what true happiness means

//prologue

what is happiness? of course, you'd think it's the feeling you get when you do something you love and makes you feel joy. watching your favorite movie, reading a book, listening to music. this all defines happiness to you, right?

but to me, happiness always meant friendship. those people in our lives always added an ecstatic feeling to us. they found a way to flourish us with liveliness, to educate and let us move on, to stay by our side and help us.

of course, there is also the bad side of friendship. they can hurt us, leave us behind any time, misunderstand us and pretend like everything that happened in the past was all for nothing.

that's what I love about having friends. they teach me that life has the good and the bad in it. one day, they could be by my side; the other day, they could be gone. just like that, just like we had nothing between us.

I've lost and gained so many friends in my life. some stayed by me then left me in the cruelest way ever, some chose to not leave my side and fought for it, and some... well, I was the one who left them behind.

I look at the photograph next to my bed. last day of sophomore year. Ray and Ari are next to me as I accidentally take a photo. it was planned to be only me. just by myself in the photo trying to throw a peace sign and smile. if they didn't come dashing into me by force, I wouldn't have smiled like that.

we look happy. Ray to my right and Ari to my left. we aren't looking at the camera or bothering to make a pose. I clicked by a mistake and it took a photo of us in the middle of our laughter. I don't even know why they suddenly jumped to me and did this, but I've never been more grateful. it all adds to the photo. it gives it a soul, telling that even if we can't see each other anymore, this photo will live on and remind us of those days.

my vision is hazy again and I feel myself losing control over parts of my body. even after taking the pills, my body is still acting strange.

I lay on my bed and look around me. the room is dull. mainly pure white and the curtains are in baby blue to change the look. other than that, everything else is white. it makes me feel lonely. the room feels bigger than it is. I look at the window and see the trees rustling. it's a beautiful day today. I smile as I see two small birds standing by the window. they jump a little, then a little more, and fly away. my smile doesn't go away.

the trees are vibrantly green. if I could, I would have left this room right now and walked outside for a bit. maybe smell some fresh air or touch the bushes as I walk by like I usually do. but today, today feels different.

that is because today I've accepted it.

I've accepted the fact that I might lose everything. for days, I've been fighting my way to get out of here. I couldn't believe that I was going to lose them. I finally found the people that made me really happy. I was starting to feel alive again.

and just like that, it was all taken away.

for how long have I gone through this? I had to live through hell many times. met the wrong people and pretended to be something just to let them accept me. that wasn't what I dreamed of. when I moved to a different school, I never expected the people there to be so kind to me. they accepted me for who I am and still loved me.

now it was all getting to me again. I'm scared I'll lose myself again and fall unconscious. no, not just fall unconscious. this feeling I get when it happens, it terrifies me. I feel like screaming, yet I can't do it. I feel like crying it out, yet it feels like something is holding me back.

this sickness that I'm diagnosed with. it's not like anything I've ever heard before. this one feels like it's something always holding you tight. no matter how hard you try to fight, it just wraps itself around you more, until you run out of breath and can't call out anymore.

I shudder and shake my head, trying my best not to think about it. all I want is for this moment to be the best it can ever be. soon, I'll have the surgery, and all of this will really be over. whether it ends in a good or a bad way, at least it will be over.

I've taken permission to use the computer today. since it's dangerous to use electronic devices, it's been getting hard for me to contact anyone. all I do in this hospital is walk between the trees and meet different patients. for how long will this last?

well, surgery is next week. all I have to do is wait for it and hope for the best.

I walk to the window and watch the outside. the weather, I can tell it feels nice just from looking at the trees rustling from time to time. I open the window for a little. somehow, I'm no longer afraid of the sun. I no longer close the curtains on purpose and walk back to my bed.

I take a long, deep breath and exhale it through my mouth. it's so refreshing. it feels as if once the air entered my lungs it freed me of everything that was holding me tight. I smile, just a small smile that indicated I'm satisfied enough.

I walk back to my bed again. looking at the time, I find that it's almost nine in the morning. should I turn the computer on? they should be ready by now.

for today, I'll have the last talk with my friends.

I call the nurse and tell her to bring it. of course, they can't leave it here. after what I've done, living in this monotonous room, they knew I might lose control again. now that I think about it, guilt creeps into me.

the past comes back again. it no longer hurts me, but it all leaves a bad taste in my mouth until this day. there are so many things I regret doing. so many things I regret not doing. the only thing that ever made me forget about all of this was them.

they were the ones that changed me to who I am now. someone who's happier than she has ever been. they have inspired me; built me to someone who's stronger, someone who's no longer a shut-in that pushed everything and everyone away.

they made me open up. with just simple talks and some jokes, I was able to smile genuinely again.

the nurse knocks on the door and I let her in. she peeks in first, then sighs and walks in.

"where should I put it, Esme?"

"wait," I fix my position on the bed, "lay it on my legs. I'll work things while laying down."

she walks to me. her face was clearly filled with worry. knowing it might get dangerous, she's afraid of getting into trouble. but I'll make things go fast. so so fast so I don't end up falling weak and crying again.

the last thing I want is for them to see me devastated over my situation. I want them to know that I'm still fine and will come back again. I don't wanna add to their worries and sorrow.

"take care, okay? and make it fast."

I nod and give her the same smile. a small smile with squinty eyes and hidden teeth. for how long will I keep it like that?

I check the clock on the wall and it's right on nine. perfect. I open the computer and log-in to my Skype.

some girls are online and ready. I wait some more until I see the group chat filled with people texting me and asking me questions. I save it all for the call and wait for the rest to arrive.

once it's full, I ask them to start the call.

we all enter the call. everyone is silent. I see their expressions. they are anxious and mournful. those are the expressions I was afraid the most of seeing. the last day I saw them in school, they gave me the same look. that's the only look I don't wanna remember.

"Esme?"

"Esme, is everything alright?"

"will you come back?"

their questions don't bother me. what bothers me is how Ray isn't looking directly at me and Ari is forcing a smile on.

please, anyone but you. seeing you two like this, it hurts me...

I let them talk until they fall silent again. when they do, I give them a smile and tilt my head a little.

"it's been a while, everyone."