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I've been through a lot in my short 19 years of living. Tons of things I've never told anyone. I wasn't ready, and maybe I still am not, but here I am, writing the first chapter of a book I promised myself I wouldn't delete.
I guess you could say it started when I was a kid. Maybe around the age of 5 or 6 when I first noticed I felt different. I never liked what girls liked.
They prefered to play with dolls, meanwhile whatever doll my mother would buy me would end up with markings all over it.
Girls would worship Disney princesses while I only prefered one, and that was because it had the same name as me.
I did, however, like 'girl' shows, such as Hannah Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place or Kim Possible, but I still really loved the 'guy' shows too. I didn't see anything wrong with either.
I loved to play with all the guys, but since I was a girl, none really hung out with me. Instead, I was stuck with the girls who wanted to play with the girly things and talk about boys.
All I wanted to do was run around, play fight, have the mud fights we occasionally had at school. I just wanted to have fun with the boys.
For years it went on like this.
I would hang out with the girls, while the boys only turned their backs on me.
Even when I started to feel attracted to both girls and guys as a kid, I ignored the feelings.
Eventually when middle school came along, I gave up. I gave up on trying to hang out with the males, I gave up trying to be with them.
I gave up talking to the girls too though.
I didn't care anymore. Whoever wanted to be my friend would come to me. But wasn't I always like that? I felt isolated my whole life and I was only 11 when I realised this.
During the summer of my transition from 6th grade to 7th grade, I had encountered a painful experience. The experience hurt me in more ways then I can admit, so thats why in my 7th grade year, I decided to change.
Living with all the panic attacks and depression that was starting to cloud my mind, I tried to push it all away.
I tried to push my thoughts away of me liking both genders and of me feeling like a guy.
I didn't want to feel this way anymore, and they didn't want me to be like this.
I was grateful that I never mentioned anything about my feelings before when I was a child, but I started to feel empty.
I started to use other things to distract me.
They wanted a girl, so I gave them a girl.
I wore the girly clothing, had long styled hair, I even made my appearance seem like I was never the person I was before.
I couldn't change my personality fully though.
One person noticed this though, and they stuck through the year with me.
He didn't know this at the time, but he was the person who gave me strength to finally let the real me out.
Alas though, it was time I moved schools again so I was never able to thank him, but I was able to feel at least a little confident after that.
I started homeschool in 8th grade, and as I wasn't around anyone, I still had distractions.
I got into some trouble that year which forced me to come out to my parents.
I didn't fully come out though.
I kept my feelings of being a male down. I didn't want them to kick me out, so I stayed quite.
I told them I felt different, and that I felt that I liked both girls and guys.
My mother said I was going through a phase, my stepfather said nothing on the matter.
It's been years since that day and they still think it's a phase. They said that I shouldn't think about it while I am so young, that I don't truly know anything. They said the phase would go by, so at that moment, I knew I couldn't come out fully.
In 9th grade though, when I returned back to normal public school, I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I cut my hair short, I bought a binder, and I came out.
I came out to my parents and wrote them a whole letter about it.
To say that my mother was shocked is an understatement.
I don't know why I thought it would have been different. I don't know why I thought my feelings would change if I continued to lie, but I did it.
Days later, my mother told me I was not transgender and I was just confused. She told me I was being influenced by the internet and people around me.
I only nodded and didn't fight back.
It wasn't until the end of our talk that I said an okay and that I was wrong.
I gave her some bs about me not really feeling like that, and I lied.
I lied my way out of saying my true feelings.
It was roughly two years that I had been lying.
I was 17, wearing my binder everyday. I had my hair short still, but I was refusing to comment on the matter.
