One Last Note

She ran her finger across the rim of the solid white coffee mug. The smooth edge felt like a joke. Nothing about this would be smooth. It had been six weeks, in hindsight it wasn’t long, but to her it felt like an eternity. She cried herself to sleep more times than she could count, holding on tight to the sweater with his scent until it bled out.

Wanting him to follow his dreams and actually watching it play out, fell under two different categories. She would never hold anyone back, but as the weeks raged on and the phone calls became less and less, the fight to hold on got lost in battle.

He reached out the moment he returned two days ago. She had been knee deep in grading English assignments when her phone notified her of a message. She ignored it until her eyes were bleary enough to take a much needed break.

Meet me at Trish’s 2pm Saturday.

She responded with the letter K. No messages followed. She wondered where he was. If he was home, he certainly wasn’t at the apartment they’d shared for two long years.

Now here she was at Trish’s waiting for her world to crumble. Mara checked the time and peered up through the large window beside her. A flash of blue caught her eye. The bell rang as Anders Duran stepped through the threshold. His soft brown eyes found hers almost immediately. Like two magnets. She pushed down the urge to rush into his arms. The thought made her nose itch.

A smile wavered on his pressed lips. He was the same, yet something was different. Her attention fell on the curly mop of hair on his head. She imagined running her hands through it, but quickly suppressed the thought. That felt as if it had been another life.

His steps sounded loud in her head. Should she stand? Or sit? Her pulse sped up as he reached the table. He towered over it with his tall lanky body. He held himself differently. She couldn’t quite figure out if it was his posture, or the newly formed muscles that bulged from the tight shirt squeezing his arm. A new confidence radiated from him, one she never thought she’d see.

Mara stood, and he snaked an arm around her body. The scent of his skin was no longer the one she’d grown to love, it had changed. It was smokey and sweaty and nothing like the man who packed his bags for a tour six weeks ago.

He held her close, yet felt so far away as he kept a rather large gap between their bodies. He had to have felt the shift in their relationship too.

She signaled for him to take a seat. They parted and he sat. His legs were too long for the tiny table she’d chosen. He laid them straight across, resting by her side.

“How was the tour?” She peered down at the mug before her, too nauseous to consume the now cold coffee inside.

For the past two weeks, she prepared herself. She cried it out, broke things, might have also burned some memories with her best friend. Maybe that was why no tears sprung from her eyes as he quietly observed her reaction.

“You would have loved it, Mara.” His attention was far away, like he was still on the road. “It was like a cross country adventure, but at the end of the night I got to do what I love most.”

She waited for the green monster to rear its ugly head, but it never made an appearance. There was something about the way his eyes lit up with desire and happiness when he spoke about the road. Maybe this was growing up. If this had been a few years back, she would have picked up the coffee in front of her and splashed it in his face for not keeping in touch. Now, she felt at peace with the decision that lingered between them.

“I’m happy for you, Anders. It’s been a long time coming, hasn’t it?”

He nodded, a hint of a smile on his perfectly clean shaven face. Both stayed quiet, unsure of what to say next. They listened to the conversations around them. Who would be the one to break it off first? She wrote down what she wanted to say. The words had been on her mind for weeks, yet it felt like a cat had caught her tongue.

“You wore that on our first date,” he noted. Mara’s eyes widened as she took in the short vintage black celestial print dress. The thought must have slipped her mind while she absent mindedly searched for a breakup outfit. Who would have thought the perfect one would turn out to be the one that brought them together.

The memory surfaced, causing her to wince. It brought another level of pain that she hadn’t come to terms with yet. They met at a rock show and he twirled her around like she was the most beautiful girl in the room. They looked ridiculous, but it’s what made her fall for him.

“That was unintentional,” she said, and lowered her gaze.

“I watched you from my spot on the balcony. You were tearing it up in the pit, in a dress nonetheless,” he laughed.

She couldn’t bring herself to do the same. Not prepared, abort mission, her brain screamed.

“I knew I had to get to know you. I’m so glad I did. Meeting you, God.” He paused to relish in the memory. “Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. Without you I would never have gotten here. The past two years have been amazing. You were it for me.”

Were, past tense. She swallowed hard. It hurt more than it should have. She was not expecting the breakup to include a play by play of the first time they met. How could she forget what she wore? She remembered the shoes he had on. The white Chuck Taylors had writing scribbled all over them. They were signatures from artists that he’d met over the years. Some were smudged, some were written across each other. She’d never forget those shoes.

