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“When you decide to leave, you will understand what motivates me”.
“Mum and Dad say you’re not going anywhere”.
“I have a train at seven”.
“But you’ll come visit”.
“I can’t. But you can come. You have a phone, text me if I’m free. You get on at the right station, I pick you up at the end”.
“And can’t you come?”.
“Kyra, please”.
“I don’t want you to go”.
“You can stay with me today until morning, but tomorrow I’m leaving”.
He returned a strong hug. Kyra was crying, he waited until she would calm down.
…
He remembered his mother entering the room.
“You’d take down those horrible drawings. Paint me something nice”.
“Do you need anything, Mom?”.
“Can’t I check how my son is?”.
“I’m okay, you can go”.
“You’ve gotten so terrible lately. I remember when you were little, you were such a cheerful boy”.
“That’s me. Please, can you go now?”
Sometimes he felt the need to turn on adult content and let the screen face the door to make it uncomfortable for his mother to enter his room, or at least to scare her away. He was glad to leave this musty room. Until now, there was a wallpaper that they put on when he was little. His mother liked it much. He started hating it. It is stupid to tell the story of this unfortunate wallpaper, half torn off by him, glued back on… You can… But it is not worth it…
…
The hardest thing was to leave his sister. He waited until she became adult before leaving. But the situation at home became really… not fun… He hoped that despite his change of plans, they would keep in touch. She kept asking him to come back. She didn’t understand why he had left. Even when he found a job, friends, a girlfriend, an apartment – the hardest thing was to let her go. But he had already written to her many times that if anything at the home happened, she could write or just come. She was reluctant to travel such a distance without parents. Returning from the toilet in the pub, he received a text message. “Is 14-16th ok?”. “Sure”, he replied.
“I can’t on the fifteenth”. He informed his friends at the table. “My sister is coming”.
Carisia agreed to leave for the weekend, left her bed for Kyra. He was afraid that something had happened. His girlfriend understood and tried to support him. It has been so many years since he has had contact with someone from home. In the first moment, as soon as he saw his sister again, he understood why it was so.
…
She really liked children, school was nearby, the closer she was to graduation, the more she was convinced that working with children was what she wanted. Mom said it was a noble job, she thought so too. She laughed that after a short break she had returned to the first class once again. It was there, back at school, that she met the love of her life. She also met with her old teachers and insisted to address them formally.
“How is my former best student?”.
“The children are amazing”.
“So where are you going after you finish this year at our school?”.
“Pardon me?”.
“At your age, all I wanted was to see the world, meet people. I never had a chance to return to my hometown, only after I got a little older and explored. And I always regretted it”.
“I don’t think I’d be leaving”.
“That’s a pity”.
He left her as the bell rang with anxiety starting in her heart. Much later, as a mature woman, she recalled this anxiety… He nested in her heart a question that remained with her for years: “Maybe I should?”.
She waited for her beloved to drive up to the school. She heard a horn.
“I’m sorry, traffic was terrible”.
She kissed him through the open driver’s window.
“We have to go home first, I have to change”.
He rolled his eyes. But she loved that crazy guy anyway.
“So what is the important thing you wanted to tell me about today?”.
“You’ll see”.
Just two hours later, she was screaming, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”. She couldn’t stop looking at the gold ring on her finger.
“I saw it and immediately thought of you”.
He stopped the car in front of his house, she gestured so that his mouth would get closer to her, he grabbed her by the arms and legs and carried her in his arms, closed the car, opened the house, left her only under the toilet. She leaned her head against the wall as he stepped inside. She liked such moments of closeness and intimacy. It was her quirk, she would probably never reveal to anyone, she quietly closed her eyes to remember all the feelings of this moment.
“Honey, will you make us something to drink?”.
She turned to the kitchen.
“Sure, baby. Now that we’re engaged, I think maybe I’ll go to my brother’s house and tell him about it in person”.
“What for? Can’t you call him?”. She laughed, as he looked funny asking the question still standing in the bathroom doorway, fastening the fly.
She moved closer to kiss him. He moved her face closer.
“Wash your hands”, she said just before the kiss, seeing his eyes so close that they looked eerily like two big glass balls.
…
“Arrive the day before the wedding, or even earlier”. “I’ll try”. This one message could never convey all his stress. For the first time in so long, he will see his parents…
With all due respect to you, Iwa, there is no way you won’t show up at your sister’s wedding.
“My prodigal son!”. His mother grabbed him with her arms.
“How can you make me feel so badly with just three words”, it seems this response never left his mind.
It took a lot of sophistication and years of practice to come up with words that hurt so badly, even when you don’t listen to them.
“Mister brother!”, the tall man shook his hand.
Iwa frowned automatically.
“Is there something on my nose?”. The man laughed, hit Iwa on the shoulder with all his might… Or maybe it was supposed to be a gentle tap… He turned around and was gone.
