Naked Hearts

Growing up I was taught that gossip was wrong, that it killed the soul with every sharp, foul word that left your mouth, and as I went through life, I came to agree.

“I heard he went to jail because he killed someone.” A girl said from the pew behind me.

“Yeah, I heard he was involved in fight clubs back in the cities.” one of her friends added.

I rolled my eyes at the rumors they ate up and spit out. All anyone talked about these days was the new kid in town. It was a small town, so naturally there would be talk that a stranger had come, but this was different. I hadn’t seen much of him, but when I saw him in passing he seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, like he would break if anyone were to touch him. He always kept his head down, and he never talked to anyone; it made him seem so dark and distant. Every time I would pass by him I wanted to have the courage to say something him, to welcome him here, but that courage never came. I would just watch him walk by and kick myself for it later. I didn’t want to be like everyone else who kept their distance and just gossiped; I wanted to be better than that, but the more I walked away, the more I felt like everyone else.

I sighed and couldn’t help but think how funny it was that most of the gossip in this town started at church. The people that are supposed to be welcoming are the same people that will make an outcast of you in a split second. They would never say anything rude to your face of course, but they didn’t have to. You could see it in the way they looked at you, and in the way their body language shifted whenever you would walk by. Personally, I think they do those things because they are all uncomfortable with the idea of a visible sin; they want so badly to keep their imperfections a secret, that anyone who shows their imperfections becomes a stain on their ideal Christian community. It was sad really; to see so many people hiding behind masks, masks that had become so much a part of them that to even think of taking it off would mean an identity crisis.

“Sam pay attention!” my best friend, Jasmine, said snapping me out of my thoughts. I sighed and turned my focus back on the pastor. He just never says anything worth listening to anymore. When he talks it’s superficial and meaningless. I wanted church to be so raw it exposed my brokenness, but instead I just got a pastors version of a self-help book with a few Bible verses sprinkled in between. I just came for Jasmine and my dad.

I felt Jasmine grab my arm and squeeze it. “Ouch, what the heck? I’m paying attention.” I said pushing her off of me and rubbing my arm.

She just shook her head, and soon I saw everyone’s head turning to see who was showing up late to the party. When Jasmine nodded her head toward what was causing the commotion, what I saw both shocked and captivated me.

It was the new kid. I had never seen him in church before, but there he was, walking in late, seeming to not have a care in the world. He took a seat, pretending like he didn’t notice the people staring at him; like he had gotten used to the commotion his presence caused. What was it about him? We had plenty of new people come and go, but none of them were talked about like he was. Was it his criminal record? The way he did his hair? His sleeve of tattoos? Probably all of the above considering the age of most of the people in our congregation I thought laughing to myself.

There was something about him though. Something that made me want to say hi all those other times I passed by him, and I just couldn’t help but stare at him along with everyone else. None of the guys here carried themselves like he did, none of them held a depth about them like he did. In a place that manufactured plastic; he was the porcelain. He was real, he could break, he had sins, and he wasn’t afraid of it. I couldn’t look away, and when he turned to look at me, I wasn’t even ashamed. I didn’t look away like I had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I just continued to stare, and as soon as his eyes caught mine, my breath got caught in my throat. It wasn’t love at first sight like some cliché novel I wish I was a part of; it was just pure empathy, and the shock of feeling his pain.

His eyes looked like a sky without stars; tormented and broken, there was nothing but darkness. I felt like I should turn away, like I was peeking in on something private, but I just couldn’t look away. He drew me in. I was caught up in his brokenness, and it was beautiful.

“Sam!” Jasmine said hitting my arm.

The new boy looked away and I turned towards Jasmine. “Huh?” I asked annoyed that she took me out of my thoughts.

“Sam, you can’t do that. You can’t just stare openly at the new kid.” She whispered as the pastor finished up his sermon.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “Everyone was starting, I wasn’t the only one.” I knew what she meant though. She didn’t want me to feel for him, she just wanted me to be curious from a distance like everyone else.

