Rekindling Fate

Kai

I woke up to that feeling of my mouth watering and my stomach churning, giving me warning that I had about five seconds to get to the bathroom. I made it just in time, bracing myself on the toilet seat as I brought up the remnants of any possible thing left that I had consumed the night before. The last thing I remembered was digging through the cabinet above the fridge, looking for any type of alcohol that may have been left over the years. I remembered finding cheap whiskey and figured that it had to have been left there by Kyle, because I knew for fact that Paul or I never would have been that cheap.

When I finally stopped heaving I flushed the toilet, then sat down on the floor and leaned against the side of the tub as I caught my breath. I rested my heavy head in my hands as I rubbed my temples, my self-hatred at an all-time high. I should have been home in bed with my wife last night. I should’ve been trying to avoid waking Brayden up while getting the girls together now to get them to school on time before heading to the garage. I should’ve been past this point of my grief from losing our baby boy before he even got to open his eyes and take his first breath.

That last thought, that was the one that had fucked me up to the point where I made the decision to leave my family and crash above the garage. Maggie was twenty weeks pregnant, and we had just started getting the nursery together when it happened. I remembered waking up to her crying and shaking, finally realizing what was happening when I noticed that she was sitting in a pool of watery blood in our bed. We both knew he was gone from that moment, even though neither of us said it. The tears slipped down my face as I followed the ambulance in the truck, but I forced myself to pull it together for Maggie while we waited for the doctor to come do her ultrasound in the labor and delivery triage area.

The next twenty-four hours were the worst hours of my life. No amount of time to prepare myself would have ever been enough. Nothing that the chaplain said could have softened the blow of being at my wife’s side when she gave birth to our lifeless baby boy. I had never experienced an emotional pain like that before. It felt like my heart was ripped from my chest. I had never heard Maggie cry like that before or since that night. Losing a child was hard enough, but seeing her pain from the loss of her child was damn near enough to put me in an early grave.

The next few months were difficult, to say the least. That was when this rough patch started. We were both left broken, and when we needed each other most we instead pushed each other away. We were attempting marriage counseling with a family therapist, and Maggie had decided to go by herself as well. While we learned to communicate better, it did nothing for the way that the incident had triggered my PTSD from the war. Every night I would wake up in a cold sweat from the intense night terrors. I could be at work, with the kids, or trying to relax at night when the flashbacks would hit. When I had enlisted at age eighteen, I thought it would be so cool to become a sniper. I had no idea of the emotional toll it would take on me, or that it would successfully fuck me up for the rest of my life.

It had been about six months since I had fallen so deep that I started self-medicating with alcohol. At first I’d tear through a six pack or two when I was having a bad day. It quickly increased to hard liquor, and a couple of weeks ago it progressed into drinking anything I could get my hands on, nearly every night. My arguments with Maggie started getting bad again, but I didn’t decide to leave until I realized how bad I was fucking up my kids.

I had woken up on a Sunday morning, face down on the living room carpet with an empty bottle of Jack next to me. When I finally became alert enough to realize where I was and what was going on around me, I saw Maggie trying to usher the kids out the front door for church. I knew when she looked back at me that I had to go. I knew that I had to get a grip on reality before I had pushed her and the kids away for good, and I had stopped drinking altogether since then, until last night.

I had finally gone to see a therapist who had the specialized training and experience of treating combat veterans who suffered from PTSD. Maggie had been trying to get me to go since my PTSD had been triggered by everything that happened, but I had always felt like doing so would mean I failed. I had finally realized that my true failure had been refusing to get help until I got bad enough to scare my kids, but I had not been ready for the wakeup call that had been handed to me by my new therapist last night. When he asked me to talk about all of the negative things that had materialized from my refusal to get treatment, I realized how much of a shitbag I really was.

I had hurt and pushed away everyone around me, first immediately after the war with the family I was born into, and again since being triggered with the family I had created.

I had packed a few bags and loaded them in the truck before Maggie and the kids got back home early in the afternoon. I followed her up to our bedroom when the kids went to get changed, and I admitted to her that I knew I needed help. She asked me to stay, but I knew putting her and the kids through my bullshit would only make everything ten times worse. We found the kids playing out back by the time we had come out of the bedroom, and we gathered them all on the porch as we broke the news. I had promised them that this was only temporary, and had seen them a handful of times since I had left. Maggie on the other hand hadn’t spoken to me or come to our counseling appointments since that day. I couldn’t say I blamed her.

