Chapter One
Summer
Sometimes, it’s hard to love my mother.
Her decisions in life, and her inability to care for others, she claims is because she got the shitstick in life. Using all our money on cheap booze and cigarettes, leaving for nights on end, bringing strange men in and out of our rundown trailer, isn’t because of her decision making, no, it’s because of the shitty life God gave her.
Katherine Rhodes is incapable of wrongdoing, it’s the people around her. It’s the universe forever cursing her, beating her down, stripping her of any happiness she was meant to have.
I’ve heard all the excuses. Listened to all her rants as she paced back and forth in the living room of the trailer, a cigarette dangling from her fingers, lipstick smeared on her face.
When I was younger, I felt sorry for her. I held her hair as she vomited in the toilet after being gone for days on a drinking bender. I would run my fingers through her hair as she fell asleep on the cold tile floor. I really thought the world was out to get her. She couldn’t catch a break and that’s why she could never be a mother to me. I took care of her, tried to be there for her.
Yet, as I got older and got tired of her excuses, and realized very quickly she never tried to better herself or our living situation, I lost any sort of sympathy I once felt for her. It wasn’t my job to care for her. To tell her everything was going to be alright. That’s supposed to be her job.
So, any sort of relationship we once had quickly turned to resentment. I’m spoiled, a brat, unappreciative. I’m out to get her just like the rest of the world. And any interaction we shared with one another ended in a screaming match.
My life became about surviving. Taking care of myself. Getting a job so I could get the hell out of here. Doing everything possible to make sure I don’t end up like her. Our home in Arizona is all I’ve ever known. I’m used to being called trash. Getting dirty looks in the hallways and being whispered about is nothing new. And in a way, they aren’t wrong. We are trash.
I’ve been alone my whole life. I didn’t need people to like me, to feel sorry for me. I need to focus on school, on working. I understand why they whisper about my mom and I. Why the nurse would offer me clothes from the lost and found. Why the mothers at school never let their husbands anywhere near her.
She is a homewrecker. A walking catastrophe. Everything she touches turns to ash. Including me. She has forever tarnished my reputation here. Everyone assuming I’m going to end up just like her.
Except, they’re wrong. I won’t. I refuse. I’m going to break the cycle in our family.
And just as I began developing a routine of school and work, Katherine sprung on me that she had met a man online, and we’re moving to go live with him. Without ever meeting him. Without him ever meeting her. For all I know, he probably thinks she’s this perfect housewife who will fold his laundry and pour him and his friends drinks while they sit around smoking their cigars. My mother is a liar. That is for certain. She’s deceptive. Not much that comes out of her mouth is the truth.
So, as I angrily sit beside her in her beat-up Pinto that is about to crumble into a million pieces, I chew absentmindedly on the inside of my mouth, trying to work my brain hard enough to teleport me back to Arizona. This isn’t a good idea. This isn’t going to end well.
My mother gave me all but one day to inform me of this rash decision. She very suddenly sprung it on me as I arrived home from work to see her throwing random clothes into a worn-down suitcase.
“Baby, good news,” She said, “I met someone, someone I’ve been looking for my whole life, and baby, he’s rich. So rich, and he’s offering to let us live with him.” She stopped shoving clothes into the overflowing suitcase and in one quick stride brought herself over to me, making my entire body stiffen. “This is our chance, baby. We’re getting out of here. No more busting our asses to keep afloat. No more stinky, old trailer. We’re going to be rich! God is on my side for once. I can’t pass up this opportunity. If I don’t jump on this now, God’s going to punish me.”
My mouth gaped open as I watched her continue to move swiftly around the house, gathering all she could find. “You’re joking.” I grumbled.
“I would never joke about this, baby. He’s going to be your new dad, and we’re going to be among the wealthy. Can you believe it?”
I laughed. “Well, I’m not going. I have friends here...” Lie, complete lie. “I have a job and school! You can’t do this to me.”
“Oh, baby, we both know nobody likes you at that damn school.” She waves her hand at me as she fumbles in the kitchen. “Screw it. We don’t need any of this junk.”
“He could be a sex offender.” I fold my arms tightly across my chest. “Or an axe murderer. You don’t even know the guy.”
“I know he has money, and that’s all that matters. Now go pack your things, you’re coming whether you like it or not.”
And that was that. I packed my things, we hopped into the car, and took off towards Cayucos, California. A place I’ve never even heard of. Unsure if this man we’re going to live with is even who he says he is. If he even exists at all. For all we know, he could be some fat middle-aged dude living in the basement at his mom’s house. But this is how Katherine did things. No thinking. Just impulsive decisions. Dragging me down with her.
“Feel that air, baby?” My mom says and leans her head back against the seat.
“It’s not like there wasn’t any air in Arizona.” I grumble, and she pushes my head.
