The Becoming of Na Na Black (The Black Widow)

It was, the year of 2002. My grandmother and I, moved from the Austin area, to "K Town. We moved into a, small studio apartment. The building, resembled the look of an old hotel. Most people called it, "The Hamlin Building". I was only 13, at the time, I met Giggles. I was pulling one of my little stunts, again, attempting to run away. I saw her standing in the lobby and asked if she'd assist with my escape. Surprisingly, she agreed. She rang my grandmother's bell and her outta the apartment, while i, climbed up the fire escape. I Climbed through the, 6th floor, window and hurried inside to collect my clothes & other belongings. The plan was a success. I returned to Giggles to show gratitude. From that day forward, we were inseparable. You'd never see one, without the other. Sure, I was introduced to new acquaintances, but none, I called friends. All were older. I learned from some but the others, were a little behind, in growth mentally. Their age ranged from 18 - 47. I remained curious about Giggles' real age. That chick never showed me shit, with proof of her age. Come to think of it, she took me this spot, a few times, that made fake ID's. I never questioned that, until now. I had my own skeletons. Who was I to judge? During this time, I had a lot of people fooled and confused. I was said to be 19yrs old and more popular than expected.

Giggles and I, shared similar pasts, filled with abuse, rape, neglect, big insecurities and self hatred. It's what bonded us so deeply, so fast. We both, were in a never-ending, search of genuine, forgiving, non-judgmental and unconditional love. We'd found it in each other. She'd become my, new family. Almost, all the time, Giggles and I, were drunk and off xctasy. I enjoyed the feeling of euphoria and the energy, it provided. Honestly, we popped a lot because it stopped the pain and depressed mood. We no longer cared how people viewed us nor what they thought. We were comin' for em' & damn it. Then suddenly, "BOOM!" We'd arrived.

A bitch, felt real bright that day. Nobody knew shit about me. So, what can they judge? Maaaaann...Why the fuck, do I even, give a fuck? I thought to myself, Fuck em. I'd mastered, wall building, masking my emotions & creating illusions. No one knew, who the hell, " ol' gurl," was at all. No name, age, identity of my "real parents", schools I attended, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, not even, my pcp. Not a nan' bih, got to see my ID card.

I can recall, tellin one goofy ass dude, I was from New Zealand. I told the man, we slept in mummy tombs. There were no sidewalks and we fought to the death with swords cuz it was a shortage on bathrooms & water, or some shit. Needless to say, I was high as shit, when I told him this bullshit. What fucked me up, was the incompetent motherfucka, was actually, boasting' to his boyz & family, about me. He truly thought, he had bagged, a "real" "New Zealand bitch." I was making up languages. Jus' saying whatever came out. This, dumb fuck, was ova there, tryna learn it. I guess guys really will do anything, to feel that "sweet pink matter." I can't make "this shit" up..... People, still to this day, have no knowledge of my natural eye & hair color.

It was Giggles or family, that helped with my lies. Deceit & manipulation, was the name of the game. I was was the hunter. Every nigga with eyes or without em', were easy pray. Simple. I'd mastered the art of seduction, as well as, reverse psychology.

I was a, young slick ass; smooth talkin; China doll faced; "Short body", coke bottle frame havin,' trouble makin; "2 active" cellphone carrying, but never answerin'; if you look broke, I'm givin' you the "rejection hotline" number. Break yo heart, before I take all yo money, yo car & ya "dope stash",typa; sexy, chocolate, mean as hell, kinda; change my number & let the my family help u heal, as they run script on you; "get in, where you fit in," take the same dream you tried to sell to me, but at a higher interest rate. I am ambitious an underprivileged, over achiever, very intelligent intellect, whose often underestimated, but holds a drive & will that hasn't been seen since, Harriet Tubman or Madame CJ Walker. With the tenderness of 20 women and strength of a mighty gladiator, I am a beautiful, eager, quick-witted , finesser. It was how my elders trained me to be. I was already damaged before I took my first breath, in this world but I knew I was born to have it all because I never accepted defeat. I couldn't understand the word " No." I also adjust to change with advanced capabilities to adapt to a variety of settings, culture & environments faster than many. I stay ahead of the game by engaging self education. I knew i was special

Who was gon' put a stop, to my underaged & bitter bitch, shenanigans? Not a gat damn soul. That's who. I didn't hide it from my family. I'd learned to accept myself, for whoever or whatever I was. I felt, they should, as well. I had embraced "the hoe" proudly. At least, I wasn't a broke one. I transformed into this, newly found, self proclaimed,"bad bitch. I, definitely, ruffled some feathers. Hell, I got tired of assholes, tryin to find mine, to ruffle. Everybody, had an opinion and all were irrelevant. l was young, fine, wild and carefree. Nobody could tell me shit. Giggles, hopped right on board.

