Prologue
Yvonne Tau
'Smile, while you break in silence,
'
The wind blew, angry and fierce, the sky, grey with clouds, and behind them, thunder threatening, its menacing sound enough to urge me to walk faster, faster towards what I called my house, faster towards a place where I could let loose, wear my own emotions, a place where I feared no one's judgement. The streets were nearly empty, only a few people were on the road, the rest were probably snuggled up in their houses, a cup of tea in their hands along with a heater. I sighed, as I tried to close up my neck, the thin fabric old and out worn, the blue now faded leaving behind a lighter shade. I shivered in the cold, winter wasn't really my favourite month of the year. After a few turns, I reached home, unlocked the door and it opened with a crank, even the door demanded attention, spoke more of what I was going through than I wanted. Atleast I had food, atleast I had a roof over my head, and although this house had its faults, it was still better than nothing. I locked it, and got welcomed by nothing but silence, I was alone, really alone, nothing I wasn't used to.
I went to the kitchen, turning the kettle on, blowing air into my hands as I waited for the water to boil. I went to sit on top of my bed, wanting nothing more than to just sleep. I needed to go back to work at 10:00 a.m, although the night shift did a number on me, I still had to work, otherwise my sister would suffer. I needed to earn just about enough, in order for her to eat, university life was tough. Atleast mama was proud of me, atleast what I did made her happy. Although it was hard sometimes, the pride that brims within her eyes whenever I come back home is enough, even if I have to deal with the cold at night, the leaks on rainy days, it was still worth it. My phone pinged with a notification, a tender reminder that I would have to sit and plan properly, try spending each and every Rand I earned wisely. I stood up without checking how much I had made this month, the amount never seemed to be enough, because although I love providing for my family, it still hurt that I could not buy something nice for myself. I will have to try buying winter clothes, this would not do, I will have to sacrifice something.
The coffee was warm in between my hands, it did justice to my frozen hands, helped provide some warmth. My phone rang, and I looked at whom was calling, eventhough I knew whom it was, I still tried to expect someone else, maybe even Thabo, maybe even Londiwe telling me all about the trip she took last weekend. As I had expected, it was mama, and I could only predict what she would tell me next. I knew what she would say, I had gotten used to it, for the past two years it has been like that, I was just glad that Sindisiwe was doing her last year. After a few seconds of deliberate hesitation, I picked up the phone, held the cold object towards my ear, "Hello," my voice was hoarse from flu, but I knew that I could do a week or two, and after that I'd be able to go back home and get some traditional medicine, or, if I had extra cash, I'd go to the chemist and buy a few cough medication. " Ohh mtwana'm, how are you doing? Are you okay?" she said, sounding concerned, if only she meant it, kept the act a little bit longer.
"I'm fine mama, there's no need to worry, you know me, I'm strong. How are things going?" I asked, as I slowly sipped the sugarless coffee, when last did I drink coffee with sugar? Right, yesterday at work. "Hei, I'm not good, I think I'm going to die of stress, phela your sister, Sindisiwe is having a hard time, her bursary has not paid the monthly expenses, she is going to bed hungry again. How far are you with raising the money?" she sighed, the sound of people talking audible, she was probably attending another one of her 'hustles'. Not again, let's just hope she does not blow up every cent she has." Eish, mama, I have only received the salary for this month today, I still need to plan properly..." she cut me off, her voice raising just a bit, an indicator that she was getting frustrated with me. Not this again. "Weh Yvonne, I gave birth to you, spent every cent I had on both you and your sister, and today you are unable to even send R2000, a mere R2000? Do you want your sister to go hungry again, she is going to become an accountant, the least you could do is to support her! " she chewed the chappies roughly, and I imagined how she looked like. Furrowed eyebrows, anger clearly written on her face.
" Kodwa mama, I also have to eat, I do not have winter clothes, I will die from the cold if I do not get something for myself. Let me just send the money later on today, I promise, I will send the money, just give me a few hours, ," I pleaded, my eyes getting watery with every word I said, I hoped she would listen, tell me that I could keep R500 for myself, surely that would be enough to buy two tracksuits, nothing fancy, just something to keep me warm." Yvonne mtwana'm, do not be selfish, your sister is the one who needs winter clothes. The ones you bought her last year no longer fit her, she is suffering from flu. Please, you need to send an extra R1000, I doubt she would be able to survive the cold. Imagine what she must be going through, the kids at her university are going to laugh at her, we cannot have people looking down on her now can we? " I sighed, taking in every word of hers. The clothes did not fit her, probably because she was eating so much, but I dared not to say a word, I suppose I have comply.