“But,” she finally spoke. “You are going on tour again next month. Australia, Europe, conquering the world one country at a time. Being tied down will hold you back.”

For a brief second she swore she saw his eyes glisten with a hint of tears. They disappeared before she could even be sure.

“I don’t want to hold you back Anders. I want you to go out there and do what you do best. I’ve seen you on stage. The look in your eye. Your love for music is stronger than your love for me. For what we had.”

Anders sat as still as a statue. From her point of view it looked as if his soul had been pulled out of him, leaving his lifeless body behind. Had she made a mistake? Was this not a breakup? She gripped the edge of the small round table with her hands.

“I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

The words hung in the air. Mara blinked several times.

“Wait. So you agree?” She asked. Her head tilted to the side, trying to read the blank stare on his face.

He sighed. “I think we’d be better off as friends. For now at least. I’ll be gone most of the year and it’s not that I don’t trust myself with what I’ll find on the open road, but I think you deserve better. You deserve someone who will be there for you, who picks up when you call. Sorry for that by the way.”

He gazed downward at his hands clasped together on the table. When he looked up a grave expression crossed his face. “Is this? Will this. Is this okay?” He stuttered.

She knew things hadn’t been perfect for a while. It all started when he spent the summer in California to record his first album. She’d taken several trips out to visit, but each time he had less and less time to be around her. She’d gone to see the Hollywood walk of fame all by herself. Visited all the sights without him by her side. She didn’t want to complain, because he was happy.

“It’s okay with me. I feel like this ended weeks ago.” It was her turn to avert her gaze. She traced the rim of the mug again. She’d taken all but one sip of the liquid inside before it went cold.

“Can I come and get my things?”

“Yeah. I already paid for this. Let’s go.”

Once in her car, she took a much needed a moment to collect herself before she drove off. He was parked a few spots away, doing the same. His head was down, most likely on his phone.

It’s done. We’re going to pack up his things. I’m sad, but I’m not. I think I need to be alone tonight sort through everything. Tomorrow, I’ll need a drink. LOL.

She waited for the three dots to appear. Her best friend would understand more than anyone. She glanced up for a brief minute to find Anders doing the same. He nodded and so did she. His car roared to life and she knew it was time. Her phone chimed as she pulled away..

Drinks on me with the girls tomorrow. Promise you’ll forget everything.

Mara wasn’t sure if she wanted to forget, she just wanted to move on.

***

He pulled up behind her in front of the two story home that their second floor apartment was in. Not seeing his car in the driveway would take some getting used to. It always returned, after gigs, after the California trip, but this time there would be no trace, just an empty spot with an oil stain.

As they stopped in front of the door on the second floor, he pulled his key from his tight jean pocket. He ran a hand through his bouncing curls, then handed her the key with his other hand. He slipped it between their fingers and held on for a beat longer than she could handle.

Inside the apartment it already felt empty. He went off to pack up his things in the bedroom. She allowed him to do this on his own. She didn’t make it past the kitchen counter, which sat to the right of the front door. She rested her arms on the cool white tiled surface and stared out through the glass door across the way. A lump formed at the back of her throat, she would not allow herself to go there. She swallowed hard, three times, before it went away.

The next part would be the hardest, for her at least. He rolled the suitcase into the main room, which consisted of an open concept kitchen and living room area. He left the bags near the beige couch and headed for the shelf that sat adjacent to the sliding glass doors. From here Mara observed every movement he made towards it.

When Anders reached the three tier wooden monstrosity hanging on the wall he paused. Mara bit down on the inside of her cheek to keep the sob from exiting her trembling lips. Anders wrapped his hand on the edge of the second shelf and lowered his head. A few loose curls fell over his eyes. In front of him stood a four by six picture frame, it was a newer shot, one he hadn’t seen yet. Mara’s best friend was a photographer and asked if she could do a photo shoot for a project she was working on. She needed a couple and felt that Mara and Anders were perfect for the job. A few weeks before Anders left they had gone to their favorite park to take some shots. Afterwards she’d been excited to see the photos, but she never imagined the picture coming days after deciding it would be the end.

She was on the verge of tears, they stung her eyes as if they were burning. Anders sniffed as he reached up and took the picture in his hand. He rubbed his thumb along the edge of the photo like he was brushing the hair from her face. It was a windy day, both had their hair flying around them, so much that a few strands of curls covered part of his eye. It was a side profile picture with him lingering inches over her, his lips pressed into her forehead. Her eyes were closed and in the moment she did the same with hers now. She kept them tight which allowed a few drops of tears to fall. She furiously wiped them away.

