I Don’t Know What To Say

I Don’t Know What To Say

~Prologue~ When you are required to say something but can’t.

“Madam Foreperson, have you reached a verdict?” The judge asked as soon as she was settled in her chair.

The middle-aged woman stood and opened a piece of paper. She lifted her head, turning it, her eyes landed on me. She turned her head back to the paper.

“We have Your Honor.” The judge nodded to the woman and then picked up her pen.

“On count one, vehicular homicide of Melissa Barber, we the jury find the defendant ‘Guilty’. On count two, vehicular homicide of Jennifer Barber, we the jury find the defendant ‘Guilty’. On the third and final count of vehicular homicide of the unborn Barber child, we the jury find the defendant ‘Guilty’.”

The judge looked at me and then turned back to the jury. “So say you all?”

“Aye.” The twelve men and women of the jury responded.

This is when my ears went silent, I was already shaking, my tears were gone, long dried up over the past months, I just didn’t feel anything. I then heard my name and felt Roger touching my arm.

“Hmm what?” I mumbled.

“Mr. Barber?” I raised my head and looked at the judge. “Mr. Barber!”

“I am sorry, yes Your Honor.” I replied.

“Mr. Barber sentencing will be scheduled for three weeks from today. I ask that you be present.” She paused, still looking at me.

“Yes, Your Honor but if I may… I really …”

“Yes Mr. Barber?”

“Your Honor, why would I be needed?” I felt I must ask. I really didn’t want to be here for that.

“Mr. Barber, it is protocol for you to be given an opportunity to speak at the sentencing if you care to. I will listen to reasons for you to not attend. Counselor? Anything in writing on my desk in a week.”

“But Your Honor.” I pushed back, “I don’t know what to say to Ms. Stevens.”

The gavel dropped three quick times. “Court adjourned until scheduled sentencing.”

~

Three Weeks Later

The courtroom seemed fuller this time as I walked in. I noticed that fact right away, as soon as I walked in with Roger. Then all the eyes in the room fell on me. Now a widower at the age of fifty-two. I was here for the sentencing of the twenty-four year old Ms. Allie Stevens, the young woman who took my family from me.

Looking over all of these people I saw two who both looked familiar from the “Action News” channels in the local area. I turned to my left as I walked down the aisle, and saw Nikki and then Aleena, both entertainment news columnists.

It felt wrong, like this was something private that had been turned into a public thing.

I sat where they told me to sit. I kept my hands together because when I didn’t, they shook.

Ms. Stevens stood when they told her to. She looked smaller than I remembered. Maybe it was the oversized orange, black, and yellow striped uniform of the DOC. Everyone in the news was calling for a maximum punishment for how dangerous she was, a three time offender of Driving Under the Influence law.

Twenty-four isn’t old, it’s just … she’s nearly a youngster herself.

The judge came in. We stood, then we sat. It all happened the way it was supposed to.

“Ms. Stevens,” the judge said. Her voice was calm. Too calm. “You have been found guilty of three counts of vehicular homicide while driving under the influence.”

I stared at the wood table in front of me. There was a mark in it, a long scratch that someone had tried to sand down and varnish over. They hadn’t done a very good job. I looked at it long enough and it started to fade away.

I heard the judge continue her conversation, not that I was ignoring it, I just didn’t need to hear it, she just kept talking. I didn’t catch all of it. Words floated in the room, serious words, important words, but none of them brought my wife, daughter and unborn child back.

Then I heard my name.

“Mr. Barber, you may address the court if you wish.”

I didn’t wish to. I stood anyway with Roger’s assistance. When I turned, Ms. Stevens was looking at me. I hadn’t planned on that. I don’t know what I expected. I guess I was expecting tears, but all I saw was emptiness from Ms. Stevens.

I had thought about this moment before. I had imagined myself saying their names. Saying what she had taken. Saying what she would never understand.

I walked to the podium in between the two tables. I looked at her again, I stood there and pulled the piece of paper from my jacket pocket. I unfolded it. Nope, nothing, none of it felt right. None of it felt like it belonged to me anymore.

I turned back to the judge because if I kept looking at her, something ugly might happen inside me.

“Your Honor,” I said. My voice sounded farther away than I expected. “I am sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

That was it, I froze. I never froze when in the spotlight but this time, that was all I could do. I turned and looked at Roger for assistance, my long life friend, I needed assistance in even moving to a seat.

There, then and there I sat down and felt empty for my life was over.

The judge nodded like I had done something acceptable. She looked at her papers.

“Ms. Stevens,” she said, “this court sentences you to life imprisonment for each count.”

I remember counting without meaning to. One. Two. Three.

“These life sentences will be served consecutively. As this is your third offense of DUI and in-line with the Commonwealth’s Three Strike Law, there is no ability for parole.”

Someone behind me made a sound, maybe it was a relative of Ms. Stevens. I couldn’t tell. It wasn’t a word, it was a noise.

I waited for something to happen inside me. Relief, maybe satisfaction, maybe some justification, I wanted to feel something, anything but I didn’t.

Instead, I felt confused. The judge had taken her life away as well. That’s what people would say. But my wife was still dead. My daughter was still dead. The baby we never met was dead as well.

Nothing had been fixed yet another life had been folded up and put somewhere I would never see again, not that I wanted to.

The thought made me feel sick. Worse, it made me feel responsible. Like my being there had helped push the weight down on her, even though I hadn’t said anything at all.

The gavel came down.

“Court is adjourned.”

I stood, “Wait! “Your Honor, No!”

People stood. The chairs moved. A deputy put her hand on Ms. Stevens’ arm and led her away. She didn’t fight, she didn’t look back.

I stayed standing longer than I should have. I felt like I was going to pass out. It occurred to me, slowly, stupidly, that four lives had ended. “Wait! Your Honor, please Your Honor?”

The judge turned to look at me. She stopped and turned to Roger and shook her head.

Roger turned to me, “It’s over.”

I looked down at the floor, the courtroom was already moving on.

~