I kept niggas, wrapped around my finger. The nigga's, balls, bank cards, house and car keys, along with, the pathetic hoe's backbone, in my purse. I'll admit, I fucked over some real good dudes. My mama, taught me not to be a soft, weak, dependant, lyin ass, lazy hoe. She'd always say, "dog em, before they dog you, chick." "Show no mercy cuz dem bitches, ain't gon 4 spare you." That shit became law!!! I grew up, witness, to the dirty shit, niggas were capable of doing. It was that, early exposure to the uncensored truths of the game, id been taught, that left muthafuckah's vulnerable and blindsided. I shared it all with my bestie.

To be honest, I never realized, how emotionally and mentally fucked up, I was at that point and time of my life. I was raised by a hurt, damaged and fucked up, individual. Whole time, I will admit, I was happier, bein' a I ain't shit, dog ass; inconsiderate; all about the money; lying; selfish; deceiving; lack of remorse; outta vagina, outta mind; bitch, you can have his heart, even his dick but whatever's in his pockets & bank account, belongs to me; all my hoes outside, in the front yard, talkin to each other and fighting while, 2 more, callin' my ass on 3way, emotionally deactivated ass hoe. People, painted the most terrible pictures of Giggles. Every nigga that she tried to love or trust, dogged her. They tried to use her or pimp her. She was homeless and had nothing. Instead of offering help or support, they ignored and made fun of her. I took her under my wing and polished her self-esteem. I provided clothes and food. Let her inside the building to sleep warm and safely. I truly grew to hate people. I started to realize, how cruel the world was. I began to understand, my mother and grandfather's, never explained, explanations for their behavior. Maybe, they were right, all along. After reflecting on family's, Giggle's, and my own experiences, I made my conclusion. Givin a fuck, fallin' in love, catching feelings, opening up, trusting, building bonds and gettin attached shit, is bad for yo wealth and health.

Anyway, I wasn't thinking about none of that bullshit. Bih, my 14th birthday was near. With only two days away, I'm tryna get cute, go dumb, get into any & everything with my bestie. Da broad, must've known I was bored. Giggles, chirpin' the Nextel, "WHERE YOU AT BITCH?" I chirp back, soundin dry as hell. "Im inna crib." She, "Im up here at, The Circle. Bring ya ass outside." Thinking to myself, what the fuck is at The Circle? I wanted to hit up, my favorite, lil hole in the wall, on Madison. I honestly just wanted get fucked up and juke (urban dance) all night. Traxx Man, was usual live Dj. He used to have to dat joint packed & crackin, every time. I bullshitted around, for awhile, before I popped out. I didn't wanna come off as an ungrateful brat. Besides, it's my bestie. I said to myself, what the hell? why not? I got all sexy. Lookin' real edible, as the, sweet aroma of candy and passion fruit, trail my fine ass, down the elevator shaft.

The sun had began to set, not long, after I arrived to "the lil circle thingy". I noticed "almost instantly that Garfield Park, had whatever you desired. I was amazed! I thought to my self, "this lil ghetto & raggedy piece of shit, is kinda decent." I got to experience, what all the hype was about. It definitely, was some interesting shit to see.

There were the balling hoes; homeless hoes; The pill man; weed man; the oil man; the car freshener man (aka Smell Good) & he's also located on Laramie, near the eway, on the same side as Michelle Clark.

Anywho, there was the socks & towel man; Cds & Dvds man; The loose square and pack man; the picture man; The man, grillin' out the back of his van man; The magician man; the clean yo windows and wash yo car fa $2 man; Da new and the ex man; the dude, with all the light-up shit, for no reason man; her man etc.. you get the picture.