She rolled her eyes and said “I know you better than that. You didn’t look at him like everyone else did. Stay away Sammy. You always had a habit of trying to fix what’s broken, but he isn’t someone you should get involved with. Seriously Sam, he is dangerous. He did go to jail, that’s not just a rumor.”

“Okay Jas, fine. I won’t approach the new kid.” I said crossing my heart. I would do anything to be done with this conversation. She looked skeptical, but I had yet to break a promise to her, and she knew that.

“Good.” She said, finally turning her attention back to the pastor.

I sat in silence as the pastor closed in prayer, but all I could think about was the new kid. Was he really just something I wanted to fix, or was there more? There had to be more; I could feel it. I didn’t have the urge to make his pain go away when I saw his starless eyes, I just wanted to know him. I wanted to know why I felt like I finally saw someone who could understand me. Someone who could look at me, see my flaws, and still find me beautiful. It was something I craved in a town where I felt like the real me would only receive shame.

As we walked out of church, I watched the new kid walk out, and I was starting to feel like a stalker. He just looked so alone, and I knew how terrible it felt to feel alone. I didn’t want anyone to ever feel like they didn’t belong somewhere, and this was a town where that was an easy thing to feel. “Why did we brand him a leper?” I asked turning to Jasmine with a frown. Why would she ask me to stay away? For my safety? For my reputation? What?

She just laughed thinking my analogy was funny, but when she turned to me and saw how serious I was she stopped and said “Are you serious Sam? He went to jail, and has yet to act friendly towards anyone. We are just looking out for each other in this town.”

I called BS on the looking out for each other. I never felt like the people here had my best intentions at heart. “I just feel bad for him.” I stated, not wanting to argue with her further about it.

“You can’t save all the lost puppies in the world.” She said smiling while wrapping an arm around my shoulder.

I gave her a small smile, knowing that she meant well, and decided to just bite my tongue. I knew I couldn’t save everyone, and I didn’t want to. What she would never understand is that maybe I just wanted to know him because on the inside I felt just as lost as he looked. I didn’t say anything back as we continued the walk back home. I felt like if she realized just how broken I actually was, she would never look at me the same.

The nice thing about a small town, was that when the weather was nice you could walk just about anywhere. I lived a block away from the church, so walking home with Jas had become somewhat of a tradition. I was ready to go home and just chill in my room after my little chat with Jas, but as soon as I saw my house coming into view my heart constricted in my chest and my room no longer seemed so inviting. I wanted nothing more than to run away, far away, to a different town, different state, anywhere but there. I knew my mom would be waiting for me at the kitchen table with a list of reasons why I shouldn’t go to church, and a million reasons why I should hate God. After all, he did take my father away from us. I knew she was speaking out of her pain, but that didn’t make hearing her badgering any easier.

“You don’t have to go home just yet Sammy. You can stay at my house for a while.” Jasmine said with a knowing look that reminded me why I loved her. Even if I thought some of her ideas were a little sheltered or naive, I couldn’t deny that she had a big heart.

“No, I’m just prolonging the inevitable.” I said with a half-hearted smile as we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. It was nice that she lived so close so I could go over there whenever, but I knew I needed to face what awaited me at home. If worse came to worse I could just run a block over to Jas’s house.

I took a deep breath and put my hand around the door handle. Sometimes going home was the worst part of my day.

Home, I thought laughing bitterly to myself. Home used to be a place I longed for. Everyone was happy, and every trial that came our way we would work through together. But now it’s like a cloud hangs over my house, suffocating every happy notion. I braced myself as I walked through the front door, and sure enough my mom was there, waiting for me.

“Why do you insist on going there?” My mom began with her arms crossed over her chest. “They’re all hypocrites, with their fake smiles saying they will pray for you, but they don’t really care. They just wanted to make sure they were fulfilling their Christian duty so they could feel better about themselves. The only comfort they brought us was in the form of a Bible verse saying everything happens for a reason. What kind of comfort is that? Would it really have been so hard for them to mourn with us?”

