Respectfully
Respectfully
I didn’t know if I should write “Dear” or “Greetings”
That would be innocuous
the standard way to start a letter
But it would also be insincere
and if you’ve taught me anything it’s that I don’t want to become like you in any way
So let’s get to the matter at hand
shall we
I’ve thought about what I’d do if you or one of YOUR friends were to reach out to me
But I never truly expected that to happen
I guess that’s yet another thing I got wrong about you
Point for me I guess
You did reach out
Well
Sort of
It was on an app
I’ve been trying to put myself out there after two years of hiding myself from the world
from other people
I thought
maybe
if I tried
I’d find someone who wanted to spend time with me
who would find my Harry Potter and Star Wars obsession charming
who would be willing to go on hikes up the tallest mountains in the state with me
who would want to be my friend
Instead
I found you
after three long years
And we both know what happened last time
Or I thought we did
Am I the only one who remembers how things ended and the part you played in pushing me out from the one group that had once welcomed me and that I considered myself to be a part of
Truly
Did you forget
Did you forget
How I had been ignored
dismissed
laughed at
disparaged
gaslighted
lied to
banished
All for speaking my mind and standing up for everyone regardless of whether or not they were a part of your clique
For trying to ensure that the team continued on beyond our own selfish wants
I remember
I remember asking you for your guidance on how to navigate the dynamics of the group because I respected your judgement and thought that as someone adjacent to but outside of the drama and with a history of leadership that you would care about the wellbeing of everyone in the group and not just the ability of your few friends to rule with impunity and siphon off those they didn’t want to deal with
Another thing I got wrong
You told me you didn’t want to get involved
that you would remain neutral
If only you had told that to the other party as well
But why would you have done that when all you wanted was to surround yourself with those people and push away anyone they deemed unworthy of their attention
Surely
I thought
you of all people would have noticed how much it hurt me to be removed from the group after all the time I dedicated to it
Afterall
I had always believed you to be someone who cared more than the others
and knew what it was like to be alone
But you didn’t notice
You never looked at me
and I never looked at you
And even if you had looked at me you wouldn’t have seen anything past my eyes
you wouldn’t have seen anything
but maybe that’s less because of what I was hiding and more because of your own lack of empathy
How could you have forgotten all of this when you decided to reach out to me and stab at the bubble of calm that I had managed to build around my life these past three years
What was going through your mind
I really want to know
What was going through your mind
Did you think yourself free from any responsibility surrounding your own actions and the actions of those you actually supported
Perhaps the word bully seemed too childish for you to consider how well it suited you
Maybe my life isn’t important enough for you to be considerate of how you relate to it
Or maybe you just truly don’t want to understand how much you hurt me because the knowledge that you aren’t some noble sage would destroy you
Actually
I don’t want to know
Why should I put in the work to understand you when you never even tried to understand me
Nothing you say would make things better anyway
So why am I even bothering to tell you how I’m feeling anyway
You reaching out seems like a strange and misguided way to reconnect something that had never been connected in the first place
Let’s just move on
shall we
What I’m trying to say is this
You had your chance to reach out years ago and you didn’t take it
You could have made things better if you had shown a shred of decency and integrity and had spent the time helping everyone involved reach some sort of resolution that was respectful and just
You could have shown some amount of sensitivity
Fairness
But you didn’t
And I don’t want any of that now
Respectfully
Me