I shook my head, trying to clear the cobwebs in my brain as I reached behind me to turn the shower on. I stood and made my way over to the sink to brush my teeth as the water heated up, deciding that I needed to go try to talk with Maggie. All the kids would be in school by the time I got my shit together and made it over there, she will have already dropped Brayden off at kindergarten by then.

After getting myself cleaned up and somewhat decent, I made a cup of coffee and stopped down at the shop to let Kyle know I was taking the day off before heading for home. He and his girl had just bought a place not too far from the shop, so I at least was able to crash upstairs and suffer in my misery alone.

I pulled into the long driveway, parking outside next to the house. I opened my tailgate and sat down, lighting a cigarette as I waited for Maggie to get home. I had picked up the bad habit again the first night I had spent at the apartment, and knew that Maggie would murder me if I even thought about smoking on the front porch.

I took out my phone and started going through the text messages I had gotten last night and never replied to, my chest tightening as I realized that Anna had texted me and I never answered her. It was only a simple “Goodnight, Daddy. I love you.” She had texted me the same thing every night since I had left, the difference was that last night was the first time I didn’t respond with a “Goodnight, baby girl. I love you to the moon.”

I tried to think about how I was going to recover from not answering her when I heard the garage door open and looked up to see Maggie coming up the drive. I rubbed my cigarette out on the gravel drive, leaving the butt in the bed of my truck before standing and closing the tailgate. Maggie glanced at me and shook her head, and I knew she was going to tear me a new one when she finally started speaking to me again.

I followed her car into the garage and waited until she shut off the engine before opening her door for her. She didn’t even look at me as she grabbed her purse off of the passenger seat and climbed out. I shut the door behind her before following her into the house, bracing myself when we made it into the kitchen and she dropped her purse on the island before turning to look at me with her hand on her hip.

“Maggie, I…”

“Shut the fuck up, Kai.” She nearly growled as she cut me off.

She was really pissed.

“Do you have any fucking idea what you’re doing to our kids? Anna cried herself to sleep last night because you didn’t text her back.” She scolded me. “This morning Brayden wouldn’t stop asking if you were going to be here when he got home from school, and I’ve gotten calls from the school nurse because Allie has had stomach aches for the last three days.” She paused as she looked up at the ceiling and took a couple of deep breaths.

“Look, I know…” I tried to apologize.

“You don’t know shit, Kai. You’re not fucking here to know shit. You said you wanted to get your shit straight for me and the kids, but they can’t stop wondering what’s happening because you don’t ever talk to them about it. They look to me for answers but half the time I don’t know what to say.” Her eyes met mine and her bottom lip started trembling. “You stood there and fed them a line about how you didn’t want to go, but you needed to take time to get help so that you could be a better father. This is the first time you’ve stepped any further than inside the front door since the day you left.” Her voice cracked as she let out a sob.

“Shit, Maggie.” I sighed as I slowly started towards her.

She glared up at me as I reached her, and I took a risk by wrapping my arms around her shoulders and pulling her up against me. Her body stayed rigid as she wiped the tears from her face, stubbornly not letting me try to comfort her in the way I knew she needed.

“I’m sorry, I know this isn’t easy.” I told her softly. “I’m not trying to hurt them, not trying to hurt you more than I already have, but I know that until I can pull my shit together I’d be doing more damage if I were here.”

“What does that even mean?” She looked up at me angrily. “I don’t understand why you have to be somewhere else in order for you to quit drinking and being a dick.”

“It’s not about the things I’m trying to do, it’s about me not backsliding in front of the kids over and over.” I admitted as I gently tightened my arms around her.

She finally gave in, letting her arms rest loosely around my waist and allowing me to hold her close.

“I stopped drinking the day I left, and I didn’t hit the bottle again until last night after I met with my trauma therapist.”

She finally looked up at me, her eyes softening slightly.

“Turns out that all these years of masking and compartmentalizing fucked me up even more.” I shared. “I stopped and got a bottle of bourbon on my way back to the apartment, and then when that ran dry I went on a rampage and half destroyed the kitchen in search of anything that may have been stashed away over the last fourteen years.”

“You know, if you were home with your family, it might have deterred you from doing something so stupid.” She seethed.

