Fix Me

Why am I not wearing black? Why isn’t anyone wearing black? What is wrong with me? Does it always smell like this in here? I feel sick. Why are people laughing? I want to go home. I can’t though. He probably won’t answer if I call. To be honest, if I were to call myself right now, I wouldn’t answer either. Is it always this cold in here? The sound of bottles popping open makes me feel nauseated. What are they even laughing about? Are they high? I guess so – it’s already 2 pm.

I move from the couch somehow, without attracting any attention from the others – even Adam. My room – or our room – is warmer, the smoke in the air is thicker in here, probably because the air has not been able to escape with the windows and door shut. My heart is beating fast – too fast. Why is my heart even beating? Wouldn’t it be nice if it were to just stop? I cough. The smoke is creeping down my throat. I can’t breathe. I’m about to fall over, but I am holding on tight to the wall. It’s damp. Why is the wall damp? I manage to lie down on the bed – the sheets covered in weed and alcohol stains. This is disgusting!

What’s the time? My body feels heavy and warm. I take my phone out of my jeans’ pocket. 4 pm. A boy walks into the room. It’s Adam. “Come on, Olly. Come and do shots with me!”

My head hurts so bad, and I feel dizzy. “I’ll come in two minutes, babe,” I answer. I am now feeling quite grossed out by myself. Babe? How lame. I don’t even like him. Nonetheless, the reply apparently works, because he turns around and leaves the room.

There’s a big bag underneath the bed – just what I’m looking for to put some of my clothes in. I now take some money lying on the table and put them in my pocket – there isn’t much. I take my phone too and then open the window with my free hand. I’m nervous. Why is the window so dusty? Oh, probably because we haven’t cleaned it at all since we moved in three years ago. I throw the bag out of the window. It lands on the fire escape.

“Olly, when are you coming?” Adam shouts from the living room. I climb out of the window and close it after me. My heart is beating so fast, and my palms are sweating. The stairs seem endless as I run down them with the bag over my shoulder – step after step, ah, the stairs seem endless. Finally, I can feel the ground under them. My legs give up, and I land hard on the sidewalk knees first. Fuck. I can feel my tears trickling down now.

I manage to get my phone out of my pocket. 11% left. My fingers are shaking as I am trying to dial his number. I feel dizzy. My heart is beating fast. Something inside of me hopes he won’t pick up. I hear his voice. My phone almost slips out of my hand.

A car drives up to the sidewalk, and he walks out. Dad. He comes up to me and looks at me straight in the eye.

“Are you drunk?” he asks coldly.

“I haven’t had anything today,” I reply and stare down at the ground to escape eye contact. He picks up my bag and puts it carefully in the trunk of the car. I try to stand up, but my legs are shaking underneath, and my knees are in pain. He helps me up and leads me to the passenger seat without saying anything.

The car journey is long. The radio is playing quietly in the background, but I’m not listening. The only thing I can hear is my heart pounding, like the sound of drums banging loudly in my ears. I’m not ready to go home and face my mom and younger brother – I just can’t. Facing Dad has been hard enough, and we haven’t even spoken much yet. My phone starts ringing. It’s Adam. Dad looks over at me as I decline the call and then continues to look out of the windshield.

Which part of town is this? I mean… Just look at the big beautiful houses, with green lawns and nice cars parked out front. I can see the houses and the cars moving past us and out of sight. In a short while, were slowing down outside one such house. They moved a bit after I lost sight of them, but I didn’t know where. I do now.

Dad pulls into the driveway and looks at me again. “It’s Sam’s 10th birthday today. Don’t ruin it,” he tells me firmly and gets out of the car. I do the same. I can’t believe I missed three of Sam’s birthdays. “Come and take your bag, will you?” he continues in a raw tone before taking out a beautiful cake from the trunk. They couldn’t afford getting a cake like that when I turned 10, but I guess a lot has changed. I steal a glance at their house – it’s huge and beautiful.

We walk up to the front door, and he unlocks it with a code. Seriously?

“Why is the door locked? Aren’t they home?” We walk inside, and he places the cake on a counter in the hallway. There’s a wide staircase to my left and a passage opening into what looks like the kitchen.

“They’re in the garden with our neighbors,” he tells me, “You can come and join us, but take a shower first in your bathroom and change into something that smells less of alcohol and drugs.” This is surprising. I haven’t been expecting an invitation.