“You look.” He choked on his words. “This photo.” He swallowed hard and his Adam’s apple bobbed along with it. He held the frame to his shirt and glanced up at her. His eyes glistened in the light reflecting off the glass doors.

“She sent it over after you left.” Mara bit her bottom lip.

“I had a lot of fun that day,” he whispered, mostly to himself.

She nodded in agreement as her words caught in her throat.

“May I?” He sighed deeply and shook his head. Was he not ready for this to end? The need to hug him urged her forward, but she stayed and planted her feet firmly on the ground.

He placed the picture back on the shelf, like he’d changed his mind, but his attention still gravitated towards it. What would she do with it? She couldn’t bear to get rid of it, no matter how much it hurt.

He grabbed some of the items that were his, but then he came across mutual souvenirs they’d gotten together and stopped. Their relationship had been a whirlwind of concerts and meet and greets. Signed memorabilia, and concert merch. Frames of tickets and signatures on napkins lay spread out over the three large shelves. It was a shrine to what was. Mara grew nauseous.

“Can I keep this one?” He held up a picture of the two of them with Tomorrow Rising, a local punk rock band they’d followed around the tri-state area.

“Yeah. I can print the copy I have on Facebook.” She felt a punch in the gut. All of her social media pages had two years worth of photos on them. The thought crushed her soul. Maybe she’d make a new page for her new life, starting tomorrow.

He collected some more items and swept them into his bag. He zipped up the small black suitcase he’d placed them in then stood and faced the black and white photo again.

“I’d like to hold onto that one, if that’s uh - if that’s okay?” She curled her hand around her mouth, while she waited for an answer. It took him several unblinking minutes to nod in agreement.

He wrapped his hands around both handles and started to roll them towards the door. Still frozen in place she watched him from her spot perched over the counter. The door slammed behind him, not on purpose, but the sound made her jump. As she observed the empty room, she noted everything he took from the shelf. At least half the items were pictures that included her. She didn’t know what to do with the rest of it, but she had plenty of time to fuss over it later.

This was the strangest breakup she’d ever had. Her first was in tenth grade when she’d caught Frank Sanders under the bleachers with Holly Iverson, cheerleading captain and her ex-best friend. Her second was senior year when Gavin Young found out she’d gotten into NYU and he was heading three thousand miles away to Berkley. That was inevitable. She had one more in college that didn’t last long, but that one had ended up in a fight and resulted in a can of beer poured onto Devon Watts head. None of them were as heartbreaking as the one that loomed in front of her.

She wasn’t expecting him to return after the last bag was placed inside his old red corvette, but he had. He stood on the opposite side of the counter, mimicking her position. With one hand he reached under the counter and pulled out a bottle of champagne. It was meant to be opened as a celebration for moving in together, instead the two had other plans. She winced at the memory.

“Should we open this?” he asked.

“Our celebratory champagne? Isn’t that, I dunno, a bit ironic?”

“As ironic as your wardrobe choice today.” A smile formed on his lips.

Mara snorted out a laugh, then clapped her hands to her mouth. She didn’t want to laugh, but she didn’t want to cry either. Her nose itched, causing her eyes to tear. He leaned forward like he was going to wipe the tears away, but pulled back. She wanted it, but was relieved that he hadn’t. She saw herself leaning into the touch and that would end in delaying the inevitable even longer.

“It can’t hurt, right? It will go to waste if we don’t.” He placed the bottle on the counter and stood straight. He rubbed at the back of his neck while he waited for her response.

“Okay,” she said, but it only came out as a squeak. She couldn’t argue with that.

She turned and took out the glasses from the cabinets above the sink, while he popped the bottle open. He poured the bubbling liquid into them. Grabbing his glass, he walked over to his favorite spot on the floor in front of the couch. She followed, placing herself behind him. They’d spent many weekends curled up like this watching old concert footage or binging Netflix shows. She curled her feet behind her.

He turned and raised his glass. “To finding whatever the hell it is we are looking for. New beginnings and all the mumbo jumbo. To my first love, my first apartment, and to the one person who no matter what always believed I was capable of more than a job in fast food.”