She tried to continue her rant, but I stopped her. “Mom just stop. I’m eighteen now, and I don’t go to church for the people there. I go for me and my own faith. You can’t stop me from going.” I said walking past her towards my bedroom. I agreed with her about the people there; they weren’t the most genuine people in the world, and they really did nothing to comfort us during that time, but it wasn’t fair of her to view the entire religion through the lens of a one time experience with broken people. She was speaking from a place of bitterness and anger towards the people, and my church experience isn’t about them.

I heard my mom sigh from behind me, and I stopped just before entering my room. “No one is perfect mom. They are only doing what they think is right, and even though we both know how they act is wrong, it doesn’t make them evil people; it just means their lenses are a little scratched.” I said quietly with my back still towards her.

“You’ve grown so much.” I heard her whisper, and for the first time in years I felt like she saw me. I could hear the regret in her voice, and it was like she was finally realizing just how much of my life she had missed by being stuck in her grief. I wanted to be angry with her for not being motherly after he died, and for leaving me to walk myself through the grieving process alone, but I just couldn’t. The thought of feeling anger towards her only left me feeling guilty and selfish.

My heart broke for her. I lost a father, but she lost a husband; her partner. After I left for college she would be all alone. I sighed and walked into my bedroom where my drawings covered the walls. Drawings of people, flowers, landscapes, anything that took me away for awhile and helped me let go. I sat down on my bed, and took out my sketch pad, hoping that maybe, just maybe, I could draw away my pain. Healing from a lost parent is a long journey, and it’s even harder when the loss of one parent made you lose the other.

My throat started to close as I tried to fight the tears. I was so sick and tired of crying. I felt my anger bubbling up inside of me at the notion of more tears being shed over this situation. I quickly took out a pencil, and I don’t know what came over me, but while hoping to drown out my pain, I decided to draw the boy who seemed to have the most. The new guy who had the weight of the world on his shoulders. I drew his starless brown eyes, his short black hair, and finally, I drew his scar that I didn’t even realize I noticed. The time flew by, and when I finally looked at the clock it was already 3:o0pm. I traced the scar that ran down from his ear to his collarbone on my paper and sighed.

Looking at the finished picture made my heart do something funny, and I felt a smile creep across my face. I couldn't help but think about how cute he was and how much I wanted him to notice me as much as I noticed him. I shook my head and laughed at myself, realizing that I was definitely the stalker that I thought I was, and left the sketch on my bed while I pulled my hair up in a ponytail to go on a walk. I needed to clear my head from all of this, and the best way to do that was to go to the park. We had trails by my house that led into different neighborhoods, and about a 10 minute walk away from my house was a little park in a clearing, surrounded by trees and a neighborhood street. “Mom I’m going for a walk!” I shouted as I slipped my shoes on.

I heard her footsteps coming closer while I was getting ready to head out the door, and when I looked up and saw my mom she immediately wrapped me in a hug. I was taken back but hugged her anyway, and I felt my shirt absorb her tears. “I’ll come next week.” she mumbled. “For you I’ll come.”

“Thanks.” I said with a small smile. I didn’t really know how to react; I honestly couldn’t recall the last time she showed me any affection. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but maybe this was a step in a better direction. Maybe today she finally realized what she was missing, and I would get my mom back. I pulled away from her smiling and watched her walk to her room before I walked out the door. I just needed to get out and think; I needed to gather my thoughts, and figure out how to deal with everything. With my crazy thoughts of Damion, with the new attitude my mother has taken on, with my feelings towards Jasmine and my church, just everything.

As I stepped outside and the sun hit my face I instantly felt my spirits lift. The sun had a way of taking away all of my stress, and filling me with a type of peace that nothing else offered. It gave me warm chills that spread from my head to my toes as I breathed in the warm air, and I started walking towards the park with a smile on my face. For a long time my family was the talk of the town. People were always talking, saying things like “Have you seen Rose lately?“, “I heard she is in a deep depression.“, “Poor Sam.“, “Can you blame her?” I couldn’t help but think that my mom’s return to the church would bring about a similar kind of talk.

