Silent (Lgbt)

Plymouth, England

September 1997

The asphalt was glistening after the rain and the trees swayed gently in the soft autumn wind. The air was fresh, and the maple leaves were breathtakingly beautiful that time of the year, warm, flashing orange and red.

The sun peeked from behind the clouds and the water droplets on the dark asphalt shone like small diamonds when the rays connected with them. The light was a warm beam running in different directions as the dispersed pieces of clouds moved across the sky, at times swallowing the sun behind them completely.

When the rays touched your skin, it was warm for a moment, but the wind was whimsical and didn’t allow such pleasure to last for long. Michael sighed, saw a huge pile of fallen leaves on the side of the street, and couldn’t hold back the urge to kick it. The pile fell apart, but, as the leaves were wet and stuck on each other, his childish whim hadn’t caused greater grief to the park employees.

Michael reached to pick up one lonely leaf from the ground and played with it as he walked forward. He smiled slightly and studied the veiny surface of the leaf and its bright autumn colors before he allowed it to slip from between his fingers, watching as it gently fell on the dark green grass.

Once again, he drowned himself in the thoughts that had been bothering him for days. Slowly, he moved forward on the wet street, not even noticing a water puddle as he stepped into it. His shoe became soaking wet, and he looked down, feeling annoyed.

What else? he asked in his mind and sighed. The shoe was squelching, his sock was soaked and it made him shiver from the sudden coldness. He was beginning to get more and more absent-minded. These thoughts had taken up too large a part of him, and they had only grown stronger during the summer.

Love: it was supposed to be something wonderful! It was supposed to... but it was unfair and cruel.Why him?Why couldn’t he have fallen in love with someone else? Michael kicked a lonesome stone on his way and cursed. The sun hid behind a cloud, and, now, his shoe had a soaking cold puddle in it, making a wet splash on every step.

As he tried to think of something more agreeable, he once again found his thoughts dwelling on his friend. He smiled secretly to himself as he remembered how Tommy had laughed at his own silly joke so hard that he had fallen over from a chair.

Tommy had always been funny, a little crazy, and oh so lovely... Michael released another sigh. Falling in love with your best friend was complicated enough without the fact that they were the same sex; it was the cornerstone of his grief, so completely insuperable. Why did this have to happen to him? He had tried so hard to be normal, and now he was tired.

He couldn’t sleep and had no taste for food. Surely Tommy had noticed something wrong by now. Michael knew he had, but the other boy didn’t have a clue as to what was bothering him. Michael wished that he could tell him, but, in all honesty, he was afraid of the other boy’s reaction. They had known each other their whole lives. People had teased them for being like brothers without any idea how it bothered Michael. Brothers? Hah! It was the last thing that he wanted to be to Tommy; it would have crossed the line...

When had it started? When had the feelings changed? Perhaps they had always existed and only now bloomed once they were nearing adulthood.

“Hey, Mikey, wait!” The running steps echoed against the asphalt, and Michael was startled by the familiar voice. He stopped in his tracks and turned, seeing Tommy running towards him. His freckled face turned into a grin.

Michael watched his friend with confusion, seeing Tommy even made him forget the unfortunate state of his shoe.

“Tommy, what... Where-?” he tried to reach for the right question but failed, still surprised to see the object of his secret affection suddenly there, in front of him.

“Man, I tried to shout from a distance!” Tommy exhaled, slightly out of breath. He lowered his hand down on his friend’s shoulder, leaned towards the ground, let out a small chuckle, and, then, brought his gaze back up to see his friend’s face.

“You’ve played in water puddles again, haven’t you?” he teased, almost making Michael blush, which also was rare.

Michael cleared his throat trying to overcome his confusion. “I didn’t even notice when I stepped in one,” he explained. “Where are you going?”

“I was coming to look for you,” Tommy grinned. “You saved me the trouble of walking all the way to your place.”

“Looking for me?”

“I was nearby,” Tommy shrugged. “Visiting Steve...” He continued and looked at his friend. “Luke’s party!” He called out, grinning at Michael’s confusion. “I knew you had forgotten! You haven’t spoken one word to them! What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing... There’s just been so much going on...”

“Ha! It’s some girl, isn’t it?” Tommy thought. “I wonder who she is?” The other boy tilted his head while observing him. “You’re warming things up with Jenny perhaps?”