“But if it didn’t, I would have hurt everyone more.” I nuzzled against the side of her hair, breathing her in. “I want nothing more than to be home with you and our family, but I need to make sure that I’m finally coping in healthy ways. You healed a lot of my broken soul when you walked into my life years ago, but there are pieces of me that I’ve kept buried so deeply over the years that are surfacing and coming out in all of the wrong ways.” I tried to explain as best as I could.

She looked up at me again as her eyes filled with more tears.

“What made you finally decide to get the help that you need?” She asked just louder than a whisper.

“Us and the beautiful babies we made together,” I answered.

I felt my eyes starting to swell with threatening tears and she reached up and placed her hand over my stubbled cheek. I placed my hand over hers and turned my head to lightly kiss her palm before meeting her gaze with mine again.

“I let all of you down. I was focused so much on you guys and blaming myself for what happened that I never let myself grieve. I tried to fix everyone and everything else instead of focusing on myself,” I confessed as I felt a tear slide down my cheek.

“Kai,” she let out in a breathy tone. “Nothing you did or didn’t do would have saved him. The doctors told us that over and over. What happened was not preventable, and there’s no way we could have known what was happening before it was too late.” She tried to reason with me as she had many times before.

“I know, Mags. I’ve come to terms with that, but the way I’ve turned into the fucking monster that I am since then is unforgiveable.” I scoffed and shook my head. “I can see it in your eyes when you look at me. I’m fucking destroying us, tearing your heart to shreds. I can’t come back home for good until I can be a better husband and father. I’m working on it, but I still need some time.”

“Fine, but stop acting like you don’t live here and it’s not your home.” She gently but firmly demanded. “It wouldn’t kill you to actually spend some time with us. How else do you expect the kids to believe you when you tell them it’s only temporary?” She questioned rhetorically.

I nodded in agreement.

“I love you, Maggie. I know we have a lot to work on, but I promise that home for me will always be where you are.”

She nodded with a sniffle, and I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers briefly before we both tightened our embrace and she rested her head against my chest as I curled my fingers into her hair. I felt her warm breath against the skin of my neck as she let out a yawn she couldn’t hold back. I lightly kissed the top of her head before pulling back a bit to look down at her again.

“Why don’t you go lie down and take a nap,” I suggested. “I’ll pick up the kids in a few hours and we can all sit down and have dinner together.”

“Yeah?” She questioned softly.

“Yeah.” I nodded, smiling back as I tucked her loose bangs behind her ear. “I’ll go get some stuff to throw on the grill and we can just have a low-key night.

“Are you moving back in?” Anna asked when Maggie ran upstairs to use the bathroom after we finished eating.

While she said she forgave me for not texting her back last night when I pulled her aside earlier, she was clearly trying to provoke me into an argument.

“I never moved out, baby. Mom and I are just working on some things, and it’s better for everyone if I’m not here all the time right now.” I tried to reassure her. “We talked about it today and I’m going to spend more time at home with you guys.”

“And with Mom?” Allie added.

“Yes, with everyone.” I clarified.

“When are you coming back for good?” Allie questioned.

“Hopefully soon.” I answered. “It’s a decision that Mom and I have to make together.”

“Krista said you guys were going to get divorced. She said that now that you moved out, you won’t come back.” Anna informed me.

I had to bite my tongue and think about what I was going to say before I opened my mouth. That kid was a terrible influence on Anna, and I wish Anna would see through her BS and move on to new friends. I was still holding out hope that when she made it to high school in another year she would spread her wings and find another group to spend time with.

“I’ll be sure to take Krista’s opinion into account before I come back then.” I rolled my eyes and she smirked. “Krista and her thirteen years on earth have no idea how the real world works. In the meantime, Mom and I are going to keep working towards me coming back home for good. When I married her it was for better or for worse. Life isn’t always perfect and people make mistakes, but I’m still very much in love with Mom and we haven’t even talked about getting divorced. There are situations when divorce has to happen, but ours is not one of them.”

“What are we saying about Mom?” Maggie asked as she rejoined us.

“Are you kicking Daddy out forever?” Brayden looked up at her like a deer in headlights.

“What?” She furrowed her brow. “Who said that?”

“Anna’s stupid brat friend.” Allie ratted her out.

“We don’t call people stupid,” Maggie reminded her. “Dad and I aren’t separating, we’re not getting a divorce, and he’s not staying away forever.”

