Mother

The low hum of streetlights can be heard as two women silently walk through the car park. Neither has said a word to the other, the awkward atmosphere growing more and more by the second. One of the women, young in her early 30s’, seethes with unspoken anger. Her auburn hair is tied in a messy bun and her clothes are crumbled as if she just threw them on. The other, a woman in her mid-50s’, dressed in tight denim jeans and a black poncho as her top walks to the car calmly and quietly. Either woman has yet to break the silence even though they both keep making subtle glances at each other. Both too familiar with the situation but not wanting to admit that they’ve been here before.

The first time that it happened, Keri wanted to believe that it had just been a bad night. An isolated incident caused by a little too much wine. She still remembers the embarrassment she felt as she dragged her drunken mother out of the police station. Onlookers and officers watching the pair, looking at Keri with pity in their eyes. Pity that Keri didn’t need or want. Pity that, to this day nearly five years later, still sits in the back of her mind. Reminding her of the humiliation from that night and the anger from the following morning when her mother acted as if nothing happened. Not even offering Keri a thank you or an apology.

Just before they reach the car, Keri stops in her tracks and finally speaks. She turns to her mother and finally lets out her pent-up feelings, five years’ worth of anger and frustration. Her eyes trained on the pavement in front of her. She’s too nervous to look at her mother. Too scared that if she were to look at her mother’s face she’d cave and forgive her again. Scared that if she sees the smallest hint of love or remorse in her mother’s eyes, she’d just hug her and tell her it was alright. So, she keeps her eyes downwards. This has happened too many times and Keri cannot let it slide anymore.

“This has got to stop. I can’t keep acting like the parent in this relationship,” Keri says as she kicks her shoe at a stray pebble near her foot. She lets out a deep breath she hadn’t realised she was holding in, still too afraid to look up, “I can’t continue to come and bail you out just because you’re drunk or high. It’s not fair that you’ve become my responsibility when I already have daughters to look after. Your granddaughters, Mum.” Keri turns to look at the woman she’s just bailed out of lock-up after she was given no response. Alice is avoiding her eyes, staring off to the side and she’s zoning out. Another deep sigh exhales and Keri starts again.

“Are you even listening, Mum?” The woman in question finally turns her head and looks at Keri. She looks frail and tired, the age and exhaustion really settling in her features. Her sunken eyes are still a little glazed over and Keri can see the slightest of tears beginning to form in her mother’s eyes. The smile lines are more evident than ever and the makeup is beginning to fade. She looks like a tired, old woman and it does make Keri ache for her mother. She never used to be like this.

“Yes, I heard you. You’re angry and disappointed again. What’s new?” Alice fights back. The sheer volume and aggression catch Keri off guard, and she takes a step back. Alice’s frustration continues to grow as she speaks, “I can never do anything right by you,” She is looking directly at Keri now, face twisted in anger, “So, I had one bad night, it’s not the end of the world!” She doesn’t mean to raise her voice, but she is over the complaints and moans of her daughter. She turns around, lets a loud groan out and brushes the hair out of her face. Turning back around with a softer expression and less anger, Alice reaches for her daughter’s hands. “I just needed one night to blow off some steam from work, okay honey?” Keri pulls her hands away from her.

Keri looks at her mother in disbelief. “One bad night?” She says with a dry chuckle, no humour behind it at all, “This is the fourth time I’ve had to come and pick you up from the police station this month.” Her voice has risen now as well. The tone is less angry and more pleading. She is trying to get her mother to understand how much this is hurting her. “This is the fourth time I’ve had to leave my daughter’s home alone to make sure that their grandmother is still alive.” Tears are starting to build up in Keri’s eyes now as she lets all the anger and pain she’s been holding in finally spill out. Her daughters idolise Alice. She’s their favourite person and it's been so hard for Keri to make sure that she stays that person.