I saw the park coming into view as I headed down the sidewalk and I smiled. It was just a simple park that connected to some old soccer fields, but to me, it was beautiful. I loved to just sit on the swings and close my eyes and think about better days. Days when my father was alive, days when my mom would wake me up early to bake with her, days when I didn’t feel like a piece of me was missing. He died when I was 15 years old. I was old enough to remember him, but since he was in the army we didn’t get to make that many memories together. The best memories I have of him are at church or at this playground.

I sighed and grabbed the chains of the swing. “I miss you dad.” I whispered to myself as I sat down. There was just a row of swings and two slides, but my dad always managed to make this place feel like a jungle gym. We would never tell my mom, but he taught me to climb up on top of the swing set, and whenever I jumped off it felt like I was flying. I would always land in his warm embrace, and I think that’s what I miss most about him: his hugs. My eyes started to water and a lump formed in my throat but I pushed it down. I didn’t want to cry about it anymore. It had been 3 years since he died, and sometimes it still felt like yesterday.

As I began to swing back and forth I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else besides my dad. I immediately pictured the new boy, and mentally smacked myself for how much I was letting this guy plague my thoughts. I had never talked to him a day in my life, but here I was daydreaming about him. I could see him so clearly in my mind, and as much as he intrigued me and I was curious about his past, it was more than that. I wanted to touch him, to intimately know every pattern on his sleeve tattoo, and I wanted to be someone he confided in. I was attracted to him, and I wanted him to find me attractive too. I wanted him to find my personality attractive just as I found his personality so enchanting, and I wanted him to find me physically attractive just as I found him physically attractive. I felt so weird admitting that to myself, and it definitely made me feel like a creeper.

I didn't know him at all! No words had ever been exchanged between us, but I wanted him. There wasn't any point in denying it, not to myself at least. Besides, I knew it would probably never become anything. He was out of my league, he probably never even noticed me, and maybe all of that was for the best. I mean maybe Jas was right and he was trouble.

Trying to change my train of though yet again, my thoughts went to my mom and her sudden change of heart. I smiled as I considered the possibility that maybe my prayers were coming true. Maybe my life was finally changing, and she could be a mom again. I heard her voice change today, I felt her see me today, and all of those things gave me hope for our future.

I let out a long breath taking in all the sunlight I could, and when I opened my eyes I felt more at ease than I had in a long time. There was a peace that washed over me as I sat in the sun with no one else in sight. That was the thing about small towns, sometimes it could feel like you were the only one living there, and other times it feels like you couldn’t possibly get away from anyone.

Feeling a lot better than I had before I came to the park, I jumped off the swings, and as I turned around I just about peed my pants. “Holy crap!” I shouted holding a hand over my heart feeling it pound beneath my fingers. “How long have you been here?” I asked taking a step back still clutching my chest. It was the new boy just looking at me with a smirk on his face. Did he think it was cute to scare the crap out of me? I mean it was kind of creepy if he was just watching me the whole time. How had I not heard him?

He seemed to study me before he answered, and said “I don’t know, how long were you staring at me in church before I noticed?”

I genuinely laughed for the first time all day and my heart continued pounding, but this time for a different reason. “Touché’.” I said smiling at him. Now that I could actually look at him outside of the darkened church I realized that he was way cuter than I first thought. His tanned skin and brown eyes made him look almost Filipino, and his black hair only accentuated it. It seemed like all the guys in my town had hockey hair, and most of them were the epitome of a stereotypical dick, but he had a tapered haircut and he pushed it all to one side with gel. It was different, and I kinda liked it.

“I saw you in church today.” he said taking a step towards me. “You looked at me differently than everyone else there. They all looked at me with shock or disdain, but you? You looked at me with something akin to empathy.”