She holds her arm out the window, moving her hand in the wind like a wave in the ocean. “You’ve never even seen the ocean, baby. You’re going to love it. The opportunities are endless here. Do you realize the life you’re going to have now, Auden?”
The salty air filters in through the windows. I breathe it in secretly, not wanting her to know how much I love it. How beautiful it really is here. “Yes, I can’t wait to be molested by this new sex offender boyfriend.” I reply flatly, and she lets out a groan.
“You are so much like your father. Always bitter and negative.” Her go to insult. The worst thing she can possibly say to me. Her way of always reminding me of the trash I came from. It’s like she can’t wait for opportunities to throw it in my face. I’ve never met him, but from the way she describes him, he is the devil himself. The worst person imaginable who left as soon as my mom found out she was pregnant. Never to be seen again.
Sometimes, a part of me doesn’t blame him for leaving. Getting out when he could. I like to imagine him as a pilot now, traveling the world. My mom and I are just a hiccup in his past. Something he’d rather not remember. I don’t like to imagine him as the alcoholic, loser Mom describes meeting at a bar late one night. A drunken hookup led to me, an accident neither of them wanted. Now my mom is stuck with me, and her love is something I’ve never received. I’m more like an irritating roommate she can’t get rid of. Just waiting for the day she can evict me.
I can feel it. The itch she has to rid herself of me so she can have the life she’s always dreamed of. As if I’m the thing holding her back and preventing her from achieving it. I wonder what my life would have been like if my dad had taken me instead. Would we have been best friends? Going fishing and camping together. Would he have taught me how to drive? Scolded me and told me to stay away from teenage boys?
The long stretch of highway we’ve been stuck on for ten hours now, finally turns to city roads and streetlights, bringing us closer to the house. I press my forehead against the window, taking it all in. Looking at the coastal houses and the laid-back surf shops. Teenagers my age in wet suits, towing surfboards under their arms as they make their way down to the beach.
A completely different look from the desert I know so well. The air is crisp here. Smooth, like the ocean breeze will make my skin forever clear. Like the cool breeze will blow away all my worries. I don’t want to admit it, but it’s nice here. Beautiful. I’ve never been out of the small town I grew up in.
It’s strange to see the world outside of Yuma. Like I wanted nothing more to get away, to break out of that bubble, but at the same time, it was hard to imagine a world outside of that town. A world where things are different and nobody knows who I am. Maybe this is the fresh start I need. A clean slate where I can be someone other than Katherine Rhode’s daughter. Someone other than the trailer trash people labeled me as. I can try to shed my skin; be the person I’ve always wanted to be. That just entails trying to avoid my mom and her new creeper boyfriend at all costs.
Katherine turns left at the stoplight, bringing us into a neighborhood consisting of nice houses that line the coast.
My mom squeals with excitement. “Can you believe it? This is our home now! Right on the beach. I can get into jogging, buy a dog, make friends with all the rich bitches here.”
I snort at her sudden change in demeanor. Her strangely upbeat outlook on this town and moving in with a complete stranger. It’s at least a change from her usual, boo-hoo-everyone’s-out-to-get-me, attitude. “Yeah, maybe if we’re lucky we can get accepted into the underground club that watches poor people fight.” I dramatically sigh. “My life is really turning around.”
“Baby, even your annoying ass sarcasm can’t damper my mood right now.” She pushes her hair off her face, before finally pulling into the long driveway of a dark blue two-story house with white rose bushes lining the front porch and a freshly cut green lawn. White shudders on the windows and a white rocking chair with a pot of multicolored flowers sit on the porch. The house looks like it jumped straight out of an HGTV show. And it hasn’t quite hit me yet that this is where I’ll be living. For how long, I have no clue.
The longest relationship my mom has been in lasted about three months. Not accounting for the countless nights they spent screaming at one another, throwing around plates at the other’s head. I’ve never liked any of her boyfriends. It’s as if she attracts the worst of the worst. The scummiest of men. The ones who treat her like filth. That made her feel as low as possible. Some were married, some were men she met at a casino, most were ones she met at the bar. My whole life was a revolving door of new men. I didn’t ever feel safe with them in the house. I knew my mother wouldn’t protect me if they chose to do anything. Men, booze, and cigarettes came first in her life. A long list before me.
This man can’t be any different. They never are. All the same assholes.
My mom pulls down the mirror in her car, examines herself, fluffing up her hair, and licking her lips before shutting off the car. “Now, remember, Auden, make sure to smile, and don’t ruin this for us, okay?” She tells me as she steps out.
My eyes look over the house in a complete trance. I shut the car door behind me, it creaks and moans. Does he really live in this big house all by himself? Why would one even need a house this size? I mean, compared to the other ones in the neighborhood, it’s not quite as large. Not that I’m complaining.
