Chapter 1
Chapter one
“She dreamed impossible dreams. Followed her heart & created her own little fairytale.”
Well my mam got herself yet another new boyfriend, last week.
She was happy once, yet I don’t remember that clearly. If I am being honest I don’t remember most of my childhood.
I am due to move to live with my dad. Even through I don’t think that it is any better as he has a whole new life, wife and children. And I don’t want to ruin all of that for him. Even though I don’t remember him that well that if at all.
I have to move in with my dad because of the old lady next door to me and mam. She called child services on my mam due to strange activity. I won’t get in to it that much.
I really don’t want to leave my mam ’cause who will look after her, but also I am relived that I won’t have to look after her anymore as it’s not my job. Just can’t help the slice of guilt that fills my stomach when I think that.
Also my dad moved to America after the divorce, which is now about 11-12 years ago when my older brother was 10 and I was only 5 , so that’s just great. Moving nearly across the world to live with a stranger who is supposed to be my dad and someone that I remember but I don’t.
I have an older brother but I have not seen him since he ran away when he was 18 and I was 11 or 12. I don’t know where he is or what he is doing or even if he is still alive. But what I do know is that I remember him from my childhood , memories of him and that I miss him so very much.
As I love my brother dearly but a part of me hates him for leaving me here all alone. I really don’t like that part of me but I can’t help feeling it and feeding that feeling.
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Last day of being in hell, I mean my school ( St. Andrews academy ) in England, because this time tomorrow I’ll be in an airport. All alone and not really wanting to go.
I don’t have any friends at school, I am the quiet, shy, weird kid normally sat at the back of the classroom in the class.
I mean I did have friends, the populars, but they don’t talk to me anymore or acknowledge my existence, also including my best friend who people made fun of us because we where a boy and girl and we where friends. He left me to go with the popular boys at the age of 6 and started going out and hanging out with one of the popular girls, the sporty one. Also she use to be one of my close friends.
Anyway they don’t matter anymore, I am having a fresh new start, a new me. I need to forget about them as they have forgotten me and erased all of our memories together so I guess I can and will do that same.
I need to stop dwelling on the past as it can’t be changed or altered.
Finally I reached an old rotten wood door with red paint flaking off and rusted numbers drilled in to its right side 4.008a. Our flat number, as we are on the fourth floor and in the ‘a’ section and are the eighth flat.
The flat is old, small and dirty. This is one of the only times that I am happy I don’t have friends, as this flat is embarrassing to have to claim to live here and it should be a sin.
“ hi mam!”
“ hello honey” she said with her words slurred drunkenly in her mouth, as always. A sigh left my lips before saying plain and full of disappointment tones, “ I am going to go pack now.”
“Why will you be packing?” She sat up straight on the sofa , her big brown doe eyes staring at me with worry.
“ because, I have to move in with dad.” I said straight to her a hint of annoyance in my tone.
“ no! Please you can’t go! You’re my little girl, my baby!” She stood up but had to immediately need to grab my arm for support. With water pooling her eyes.
Tears began to prick me eyes at seeing my mam in this state and not really wanting to go. I just started to head to my room feeling my mam’s grip weakened and
… BANG! …
I turned around and saw her laying there on the ground, scarily I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel bad or upset for my mam. And that scared the living daylights out of me.
“Mam!” I swiftly helped her up to the sofa and got a tissue for her bleeding nose.
Soon she fell asleep. I put a worn out blanket over her skinny fragile body, made sure she was really asleep unlike last time. Once I was convinced she was truly asleep and not going to leave to go anywhere. I crept away into my small box room, passing my brothers old room. I stood outside it for awhile debating whether or not to go in. I slowly rises my hand to the door handle but turned around and opened my bedroom door instead.
I pulled my green suitcase from the top of my wardrobe and put it on to my bed, which has bright pink bedding on from when I was little. A smile spreed on my face, I am going to miss it here all the memories good and bad. It’s my home, the only place I know through all that’s going to change now. This small little flat stubbornly has a hold on my heart.
I grabbed everything from my wardrobe, which is not much just a pair of black jeans and black leggings, some tops long and short sleeved.
I put aside my light blue ripped jeans and my favourite over sized grey hoodie, which is my brothers. He left it here when he disappeared, my mam destroyed his room when she found out he has ran away at 18. Saying he was just like his dad. And she started to burn and bin his things. I was only 11 or 12 but I managed to save this hoodie though from saving it I ended up getting a black eye from my mam, but I know she didn’t mean it and she did say that she was sorry after mainly because I stoped talking to her or acknowledging her at all, but the apology did come after many drinks and some verbal abuse as then she staring crying and say how horrible of a mother she was I just left her alone to have her pity party in peace. But that’s all behind us now. As she has not really hit me since, there has been a whack on the back of the head or some not nice describing words through at me from her mouth but she always apologised sometime after going back into her rant of how bad a mother she is. The main thing I don’t like that she does is non of those things but that she sometimes has some men other and most of the time their are not nice men. But those are stories for another time, I won’t get into them now.
