Ragged Road

The River of Peace, as the Neuse River is known, harbors abundant life - catfish, shad, flounder, and delicacies like blue crab and oysters - a miracle, really, since a thick leafy canopy hides sections of the river from bright, clarifying shafts of light. Except for where the river runs through a narrow limestone gorge near Goldsboro, loose sandy banks outline the river from the place it is formed by the Flat and Eno rivers to where it reaches out for Pamlico Sound.

Old timers believe the dense green treetop crown holds in the river’s secrets. From the displacement of the Neusiok Indians by white settlers and probably before, the river has heard the cries or laughter of young and old, swallowing confidences into the muddy bottom. Joys and heartaches of generations have washed into the water to be swept away or crashed on the rocks. The river leaves nothing behind.

Thinking about the river’s two-million-year history and legends, Rafe Whitfield picked his way along the muddy banks looking for a good place to throw in his fishing line. Fishing was a way to draw inward for a while, to settle one’s soul. Whether all that was known about the river was fact or fiction could be contemplated watching a bobber on top of the murky water.

Lanky and limber, he hopped over less desirable spots along the shore and selected a big flat rock. He sat down, putting his tackle box within easy reach. It was a lazy afternoon – no need to make work out of fishing. He loaded his hook and cast out into the middle of the river, which was flowing quickly today…it was hard to tell whether this would be a good or bad day for catching anything worth keeping.

His red and white bobber performed a furious dance on the water; left, then right; up, then down. It was not easy to stay in control of the line in that kind of turbulence. The herky jerky of the bobber reminded him of the Lenoir County Winter Homecoming where he and Rose had danced a frenzy until damp with sweat. That dance had awakened feelings that led the young lovers to lose themselves in each other in the back of his Ford, a frenzied dance of another kind. He smiled at the memory. It hadn’t been their first time, but nothing prior had surpassed that one night.

Could intensity of passion increase fertility? Rafe didn’t know, but Rose had become pregnant. Although they were both seniors in the Class of ’68, they were still not quite done with high school. Pregnancy was not the best news they could receive at this stage of life. It wasn’t that Rafe didn’t love Rose or want to marry her – they had talked about it several times - but neither of them had pictured it taking place this way. Rose had dreamed of a white gown and flowers and a reception in the grand old style of the Caswell family, maybe even under a big tent on the Caswell estate. Rafe had never been particularly interested in a lavish affair. As a middle-class boy, he had learned that keeping things low key was a better economic decision. Money was no object for the Caswells, but for the Whitfields it was a different story. Nevertheless, Rose…the queen of his heart…Rose fancied a grand event, equal to her family’s name. Such an event would not be sensible or even possible now.

***

When Rose had originally told him she was pregnant, Rafe didn’t know exactly what to think or how to feel. He was shocked, but shock soon gave way to a happy feeling that seemed odd given the circumstances. Today, he was making his case for marriage. They talked about it as they walked by the river later that afternoon.

“You know I love you. Let’s get married right away,” he said.

“I love you, too, but we’ve got to figure out how we’re going to let our folks know about what’s happened,” she replied.

“Why? Let’s just run off. We’re of legal age to make the decision. I’ve got money saved up for college and we can get a license, get married, and start our life together.”

Rose hesitated, deep in thought. “Rafe, you’re a good man. But face it. Starting a marriage this way will not be easy. We love each other, but…” She left the comment hanging in the air and looked down at the ground.

“What is it? Out with it. We have to be honest with each other on this,” Rafe encouraged.

“Daddy and Mother will have a fit if I just run off. They’ve been planning for me to go to State in the fall. This is going to be hard for them. You know my father. It’s got to be his way, always. They will be mortified that their only daughter is pregnant out of wedlock. In their eyes, that’s the worst possible sin. Girls who get pregnant out of wedlock are whores, sluts…I’ll be an outcast in my family, my town.”

“People are stupid and cruel. Forget them. Not your parents, of course, but the rest of them. Ok, Rose, I agree - we have to be honest with our parents. I know your dad has never been my biggest fan, but he’ll get used to the idea once he sees that we really love each other and that we want to begin our life together. There’s no reason you can’t still go to State. Pregnant girls go to college. There’s no stigma there. It happens all the time.”

“You’re naïve, Rafe. It doesn’t happen all the time, especially to the Caswells. Family honor is at stake. I guarantee you – the discussion will be bloody. What about your folks? How are they going to take it?”

