without her
i'm not used to days like this, where i'm full of caffeinated energy that felt like bees buzzing in my stomach. here i sat at the coffee shop, she used to escape to when her thoughts and environment became too much.
i sat with uneasiness in my spirit as my eyes averted to the door each time the bells on the handle chimed.
"this is pathetic. i'm pathetic, aren't i?"
usually i would walk home with her, our clammy hands gently touched with a certain softness that made my soul happy. but, today i sat and waited like a saddened puppy whose owners skipped town.
i could feel the imagined judgment of the people sitting near me. i wouldn't blame them if they were in fact judging. i was alone, a large amount of sadness blocked my eyes and my mouth hadn't smiled in a few weeks. also, i couldn't stop mumbling small things to myself.
"i'm twenty. pathetic. lonely. and i miss her"
emia and i weren't together anymore. honestly, i should be happy. i didn't deserve to be in a relationship with a woman who wouldn't hold my hand in public, but wanted me to kiss her lips behind her closed bedroom door. she'd hold me tight, and kiss me like my lips tasted like pure honey. but, in public she seemed different,
out of love.
it was obvious that i should have ended things with her previously, but i...
loved her.
i couldn't bring myself to say all the important words that i, juniper, needed to say instead i stayed, allowing her treatment to continue to break me down, to destroy me. why didn't i leave?
"why am i even here?" my mumbling came to a halt when i saw her walk into the coffee place on 3rd street without a care in the world, without a sense of sadness in her eyes. she saw me too, for a second she appeared remorseful. for just a second. then she looked away, and continued on with her life like i never mattered. maybe i didn't. maybe i was just some innocent woman she wanted to experiment with. i packed my bag after watching her place an order, she casually took a seat far from my table.
that's when i knew.
i was indeed pathetic.