Michael felt somewhat uncomfortable. He had been dating Jenny for almost a year, but they had broken up last Spring by his initiative. But now, at the end of the summer, they had gotten closer again. They had gone for walks a few times, had coffee together, and once on a so-called real date at the movies. Michael saw how fervently Jenny wanted more. He would have liked to give more, to feel more, but those feelings didn’t come. The kisses and the touches did not bring the feeling that they should have, it was just embarrassing and uncomfortable for him... He just considered her a good friend -nothing more. And now, this moment here, Tommy near him, that feeling of light touch on his shoulder, he felt it still lingering, even though it had been so short. He felt everything he wanted to feel with Jenny and the realization made his chest ache.

“We’re just friends, Jenny and I,” Michael finally replied.

Tommy cocked his brow skeptically. “Have you remembered telling it to Jenny too?” he inquired with an amused tone. Michael couldn’t get a word out, but his embarrassed expression gave the answer.

“Well, hurry home so you can get out of those wet shoes, I will come by your house a little later so we can go together. Tommy patted his friend on the shoulder and smiled gently. “You’ll tell me about that other girl later.” He winked and turned on his heels. “See you soon, Mikey!”

Michael looked after Tommy. He hoped he could tell him the truth. And how fervently he hoped that his confusion would be mutual and they could share it. He would tell the truth and Tommy would reveal that he felt the same way for him. At the same time, he knew it was just a dream. Probabilities were not on his side.

**^^**^^**^^**

Tommy sat on Michael’s bed, sipping the beer that he had sneaked with him in his backpack. It was warm, but it would fulfill its purpose, at least. He observed his friend with interest, who was looking for an appropriate shirt from his wide collection of clothes.

He allowed his gaze to drift downward on his bare upper body and couldn’t help but admire the way the muscles moved under the soft and perfect olive-toned skin. Michael’s skin always looked slightly tanned. Tommy had recently started to notice even more how perfect his best friend looked, how beautiful he was.

Michael was the most beautiful man he had ever seen, and thinking about it was exceedingly confusing. Tommy tried to calm himself down. He knew that he wasn’t the only straight man who had noticed Michael’s looks to be strangely captivating.

Michael moved in front of the mirror to look at himself and pulled a black tank top on.

“Jenny won’t be able to keep her hands to herself when she sees you,” Tommy laughed.

Michael glanced at him through the mirror with that same confused look on his face, the same one that he had when they had met outside earlier, but, this time, his confusion lingered only for a moment and was soon replaced with a cunning smile.

“You think?” he asked, cocking his eyebrow, looking sexy. “She wants me?”

“Michael, everybody wants you,” Tommy replied in an amused tone, knowing just how much Michael loved to hear compliments.

When the other boy’s gaze was back in his reflection, Tommy allowed his gaze to move lower on Michael’s body. He gazed at his bottom, nicely round and firm, wrapped inside tight jeans that fitted perfectly. Tommy’s thoughts wandered to what his butt would feel like under his palms and licked his suddenly dry lips. Had he ever seen a more perfectly shaped behind? He suddenly couldn’t remember. When he finally understood what he had been thinking, he got scared, but, still, he couldn’t remove his gaze, even though he knew he should and fast! He tried to distract his mind, tried to think of women’s breasts, big and round and so perfectly smooth!

Michael squeezed some hair-wax into the palm of his hand and rubbed his hands together. Then, he ran his fingers through his hair, giving it a slightly messy appearance. He observed his own face in the mirror until he happened to catch another glance from Tommy. He was surprised to see where his friend’s gaze was locked onto. There was a pinch in the bottom of his stomach, an almost painful spark of hope, and although reason tried to tell him to leave it at that, he couldn’t. The temptation grew too big and, in the end, what harm could it do?

“You too, Tommy?” he asked, keeping the cunning tone.

“What? Me too, what?” Tommy asked before realizing what Michael had meant. “No! I’m not gay or anything!” Although those words felt painful to hear, Michael made up his mind that he wouldn’t let them get to him; not now, he would tease his friend a moment longer testing his boundaries.

“Then why did you look at my butt so... interested?” he asked and grinned, at the same time wishing that it wasn’t just a game.

“I wasn’t looking!” Tommy yelled in his defense.

