repeat

all i ever seem to do is fall in love. hopelessly and quickly in love.

around here the weather doesn't vary much; humidity - rain - heat & repeat. this day it rained, hard enough to get everywhere muddy, quick enough to fool people that it's part of the cycle was over. although after years of living here you start to learn a thing or two, if it rained once it'll rain again - it's not done until the heat comes.

due to this dreary weather, we were stuck inside. i always hated when we were forced inside. outside was the only relief i could get, away from everyone around me. i would sit, draw, read, whatever i wanted to. i was calm - away. it didn't seem to be a wonderful start whenever we were forced inside. no one knew what to do -as always- so pretty much everyone crowded into one big area and no one could move. you would be lucky not to get trampled. i wondered off to where i always did, by the door in a little area that people were less likely to push me over. i hid up in my corner and got out my notebook. i wasn't going to scramble around like everyone else. i adjusted and did what i wanted to do despite the weather trying to knock me out again.

normally i would've gone undisturbed, the few people who i did talk to never seemed to care enough to come to find me so i didn't go find them either. until i was approached. granted, i smiled and spoke. but i wasn't enjoying it at first, i wanted to be left alone. but i knew this person. i recognized them. earlier in the day i pointed him out to a close friend of mine. he was new so he seemed scared and kind of away from others. i respected that, i understood wanting to be away. i rarely enjoying talking to new people, i don't really like creating new friends because they all seem to let me down. but something about him. i wanted to know him.

and so i did. the rain went away after a while, so i went to be undisturbed in the fresh air like i tried before. then, i saw him again. we kind of just drifted near each other, quiet at first. but it wasn't so quiet it felt uninviting, no it was comforting. so, that was it. days after days, we would meet there. we would talk and laugh. and when the weather went through its cycle again he knew where i hid. normally the endless humidity - rain - heat & repeat bothered me endlessly. it was a betrayal to everything i wanted. i respected the wind and the sun, everything our boring earth had to offer. but when it messed up me being undisturbed i wasn't so loving. well that was until i met him, now the constant humidity - rain - heat & repeat wasn't a betrayal. it opened my eyes to a wonderful feeling that i had wanted for so long. so whenever the sky went through the normal cycle, i would smile. because it brought me him.

things with him were slow? fast? i don't even remember at this point. it came at a normal pace. it felt like the exact right time for everything we did, it was so wonderful. i would see him every day and only him. it was only a few minutes but i didn't care, it was worth it. i had fallen and quick. i didn't say so, of course, but i had. i would wonder if he would notice things about me. if he noticed how hard i tried to act like i didn't care or how i tried to act so confident around him. i was not confident, and i did care. i still don't know if he noticed all my little things like i noticed everything about him, but the idea it was likewise always seemed off to me. i never really felt worth it, every little thing i adored about him consumed me. i wanted more. i did not feel good enough, i wasn't what he wanted and the more i adored him the more i hated myself. it was a sad balance, but whenever he did give me a piece of him back i thought about it constantly. it was hard not to think about him.

i still remember seeing him sit awkwardly across the room as we ate. he would sometimes laugh with some of the other guys but most of the time he seemed lonely. i hated to see him like that, i would stare at him the whole time hoping he would notice. but when he did, i would look away. and it continued like that. i always looked at him until he looked back, i would shy away after he did. one day though he looked back and i smiled at him. and his eyes lit up when i did. it was like he adored me too. it was a wonderful idea. i could've stared at him forever. but i was aloof and didn't care so i, of course, blew it off and made fun of him for staring at me.

sometimes we would talk to others, sometimes i would hang out with other people ignoring him. acting as if i wasn't thinking of him the whole time, i don't know why i screwed with him like that. i just couldn't have it easy. i wanted him to want me. it seemed so easy, yet impossible. i didn't think he would ever want me.

i have always liked keeping to myself and being independent, but i didn't want that with him. i wanted him with me all the time, i could never tell him that though. i would play hard to get and act like i didn't care that much. i was independent, and i could never let him know that all i wanted was to be dependent on him. one thing about my distance was that because of it i never got to know everything. i constantly confused him and never made up my mind. or at least that's what he thought. i wanted to learn so much more! because i had made up my mind. i made up my mind since the minute i met him. not when humidity - rain - heat & repeat brought me him. when i saw him.

i tried to talk to him but i couldn't get his attention, this surprised me. the girl i was sitting with was causing a commotion, i didn't care much though. we were close and it was rare she got her popular girl type moments. she didn't get why i focused so much on the new kid. i didn't know why i did so much either.

for some reason, he was all i could look at. his eyes were a dark chocolate brown, not light like a teddy bear or an almond. no, they were almost like the night sky. so dark and beautiful i could drown in it. his hair was a light blond and at the ends, it would curl up. it was a mess and you could barely see his face, but i didn't care. i thought about fixing his hair and figuring out really what this boy was doing with his life. what his hopes were, his desires, i wanted to know every tiny bit of information about him. i saw him slightly push his hair out of his face and that was it, from then i was hooked.

so the cycles of my respected mother nature brought him to me but my own hurried thoughts and curious eyes found him. so as i would toy with him, testing him and hoping he would stay. i worried, a lot. i wanted him more than anything, but i needed him to want me. i wanted every second to have that look. that look he gave me as he stared at me across the cafeteria. i wanted to be adored.