Photos of Derek

How do you know true love exists? Is it a feeling that anyone can feel? I know I had met the one that my heart truly loved. How do I know? The way he made my heart flutter just by looking at me. It felt as if we were kids again and he’d made my heart skip a beat.

Derek and I were best friends growing up. Best friends that eventually turned into lovers. I remember the day that he asked me out. It was our junior year of high school. He was actually too scared to ask me himself that he made our other friend Silas do it. Silas creeped up behind me in class which scared me into pieces.

“Derek wanted to know if you would go out with him,” Silas whispered into my ear.

A smile spread across my face. Even though I had had a crush on Derek for many years, I wasn’t one that wanted to make the first move.

“Why didn’t he ask me himself?” I asked Silas.

“He was afraid of you saying no and things being weird between you two.”

“Wouldn’t things be weird between us even if I said no either way?”

Silas shrugged. “I guess so.”

I bit my lip and took a deep breath. “Tell Derek I would love to go out with him and be his girlfriend.”

A tear slipped out of my eye and rolled down my cheek as I remembered how the rest of the conversation went. I remember Derek jumping for joy as I had seen how happy I had made him.

Eventually we had our first kiss, went to prom together, and promised each other that we would spend together with each other. After all, there wasn’t anyone else I wanted to spend my life with. Derek was not only my boyfriend but he had always been my best friend.

I snapped into reality as the police officer walked up to my door. I had a feeling that something bad had happened.

“Are you Mrs. Young?” the young officer asked, tears in his eyes.

My heart knew that something was wrong. Only the look that the officer wore confirmed it.

“Yes, I am. Why? What’s wrong?” I asked, tears welling up in my eyes.

“Would you like to go inside and sit down?”

“Sure,” I answered, leading the officer through the living room. I sat down comfortably on the couch, the officer sitting down next to me.

“I’m afraid I have some pretty bad news ma’am.”

He took a deep breath and began to speak. Everything became a giant blur.

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” he said, shakily. He placed his hand gently on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. He let himself out of the house.

I stood there, frozen. I couldn’t think and I certainly couldn’t cry. I was in total shock. I had just given Derek a goodbye kiss earlier in the day when he had left for work. Now he wouldn’t be returning home.

None of it seemed real. I did the only other thing I knew to do. I called Silas. Even though Derek and I were best friends first, we let Silas into our group in early middle school. He had been best friends with the both of us since. He was like family.

I dialed Silas’ number and waited for him to answer.

“Hello?”

I tried to find the words to say but I just couldn’t. What was I suppose to say? That the person that both of us had loved was now gone?

“Hello? Nichole?” he asked. “Everything okay?”

I broke down crying. I just couldn’t say it. Maybe if I didn’t then it wouldn’t be true.

“D-D-Derek is g-go-gone.” I said shakily.

“What do you mean he’s gone?” Silas asked.

“He was involved in an accident on his way home from work. He never made it home.”

“How did you find out?”

“An officer came to the house and told me,” I said, tears falling down my cheeks.

“Stay there. I’m coming over. You don’t need to be alone right now. Not at a time where you’re vulnerable.”

So Silas and I ended the conversation and I waited for Silas to come over. I looked up at the walls and looked at all of the happy times that Derek and I shared. It just didn’t seem real. Maybe it never really would.

Not only was my husband gone but I had also lost my best friend.

I walked from the living room into the bedroom. I picked up Derek’s night shirt that he had just taken off this morning. I put it up to my nose and breathed deeply. It smelled of a deep men’s musk. It still smelled of Derek.

I sat down on the bed that we had very briefly shared together. Knowing that the bed one would one sided from this moment on made the entire house feel very lonely.

I never would make another happy memory with Derek again. From this moment on everything would be sad moments that would make up a bunch of sad memories.

I heard the door open and could hear Silas calling my name.

“Nichole. Nichole, where are you?”

“In the bedroom,” I called out to him.

I could hear the floor creak with every step through the house that he took. Every noise that I hadn’t really paid attention to before because the house wasn’t as quiet. Usually when Derek or Silas made an entrance through the house it was with great noise and laughter.

Tears welled up in my eyes once again and fell down my face. I hugged Derek’s nightshirt tighter, trying to feel close to him one last time. I dreaded having to wash Derek’s things and giving them away. I just wasn’t ready for everything that came after losing the one you love.

I heard the footsteps come to a halt. I looked up to see Silas in the bedroom doorway. He stood there with his arms crossed just looking at me.

“Mind if I sit beside of you,” he asked quietly.

I nodded my head. Unable to speak once again.

Silas came down to sit on the bed beside of me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I breathed in his scent which reminded me a lot of Derek. Maybe it was because he was wearing the same cologne as Derek had.

“How are you feeling?” He asked.

I looked up at him with my face all red and puffy.

“I’m sorry to have asked that. I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

“I’m never going to be alright Si. I just lost my husband. The man that I thought I would spend forever with. He is gone and there isn’t any bringing him back.”

“I’m so sorry you are going through this Nichole. I know how awful it must be. Just know that you never have to go through this alone.”

“I’m glad to have someone that understands.”

“I’m sorry that we have something that we both can relate to. I know Derek was your husband but he was also like a brother to me. We have been through a lot together. How am I going to ever find a best friend like that again?”

I looked up at Silas. My heart was breaking for him just as it was for myself. How could I be so selfish to think that I’m the only one to deal with Derek’s death?

“I’m so sorry that you lost Derek too. I can only begin to understand how you’re feeling,” I said.

“I can only begin to understand how you’re feeling Nichole,” Silas said, wrapping me up in a warm embrace. He kissed the top of my head.

“Promise me that you’ll call me any time that you need someone to talk to,” he whispered. “Any time day or night. My phone will always be on for you to call.”

“I promise,” I said, a watery smile spreading across my face.

At that instance I still felt Derek’s presence. Maybe it was just wishful thinking but it felt as if he were there at that moment watching over Silas and I. The two people that meant the most to him in the world.

At that moment, I felt okay. I felt okay knowing that Derek would never experience hurt in his life again. He would never be sick again. And he would never have to experience the death of those closest to him.

I also felt cheated. Robbed of my happily ever after. But I had to have faith that he was in a much better place than he could ever be on the earth.

Even though I was sad for myself, I was sad for those that also lost Derek too. Not just Silas and I but Derek’s parents and sister too.

I knew I had to call them. I just didn’t know how to.

“I need to call Roger, Diane, and Felicity. I just don’t know how,” I whispered to Silas.

“Leave that to me. I’ll call them. You just make sure to eat and rest. Take care of yourself. You have enough on your plate as it is. I probably need to be going. Just promise me you will call me if you need me.”

“Can you stay for just a little longer?” I asked. “I’m not ready to be all alone. Not just yet.”

“Of course,” Silas said.

I held on close to Silas. Afraid to let him go. I wasn’t ready to be all alone in such a big house. I felt so small compared to it.

But most of all I wasn’t ready to have to plan a funeral. Not after just losing my husband. Not after we had just gotten married.

None of it felt real. But little did I know that it was all about to feel more than real in a few days time.