“I’m not sure. I imagine Mom will be hurt and Dad will just tell me I have to be a man and do the right thing, which is what I want to do anyway. But we don’t have ‘family honor’ at stake. We’re just poor white trash compared to your clan.”

“Rafe, that’s not fair and you know it. The Caswells have a responsibility to the community, have a reputation to maintain to help preserve Kinston’s place in North Carolina’s history. Why Daddy….”

Rafe interrupted, something he didn’t usually do with Rose because he loved the sound of her voice and the rhythm of her words. “Rose, the Caswell name and the importance of Kinston to the state of North Carolina have long ago been diminished. You’re talking about faded glory, girl.I’m not trying to be mean. I know your family feels the pressure of their heritage, and I don’t fully understand it. But do you really think you are the first Caswell girl to get pregnant without a marriage license in place? You’re the one whose naïve.”

Rose was silent for a moment. She looked out over the brown and brackish river, then spoke so quietly Rafe could barely hear her over the rushing water.

“You may be right, but I know my father all too well. You have your eyes on the bright side. I have my eyes on the Caswell side, and that side is bright only so long as everything is perfect and in its place. We’ll see, Rafe Whitfield. We’ll see how things proceed from here.”

He held her hand all the way back to the Ford, where he stopped long enough to hug her tight.

“You try not to worry so much, Rose. Worrying is not good for the baby. We’re going to love this baby and raise it right here in Kinston. If anyone says anything cruel to our baby, they’ll answer to me. If your parents don’t understand, we’ll show them by our actions. Love isn’t something you put on a front about. Love isn’t something for show. Love isn’t about position and reputation. And we can’t let any of that get into our minds. It won’t be easy to break this news, but it has to be done. Let’s tell my parents tonight and then talk to your parents on the weekend. What do you say?”

Rose looked him in the eye and answered, “You’re brave. You’re going to have to hold my hand the whole time or I’ll just plain fall out, I know it. You’ve never seen Daddy when he’s good and mad. I can’t help it Rafe. For all your bravery, I’m scared to death. I don’t know if I can get through it.”

“We still have the option of eloping and just saying we had a ‘honeymoon baby.’ I’ll leave with you tonight if you say the word,” Rafe countered.

“No,” she responded, suddenly firm. “No. That’s cowardly, and I see that. We have to go forward on the truth.” Her eyes were steely and determined.

“I’ll pick you up at 7 o’clock. Wear your prettiest dress.” Rafe smiled and kissed her lightly on the lips. “Jump in. It’s almost time for you to be home from school. No need to set off any inquiries right now.”

They got into the car and sped off for Caswell Farms, the biggest cotton farm in Lenoir County. Rafe dropped Rose at the bottom of the high-columned front porch steps.

“Love you…see you later,” she said as she turned and started up the steps to the porch. She turned back to Rafe, leaned against a column and gave a little wave. Rafe blew her a kiss, then started back down the drive.

Near the end of the long lane, Rafe saw a small commotion off to the right in his peripheral vision. He slowed down and looked more carefully. Stuart Jefferson Caswell, Rose’s older brother, was openly berating one of the farm hands. Rafe could see that his face was red, eyes bulging, and though Rafe couldn’t make out his words, his voice was loud and angry. Rafe was a little afraid that Stuart was going to hit the farm hand, but surely Stu would know better than to pull such a stunt.

As he continued driving home, Rafe realized how unsettled the Stuart situation had left him. Stu had looked like a man gone berserk. God only knew what the farm hand had done or not done to deserve such a tongue lashing, but just wait till he heard about Rose. If this was any indication, Stu might be harder to tell than Rose’s parents.

His mother was in the kitchen getting supper together when he walked in the door. She was an excellent cook, and Rafe knew he would miss her fine meals when he and Rose had a home of their own. Rose was not adept in the kitchen. She had never had to do much cooking because the Caswells employed a cook.

“Mother is far too busy with community charity work to spend time in the kitchen,” Rose once told him. “My cooking skills could use some improvement, too,” she had said, blushing.

That had never bothered Rafe. He knew how to cook a little and had always figured his own mom could teach Rose to cook if Rose wanted to learn. He had decided a long time ago that Rose would have the freedom to choose for herself. She wanted to go to State so she could have a career – cooking might never be her forte, and that was fine. Times were changing for women.