I was taken back by his comment. I thought I was the stalker, but maybe we were both paying close attention to each other. Butterflies erupted in my stomach at the thought of that, and I tried my best to suppress a grin. “I guess I have been in a similar situation before and I didn’t enjoy it.” I said walking past him.

He grabbed my hand making my heart jump in my throat, and suddenly all of Jas's warning came flooding back to me. “Sorry.” He said instantly dropping my hand. “I um, I don’t know why I did that.” He said rubbing the back of his neck. I tried to stifle my laughter because he was clearly feeling awkward about it, but I couldn't help it, there was just something funny about a guy like him looking sheepish. “I guess I just wanted to hear that story. There seemed to be more to your comment.”

I gave him a small smile and he seemed to relax, but now that Jas's warnings were running through my head I couldn't shut them up. In my heart I knew he wasn’t dangerous, especially after his little moment right there, but I just couldn’t get my mind to slow down. “There is always more to every story.” I said with a sad smile. “Listen, I should go, but it was nice talking to you, ummm”

“Damion.” he said.

“Sam.” I said back with a hesitant smile.

“Short for Samantha?” he asked.

I shook my head and said “Just Sam.”

“Always more, huh.” he said. I could see it in his eyes. The fear that I was afraid of him too. That I would turn out to be like everyone else, and maybe I would. I mean what was I doing now? I was about to run, just like everyone else.

“Yup, always more. Um, I’ll see you in church next week maybe?” I asked feeling a pang of guilt as I started to walk away from him. I could see a flicker of hope in his eyes when he nodded back, but I turned around and continued my walk back home. I wanted to look back and apologise for being such a prick, but I just couldn't swallow my pride. I had the perfect opportunity to show him I wasn't like everyone else, and I botched it.

My walk back home was depressing to say the least. All I wanted earlier was for him to see something in me and be attracted to me like I was to him, and when I got confirmation that he not only noticed me, but saw that I was different from everyone else, I ran. I hated myself for being such a coward and letting my fear ruin an amazing opportunity. I just hoped I didn’t ruin my one and only chance with him by running away. Maybe that hope I saw in his eyes would be enough for him to talk to me again. If anything, this experience made me realize how much I actually wanted this guy. Feeling like I lost him really woke me up to the fact that I couldn't let him go again.

As soon as I closed the door to my house behind me, I called Jas. I needed to unload on someone, and I wasn’t sure me and my mom were quite at that level yet. “Jas, you’ll never believe who I ran into at the park!” I said as soon as she answered the phone. She was always so eager to talk about guys, and I wanted to talk with her like two normal high school girls discussing our latest crushes. I wanted her to be my best friend and make me spill all of my thoughts and feelings; I needed it. I needed to know that there was still something left for Jas and I to bond over.

“Don’t tell me, is it new boy?” she asked. I could practically see her roll her eyes at me and smile through the phone.

“His name is Damion, Jas. I feel so dumb, not only do I think I have a school girl crush on a guy I know nothing about, I practically ran away from him when he wanted to have a conversation. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about him, but it’s driving me insane. I want to talk to him, get to know him, and be a normal teenager with crazy hormones for once.” I said giggling at my own rant.

She practically blew my ear drum out when she screamed, “What? Since when have you ever wanted to talk about guys like this? Who are you and what have you done with Sammy?”

I laughed and said, “I don’t know to be honest. I’ve never been interested in any guy like this. I mean maybe I’m going crazy. Like you said, he was in jail, and I’m totally not a risk taker, but there is just something there.” The feelings I was having were scaring me. I always pictured myself finding a guy in college who would be a good, stable, Christian, and wouldn't have insane baggage like I did, and this was so not the case. A frown swept over my face as the reason I really ran away hit me like a ton of bricks. I would be lying to myself if I said I was scared of his possible record; that didn’t bother me at all. What did bother me though, was that liking him scared me. He wasn’t the guy I pictured myself with, but here I was picturing myself with him anyway.

