2012

“I was enchanted to meet you, my dear beauty, rest in peace.” Baba’s voice cracked up as tears rolled down his cheek.

My best friend, Stella comes to stand next to me as I put down the daises next to Mama’s gravestone. They were her favorite flowers, and seven was always her lucky number. May was her favorite month,May. That’s me.

On the car ride home, flashbacks of the accident fly through my head. She was supposed to take me to get ice cream as a reward for getting full marks. The car flew out of nowhere and crashed into ours. I remember hearing sirens as I woke up to the car filled with blood.

When we got home, I ran upstairs to my bedroom as Baba called after me to wait. “May! Please wait!” I locked my door as I heard Baba say, “Wo ai ni baobei”

Baba only spoke Chinese to me when he was mad, or sad. I love you baby, that’s what he said. He shouldn’t love me, it was my fault Mama died. If only I had accepted her offer for her yummy fried rice instead of begging her to take me out to get ice cream.

I lay down on my bed as I finally let my tears fall.

“You can’t live in the past forever, you have to move on,” that’s what Mama always told me, but this time, I won’t be able to move on, how will I ever?

I try to be excited for Stellie as I walk through the halls. Putting on a faint smile, I approached her. “Hi-” but Stella’s sad smile makes me cut off my sentence. “I’m moving,” she doesn’t look at me.

Panic seizes my heart, my world just fell apart.

Stella, she just broke my world.

I want to speak as her eyes finally connect to mine.Why? Why? Why?Are the only thoughts I hear but nothing comes out. Oh, don’t cry,please don’t cry. Sixth graders don’t cry in front of 8th graders.

Tears start to prickle my eyes, I try my hardest to blink them away but I fail anyways. Rushing out of the hallways, I turn to Main Street where Stella lived. It was true, she was moving, the “For Sale” sign shined brightly in the sunlight.You need to accept the fact that she’s going to be gone.

But how could I? I wish you were here, Mama.

Baba’s voice is clear when I walk through the front door “Mei Mei, what happened?” he’s voice is concerned as he comes and hugs me. “Stella’s moving,” I finally say when Baba sits me down on the couch.

Baba’s smile is faint but he looks at me with sparkles in his eyes anyway. “She’ll be back, don’t worry, baobei” I wish words could fix everything right now. I wish everything was back to normal. I wish Mama was here with me right now.

I just want everything to go back to the way it was, is that too much to ask for?

Maybe, just maybe, if I changed a little bit, will everything else change too? Is it because of what I looked like?

I knew there was always something wrong with me. Is Mama’s death my fault because of my looks too?

If I had pretty blonde hair, and skinny legs and used makeup to cover up my face, would everything be different?

I hadn’t realized I was saying my thoughts out loud, andreallyhadn’t realized tears were falling down my cheek. “Baobei, never think those things. You’re perfect the way you are,”

“You’re already so skinny,” his faint smile looks at me as if it would help. “No Baba, I wish I was like the other girls”

“Listen to me Mei Mei, you are your father and mother’s gift from the god above, no matter what happens we will always love you”

“Not we Baba,” I said with air quotes. ”I killedMama!”

“Nonsense,” his voice was in disbelief. I realized that he wouldn’t understand anything. He didn’t know what it was like to lose a mother, he only knew with it was like with a wife.

Mama was going to miss so many things in my life. She won’t be able to pick out my prom dress, she won’t be the one screaming the loudest from the crowd at my graduation and totally embarrass me.

It was now May 17th, Stellie was moving in 10 days, onmy birthday. Now Mama was going to miss out on all the traditions. She won’t be in the yearly family photo and she won’t blow out the candles with me anymore.

Baba had asked me who I wanted invite this year for my birthday but I just told him I didn’t want to celebrate it without Mama.

He said yeye (grandpa) and nainai (grandma) we’re going to come anyway to see me. “They want to see their beloved granddaughter Mei Mei who looks identical to their beautiful daughter,” Baba had said.

I didn’t want to bring up the ‘I’m not pretty’ conversation again because I didn’t want Baba to feel sad again. It would’ve ruined his happiness again and it would be my faultagain.

Why can’t I be perfect?

But then Mama’s words fill my head again, “Nothing’s perfect; if it is then it’s most certainly not human!” She had said it with a chuckle and had hugged me so tight.

I would never forget Mama. And even if Baba remarried, Mama was going to be the only

Mama that I would consider asmyMama.

Soon, there was a knock on my bedroom door, I stood up and patted my hair down. Stood behind the door was Stella with a half smile. Her wavy hair laid down by her shoulders as her eyes lit up at mine.

“Hey, I wanted to make sure you were okay,”

“Of course I am”

“Are you sure May? You don’t need to lie to me just because I’m a year and a half older,”

I just wanted to hug Stella right then and there but I kept my arms to myself.

We ended up just sitting in my bedroom and talking about Stella’s new room and school, and how she hopes to make new friends.

What about me?I thought.

I had many dreams of Stella moving away, one of the worst ones were that she had gotten into an accident just like how Mama did.

The day had come. The day that I used to think would never come. The day that felt like a death wish. The day I hope would never repeat.

May 27th, 2012.

The day Stella leaves.

Baba insisted I went over to Stella’s house this morning, so I did. I clenched the daisies right in my hands and the friendship bracelet I had made the night before.

Ringing the doorbell, Stella’s sister Iris, opened the door, they looked so alike yet so different. “Oh hey May, STELLA MAY IS HERE!” I flinched as Iris yelled up the stairs.

“Come on in,” Iris said as I walked inside. Even though I had been inside their house a million times, it felt so different this time.

I walk into Stella’s room where she pokes her head out of a box. Her room is now completely empty, with the only thing in it is a mattress.

“I’m glad you’re here!” Stella says, and this might be the first time in a month where I heard actual excitement in her voice and the brightness in her eyes.

Handing over the flowers and the bracelet, Stella’s smile widens even bigger as she places them gently into another box that is filled with all her books. “Thank you so much, Mei Mei. I promise I’ll never forget you,”

“Will you keep in touch?” I ask in a low whisper, I’m always big on promises and I can usually always count on Stella for keeping hers.

Her smile becomes faint again, “Of course I will, and you know what? I’ll mail you something from time to time so you know that I’m out there, missing you right back.”

“Oh and before I forget-” she added on as she grabbed something from her mattress. It was a box. “Happy 12th birthday, May! Open the gift once I leave, okay?”

Nodding my head I agreed.

“Stella! It’s time to go!” Iris shouts my downstairs as my heart starts to sink again. Nervousness seizes my body and I can feel my legs becoming jelly.

I fight back tears as Stella and I walk downstairs hand in hand until we reach the car. Stella looks back at her house one last time and says “I guess this is the end of an era!” She almost sounds relieved.

Baba then comes out of our house and waves at Stella and me. “Here, some cookies for the trip. May baked them the other day” he said it with a big grin as he patted me on the back.

Stella took the box of cookies and hopped into the backseat of her car.

“I’ll miss you, Stellie” my voice cracked up and in the end, I let myself cry and Stella almost cried too. We waved our last goodbye and soon the car drove away.

Walking back into my bedroom, I felt so empty inside. It felt like something had been ripped right out of me. Remembering the birthday gift that Stella handed me, I opened it gently.

Inside laid a letter and a touch bracelet.

The letter read:

Dear my wonderful Mei Mei,

This was like the very firstpage, not where the story line ends. The halls of a new wonder will echo your name until I see you again, look for me in the stars above.”

Tears rolled onto the paper as I realized the next time I’ll see Stellie, was at my funeral.