“Hey…and don’t touch the cake.” He shouts as he walks through the house and leaves me standing alone.

“I like beer, not white frosting with sprinkles,” I shout back, and I hear a little laugh from him. It has been a long time since I last heard him laugh. The door opens followed by the sound of people talking. It stops as soon as the door closes again.

Something suddenly strikes me – he didn’t tell me where my room is. I try to shout after him, but he is already out in the garden. I’m not going out there yet. Instead, I will find out where my room is myself.

I walk up the big staircase and glance down a corridor with a few doors on either side. It’s not as narrow as one may imagine. The corridor is really bright, probably because of the white walls and the big window at the end, with long, light blue curtains on each side. Mom definitely had too much to say. I can feel a smile curving around the corner of my lips. I haven’t seen her in a very long time.

Are one of these rooms mine? This first one on my left must be my parents’ room – there’s a king-sized bed and old-looking flower-printed bedding. Again, I think Mom had had a bit too much to say. That honestly doesn’t surprise me – she has always been such a control freak. At one point, I really thought about asking Dad why he had even married her. But, he had plenty of reason to kick me out already; it would have been stupid of me to add more.

The first door on the right is just a bathroom, then an office, and then Sam’s room. There is one door to the left at the very end of the corridor. I open it, and whoa… there are stairs. Is there a whole other floor in this house? I drop my bag on the floor and walk up the stairs. It’s like a corridor, a very small one, with a door on each side and no windows to light up the little space. The light emerging from the door at the end of the stairs lights up the small corridor. The walls are pale yellow, and the floor is covered with a dark gray carpet. It is clear that Mom has not renovated this part of the house.

I open the door on the left. It’s only a cute little bathroom of a light peach color. I mean, everything in here is peach. I actually like it a bit; it’s cute and small. Don’t they use this part of the house? I open the other door, and there’s my room. There are around twenty boxes with my name on them, stacked on top of each other. So, they have given me the whole loft? He did say your room and your bathroom. So, I guess this is my space. Sick.

The big window at the end of the room is curtained with long, white, see-through drapes. Through the drapes, I can see the garden – it is bigger than I thought it would be when I had earlier seen the house out front

I open the window, and the delicious smell of barbecue hits me. Looking down again, I can see some people sitting around a long, wooden garden table. Dad and another man are standing beside the grill. It looks surprisingly chilled. I don’t like barbecues or dinners like these at all. There are these unwritten rules about how to act, and I follow them like the idiot that I am. Well, everybody follows it. Most people don’t even notice they exist…and those who do – like me – follow them anyway. You know, rules like don’t eat, laugh, or talk too loudly, don’t eat too much but taste a bit of everything, and the last one – and probably the most important one, in my mom’s opinion – don’t show up without some kind of hostess gift. It’s stupid.

A boy is screaming at my dad. Sam. He is standing at the end of the garden and playing soccer with himself. He looks so different. “Dad! Look at me!” Sam shouts, performing a trick with the soccer ball, and the two men smile at him. Then, they continue their conversation beside the barbeque. Sam and I used to play soccer in the old garden for hours – I remember it so clearly –. Back then, we lived in a small house with a very small garden. It was probably as big as my new room, but it was alright. We didn’t care…especially not Sam. I couldn’t stop caring after I turned fourteen. From thereon, everything fell apart I guess.

I began looking at the other kids differently; I began focusing on how much money their parents probably earned. I also began experimenting with my sexuality, which didn’t help me at all. I was pretty weird. I guess that’s why I had just one friend left in my class when I finished primary school. Luckily, I had some friends outside of school – Adam was one of them. I don’t want to think more about the past right now…or even what happened just earlier today. I’m going to my little brother’s 10th birthday, and maybe, I’ll even stay at my family’s house if I don’t mess this dinner up. But first, I have to shower and change into clothes that don’t smell like three years of bad habits.

I am out of the shower, and I check my phone. 5% left. It is 5.30 pm and there are four missed calls from Adam, two from Jacob, and a message from Britney asking where the hell I am. Great. I wrap a towel around my waist and walk out of the bathroom and into my room. The boxes are filled with all my old stuff. I’m not in the mood for looking through them right now. Instead, I’ll just focus on finding the ones that contain clothing.