“You really think there is something special about this new kid? And I didn’t mean to make you promise that in church; it was wrong. I just didn’t want you to be the center of the town talk again. I know how much that hurt you.” She said with a sigh. I smiled and forgot about Damion for a moment as I thought about how comforting it was to be able to talk with her like this. She wasn’t judging me for having a crush on a guy I didn’t know, and when it counted, she always showed me she cared. We didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, and there were things I just couldn’t talk to her about because she didn’t get where I was coming from, but when it came to guys, that we could bond over.

“I know Jas, but I don’t mind it anymore. They are just people who have nothing better to do with their lives than talk about other people. I think we should both get to know him. I mean he seemed super sweet.” I said thinking back to when he grabbed my hand.

“I love you girl, and you know I’m always looking out for you. If you want to befriend him then I guess I have no choice but to befriend him too. Hey, uh my mom is calling me, so I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Of course.” I said and hung up with a smile on my face. Things between me and Jas have been rocky lately, but maybe me developing a crush was exactly what we needed to find some common ground again. There was a darker part of me that snuck up in the back of my mind and hated that this is what it took for us to be able to talk like friends again. It made me wonder whether we were even really friends. What if the crush only lasted a week, what would Jas and I have then? I quickly shut down those thoughts though when I thought of how much I knew Jas loved me. Maybe we weren’t the same, but we didn’t need to be.

Turning my thoughts over to happier things, I thought of Damion and if I would ever get a second chance with him. Maybe I burnt a bridge before it was even built by running away. I didn’t want to wait a whole other week until I saw him again. “He probably thinks you hate him.” I mumbled to myself, regretting how quickly my fear had me running away. I knew jail was a whole hell of a lot different than prison, most likely it wasn’t a violent crime that got him there. Maybe he just stole something? I groaned and jumped onto my bed. What was it with him? Why couldn’t I just stop thinking about it?

Maybe it was a crush I was developing, but more than that I think I just wanted another friend in this town. I wasn’t exactly popular, and in a small town like this one, if you aren’t popular you aren’t anything. I was so thankful it was my senior year, so I could finally leave this place soon. School was a nightmare: the drama, the gossip, the politics of it all, it was gross. Ever since I can remember it was just Jas and I. We had other friends, but they were really just Jas’s friends. My family moved here when I was just going into 3rd grade, and being the new kid in a small town sucks. Jas was the first person who talked to me while everyone else just stared at me like I was some sort of alien. She was like that though; always making friends and talking to anyone and everyone. I guess once Jas took me under her wing everyone became more accepting of me. Jas was loved by everyone, but her popularity didn’t quite rub off on me. I never really fit in with that crowd. I don’t wear a ton of makeup, it’s a miracle if I show up to school looking put together, and I’m not one to join the gossip. In fact, I tend to speak my mind, and that never got me very far.

I decided that after I ate dinner I would go to the park again just to cool off. There wasn’t much to do in a small town, so a night out for me often involved the park. I just needed to get out and think a little bit about all of this. I mean, even if my crush on him amounted to nothing, I at least wanted to be his friend. I groaned at all of the expectations I was putting on this one guy. In my heart of hearts I was expecting him to take away my loneliness, to make me feel wanted when no one else did, and to fill this gaping hole in my chest that has grown every time someone has hurt me.

I have always been level headed, and I have definitely never been one to freak out over boys, so why all of this now? I started to feel so stupid about myself as I walked to the kitchen to rummage through cupboards. What was I thinking? Did I want to be his friend? Yes. Was I hoping to see him again? Yes. But somewhere in the back of my mind I lead myself to believe that he would be my knight and shining armor and that he would take me away from this place, but that was stupid of me. Not only did I know nothing about him, but how could he be my savior when I knew he needed one of his own.

Finally finding some cookie krisp cereal, I sat down at the table by myself with a large bowl and ate my feelings. I kept reminding myself that life isn’t like my books; it’s hard and complicated, and at the end of the day I can’t put my happiness in a person. I closed my eyes as I took my last bite of cereal and silently prayed that something good would come from all of this. That if nothing else, we could help heal each other because God knows I’ve been needing help. I just wanted a human who understood me.

