds were angry with him, he had broken their frightening flight, and in response there was deafening thunder, and lightning flashed, striking all the way to the ground. The wind, frightened by the storm, quieted down, hid, it would wait for the thunder and lightning to subside, releasing all its anger.
-We should hide. Let’s go over there, there’s still some semblance of a roof. We’ll wait out the storm.
They crawled through the rubble of half-rotten planks and bricks, and took shelter under the still preserved piece of a canopy.
-You know, I’m at ease with you, your presence calms me. I don’t know how I got here, I don’t know who I am or where I come from, I don’t remember anything. Only my house, I already told you, and my dog.
He closed his eyes and imagined how he and his dog were running along the river bank, on the green grass, he remembered the warmth of the sun’s rays and the splash of the water, heard the buzzing of a bumblebee flying near his ear, and felt at that moment the happiness that had overwhelmed him then.
-I want to go home. Do you have a home? Or was there a home? My memories, they don’t exist. Maybe someone told me about a house or I read about it. I don’t remember. I don’t think I saw anything but all of it. When I came to, I couldn’t even think, there were no thoughts, but now I can think. Maybe my memory will come back to me and I’ll tell you about another life. Or, when I remember everything, I will have nothing to tell you. Maybe I fell and hit my head. You’re kind to me, so you’re my friend. Maybe we’ve been walking this road for a long time and we’re looking for something. Or are we just walking because we have nowhere else to go?
The wolf-like dog or the wolf-like dog looked at him with sad eyes as if realizing what he was saying. He came closer, lay down next to him and put his head on his knee. This gesture symbolized support, sympathy and let him know that he was not alone in this gloomy world. He stroked the animal and said quietly: “Thank you.”
Lightning crashed into the ground, striking somewhere very close, but he was not afraid, because there was a loyal friend, who calmed him with one look, one movement. Support, that’s what he needed now. The support of a friend who gave him hope for the best.
-The storm seems to be over. Let’s get back on the road.
The thunder and lightning had calmed down, but the wind was still afraid to show itself, lurking somewhere, waiting for its time. There was a hill ahead, as gray as the rest of the country, and the road went to the right and wound around it. It was quite high, and on its slopes were tree trunks, or what was left of them. They were like pikes piercing the body, towering over their victim.
-There used to be a forest here. A thick forest. And over there, you see, - he held out his hand, pointing to their left, - there must have been a lake. There were fish in it, and in summer you could swim in it. And over there, farther away, there was a river. It must have run through the town. There’s probably a big city over that hill. - He said cheerfully, but then his eyes filled with sadness and in a voice full of doom he added, - Or what was left of it.
There was silence, and only footsteps broke this terrible silence. At times, another wall of a building could be heard collapsing in the distance.
-The air, it’s strange. Don’t you think? It’s stale, a little chemical, a little sweet, reminiscent of the smell of pus and burning. Barely noticeable. You get it? The question I’m wondering is, “Where are we?” I don’t remember anything. Come on, let’s go see what’s over the hill.
But a premonition told him that they would see a picture as grim as the one here. As they rounded the hill, a horrifying sight appeared before them. A dilapidated city. The ruins of a former civilization.
-I don’t want to go there. Do you? Did something terrible happen in that place? Maybe we shouldn’t go there. You know, let’s try to climb that hill. We should take a look around.
They walked slowly up the black slope. Carefully picking his way between the remnants of trees sticking out of the ground, his feet slipped and slid. Walking became difficult. What had once been earth had turned into a dark gray substance, neither ash, nor clay, nor sand. A couple of times he stepped in something viscous and had a hard time pulling his feet out of this vile and stinking muck.
-I think there used to be trees on this hill. You see, you can see some stumps here and there. But they didn’t burn. The first time I saw those sticks sticking out of the ground, I thought fire. Everything is almost black and gray, like after a volcanic eruption, and now I see that those trees have rotted away. The ground seems to be poisoned and so is the air. What happened in this place? Those houses and fences, they too have rotted from old age. How long has it been? Centuries, maybe? Or was there a catastrophe? Some kind of chemical attack, that’s why it’s all gone so fast. And there’s nothing growing on the land. Maybe everyone was evacuated from the area? But, then, how did we get here? I still don’t remember anything. I can only assume that we were walking somewhere and came upon this place, the poisoned air made me faint, I fell and hit my head. I lost my memory from the impact. But I have no headache, no wounds or bruises. It’s probably just exposure to the air. You know, let’s take a look at the neighborhood from the top of the hill and figure out how to get out of this place. I think we should go back the way we came.
These thoughts gave him hope. He was sure that he would be able to see the way home and return to his former life, which he remembered nothing of, but hoped he had. And never again would he travel to unknown places. With these optimistic thoughts he reached the top, straightened up and his whole body shuddered with terror.
Standing on the top of the hill, a world without life appeared before his eyes. A great valley stretched for many kilometers, beyond it could be seen the outline of black mountains, the tops of which were covered with ominous clouds, and on the bank of a dried-up riverbed there had once been a city. He turned around and, on all sides, there were only black trunks of what had once been dense forest, gray earth and ruined houses staring back at him. A black and gray landscape stretched all the way to the horizon. The world was dead. The world was gone. His hopes had evaporated, all that was left was a sense of hopelessness. A once beautiful world, destroyed. For what? He realized that he had never had another life, no happy moments, no sun, no river, no green grass.
And he had no home.