Some of my old clothes are horrible, and some are not. One thing is clear though – my style has changed a lot. I put on a pair of black jeans and a dark green jumper. There’s a long mirror hanging on the other side of the door. Looking at my reflection, it seems I’ve clearly lost a good amount of weight – My old clothes are now way too big for my little body. My hair is a mess – brown, curly, and still a bit wet from the shower. It’s impossible to fix it. Should I take my nose ring out? I know how much my mom will hate it. Even though she hasn’t seen it before, I just know she will. Dad didn’t react on it…or on my new style in general; also, I think that he expected something much worse than a nose ring and some vintage-looking clothes. Let’s keep it in though. I need something familiar. Everything around feels new.

I walk out of the door. I’m feeling nervous. I’m walking the same way I saw Dad go through the house, following the sound of people talking. This part of the house is quite fancy – an open kitchen, a long dining table, and a nice lounge at the back. Hey, there’s even that piano in the corner I used to play. My heart is beating like earlier, and I feel a little dizzy. This is great. I could really use a cigarette or a beer right now. It’ll calm me down. I can’t see how many people are out there because of the light curtains.

I open the door to the terrace. The voices are getting more audible now. Sam is the first one to spot me as I show up behind the door. He is getting up from his chair and running toward me. His hug is tight… and surprisingly familiar. He has grown so much. Mom’s getting up too.

“Happy birthday,” I tell him. He’s smiling at me. Okay, now I feel a little bad about not having a present or anything. Although, he doesn’t seem to care. Wait… why do I suddenly care? Sam goes back to his chair, and Mom walks closer to me. I’m nervous. Okay, she’s cupping my face with her motherly hands and is stroking my skin gently with her thumb. I’m sweating. Her eyes are watering, and I can see that she’s biting her lower lip.

“Did you find your room?” she asks, giving my shoulders a squeeze before letting them fall to her sides. I nod. I cannot really trust my voice right now. It’s so overwhelming to see her again after so long.

I walk around the table and shake hands. First, Judy, a woman around the same age as my mom, then Charles, Judy’s husband, then Katy, their little girl, then this beautiful girl Sia, who I guess is around my age, and then the last stranger sitting at the end of the table. He is a boy, around my age as well, who I’m assuming is Sia’s boyfriend. He almost ignores me as I stick my hand out, but Sia kicks his leg underneath the table. He shakes my hand without looking at my face. Does he think I’m after his girlfriend or something?

They have left a chair for me beside my mom and in front of Judy. That’s nice… I’m as far away from the boy as possible.

“Olly, can I ask you something?” Sia asks shortly after the food is served.

“Sure, what’s up?” I answer and try my best to ignore the fact that the boy’s eyes are hunting me down.

“It is just because… I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you before,”

“Okay… where?” I ask. I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen her before.

“In the town with that guy, what’s his name…?” She tries to recall the name she was looking for. Now the boy is looking me straight in the eye, and he spits: “Adam.” Like if it is the Devil’s name, and we are sitting in God’s house.

“Yeah, of course!” Sia says loudly. I feel sick. Of course, they know who he is. I was really hoping that I could just have a break from him at this point. But, I guess it’s not possible.

“Thank you, Jaden,” Sia says and looks at Jaden, who is staring down at his plate. Jaden? Is that his name? Why does it sound so familiar?

“Adam? Wasn’t he that guy you dated?” Mom asks, God, there are people around the table. Ugh.

“Yes, and we are still kind of dating, Mom” I reply, feeling gross. I don’t want to be with him anymore, but I can’t really say that we aren’t together before actually breaking up with him.

“Oh. So, is he one of your roommates?” Dad asks me. He can’t fully understand what we are talking about – it’s on his face. I don’t judge him though. I haven’t really given him a chance to follow my life over the last few years.

“Yes, Dad, he was my roommate.”

“Was?” Mom asks, and I look down on my plate. I had promised Dad that I wouldn’t fuck this evening up. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to mention it right now.

“Has Adam moved out of your apartment?” Dad asks. He’s clearly confused now. The others around the table are listening. God, this is uncomfortable.

“No. Adam still lives in the apartment with the others. I’m moving out…” I trail off.

Sam suddenly says, “Are you coming back home?” He looks so happy and smiles at me, but with a little nervousness hiding behind that big bright smile. He’s probably scared that I’m going to say no.

