preface
Dear you,
From the moment I met you, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my days with you. And now it even pains me to hear someone breathe your name.
I never thought i’d be sitting here in the very spot we shared our first kiss writing something like this to you.from every kiss we’ve exchanged to… this.
It’s quite insane and if i were to ponder on it any longer, I’m sure I’d be able to create a lake as large as the ocean with my tears alone. (As if i hadn’t cried hundreds of those already.)
Your last breath was provoking in itself. It leaves my brain riddled with thousands of questions.
How selfish are you really? Had the words we exchanged to one another not mean anything? Were your words nothing more than just words? I don’t understand how you could cause me so much pain, someone whom you claimed to love so much.
If it means anything, i love you, i still do and always will, love you.
4 years ago I had myself convinced that you were nothing more than a sad pathetic liar. That the hugs, the kisses, the smiles and the i love yous we shared was nothing more than a facade. That the love you said you had for me wasn’t true.
Then in anger, i ran out with tears blurring my vision, no direction in mind.
I ended up in our fields and was overcome with this warmth that helped me realize that every hug, kiss and smile we shared was something deeper than words.
That’s something that couldn’t be faked
I remember when I was younger, the poetry teacher told me to read this book on flowers and how they held different meanings. The poets teacher stressed that it was one of the best feelings to be gifted a flower from someone who knew the meaning and prepared them accordingly.
2 weeks later I was gifted a single red rose.
For 12 years she never wilted
She always smiled and stood tall.
And when you left me a single petal took its fall.
In my years I never thought I would have to go through anything as painful as this. I did my best to make sure I did much more good than evil, just so I don’t have to suffer in life like my father.
If we could change places, i would. Not because I feel sorry for you-. I won’t, but because I want you to feel what I’m feeling.
The pain
The anger
The heartbreak
The feeling of your own tears soaking your pillowcase.
Yearning to have just one more word with you, to wake up to beautiful laughter, to be the reason you smile just once more.
No matter how much I beg and plead I cannot get anything from you anymore.
There is no medicine for the constant ache in my heart and i’m not sure how long I can keep fighting without knowing exactly why.
I just want answers so I can finally rest.
