A Short story of "Wake up"

You start opening your eyes, it’s hard they seem stuck like your brain and your body are not wakening together, but you know the day is starting, you have to get out of the bed.

Your head and body is hurting from all the seizure activity from last night oh what a night another night brilliant, the cycle continues.

Everything that happened within your sleep, nocturnal epileptic, seizures and taking that Emgency medication last night because of the clustered seizures you really did not want to do but knew if you did not things could go very bad for you!

Then you remember that feeling you get when that time of the day appears, the curtains shut, dinner has come and gone, it gets darker and darker and before you know, it’s time for those 9 o’clock meds, the meds you have to prepare yourself for because you know soon you will feel tired!

You will soon become, unaware what is going on, but ignoring that time is coming, that time that always comes every day and before you know it, its 10 o’clock meds.

The time to take those 10 o’clock sleeping tablets, the melatonin which you lack in your body.

Time to take more pills, to help with your sleep and seizure activity, making sure you do not pass that seizure threshold.

Oh too late, an hour passes you’re not asleep another hour passes and you know now it’s time to go to that room and turn everything off, switch that mind off and get under those covers.

You look in the mirror and you say to yourself in a deep breath “Not again, not again, not again” a small complex partial seizure happens you grab and hold on like you do all the time till the small seizure passes, relaxing yourself during and not panicking so the seizures dose not get worse.

Nighttime you turn that light off, close those eyes, it takes a while, but next thing you know you wake up half way through the night, jerking like crazy, heart palpitations so fast you feel it coming out of your chest.

Then you there laying during this repeating words such as “fuck, fuck, fuck.

Then you close your eyes again, because of the tiredness you are unable to fight but then again you wake early hours of the morning same feeling, same panic, same jerks and same beats again its “fuck, fuck, fuck”.

You close your eyes again but next thing you see, wake up with those horrid jerks again and again, its morning now, so you get up and you take those 9am meds and again and start the day with a much needed caffeine boost to help you through the day.

You walk to that mirror where the mirror tells you the truth, no lies, no make up to cover it you see it, all of it, every ounce of it that others do not because hey your so good at wearing a mask, wearing the make up, making yourself look like you are well after all!

There you are looking at yourself dry skin, dry hair, dark circle under eyes, you go to get breakfast but emotions are too much so you run into a room alone and you cry, cry it out, and cry out the pain and the frustration!

You stop the tears and you get on with your day, you put that mask on, your make up, you put your hair in style and the clothes that make you feel good on.

There you are laughing and joking with everyone else the circle repeats every day until one day your outside laughing and joking with everyone, but next thing you drop your gone tonic clonic seizure happens and all you remember is exhos of names and waking up after another one, another seizure, you think to yourself

“Oh not again when will this stop”.

"Will I ever rest again."

"Will I be able to properly sleep again."

All you think is sleep is the scariest place for someone who’s chronic illness is a link to sleep!

You want to give up, but you can’t because you know giving up isn’t an option! You know in time it will get better again like it did before because you know surviving is all you know!

Until the day he comes around my darling son and changes everything making all the seizures less hard to deal with because you have been given a beautiful gift and when you look at him you see beauty in the world and think to yourself with a smile of joy.

“I can do this because of him and because I have been given a chance to be a mum, when I thought it was impossible, it became possible, once I started to believe this is it, this is happening.”

You know it won’t be easy but you know you can do it because I'm his mummy and that unconditional love, is the love that keeps you going, keeps you showing up for him time and time again.

Most importantly you know these most precious young years of his life are not forever and ever so important to what will shape him into the person he becomes!

What do you do!

Well, you fight because you can, because you will no questions asked, because even if consultants tell you surgery out, your seizure thresh hold is to low, your on your last epilepsy medication that can work for your type of Epilepsy, VNS is the last chance, your are at high risk of clusters SATES seizures and the ultimate epilepsy death none other than SUDEP itself.

You know!

But, what you also know is your body is incredibly strong and has been through hell and back with more times I can count on just one hand back with taking the mindset to one of its darkest places ever and you survived.

You survived!

Why!

Well because I have been on this rocky road trip for some time now, and now I am at my rising, because though I am yes chronically ill, I will not stop I will keep going why because I am resilient.

I have always been resilient from as young as five.

The difference now, I no longer fear my epilepsy like I use to, I know longer lean like I use to, I am on a different frequency with my energy.

I have grown and I will continue growing.

I'm finally okay with that because I now have the calming tools though you can never stop or controle when a seizure hits you can calm the body and make sure even when those heart palpitations happen and the jerks happen, and the whole shit show off it happends and there is nothing you can do because you have no control of epilepsy.

But you can keep calm with your emotions, to remain the brain as calm as possible.

Because my darling readers now I have let you enter Cryptic Edwards complex mind you will understand this, the brain is very complex it can help you or it can break you!

Now I can write!

Now I can read compare to before when seizure activity would be constant.

Now I am a mum!

Now I have gone through my Spirtual awakening and no it's not fun but it is part of the process.

Now I am ridding bad trauma away.

Now I accept my epilepsy and being Neurodiverse.

Now I have my crystals to ground me, my dogs to protect me when I sleep.

Do you believe in guardian Angels because I do and like the famous Elton John saids in his best time song for me "I'm still standing." - In which I am.

Author note-“This piece reflects the reality of living with Epilpsy and the nightly cycle of fear, fatigue as well as survival for those fighting invisible battles - "I say to all my darling Epilepsy warriors out there reading this piece, that you are not alone, this is a part of my lived experience.”

This was a piece I wrote and then yes re wrote as always from the heart my darling readers, from what was happening in the pandemic then to now.

If you would like to understand epilepsy more in depth and my story with educational tools and understanding.

You can also take a look at on Amazon Ease into Epilepsy and Ease into Epilepsy -"The falling and the Rising" by Cryptic Edwards both on Amazon kindle no pressure.