18th of July
Today we buried my aunt. I could not expound the emotions i was feeling. I did not cry nor did i feel the need to, my eyes did not water.
I observed as the pastor signalled for them to carry the coffin into the grave, i wanted to take in everything, searched for what would make me feel emotional but nothing.
I watched as both my father and elder brother gave me the "do not cry" look, but how could i explain to them that i did not even have any tears in me.
I wondered if the pastor and others present thought i was weird, even i questioned myself on what was going on. Did i not feel sad enough or have i become so hardened or was it that i had realized life just was not that deep, did i see death as a natural occurance or has life experience made me wicked? All these i pondered on as i observed the varying emotions of the faces of the people present.
I am so proud of you, i can not believe that you did not cry. You have become so tough and that is a good thing.... my elder brother said
Me: I think i just have not taken it in that aunty is really dead, you know
Brother: Sure that happens, one thing i have realized is that everyone grieves differently
Me: That is also true, but i can not even say i am grieving, it feels like it has not sank in yet, and this is not the first time. I experienced the same thing when uncle died too
Brother: You mean daddy's junior brother?
Me: Yes, and i think after experiencing the death of my loved one's, i just have not felt the need to cry again(but the truth was, i really could not give an explanation as to why i felt nothing, but for the sake of giving a reason, let's just go with that)
Brother: Yeah, that happens too
At the shop where my brother and i went to pick up the items to give to the people who had come to condole us, was the Ken guy that i was not a fan of. I'm sorry Lord but this guy irks me.
Ken was the estate gossip, he formerly resided in the same street as my elder brother and one thing he'd do to get on my last nerve whenever i saw him, was that he would just stare and when i greeted him, would ignore me or look away. Sorry but did i mention that i disliked him? Well okay then
I observed as my brother spoke to the girl seated on ken's right and requested for his order. Meanwhile, although the girl seated on ken's left gave a slight smile, i noticed there was a small scowl on her face. Was it at me? Oh please not again, ladies had often mistaken me for my brother's girlfriend when we were together and would instantly hate me, i hope that was not the case this time.
On getting home with the pasteries and drinks, i took the items upstairs into the kitchen where my mother was, we quickly sorted things out and got to attending to the guests.
After the pastor and my dad's friend had left, my brother and i got gisting, he told me how he had had a fling with the girl at the shop.. of course, that's why she looked at me like that, lol. I told my brother how she had given me a hate look and how even the guys at the gym just above the top had left their chattering to look at me, lol, i could not believe just how jobless people were.
I had my phone with me so i did not hear most of the discussion between my parents and my brother... but my ears perked up when i had him mention his friend Andrew. Andrew had relocated abroad in search of a better life, and apparently, now had a freaking girlfriend.....now i felt like crying.