“Mom, I’m going to the park again.” I yelled. When I didn’t hear anything I walked into her bedroom where I found her asleep on some of my dad’s old clothes. I sighed and shut the door. Some of my hope for us rebuilding a relationship vanished. She only took out those clothes on bad days, and I wasn’t so sure I could deal with being the mom for much longer. I comforted her on these days all the time, but where is the person who is supposed to comfort me? I cried out to God in my head as I slipped my jacket on and begged him to send me a comforter, because as much as he helped me through these years, I needed a human’s comfort now.

I pulled my jacket closer to me as I walked out the door. Everything felt so different with sun setting and the moon rising to take its place. Though the sun brought me peace, the moon offered a sort of safety. I felt hidden in it, less exposed, like I could pour my heart out to the moon and it would keep all my secrets. No one could read my face, no one could see my tears, and I could be me, free from the judgement of the world. Yes, the moon and I were friends. The sun looked down on me in sympathy, but the moon, he joined me in empathy.

I could finally see the park in view, and I don’t know what drove me to hope that Damion would be there waiting for me, but I think a part of me wanted him to be the only one to see me in the dark. I shook my head and reminded myself that I needed to stop fantasizing about him. He probably didn’t even think twice about me after the stunt I pulled earlier. I was probably never on his mind like he was on mine.

I sat down on the same swing that I was on earlier that day, and just breathed in the night air. It had an almost supernatural calming effect, and I appreciated it after the roller coaster of emotions that drove me here. It helped me let go of my fears and expectations. I no longer cared whether Damion thought about me or not. It was just me, and I was comfortable with it just being me. God seemed to always give me what I needed when I needed it, and I needed this. I needed to understand that being alone was okay. That eventually, on God’s time, I would find the person who would help fill me and become my other half.

Soon twenty minutes had passed and the only thing to light my way home was the moon. I closed my eyes and smiled. Tonight had been just what I needed. No thoughts of Damion or my mom, just me, the swings, the night sky, and God. This time when I opened my eyes, I just prayed that whatever was meant to be would be.

“What is it about those swings?” I heard a familiar voice ask.

I jumped off the swings and turned around to see him standing there, the boy that had previously consumed my thoughts stood right there, and damn my heart, but I felt like maybe it was meant to be. As if this were the sign from God that I had been asking for moments earlier. I smiled and said “Is this going to become a habit? You sneaking up on me?”

He smirked and said “That all depends on you. Do you want me to make it a habit?”

My heart stopped beating for a moment. What did I want? I just had a perfect night where I realized being alone was okay, but maybe I needed that realization in order to do whatever it was that this may or may not be. My mind was swimming, but I had to make a choice. I mean what did I have to lose, right? “Umm yeah, I think I would like that.” I said awkwardly rubbing my arm over my jacket. I wish I could say I was cold, but really I just didn’t know what to do. All those days passing by him and I was finally talking to him, and this time I wasn’t going to run away. It seemed silly that now in the dark I felt safer with him than I did in the light, but I had time to think while the sun went down, and now I was ready.

He nodded his head with a slight smile and started to walk over to a bench that looked out over the old soccer feilds. I stood there awkwardly for a while before I decided to follow him over there, and for a while we just sat in silence until I decided to break it. “Damion let’s make a deal.” I said turning to face him.

“And what kind of deal would that be?” he asked looking over at me with those same starless eyes that both broke and captured me.

“That every night we meet here. We share stories, and for a moment of our lives we have no problems, no pain. Just us.” I said looking down at my hands. Even if we weren’t meant to be, all I really wanted was a friend who understood me and wouldn’t judge me, and maybe he could be that for me.

He nodded his head and said “Yeah. Okay, I would like that.”

I smiled and said “Cool. So, what do you want to know first?”