The hoodie still smells like him . And for shoes I only have some pink trainers that are 5 years old and my school shoes black ballet pumps shoes that you just slip on and they have a buckle around the ankles.
I am currently still wearing my school uniform which is made up of a black pleated skirt , a white short sleeved shirt, a purple gold and black striped tie, a black cardigan, black blazer with the school crest on it and my black tights. I am going to take the skirt , cardigan, the shoes and tights. As I won’t be needing the rest of my school uniform anymore.
Yesterday, I packed everything else in to my hand luggage the bag being my back pack that i use for school ,which I have had for like 6-7 years, and my old green 8-10 year old suitcase all ready at my bedroom door.
Exhaustedly, I crawl into my small pink bed for the last time and let my dreams take me and my body away to my little safe haven.
***
“If I tell you I need you, don’t take it lightly. As I do everything I can to never have to depend on anyone, to never show weakness. So If I say that I need you, it means I am trusting you to catch me when I fall.”
After just getting ready, I climb on my bed to open the curtains. Because my bed is pushed up in to the corner of one of the corners in my box bedroom with one of the walls hold the only window in my room it being a large square window.
I am instantly blinded and assaulted by the sight of the late twenties- really thirties, man wearing nothing but a towel.I think his name is Jay or something on those lines. Soon after my eyes finally finish trailing up his toned body our eyes meet, he just smiles, winks than rips the towel away. The only thing that was keeping my eyes innocent. I am just left with my mouth hanging open ‘oh god’ i whisper to myself. A noise comes from outside my bedroom door I immediately swing the Lilac curtains close and go to open my room door, which is covered in stickers that me and Cole did when we first moved here to make it feel more like home to make it ours I also helped him with his though I haven’t seen it or inside his bedroom since he left. with my heart beat in my throat and breathing making my lungs feel like they are going to explode all over the place.
My mam stands in front of me looking down at the ground with her right hand picking her left arm elbow.
“Good morning.”
I huffed out while squeezing past her unmoving figure, to the kitchen / living room to get my breakfast.
I got no response. Making a frown grow on my face.
Looking back confused. Thinking I would see my mam but nothing just the cream damp black speckled and bubbled covered wall. Like most probably all the walls in this old flat. I slowly started to head back to the corridor to again find my mam just standing there.
“Mam what’s wrong?” I use my soft tone and hesitantly place my hand on her shoulder and notice she is only wearing her underwear. ‘ jeez what is it with people today with being underdressed.’
All I got was , “ I am so sorry…”
From her shaky voice. And then the water falls open.
“Mam! Stop it! Mam! …” I shout as she drops to the floor and rests her head on the wall and slowly taps her head but fast taps turns into whacks.
I finally get her to stop and help her up but all she does after, I am still holder her up from behind, is elbow me in my face.
Pain struck me like lighting to a tree. From the amount of pain my face turns numb.
“Mam…” I whisper in disbelief. And quietly let salty water fall from my eyes. But she doesn’t even look at me. She just stood there in a trance like state then slowly wobbles in to the kitchen/ living room.
“ oi! Wakeup ! Little missy!?”
My eyes slowly flutter open to be face to face with a dark haired man, who has a proud short beaded. I don’t remember how long I have stayed on the floor of the corridor but I guess I must of passed out or fallen a sleep. “ finally ! I thought you where dead. I can’t be dealing with hiding another body…” he whispered the last part to himself. I notice how dry my mouth is with a hint of a taste of iron like taste and the goose bumps all over my body showing just how cold my body is making a hard ice pressure run in my veins. ‘I must of been out for a while’. From his face being so close I could smell his breath which reeks of alcohol, I would say smells most like beer.
I slowly and stiffly start to move to sit up and look around to find that I am still on the floor of the corridor but the lights are on, meaning it must be getting or is dark outside. ’Damn I was out of basically the whole day ‘new record unlocked!’ The strange man just stared at me and smiled while his huge hand runs up and down my back.
My stomach rumbles loudly in anguish, so hard that it hurt my body. The noise makes the man laugh, a big hearty huff laugh, I just smile sheepishly.
I reached my left hand out up the wall and started to stand up , making the man next to me, still rubbing my back, stand up next to me on my right.
“JIM!?” My mam’s voice rowed from the living room.
A sigh leaves my lips in relief knowing my mam is here.
“You should get cleaned up.” The mystery man, who I guess is called ‘Jim’. whispered into my ear, giving my right arm a squeeze, before he disappears off down the narrow corridor, which barely has enough room for him to move, to the living room / kitchen.
Too confused, and still in a form some people my call shock, to say anything I just stumble to the small cramped bathroom, that has mint green walls that has been that colour since we moved in. Also has not had a new coat of paint since, being shown by the paint flaking off the walls.