The niggas brought out the "Hotel on Wheels." That gallon of Seagram's Gin or Apple Vodka & the cheap ass, liquor store rubbers. They just come up there and post up. Over confident, that they're about to score some easy, twat, from the neighborhood, bussdowns. They'd be right too. In they walk, with their flea market, jersey dresses, socks with the ball ona back or the dollar store flip flops. These hoes were funny.

Giggles, took me many places and introduced me to alot of, beautiful people, of whom I'm very grateful to have known. My involvement with her has changed my life indefinitely. A few of these people have transitioned, but one of them, used to, always try and holla' at me but, I never entertained it. He was cool as hell, buy something always steered me away. I later came to find out, he was my, whole blood cousin. I was to be, as expected, floored in shock and amazement. I learned of this , at a family gathering that my mom, aggressively insisted, that I come to. Her favorite cousin, Temeatha, was hosting her birthday party. I'd seen her multiple times, but never in life, did I know the two were related or both related to me. We had gotten properly introduced, but kept it playa. It wasn't something you'd wanna share, at this place, nor this occasion. I had saw him a few times prior and greeted him with excitement and joy. Even had plans to get to know him and the rest of the family. The month of Mother's Day arrived and brought to me, very devastating news. One afternoon, as he sat patiently outside, waiting for his sister, to take her to run some errands. Gunshots rang out, and my new found cousin, who had nothing to do with, whatever had taken place, was taken instantly, from his 5 children, that were already without a mother, his loving and kind mother, his shadow (his sister), the K Town community and.... Me.

I was so confused and destroyed. Although I didn't get the chance to experience him as family, I remembered how kind and respectful he was. I reminisced on his positive energy and sense of humor. I had known this man, all this time, not knowing he was genetically, apart of me. It truly fucked me up, mentally. Especially, my difficult & emotionally forced, attendance of his funeral. Speechless, heartbroken, motionless and in shock, I stood by the entry door. Listening to close friends and family, share their memories and unknown events of him. This experience for me was overwhelming, along with alot of other things that added to my burden, at the time.

I am now 15, I have opened much wider, I have matured and view life alot differently. The street life, has begun to boar me. My lil sister is getting older and I need to teach her things, set examples, show her another path to take, outside of our mother & grandparents teachings. I thought to myself, "I have to be, what we were deprived of." - I am approaching 16 very soon. -Selling drugs, finessing and using your physical to get money, is not what I want her exposed to. I further thought, - I want to provide my baby,with the set-up and protection, I never had. The more I sat back and reflected on my life, I sadly had no future. First bright idea, I thought of, was to get a legitimate job. I had no guidance, nor reality of how jobs, education, bills, credit, and presentation were a necessity. I knew absolutely nothing about, the importance of insurances, saving, budgeting, financial security or stability. Here I am, telling myself, that I was smart and knew everything, until life & harsh ass reality, Slapped the dogg shit outta me. It was the very first job, I'd applied for. With my grandmother's help, I was called in, for an interview. I arrived, over confident and tremendously, uneducated of job readiness and highly lacked, not only experience, but people and interpersonal skills. I was interviewed by a tough but brutally honest, lady. Her name was Beatrice. I remember her name, so well, because she was the first stranger, to crush my spirit worse than my mother and father. She had discovered that I, didn't finish 8th grade and, boy, did she let me have. She asked. " if you are a middle school drop out, how can I be sure that if, I were to ask you for a cup or glass of water, you'd know the difference? " Or," if one of my chef's needed assistance with a recipe prep, you'd be able to comprehend and execute the task expected of you?" She then continued on to point out, everything else I'd done wrong; The weak handshake, lack of eye contact, hair / makeup, over powering, bamboo hoop earrings, as well as, my poor lazy posture and jeans. When the interview concluded, I found myself fighting tears. I just wanted to get out of there. I didn't understand her point of view, at that moment. I only remembered feeling humiliated, embarrassed and angry. I took that, unknowingly at the time, constructive criticism, as a means to demean me, out of jealousy. I thought to myself, " I'll show that bitch." I'd tried several companies, prior to that, the same experience.