Prologue
John the butler darted through the vast manor searching every room frantically. “Mr. Sullivan! Mr. Sullivan!” He exclaimed. The chubby butler moved his stubby legs quickly as he searched. Finally, he reached Mr. Sullivan’s quarters. He jerked open the door breathing heavily with his eyes scanning the room. His eyes stopped, and rested on the figure of a man resting on a luxurious armchair. He had jet black hair that was slicked back in a professional manner. He wore a crimson red robe that had streaks of black. His jaw was as solid as stone along with his collar bone. He had a poorly shaved grizzly beard and dark bags under his eyes. “Mr. Sullivan!” John cried, “ I can’t believe you would send young Jake to Alaska!” This mission is practically suiside! So many left but none have returned!” John huffed, still out of breath.
Mr. Sullivan inhaled and sighed deeply and looked John in the eyes. “Mr. Sullivan…” His eyes were sagging, he looked broken and tired. “Do you know what my son did 2 years ago, do you not?” Mr. Sullivan interrogated as he rose from his comfortable chair. “Do you know what he did to the family? To his brother? To me?!” His voice rose after every syllable. John recalled as he closed his eyes trying to forget that day. “That is not a reason to send him away to Alaska! He could die out there!” John tried to reason. Mr. Sullivan turned back to the fireplace and exhaled. “This is not just about the ice crystal, this is about my son. This is his redemption, and he knows it.
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Jake felt like he was drowning in a pool of darkness. He thrashed around failing his limbs reaching out for anything. Suddenly an arm that was completely white in all of the darkness appeared from the shadows. He reached out and grabbed it. A face was slowly emerging while it was grinning wickedly. “Uh oh, my grip is slipping!” It mocked, “Please!” Jake cried as the creature’s grip slowly loosened until he eventually let go. “Sorry, brother.” The figure burst into laughter as he became a spec to Jake who was plummeting into the abyss. His whole world began to shake and a voice boomed in his head, “Jake, wake up!” It cried out.
“Huh?” Jake grunted in confusion.
End of the Prologue
Of course, if you ever need anyone to read your work to see if it makes sense, (I suffer from that as well, like it makes sense in my mind but not to other people :)) Then I will be delighted to help!
Quick suggestion, Since you changed the dialogue, it has made it SO much easier to understand, but the only thing to note is that sometimes when you make someone ask a question, you put a ! instead of a ?. For example, "Huh!" was supposed to be intended as "Huh?" I assume. If that makes sense...? :)
As I was reading I immediately wanted to snuggle next to a fire with a bit of buttered rum. It's such a fun read already and I'm very intrigued about Jack and Jake what what's up with this crystal.