She held in a gasp, and it came up as a hiccup. The corner of his lip pulled up and he rested a hand on her ankle. It used to shoot electric jolts up her body, used to make her tingle in all the right places. Today, it did none of that. It felt like a friend reaching out and nothing more.

She took a deep breath. It was her turn. “To the man who had my whole heart, the man who taught me how to be confident, how to play D&D.” She stopped to laugh, the feeling caused the tight rope around her heart to loosen. “To my first everything. May all of your musical dreams come true. I’ll always be your number one fan.”

At that he smiled. They both drank, taking little sips.

“Will you still come see me play?” He shifted his body so that he could get a better view of her.

The glow in his eyes broke her into a million pieces. She said she’d always support him and now that she was faced with the question the idea of watching it unfold in front of her buried her deep in a sea of pain. Her heart hammered inside her chest, wanting to break out of its cage. She wouldn’t allow it to get the best of her.

“I’m going to need some time, but I promised you support and I’m not going to break that.”

He placed his arms on both sides of her body, his hands gripped at her hips, which allowed his fingertips to brush the skin under her shirt. She shivered. “Are we doing the right thing?”

If she spoke she’d break, so she let him know with a nod. He blew out a shaky breath and retreated from her gaze. His eyes wandered down the length of her body curled up on the couch. His eyelids closed under her watchful stare.

You can do this, Mara, she said to herself. She wanted him to live and enjoy this time of his life, meet new people and make new connections. He’d been so down on himself time after time while working in fast food, he never thought he was good enough. So when the opportunity came along, she encouraged him. If they stayed together now, she’d find herself longing to be with him, that was no way to live. She wanted to hear his voice and wanted him to write to her, but Anders was not the type of guy who reached out when he was away. She’d lived it and it did not put her in a good place.

She trusted that their relationship would last if they stayed together, but emotionally she wasn’t ready. If one day they found their way back to each other she would jump back into his arms and stay there forever.

Mara leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead. He hissed. “Yeah, I think it is.” She whispered. There was a part of her that wished she could hold on a little longer, but she knew it was time to set what they had free.

As they stood at the door, a blank stare lingered in his eyes. Her body grew cold from the sight. The decision she made was starting to feel all wrong. She’d never seen him so lost. They both agreed the distance would tear them apart, so breaking it off was the right move.

“Don’t turn me into a love song, okay?” She choked on her words, but coughed to cover the impending sob that was stuck like a ball in her chest.

His lip twitched, but the smile never reached his eyes. She counted the amount of seconds that passed while we stood there in silence. It took every ounce of restraint to not close the gap between them and press her lips to his. She’d miss the way they felt on hers. His eyes flashed to her lips as if he could read her mind.

“Why not? I can’t think of anything more beautiful than what we had.”

His words struck a chord and she found herself leaning forward. She placed both shaking hands on his shoulder and lifted onto her toes. Screw it! She thought. If she was going to let go, she needed something to remember him by. The last time they’d kissed was at the airport when he left, that was six weeks ago.

They pressed into each other, closing the space between them. There would never be another man whose tender kiss would make her whole body quake. His body shook and she almost thought he was crying, but when she pulled away, unwillingly, he wasn’t. His eyes were still closed as she hovered inches away. She could reach back in for another, but chose not to for her own sanity.

“Goodbye Mara.” His voice barely made it above a whisper. Her heart shattered like it was made of glass.

He stepped outside the threshold and she gently shut the door on their relationship one last time. The world around her shifted under her feet, a slight pull that left her unbalanced. A piece of her would always be missing, but it was for the best.

Mara leaned against the door. She had found peace, but needed a moment longer before she truly walked away. In the quiet, she heard his light sobs. Somehow she felt the heat of his hand against the hardwood of the door. He needed a moment to let it sink in, just as she did. She placed her hand against the door, hoping it aligned with his. This wouldn’t be goodbye, there was no reason for goodbyes. This was a see you later. The future held so much promise for their two young souls. Sometimes we need to let go of the things we love most to make us stronger.

“One. Two. Three.” She softly spoke the numbers and then pulled away. She needed to retreat away from the sounds of his sobs that filtered in under the crack of the door. She entered the bedroom they once shared. Not one memory left over. Mara carefully shut the door, crawled under the warmth of her navy blue down comforter, and stared out the window.

She’d be okay, maybe not today, but she’d get past it. Tomorrow, when the day was new, she would march forward and take the next step into this unknown reality. And she would do it with her heart strong and her head held high.

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