Finding You

Portland, Maine 2019 (Winter)

I barreled down the staircase to the kitchen. My house was a two story, directly across from the Atlantic Ocean. The view from my bedroom window was breath taking. The ocean, the beach… I was a pretty lucky teenager, really… But I was lonely.

“Is that my daughter, or a stampede of Rhinos?” asked mom, flipping pancakes in the kitchen. I laughed and walked over to her.

“It’s your daughter” I said, kissing her on the cheek. “Are you taking me to school?”

Mom grabbed a spatula and scooped up a pancake. “I’m sorry sweetie, I wish I could but—”

“Brandon’s coming over?” I interrupted. She gave me a weak smile. Ever since dad died, mom kept bringing random men over to try and give me a dad-like figure that I could look up to. But the truth was, no one could replace my dad…

“Hey, you never know…” she said, holding a plate out to me. “He could be the one this time…” She had made the pancakes dad used to make. In the shape of random things. Some were smiley faces, love hearts and diamonds. I pushed the plate away.

“I’m going to get ready for school” I said, heading back up to my room. The second I stepped foot into the safety of my bedroom, I let the tears fall.

Peyton, was written on the cream-colored envelope that I held in my hand. I was sitting on the bus, contemplating whether or not to open the birthday card or to leave it for another year. It had been two years since dad died. He left me a birthday card for my fourteenth and I never opened it. Now, I was sixteen. Today, actually. Mom had forgotten and all I had was the envelope to wish me a happy birthday. If, I was able to bring myself to open it… I took a deep breath and ripped it open, knowing there was no going back. The moment the paper was in my hand, I stopped breathing.

Dearest Peyton,

Happy Birthday my sweet girl! Fourteen is a big number! When I turned fourteen, I got my first job. Hint, Hint… Just kidding, you can always be my little girl even if it means living with me and your mom forever! I hope you got the necklace I sent you… The hospital wouldn’t let me leave, even when I told them it was only for a couple of hours to spend time with my daughter on her birthday.

I clutched the necklace on my neck.

Anyway, I want you to know how much I love you. You will always be my best girl even when I’m not around to tell you so. Hope you have the BEST birthday ever, Peyton!

Love, Dad.

When dad got sick, I remember feeling a mix of emotions. Sad, scared, angry. But now? All I felt was grief. Like I had lost a part of myself. Like I had lost my best friend. Like at any moment, I could fall into a hole and never see the light again. I stuffed the letter into my bag and felt the tears stinging at my eyes. Because the realization that my dad was really gone, had finally sunk in…

Once the bus pulled up outside of Lincoln High School, I waited for everyone else that went to the high school to get off before I did.

“Are you ok, Miss?” asked the bus driver. I turned to face him.

“Yeah” I said, giving him a half smile. “Thanks.” He nodded at me and I hopped off the bus.