Resting my hands on either side of the small round sink. I look into the black spotted mirror to see a shell of a girl that I use to know. My attention gets drawn to the red thick liquid that runs from both my nostrils, staining my skin and lips a long with my white t-shirt covered with big bloody blobs covering the top front of it.
Turing the tap on and to cold, I cup my hands and collect the water to then wash my face. And open the cupboard door to get the Spider-Man plastic cup, that is Cole’s from when he was little he was obsessed with Spider-Man, I fill it up and use it to help rinse the iron taste from my mouth. Then I got my rose covered flannel and dip it into the water and lightly dab the blood away from my skin.
Once my face is all clean I turn my attention to my top. I gently took it off and put some soap on the bloody parts and then place it under the cold water coming from the tap, and scrubbing it with my hands.
After what feels like an eternity I do the last rinse, and hold up my handy work to the naked light bulb. Annoyingly you can still see a faded stain. Huffing I drop my arms and turn to leave the bathroom and go to mine bedroom for a new top.
After Turing the light off and shutting the door I turned left to get to my rooms door.
“Baby, where’s your top?” My mam’s voice hit my ears.
I slowly and hesitantly turned around and hold my top up to her “ here it is.” I say plainly.
“Why does it have a blood stain?”
She said concerned and confused while walking to me and cupping both my cheeks with both her small boney hands.
“I had a nose bleed, but it’s alight now. Who’s that man?” I sigh, this happens a lot where she forgets things the doctor calls them back outs though he never takes us seriously and always brushes our problems off as nothing, so I am not sure.
“ oh well if you’re sure you are okay. He’s Jim, you know Jim he’s my … friend.”
I just nodded making my mam nod.
“ well you should get back to him.”
I say taking her hands off my face and hold them in mine.
“Yeah …” she replies taking her eyes off me and turning around but as she reached the end of the corridor she turned and faces me with a worried expression earring at her face. I smile supportively and put my thumb up gesturing that I am alright and that it’s okay for her to go back to him and leave me to take care of myself because I can handle it. She nodded slowly and her small delicate frame disappears into the kitchen / living room.
Shaking my head I turn around to my bedroom door and open it.
Once inside I through my top on the light pink carpeted floor and open my wonky wooden old wardrobe with the left door missing it’s top hinge making it fall / lean diagonally, to get a new top. Realising that there is nothing really in my wardrobe anymore. ‘Or should I just put on my pyjamas?’
I close the wardrobe doors and go to my bed and lift my pillow getting my pyjamas from last night out. Which are baby blue shorts and a matching baby blue long sleeved top.
Once all dressed for bed I head out to the kitchen as my stomach keeps reminding me that I’ve had no food today and that my mouth could use a drink.
I can hear my mam and that man laughing and giggling as I put the kettle on for my chicken and mushroom pot noodle, while taking a drink of my apple and blackcurrant juice.
After I finished making my pot noodle I walk to the living room area , as it’s an open plan / one room share between the kitchen and living room.
I sit on the two seater sofa facing the TV, which is displaying a rerun of Casualty. My mam and Jim are still laughing with them whispering among themselves. I try to drown them out and focus on the TV.
After finishing my pot noodle and half my drink I start to head off to bed.
Until a loud knock comes at the door as I am the only one up on their feet , I go and answer it, but not before I look through the spy hole in the door to see who it is as you can’t be to careful and you can’t just open the door as it could be anyone especially in this area. And see a bold black man in a stripe pin suit.
I slowly open the wooden door with red paint flaking off, cautiously.
“ hello, are you miss Nellie Baker?”
My spine straightens at the sound of my name. “Who are you?” I ask breathlessly.
The man smiles whiled and says “ I am Seth, I work for your father mr Leo Baker. I am here as you missed your flight so mr Baker sent me to come and check on you and take you to the airport to fly on his jet.”
“What…?” I have completely forgotten about me having to move over to my dad’s. All the way in America.
“ miss if you would please collect your bags ? We have to leave very soon.”
“Uh … just one minute.”
I close the door on him and rest my back against it trying to get back control of my breathing.
“Mam!” My voice sounding horse.
“ what baby?”
I start crying as she comes into view, “ I have to leave now, you remember to go live with dad.” I say through sobs.
Mam just looks at me walks away and came back holding my suitcase and backpack, then went to open the door. She hands them over to Seth and wraps me up in a big bear hug. That I haven’t had since me and Cole were little, the last time I remember is when we had to say goodbye to dad and mam gave me a big bear hug because I was a crying mess.
“ I love you baby, my little baby girl.” She say while wiping away my tears and kisses my forehead. “Goodbye little baby.” She whispers in my hair, pushes me out the door and softly shuts it in my face.
“Mammy…?” Is the only word that I am able to leave my mouth, slowly going back to my child self.
“Come on miss, we better start going.” And he walked away holding my suitcase and backpack. I was so tempted to bang on the door, kick and scream my lungs out till they hurt. And run back in side or to run away from everything. Just wanting the pain in my lungs , heart and stomach to stop.Start writing here…