“So, are you?” Mom asks me, and I feel all their eyes on me.

“Yeah… if I may?” A second later, I feel my mom’s embrace from the side.

“Of course, you can, Olly,” Dad answers. They seem almost relieved about me moving back home. That wasn’t what I had expected.

We have finished dinner now. I didn’t really say anything – just sat back in the chair and listened to the others talk about work and life in general. I heard that Dad is still working in the office in town, with Charles, but is getting paid a lot better. Also, Mom has become the executive in the theatre just out of town. That is surprising. I knew she was studying something back then, but I never asked what. I feel so stupid for not knowing.

“Olly and Jaden, can you two maybe get the cake?” Charles asks and I glance over at Jaden. He is staring at me with disgust. I don’t get why he can’t stand me.

“I’ll get it myself. It didn’t look that heavy,” I answer and get up from my chair.

“I will help you,” Sia offers and gets up too. She looks pissed at Jaden. He is just ignoring her. What an idiot. How can such a beautiful girl be with an asshole like him? She’s probably with him because of his physical appearance. I must admit that he is a good-looking dude, although his shitty personality outshines it.

Sia and I walk inside the house. I can hear Charles telling Jaden that he should pack his attitude away or leave. I can’t hear an answer coming from Jaden though because Sia’s just started talking.

“Not to be rude or anything, but is that Adam guy even nice?” She looks at me with pity in her eyes and then down at her shoes.

“He is nicer that Jaden,” I answer. Ouch! That came out a bit colder than expected. But, how could she ask that, when her boyfriend is an idiot too?

“He is my twin. It’s not my choice to be around him.” Twin? Now, I’m really confused.

“Is Jaden your brother?” I ask, feeling quite stupid.

“Yeah, and he is actually not that bad normally.” Why does she stick up for him? He is an asshole.

“Okay, so he just can’t stand me?”

“I don’t know what his problem is, to be honest. But, I do know that you two will become friends at some point.” Sia answers confidently. I don’t want to try to become his friend, and I can only imagine him feeling the same way.

We get the cake from the counter and walk back in silence. Sia is cool enough; I just hope her brother won’t talk her out of hanging out with me.

So, the birthday song for Sam and the cake-eating is done. I didn’t enjoy that much – sweets aren’t really my thing. Now, we are just sitting and talking with blankets around us that Mom got for us all. It’s getting pretty chilly out here… probably because it’s spring. Mom has an arm around me. When was the last time this had happened? It feels nice though.

Suddenly, Jaden decides to say something. To me, of course.

“So, you are pretty close to Adam, right?” he starts. Ugh! I was feeling so at ease. Why does he have to ruin it for me?

“Um… yeah, I guess. Why?” I answer. I’m feeling a little nervous with this sudden attention towards me. What is he up to?

“Then you knew Meghan too, right?” He asks, looking so innocent. How can he even bring that up? Asshole. Doesn’t that guy have any respect?

“Jaden, don’t you dare,” Sia involves herself. She’s looking directly at Jaden now. Does she also know about Meghan? I feel like throwing up, and my palms are sweating.

“Yes, I did,” is all I can answer. My stomach turns, and my head is in a mess. Where is he going with this?

“So, were you at her funeral this morning?” Jaden continues. Anger is brewing in my veins. I can feel tears forming in my eyes, but I ignore them. Why didn’t we go? She didn’t deserve to get buried alone. Mom looks worriedly at me, while Charles tells Jaden to go inside and into his room. Jaden doesn’t stop at this. His eyes are glued to me.

“Is it true that she was raped, or is that just something you guys made up for a bit more attention? I mean, it looks great on Britney’s campaign.” I can feel this violent wave of frustration rush through my body. My eyes are no longer dry. Charles gets up from his chair and yells at Jaden that he must go now, and thankfully, he does. I get up to leave too, and my eyes meet Sam’s, full of confusion – his birthday is ruined. I could really use a cigarette right now. I should have just stayed away.

I take my bag with me upstairs. It was lying on the floor in the corridor, where I’d left it earlier. Earlier. I wish I could go back to earlier.

I look through my bag. There is not one cigarette. Fuck. I lie down on the bed. I can still taste the beer in my mouth. I had been drinking a few today. How could I forget the cigarettes on the table? I can picture the packet of cigarettes lying on the nightstand beside our bed in the apartment. What a shitty night!