" I will try mama, I will try, but I am not promising anything, " and she hung up the call. I finished drinking the cup of coffee, the urge to sleep withering. I sighed, once more again. Eish, how was I going to make my finances balance? I am running out of maize meal, I need to buy more maize meal, the tin fish and beans can barely last me for another 2 weeks, unless if I can make a plan, but even so, the maize meal I have left is only enough for one meal. I grabbed a blanket and covered myself with it, the wind still roaring outside. I finally decided to look at my salary, I needed to send them R5000, R3000 was for Sindisiwe, and R2000 was for my mother, another R1000 was for incase they need money in the middle of the month. There was only R4000 left for me, well that is going to be enough right? It is better than nothing. The night shifts that I work helped me, atleast I earned an extra R2000, so that meant I had money, enough for me to try buying a few things.
Soon, the landlord was going to call, but I will start by sending mama and Sindisiwe the money, yes, I will do just that, and I needed to leave enough money for taxi fare, and a bit must go into my savings account, I am planning to buy a car, even if it is a second hand one, those are cheaper, but I needed something new, something that would not require getting fixed every month. My cellphone pinged again, to alert me of the money that had just went out of my account. I also had to buy electricity, and it was expensive, almost too expensive. After sending the money, I accidentally fell asleep, a long deep peaceful sleep. Although I had not bought anything for myself yet, atleast I had managed to pay them , atleast she was going to be fine, yes, in a few months she was going to be done with her course, and that meant one expense off my list. I had to hold on, and right after that, I am going to find a new house to rent, a better one, after that, I am going to go on a shopping spree, after that, I am going to buy nice things for myself, after that, I will not have to work extra hours anymore, yes, I will finally be living a nice life.
I dreamt of the life that I would be living after she returns home, I dreamt of the things I would buy for myself when she is able to fend for herself. I dreamt of my mother's proud smile, Sindisiwe's loving eyes, all for me, because I had helped her. I dreamt of nice things, beautiful things, things that I had been dreaming of for months now, as I counted days until she finished with her studies and returned home. I counted and counted, everytime the sun set the smile on my face got slightly genuine, much more genuine than the one I had plastered on my face yesterday. Yes, life is going to improve. I too will travel just like Londiwe, I too will buy beautiful clothes to wear on my dates with Thabo, he will finally call me pretty, he will look at me as if I am his world, the light that has disappeared from his eyes will return once more again. He will look at me just like he did when I was still young, and we will return to what we were, 7 years ago. Maybe he might even propose, and mama, will once more, have something to brag about.
Although I was still drowsy, I felt a smile creep up on my face, as I imagined her telling the stokvel ladies all about her nurse child and her handsome fiancé , their envious faces as she told them about the price he paid to wed her. Mama would smile, and finally be satisfied with the money she would be holding in her hands , oooh, that would be the happiest moment of my life . The joyous faces of all abomalume nabo mamncane, eish, that would be priceless. For now, I will dream. Only 3 months left, and she would be home, that's R2000 off my expenses. My body was tired, so tired that I forgot that I had to go to work. I had barely had time to sleep, and now I was paying for all those days I could not afford proper sleep. The blanket, thick and heavy, soft enough for me to sleep, warm enough for me to avoid the cold, act as though it is not winter. I should probably pass by the chemist...
***
Definitions:
-Rand(R) : South African currency
-Thabo : name given to males, it means happiness
-Londiwe : a name commonly given to females, it means 'protected'
-Sindisiwe : a name commonly given to females, it means 'saved'
-Mntwana'm: a zulu/Xhosa and Ndebele word for 'my child'
-Phela : has several uses and meanings, or none at all, it can be added to a sentence whenever you're having a conversation with someone. In formal settings, Phela means 'because' or 'stop',again, depending on the sentence.
-Chappies : commonly used to refer to bubblegum, although in reality, it is a brand name.
-Kodwa : Zulu, Xhosa and Ndebele word for 'but'
-Mama : used in several south African languages. It means 'Mom'
-Abo Malume nabo mamncane : translated to 'Uncles and aunts'