“They look up to you, Mum. They think that you’re the cool, fun grandma and I’m the bad guy that doesn’t let you come over. I’m always the bad guy!” Keri lets out a hushed cry. “They don’t know that you are an alcoholic. They don’t know that I’m not letting you around because you’d stink of bourbon and cigarettes. I keep that from them every day of their lives so that you stay the cool grandma,” her voice breaks as she talks and her tears begin to fall now. She lowers her head to wipe her eyes dry but comes to no avail. The tears don’t stop. She takes a deep breath before she starts her next sentence because she knows how it’s going to be received. “But I don’t think I can do it anymore, Mum. I can’t keep helping you when you just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.” Keri raises her head to look at her mother and is met with a stone-cold expression. This was the reaction she was expecting but seeing it doesn’t hurt any less. Her mother’s beautiful greyish-blue eyes staring back at her with no emotion behind them will always pain her, no matter how many times she’s seen this exact expression.

“Have you ever thought about me in this situation, Keri? Have you ever thought that, maybe, I could be hurting just as much as you are?” Alice stares back at her daughter with such anger and hurt that Keri can’t even argue back anymore. She has no energy left to fight. She’s spent the last five years having this fight with her mother and it always ends the same. The same empty promises of being better and working on herself are made but then ultimately, they fall through, and the two women are brought back to the police station. Keri wipes her face and finally lets the defeat sink in. She turns her back to her mother and starts to unlock the car. “So you’re giving up?” Alice says voice laced with venom. “You’re giving up on your own mother?” Keri turns her head and stares at her mother in shock.

“One of us has to,” her voice is soft and weak, “and we both know it’s not going to be you.” Keri looks at Alice and, for the first time in the night, sees an unreadable expression on her mother’s face. “There’s only so many promises you can make Mum before they become pointless. So yeah, I’m giving up.” She lets a sigh and grabs her mother’s hands. Her eyes searching deep into her mother’s for any sign of the woman she used to know but Alice is refusing to look back into hers.

“This fight is going to kill us, Mum. And I’d rather walk away now before that happens.” The seriousness in Keri’s voice gets Alice to finally look at her. She finally gets Alice to really look at her and, for the first time in a long time, Alice sees how much she has hurt her daughter. She sees how tired Keri is, how much being the mother out of two of them has hurt her, and the amount of pain she’s been causing over the last few years. Her guilt begins to build in the pit of her stomach and all the anger and frustration from earlier starts to fade.

“I’m sorry, Keri.” Alice softly lets out, the guilt inside now smothering any other emotion, the tears begin to pour out, “I’m so sorry. I will try to get better and get sober. Just please...” Alice lets the sentence fall into the open air. A quiet sob follows it. She lets go of Keri’s hands to wipe the oncoming tears that continue to fall. “Please, don’t leave.” She hugs herself and looks up at her daughter. Keri wants to see this as a genuine reaction. She wants to believe that this is a sincere plea. But she can’t. She’s made the same mistake before and now all she’s thinking of is her daughters. She won’t allow her daughters to be exposed to this behaviour and think it’s normal or acceptable. She can’t.

So, Keri decides to do something she never thought she’d have the courage to do. She’s doing what’s best for her family and hopefully, in the long run, what’s best for her mother. Maybe some time alone will encourage her mother to sort herself out. It may be drastic, but she’s reached the end of her tether. She’s not sure what other choice she has. She looks at her mother in front of her and, as much as it hurts, she knows it’s the best thing for her to do right now. She pulls her purse out and takes out a handful of notes. Alice looks confused and looks up at Keri.

“I’m sorry, Mum. I’m taking the girls and we’re leaving tomorrow. I can’t do it anymore,” Keri brushes some of Alice’s hair out of her face as she speaks. Tears are falling again as she takes a deep breath. “I know it’ll hurt. Believe me, I’m hurting too. But I have to be a better mother for my girls.” She places the money into her mother’s hands and pulls her into a hug. She feels the arms around her tighten and lets a small sob escape. It’s been so long since she’s been hugged by her mother that she’s forgotten how it feels. How comforting it is to have her hold her. “Please, use this for a cab fare home and read that booklet I left on your table last week.” She says quietly into her mother’s ear. Hoping that something from tonight has gotten through to her.

Alice pulls out of the hug first, her eyes watery and makeup running. She’s nodding her head and looks into Keri’s eyes. “Okay.” She says quietly. So quietly, Keri almost misses it. But she hears it, and it sounds genuine enough for her to let go of her mother and feel confident that things could get better. The possibility of their relationship finally resembling a healthy one doesn’t seem so far off anymore.

“I love you. I really do and I always will, Mum. That will never change.