Bernie Bumseed

August 1 - 6:00 a.m.

An act of mercy allowed a spit of water to fall upon an unknown seed blown from a distant field, farther than the average hopeful tumbled on the back roads of Missouri. Most get caught in border hedges or drainage ditches or groves that surround dusty farmland. How this wannabe avoided the tiller, and a fresh layer of manure remains a mystery. However, it’s possible that path might have been better for this lanky oddball with the long, curious face and thick lips who calls himself Bernie Bumseed.

His residence, an overgrown hump of nails and wood in Venice Beach, California, was hip in the ’60’s when Jim Morrison lived there. Now, it’s a small complex held together by faded stucco amid the faces of modern society.

It was early when Bernie entered his cramped bathroom, a touch of light was present from a window near the ceiling. He eased down on a rickety stool which sat before his prized can and lit incense next to a golden Buddha on the toilet tank. Flickering tea candles added a glow of hopefulness which also lit a framed picture of Bernie holding a microphone. He appeared to be standing in a swamp reporting on what looked like a downed airliner.

Bernie swayed trance-like before his shrine chanting “Om mani padme hum.” These Tibetan words roughly translate to ‘heart of the lotus,’ and surely Bernie is all that. The chant seemed to ooze out of him like warm liquor, and he sucked in every drop and even appeared inspired by himself.

Retrieving a box of matches, he struck one and brought the flame to his nose. “I am Bernie, I am Bernie,” he chanted with a low growl. His babble continued until the flame reached up and burned his fingers. “Oh, dammit!” he said. “Who did that?” He flicked the match into the bowl which held a dozen burnt sticks. He finally stood and raised his hands in supplication. “Don’t let me down,” he whispered, trying to visualize a contented land beyond the clouds, but his eyes settled on long strips of paint peeling down from the ceiling. “Shit,” he muttered. “I told Russ to strip this flub.” He stuck out his foot and flushed the can.