Maggie moved behind me and rested her hands on my shoulders, massaging the tension in my muscles and nearly making my eyes roll back in my head. The last time she had voluntarily initiated contact was months ago. I missed her touch and the intimacy we had with each other. I missed getting away for the weekend with her and completely tuning out the rest of the world. I just missed my fucking wife and everything about her.

“Dad and I still love each other, and people who love each other like we do don’t turn their backs on each other and split up just because stuff gets hard.” Maggie added. “I’m sorry for Krista that her life experiences have taught her otherwise, but I promise that you guys don’t have to worry about that.”

I reached up and placed my hand over one of hers, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Whatever,” Allie mumbled, rolling her eyes. “Can we be excused? We’re done eating.” She sighed.

“Yes. Go play while I help Mom clean up.” I nodded towards the back door.

All three of them quickly got up and scrambled outside.

“Tough crowd,” I said with wide eyes. I stood up and started collecting everyone’s dirty plates and utensils.

“You should try being here with them by yourself for two weeks, especially when you don’t know how to answer questions about their other parent,” Maggie snapped back.

She shook her head as she went over to the sink to start rinsing dishes to load up the dishwasher. I finished collecting everything from the table, carrying it over and setting it on the counter next to the sink. I slipped my arms around Maggie’s waist from behind, leaning around and pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. “I can’t help that my demons tend to come out every night. I’m really trying to get better, but the last thing I want is for me to hurt you or the kids.” I paused, reaching forward to shut off the faucet, turning Maggie to face me. “During our counseling sessions I’ve told you about the flashbacks, you’ve experienced the night terrors first hand.” I took a deep breath.

“What I haven’t told you yet is when I woke up face down on the carpet the other weekend, I couldn’t and still can’t remember anything that happened at all between leaving work that Friday and waking up on Sunday. I got so drunk that I blacked out for almost two full days,” I finally admitted.

Maggie scoffed, shaking her head side to side in disappointment.

“I blacked out once or twice in the month or so before that, but only for maybe a couple of hours. It was fucking terrifying to realize that I had somehow co-existed in the same house with you and the kids while I was so shitfaced that I lost an entire weekend. What would have happened if one of the kids got hurt, or you went out not realizing how bad I was. I could have fucking fell down the stairs carrying Brayden to bed and seriously hurt both of us.” I swallowed nervously.

I watched Maggie’s face go through a gamut of emotions as she tried to process what I had just admitted to her.

“At some point I passed out on the sofa last night, and I woke up so hungover this morning that I barely made it to the bathroom in time. There was no way in Hell I would be able to stand down in the hot garage all day and work.” I paused.

Maggie’s eyes were filling with tears again, and I hated that it was me that caused it.

“I don’t want the kids to see me like that. I mean… Fuck. I don’t want you to see me like that or even have to be aware of it happening, but we’ve always been honest with each other since the beginning, and I’m not trying to give you any more of a reason not to trust me that I’m trying to change things,” I finally got out.

“Well, I can at least appreciate your honesty.” She sighed, wiping the tears from her face again. “Kai, I can’t tell you that I understand what you’re going through, because clearly I’ve never done the shit you did in the Army. All I can do is support you and love you through this, but I can only do that if you are making a conscious effort to come back to your family for good.”

“I swear on my life, baby. I want things to go back to how they used to be, and I’ll make sure that I’m here more often now that I know you still want me here.” I sniffled as I felt my tears start to fall.

“The kids miss the shit out of you, and I just want the real you back.” She let out a small sob. “I miss the man that ditched one of his best friends’ entire wedding party just to tell me that he was in love with me the same way that I was in love with him. I miss my husband taking advantage of every opportunity to show me how much he loves me and is still attracted to me as much as he was the first night we met.”

At this point I was crying just as much as she was, choking on my own small sob. I cupped her cheek, leaning in and brushing a kiss to her forehead before catching her lips with mine. When she responded with the same amount of need, I deepened the kiss as I held her tightly. We poured our emotion into the moment as our tears finally stopped falling and we got lost in each other for the first time in a long time. When we finally stopped to catch our breaths, she rested her head down as she nuzzled into the crook of my neck and I tangled my hand in her hair as I just took in the feeling of having her in my arms like that again.

“I love you so much it hurts, Mags,” I mumbled against her hair. “I’m attracted to you even more than I was in the beginning. Neither of us are getting any younger, and your amazingly perfect body has carried all four of our babies and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”