Midnight Thoughts

Do you know this feeling deep down in your heart? | This sickness before bad news are tearing you apart?

I'm living with it after all these years | after sleepless nights, crying thousands of tears

That someday, there'll be a phone call from the place where you're living now | and before picking up the phone I'll know the words, somehow.

*

So I keep pretend that everything's fine | I manage my life where past and present intertwine

But a part of me won't move on until there's some kind of closure | can't you see it under double exposure?

How I'm still standing, yet buried under all these blows of fate? | How I'm still loving and caring while drowning in trauma and hate?

*

Do you know this noise within earsplitting silence? | These screams and prayers, torturing like a sixth sense?

I'm living with them after all these years | after speechless days, being consumed by my fears

That someday, there'll be this voice again, just one room apart | and before decoding the spoken words, it'll rip out my heart.

*

So I keep pretend that everything's fine | I manage my life where illusions and words intertwine

But a part of me won't move on until there's some kind of closure | can't you see it under double exposure?

How I'm calm on the outside, yet my insides are screaming? | How my body's still here while my soul is leaving?

*

Do you know these flickers and shadows from the corner of your eyes? | Waving, moving, but when you turn around they are resolving into lies?

I'm living with them after all these years | after pitch black rooms full of dusty, blown-out chandeliers

Hoping that someday, they'll be shining again, revealing a familiar shadow | and beyond doubt it will be you, I'll just know.

*

So I keep pretend that everything's fine | I manage my life where shadows and lightning intertwine

But a part of me won't move on until there's some kind of closure | can't you see it under double exposure?

How I'm smiling, yet my reflection stays sad? | How I'm gracefully moving while my shadows went mad?

*

Oh, I keep pretend, pretend, pretend | like this farce could end, could end, could end

Somehow, somday | and heaven forbid, I've tried to find a way

But there's no escape, believe me | I've been drowning in melancholy

Replaying every single scene | what we've lost back then and where we've been

Locked in silence, forgetting our voices | released into freedom, making all the wrong choices

Talked too much till there was nothing more to say | ignoring and losing each other till today.

*

So I don't move on, I don't get closure | can't you see it under double exposure?

How I'm flying, yet stuck to the ground by gravity? | How life keeps going while my thoughts deform reality?

Deforming me | and what I used to be

Deforming you | and what I thought was true

Deforming our existence | and how it once felt to be twins

Yet to be alone | because you vanished ever since, while I can't accept you're gone.