“Yes you did! I saw. I’m not blind. You looked for a long time.” Michael laughed, enjoying the situation far more than he should have.

“No!” Tommy still insisted.

“Yes you did! You want me. You’re lusting for me.” Michael was grinning. Tommy’s face was red, and he knew his friend would get mad, still he wasn’t able to stop.

“No I don’t! Shut up.”

“Uh, you want me really bad... You want to fuck me senseless,” Michael continued to tease and chewed on his lip. It would have been wise to hold his tongue. After all, he knew full well of his friend’s temper, which occasionally led to mild violence, but Tommy had never been violent to him, not even threatened. The only situations that Tommy’s violence had sprung forth was when he had defended Michael after he had gotten himself in trouble.

“Stop it Mikey, or I’ll...” Tommy breathed, his hands squeezed into fists on his side and his face still remained pink. Michael didn’t really understand why Tommy took his jesting so seriously now. This wasn’t the first time that he teased his friend in similar fashion.

Michael turned his face and smiled. “Come silence me then, if you want,” he said, sniggering quietly.

“God dammit Michael, you’re so fucking annoying at times,” Tommy huffed. Michael turned back to face the mirror.

“But you like me anyway?”

“But I like you anyway,” Tommy repeated.

“And you want me because of it.” Michael stated next, knowing he was moving in unclear waters.

“And I want....” Tommy started, but then looked at him angrily. “No I don’t! Not like that!”

Michael turned, grinned, and came closer. His heart was beating madly, but somehow he managed to cover how nervous he felt. He sat down next to his friend on the bed, keeping a small distance.

“Yes you do,” he whispered, leaning a little closer. Tommy looked at him for a moment as his eyes narrowed into thin lines and he breathed heavily. For a moment Michael felt the sting of uncertainty, maybe he had gone too far? He thought, but then, quite surprisingly, Tommy grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him into a passionate kiss.

Michael’s heart pounded, was this a dream? It felt so real. He responded willingly to the kiss after recovering from the surprise. And for a moment it was passionate, strong hands on his back. Tommy’s mouth tasted of beer he had drank earlier, and maybe he had already been drinking a couple of them before he had come? Maybe that was the reason for this? However, the other boy didn’t appear so drunk that he would have worked completely without understanding.

This kiss was full of repressed desire, the most passionate he had ever experienced and then, just as suddenly as it had begun, it was over. Tommy withdrew, embarrassed and shocked. He pushed Michael farther and groped to his feet.

“Dammit... dammit...” He cursed over and over, stumbled backwards, and Michael looked at him confused, his lips glistening, slightly swollen and red. “Dammit Michael!” Tommy pointed at his friend almost accusingly.’You are so beautiful′ -cursed. “I’m not... but you are so... Dammit!” he spluttered and escaped the room.

Michael touched his tingling lips with confusion. Tommy had kissed him. It wasn’t only imagination. It was real. He breathed fast, happy and confused, and then realized how fast Tommy had left him. They would have to talk, to clear things. Hope. He felt a spark of hope touching his chest. Could he really be that lucky?

Trembling and overwrought, Michael took his over-shirt and got dressed. He would go to Lucas party, hoping to find his friend and clear things up between them. He was afraid and hopeful at the same time; if Tommy felt the same way, he wouldn’t have to fear any longer.

**^^**^^**^^**

Anxious, nervous, had Tommy even arrived at the party? He had left so suddenly.

Michael congratulated Luke a little hastily, gave him the gift he had gotten in a rush and tried his best to smile, all the while looking around. Half of their school seemed to be there, but he couldn’t see Tommy anywhere.

“Hi Michael,” the familiar voice cooed somewhere close and made Michael turn to the source of it.

“Hi Jenny,” he greeted the girl with a soft voice and smiled. He wanted to ask if she had seen Tommy, but thought that it might sound rude to ask so early on. “How are you?” he asked, instead, and the girl grinned, appearing somewhat drunk. Her tolerance for alcohol had never been laudable.

“Fine, now that you’re here,” she replied and stepped closer. “I missed you. I would like to talk to you, in private,” she whispered and reached to take Michael’s hand in hers.

Michael felt uncomfortable, but didn’t dare to pull his hand away from her hold too soon. Last month’s confusion had led to foolish actions. He had wanted to benormalso badly that he had ended up giving false hope to Jenny. They had dated almost a year, broken up before the summer, and then, just before school started...

