All I need for Christmas…

"Dear Santa, you red clothed, ancient piece of mythical fuckery.

First of all: Fuck you! With a passion and a burning Christmas tree.

Second of all: Don't you dare throw this letter out without reading every ounce of it! You are on probation, Mister.

You wanna know why I stopped believing in you and writing you back then?

It was because you were supposed to be this magic entity with no boundaries as to what you could do, but when it came down to it, you couldn't even make my father well again. That was strike one.

Then he died and you didn't bring him back the following year, even though I begged you. You guessed it, strike two!

I was 6 the first Christmas you failed and 7 the next. When I was 8 I had gotten some sort of sense of reality and only wished for an easel and paint supplies. At least with those I could get some of my feelings out.

But even so, all I got was fuck all... And a very pink, very frilly dress that had my mother's fingerprints all over it. That was the year I stopped believing in you all together, and I've never been happier!

... But this year I'm going through some shit, and me and my wine bottles thought: "We'll just write that sorry old geezer and call him out on all his flaws and bullshit. He is everything that's wrong with Christmas anyway!"

Well, you, Santa dearest, and fucking Ben. At least this year you can share the top of my Christmas shitlist with my piece of shit now ex boyfriend. Because Benny the Buttwipe broke up with me two days ago. He called me a frigid bitch, even though he's the one who has a small penis and couldn't find the clit even if it whistled Jingle Bells at him!

Three long years and a whole lot of dreams and hopes of the future I poured into that walking disappointment, only for him to cheat on me with his slut of a secretary. He didn't want a marriage and kids with me, but Stacey? She gets pregnant, and the douchebag decides that he wants to build a family and a future with her instead!

You are a guy too, and therefore a scum by association, so I doubt you can find the clit either, and besides, you are like... Really old. But maybe you could do a girl a solid and get me the Clit Tickler 2000 then?! If nothing else, I fucking deserve an orgasm for Christmas!

I'm an independent woman, so of course I've tried buying it myself. But it is sold out everywhere and the closest I've got to having it in my possession, is my name on a couple of waiting list. But that is not good enough; I need to have it by Christmas, and you owe me a Christmas miracle, Grandpa!

I normally wouldn't put my trust in an old, mythological being with a scratchy beard and a belly like jelly, or whatever the phrase is. Especially since you've already let me down countless times. But I'm fucking desperate by now, and once again: you owe me, Nicholas!

You see, I'm granting you with one last chance, one more shot; give a girl a fucking orgasm for Christmas, and I won't abandon Christmas all together!

Or is that also out of your world of possibilities?

Nah, it shouldn't be. When all comes down to it, all I'm asking of you is a latex dick with some sort of electronic inside to make my sweet spot tingle. You're a big part of the reason why the earth is drowning in plastic and climate changes with all the shit your guys makes kids these days, so surely you can fix me a piece of magic in the shape of a vibrating plastic cock?

And by the way, throw in a couple of bottles of wine as a bonus for my incredible patience, while you are at it, 'cause the ones I had are suddenly empty, it seems... Ah, the world is definitely out to get me these days.

At least if I have The Tickler I can make my clit happy. It's my favorite part of my body anyway; it rarely disappoints when it's me and it against the world... And if you'll please remember my wine, I can drug the sorry pathetic being that is the rest of me, and maybe Christmas will just dissipate while I sleep off my holiday hangovers.

So merry Christmas, Santa... And fuck you and everything you stand for, if you dont deliver this time!

Yours sincerely, but only if you don't fucking disappoint me AGAIN,

Holly Evergreen"