“Hey Rafe,” his mother called out as he walked into the kitchen. “Been out with Rose?”

His mother liked Rose a lot. The two of them would sit and talk while he and his dad watched baseball or football on TV, and it seemed like the ladies couldn’t have cared less that the men were otherwise preoccupied. Rose and his mom were like two old friends, really, and it made him happy. They were connected.

“What’s for dinner, Mom? I’m starved.”

“Pot roast with carrots and potatoes. Apple pie for dessert.”

“What’s up after dinner?” he asked. “Do you guys have anything planned?”

“No. Why?” Mom questioned.

“I thought I’d bring Rose over for a while and we could all spend the evening together.”

Rafe’s mother eyed him suspiciously. At least that’s how it seemed to him…almost as if she already knew something was amiss.

“Well, it’s still a school night so obviously you two can’t be here real late, but of course you can bring Rose over. She’s always welcome here.” His mom smiled in a way that put Rafe’s fears to rest.

“Great. I’m going to put my junk upstairs and I’ll be back down to help you get things around,” Rafe said.

“Well my, my. That’s the first time you’ve offered to help in the kitchen for a while. I’ll take you up on it.”

Rafe went to his room and crashed on the bed for a few minutes. He knew in his heart of hearts that his parents would be disappointed that his married life was starting after a baby was already on the way, but they would never do anything like throw him out on his ear or threaten to not help with college, or so many of the other things he had heard guys talk about. He had known more than one older guy who had gotten a girl pregnant, but most of them had gone off somewhere to get rid of the child. Some went to see backwoods doctors who knew how to do abortions, either with a potion or sometimes with instruments. Rafe had heard tales of girls who were so badly butchered up they could never have a baby in the future, even if they wanted one.Other girls put their babies up for adoption. Only a very few of the unwed couples he knew had gotten married, and most of them didn’t have a union that lasted long.

“That can’t happen to us,” he said to the ceiling. “That won’t happen to us.”

He jumped up, energized with the mission of protecting Rose and their child. He joined his mother in the kitchen and began to set the table. He moved automatically, lost in his own thoughts about how to find the right words to share the news with his parents.

After dinner ended and the dishes were done, Rafe went to pick up Rose. She was waiting for him on the front steps of the Caswell home, looking beautiful in a yellow dress. She barely waited for him to stop before she had her hand on the door handle.

“Let’s get out of here,” she said.

Rafe stepped on the gas and when they got to the end of the long driveway, he asked, “What’s the matter? Why are you in such a hurry to ‘get out of here’?”

“It’s so horrible. Stu got in a fight with one of the farm hands today. Wesley Ammons - Stu beat him bloody. Then he fired him. He accused Wesley of stealing, which Wes denied, and Stu went crazy. Daddy’s about to have a stroke; he’s afraid Stu will be arrested.”

“Oh, man. I saw that happening today when I dropped you off from school. I could tell that Stu was upset, but I never thought it would come to blows. I kind of wish I’d gone over and broken it up,” Rafe said quietly. “I never would have dreamed….”

“You don’t know Stu that well. He’s a hot head for sure. If you lived with him every day of your life, you’d know what I mean,” Rose answered.

“That doesn’t make it any easier to tell your family about the baby. We’re going to have to have a plan, I think.” Rafe became quiet and concentrated on the road.

Rose was quiet, too, then said, “Maybe you’re right about running away.”

“Well, we’re telling my parents tonight – right now – so we have to make a decision pretty quickly,” Rafe said. “You know I’ll do whatever you think is best.”

Rose seemed to shrink back in the seat of his car. “No, no…I keep trying to take the chicken’s way out. We’re going to be fine, but it’s just not going to be easy.”

“Ok. The decision is made…no going back.” Rafe reached over for Rose’s hand. It was ice cold.

“Don’t be nervous. My mom and dad love you and will be happy you’re going to be their daughter-in-law. It might not be happening the way they wanted it, but they’ll be ok.” Rafe sounded more confident than he felt right at that moment.

“I hope you’re right,” Rose answered as they pulled into the Whitfield’s driveway and parked the car.

Rafe opened the passenger side door and helped Rose out of the car. He gave her a quick kiss and put something in her hand.

“For luck,” he said.

Rose smiled.It was a lovely glass pendant, containing a four-leaf clover. “For luck,” she agreed.