He’s drunk, Iwa thought.
He was pulled out of his shock by Kyra’s approaching.
“It’s so good to see you!”.
“Can we talk in private?”.
“Why? Yeah, sure. Come on. To my room!”.
Just as in his former room there were loads of posters on the walls. This is how this room has changed since he left.
“The one who greeted me is your fiancé? Kyra, he’s wasted. Do you seriously want to marry a guy who is drunk or hungover at your wedding? Kyra, you know I care about your well-being and happiness. As a brother, I advise you not to do this.
“I told you I was happy with him. I’m happy! I am happy! Do you hear me? I am”.
He went out onto the porch, theoretically to smoke a cigarette. A hand with a cigarette to his mouth also allowed for an alone conversation.
“Iwa, how are you?”, he asked himself how he sometimes did. “Home again… You don’t know what to do. No one here will ask you how you feel. Everyone has their own problems. You can’t blame them. But they can’t reproach you for trying to live your life. You want to help them, your parents, your sister… It feels stupid to leave them. Iwa, what are you saying, you already feel out of strength. With Carisia… Even when thing get bad, she gives you strength”.
“How is it going?”, the phone buzzed.
“Do you think if I break his arm, my sister will get wiser by the time of the postponed wedding?”.
Carisia called.
“Her fiancé is as shit as this whole town. I don’t know how my sister can allow that. My mother took my strength away with the three words. Nothing has changed. Nothing”.
“Iwa, they can’t be that terrible”.
“Please, let’s not start this conversation. Not here. Not when I’m that pissed”. Pause. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want my sister to end up like this”.
“You are not responsible for her”.
“But it hurts anyway”.
“I know”.
“I’ll tell you everything when I get back, okay? Now I need to survive the wedding. And I’ll be back. I love you”.
“I love you too”.
He extinguished his cigarette halfway through, went to the kitchen to grab the second of his three addictions before chocolate – tea.
“Iwa has always been rude and talkative”. He heard his mother’s voice as he entered the kitchen.
Almost not hearing such statements was already an old habit. Once he had a dream, his parents complained about each other on his birthday. In his imagination they behaved just like in reality. Such statement really got stuck in your head… Maybe he will use a different mug. Nice mugs will still be useful for tomorrow morning.
“Close the locker, you’ll knock yourself on the head”. The door flew in front of his face.
“Mom. Tell me, please, how old am I?”.
“And what does that have to do with it?”.
“That depends on what it is”.
“…You got kind of weird since you left”.
She took something and left.
“Honey, more!”.
“Coming!”.
“Kyra, we can have a word”, he stopped her.
“A moment”. She seemed so happy to be able to run to the kitchen and supply the table. “What’s up?”.
“Are you sure you want to marry him? See how he uses you”.
“…Since when have you started talking such nonsense”.
There was one moment when he found a common language with his mother.
“Dad still can’t properly cook a duck?”. He looked at the table doubtfully.
“You can’t teach that old bull anything”.
For that one moment all seemed fine. Then he remembered…
…
He was happy to return to Carisia, more than he expected. She prepared dinner. He helped her set the table and make her tea.
“You survived”. She laughed.
Later he told her:
“…Basing on what I am telling you, you cannot understand the situation with my parents. It’s not that they’re infinitely bad. Once they took in a boy. His parents must have died in some accident, they must have known his parents, they lived somewhere in the neighborhood. He lived with us for a while, went to school with me, before he was finally found a nice family. My parents were really affectionate and committed. I remember when I was a child they prepared costumes for my school projects at midnight whenever I forgot to tell them until the day before I needed them. But they always thought that I would go to university somewhere nearby, build a house on a plot of land opposite to theirs… There were a few particularly unpleasant situations. Since they started to argue more frequently the whole “who is a better parent?” started. Kyra always liked it more somehow. I was ceasing to be their little boy… it was time to grow up. That was when the biggest problems in our relationship began. I mean, there was more… I just allowed myself to feel at some point that “hey, something is very wrong”. The Internet also helped, of course. I don’t want to demonize them or make someone think badly of them. I prefer my life now more. I’d rather forget. If you were there, you’d know what I mean. It’s about the way they… about subtle things. It is hard to fight, and it hurts…”.
“I love you, you know? I want you to tell me whatever is wrong”.
“I love you too. Thanks for listening”.
“I wonder if that is why you feel like you need to deal with most people”.
“What? Some of them are cool. But you won’t tell me that with some of them you don’t have to deal with”.
“I will. Although I don’t know why. It seems to me that the way you respond to unpleasant situations is effective. And it’s great that you can do that. But I have the impression that it can get better”.
He fell onto the bed. Their noses were so close that they almost touched. He put his hand towards her. Even if he couldn’t understand what she meant now. She grabbed her and hugged her.
“…I love you”.
“I love you too”.