I follow my mom up the porch and hold onto my elbow nervously as she rings the doorbell. What if this is all a scam? Or a set up? What if he’s a horrible person?
I don’t think I can handle another one of mom’s shitty boyfriends.
There’s movement behind the door before it’s finally thrown open. A man appears before us. Tall, white, and dark brown hair that has some wisps of grey in it, and coffee-colored eyes. He is wearing tan suede shoes with jeans and a brown sweater. He looks like a rich guy. A dude with a big house who has no idea what to do with it.
His eyes light up at the sight of us.
My mom immediately throws her arms around his neck, latching onto him like those sticky hand toys. “Henry!” she exclaims with excitement. “I’m so happy to finally see you. So long overdue. We’re so thankful you’ve let us come and stay here.”
He pulls away and looks down at her, smiling. “Of course. You’re even more beautiful in person, Katherine.” He then looks over at me, and I stiffen under his gaze. “Auden, wow, I’ve heard so much about you. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” He extends his hand out to me.
I keep mine by my side. “Hi,” I mumble, and my mom shoots me a glare. “You really live here all alone?”
“Auden!” My mom snarls.
Henry waves her off. “Auden, feel free to ask me any questions you want. I’m an open book.” I seriously doubt that. “I lived here at one point with my wife, but we divorced a few years ago, so it’s just me here now.”
“No kids?”
“Nope, my wife didn’t want children.”
“But you did?”
He shrugs. “Always what I envisioned, but unfortunately, life didn’t work out that way.”
“And you decided to invite two strangers to come live with you?”
My mom looks like she’s about to leap across Henry and strangle me. Henry, surprisingly, lets out a laugh. “Well, your mom and I have been talking for quite a while now. I know this is all very weird, and I hope the move wasn’t too hard on you. But I really like your mom, Auden, and I hope you guys enjoy living here. She mentioned you guys needed a place to stay, and I’ve got all these empty rooms.”
I arch an eyebrow. “Well, we weren’t homeless.”
“Auden, please, can we get through the door before you start drilling the man?” My mom produces the fakest laugh, and I roll my eyes before dropping my bag on the ground, my eyes looking over the house.
It’s even nicer inside. Henry takes us on a tour of the house. Five bedrooms, six bathrooms. Because one person needs six bathrooms to shit in. The large white kitchen that overlooks the ocean. A dining room with a big, black piano in it. A gorgeous, curved staircase that leads to the loft upstairs and all the bedrooms.
“And this will be your room, Auden. I hope you like it. At one point, it was my wife’s reading and workspace.” He reveals the room to me, and I’m left in awe.
Speechless. A window seat overlooking the sea. A wall from floor to ceiling with built-in bookshelves, each inch of which is crammed with books. My bed is a dark blue color, just like the house, with white pillows. There’s a bathroom connected to it and a large walk-in closet for my nonexistent clothes. There’s a TV and a dark blue accent chair adjacent to it. A room I’ve only ever dreamed of. Never truly believing I would ever have. It doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel like mine. Because technically it isn’t. This isn’t my life. This has never been my life. My life is a trailer back in Arizona. Where tumbleweeds blow by, and our only neighbors consist of crackheads. Where our electricity is out nearly half the time, and the fridge is always bare.
This is almost too much. It’s hard for my mind to grasp. I almost don’t want to believe this is real because I know once I do, it’ll be over. My mom will grow bored of Henry, or he’ll quickly realize she isn’t who he thought she was, and then we’ll be leaving. Truly homeless, with no place to go. Out on the streets again like the trash we’ve always been.
“Do you like it?” Henry asks me.
I nod silently and slip out of my ratty tennis shoes that have a hole in my big toe. I stare up at the molding on the ceiling. Run my finger along the shelving. I want to dive into the bed, feel the fabric on my skin.
“I’m glad. The maid comes every Friday, and the fridge is always stocked. Feel free to grab whatever you need. I know starting a new school is scary, so whatever you need for school supplies or clothes, I can help out with that.”
I look at him suspiciously. Trying to analyze him. Figure out what he gains from this. What are his motives exactly? Why is he being so nice? Something has to be off. “I’m fine, thanks.” My words are short. Skeptical.
He either doesn’t notice or doesn’t seem to care as he continues the tour through house with a happy tone, oblivious to the fake façade my mom is putting on in front of him. I can already tell she’s going to fake the perfect housewife role. Like she isn’t actually a raging alcoholic with a million problems. Who does he think she is?
I stay back in the room, sitting down on top of the bed. Moving my hand along the comforter, I inhale a deep breath. If I fall asleep right now, will I wake up back home? Will this all be nothing but a dream? I’m unsure if I want to wake up. Because right now, everything feels too good to be true. There’s no way this is going to last, and there’s definitely no way my mom is going to be able to keep up with this act.
.