“Tell me about your name.” he said leaning back and putting his arms up on the back of the bench. I was overcome with an instinct to lean into him, but quickly shook that thought from my mind. Just friends Sam, get it together I told myself bringing my brain back around to his question.

I turned on the bench to face him with my knees held to my chest and started my story. “My dad was in the military so he was gone a lot, but when he came home one day and found out my mom was pregnant with me he was ecstatic. Sadly, he had to leave for another tour not too long after that. When my mom was 8 months along he wrote to her and told her to name me Sam after a friend he had just lost in Iraq. Just Sam. So that’s what my mom did.”

He nodded his head and asked “Do you like it? Being named after a soldier?”

His question took me by surprise. No one had ever asked me that. Normally they just say it’s an awesome story and move on with their lives. I took a moment to really think about it and said, “I feel like it’s an honor to be named after a soldier, but at the same time I feel like my name was never about me. They weren’t naming me, they were remembering a part of the past. The day my life began, I was already old. I’m basically a memorial.” I said with a laugh. “I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s great that they could honor him that way, but I don’t know. I guess I don’t feel connected to my name. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, Samantha, it does.” I looked at him as he said it and when our eyes met it was like he was really seeing me. Like he really did understand. I smiled and my heart started beating a mile a minute. I had never told anyone how I felt about my name, and the minute I told it to a perfect stranger he answered me perfectly. To him I was Samantha, and I think I loved it. I broke eye contact with him and stood up trying to get all my thoughts together again and said, “Well I guess I should get going, but before I do maybe we could exchange numbers?”

He laughed and stood up next to me pulling the phone out of his pocket. "So you aren't afraid of me?" he asked.

He said it like it was a joke, but I knew he was serious. I could feel his nerves surrounding me as he waited for my answer.

I was scared, but not of him. I was scared of what he made me feel and if I could truly only be his friend. "I'm not afraid of you one bit." I said confidently, looking into his tentative eyes.

It took a few seconds, but he eventually smiled and nodded his head. “So what’s your number, Samantha?” He asked ready to type it into his phone.

“507-221-4008” I said looking over his shoulder to make sure he typed it in correctly. When I was sure he typed it correctly I couldn’t help but smile when I saw he put my number under the name Samantha. It might have been a little thing to anyone else, but to me, it was huge. It meant he listened to what I said and took my feelings seriously. Not only did he take them seriously, but he said something he thought would make it better. I don’t remember the last time anyone understood me well enough to do that. “So what’s your number?” I asked ready to take out my phone, but before I could I felt it vibrate.

When I looked down at my screen I couldn’t help but grin like an idiot.

612-331-4258:

I had a great time tonight… can’t wait for tomorrow

“Wow, never mind. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?” I asked mortified that he just saw the effect one of his texts had on me. I literally must have looked like such a love-struck fool.

“We will definitely see each other tomorrow Samantha. Goodnight.” He said as he turned his back and started to walk towards what I assumed was his house.

The whole walk home felt surreal. I just made plans to hang with a practical stranger who made me feel like I have known him for years. I think I’ve definitely lost my mind. For sure, 100% lost my mind. I didn’t know how old he was, if he goes to school, if he will go to school here, if he’s graduated, why he went to jail. I just didn’t know any of it, but there was a voice in the back of my head that told me it was okay and I would eventually find out. I mean regardless, school was starting up in about a week, and I would know more then.

When I finally got home the house was quiet and dark, and I was thankful for it. I wanted nothing more than to jump into bed, cocoon myself in blankets, and sleep off this crazy Sunday. Making sure not to make a sound, I quickly got ready for bed in my trusty cow pajamas that I have had since like the 9th grade. It was just a simple blue tank with white shorts that had cows all over them, but they were worn in and made me feel at home as weird as that is.

As I jumped into bed I couldn’t help but wonder what lies ahead of me. I felt like a kid on the night of Christmas Eve waiting for what will be under the tree in the morning; I couldn’t wait to see what my life would hold tomorrow, and that was a foreign feeling.