Michael regretted it; things were complicated enough. Jenny would hardly understand if he told her the truth. If possible, he wanted to avoid telling her for a moment longer.

“Did you miss me?” Jenny asked, nestling close to him, Michael cleared his throat.

“We just saw each other yesterday,” he replied and smiled, the girl’s eyes darkened for a moment, causing a new stab of regret in his chest. Jenny seemed to notice, seeing how she smiled again.

“Let’s get you something to drink,” she whispered and pulled him towards the living room.

Michael noticed the few jealous looks that he got; Jenny was a stunning girl, perhaps one of the prettiest in their school and any guy would have been lucky to walk in his shoes. How he wished that he could feel that way himself.

On the other hand, Jenny got similarly jealous looks from the other girls; there was no doubt that Michael wouldn’t have comparably been the school’s, or maybe even the whole village’s, handsomest boy.

Michael’s grandmother from his mother’s side was Spanish, and he had inherited the most flattering features from her. Michael’s skin was beautiful, flawless, olive tanned. Chocolate brown eyes were framed with dark, thick eyelashes. His hair was warm auburn brown, soft and full. Michael had the figure of a dancer: he was slim with lean muscles. His height reached up to 180 centimeters. Michael was one of those people who turned heads wherever he walked, girls as well as boys, women as well as men. The boy was, like many would have said; breathtakingly beautiful.

Michael took the glass of punch that Jenny offered.

“Listen, is Tommy here?” he finally dared to ask.

“Yes, I think he went outside. Funny, I thought you two would arrive here together,” Jenny answered, tilting her head a little to the side.

“I’ll go and talk to him,” Michael said looking out of the window.

“As long as you hurry back, I also need to talk with you.” The girl smiled and Michael responded to the smile hastily before retreating to the cool air outside.

He found Tommy sitting at the swings outside, and Michael sat next to him, trying to catch Tommy’s eye.

“Tommy?” He breathed. Tommy turned his gaze upward, taking a gulp of his beer.

“What now?” the other boy asked, trying to sound indifferent.

“You left so suddenly. Don’t you think we should talk?” Michael asked, trying to interpret the look on his friend’s face.

“About what?”

“You know what. I didn’t just imagine it,” Michael responded. Tommy was quiet. Michael collected all his courage to say what he had been thinking for several months.

“Tommy, that kiss... You don’t know how I’ve longed for it... I’ve fallen in love with you, you know and I...” Michael stammered slightly and gently reached for his friend’s hand.

Tommy looked at him with confusion, his eyes wide, a moment of silence that felt heavy around them. Tommy’s eyes moved down to the hand that held his own and the confusion changed into disgust. He quickly pulled his hand on his lap and looked around them hoping that no one had seen.

“God dammit Michael! What are you going on about?” Tommy snapped looking at him with conflicting emotions. “That kiss was a mistake, do you understand!” Tommy spat.‘That kiss was the best I’ve ever had’The voice in his mind argued, but he didn’t want to acknowledge it. No, he didn’t want it to be true!

Michael’s lower lip quailed, he felt a stab in his chest and his eyes were beginning to water, but he did everything he could to prevent his tears.

“I know what I felt Tommy,” he whispered. “I’m scared too. This isn’t easy, but no one kisses like that unless there’s something real behind it...”

Tommy’s face twisted with rage. “It was a mistake! Some sick whim and... a drunken mistake!” Tommy’s voice was low now, asphyxiated almost.

“You’ve never gotten drunk from one beer so much that you wouldn’t know what you’re doing...” Michael stated, with a slightly bitter tone, hurt by Tommy’s reaction.

“I’m not gay!” Tommy snapped. “It’s sick, forget that talk! I don’t want to hear about it ever again, do you understand?!”

Tommy got up, his hands squeezing into fists. His face was still red from fury, and he looked down at his friend in a threatening way. He saw Michael’s eyes glimmering and there was a part of him that wanted to reach out and wipe away the tears, to comfort, to hug, to hold... And these emotions only freaked him out more than before. They weren’t right! “It’s disgusting,” he hissed before he turned and hurried back inside. He wanted to drink and forget, forget that doomed kiss and forget what Michael had said! He wanted everything back to normal.