Chapter 1
CONTENT WARNING: abuse, neglect, sexual themes.
A story for you.
Dear Mom
When I was little, You were my superstar. You were everything a child could want and more as a parent. Bringing me and my sister into school late, just so we could eat donuts for breakfast on Mondays. Visiting me and my sister at school for lunch visitation a few times a year. Picking me and Sister up early from school, just so we could spend more time together. Family game night, and introducing us to your beliefs. Creating open-minded individuals. You telling us about all the ghosts and angels you met, leaving us full of wonder and curiosity.
And one day, all of that went away.
I knew life was rough for you growing up, you did your best to protect us from the trauma you experienced when you were young. But you didn't protect us from the trauma that you would have inevitably caused.
*****Little Me*****
I was a happy kid at some point. After the divorce, I figured out ways to stay preoccupied by myself. Playing games and computer, getting in physical fights with my friends and Sister, just like you and daddy used to do! I really love to draw, watch family guy, and look at how babies are made! I have learned so much since you left. I can't wait to tell you all about it when I see you again.
Since you gave me the talk when I was only 4 years old, at some point I brought it upon myself to figure out what exactly what a "penis" or "girl-nis" looked like. Thankfully, my 16 year old brother had some really cool books that could explain that to me, with photos! Man, I love picture books! Though, these books were a little weird, they didn't have any words in them, so it took me a while to understand who was who and what was what. I was only 9, but thanks to your guidance when I was little, I figured it out!
Daddy told me that I can't bully my sister anymore. He said he would call the cops and I would get sent away forever. I was really scared and sad. It reminded me of that time you were mad at me and Sister and said that you would leave us and have new parents take care of us, since we couldn't behave. You said these new parents were reallly reallly mean, and that the new mommy and daddy would beat us, lock us up, and not give us dinner. I remember sitting across from Sister in the living room in silence. It was uncomfortable but at least we stopped fighting. I thought it was normal to fight with the people you loved. Was I wrong?
I noticed I've been missing you a lot lately. I got to talk to you on the phone last week, but not for very long. You sounded really tired, and there was lot of background noise. I keep remembering all the fun we used to have at the Irish Pub. Maybe we can go there again and play darts with all your pretty girl friends! I remember you putting lipstick on me before going in, then you would take me to the girls-room, lock the door, and tell me how pretty of a girl I was. You would take my hair down from the pony-tail, comb through my long hair, and tell me how boys loved curly hair. "Never straighten it- your hair will be ruined and no man will ever find you beautiful," is what you used to tell me.
I remember you got really thirsty in that girls-room one time. It was after I heard you flicking the lighter, blowing your nose, and smoke coming from underneath the stall. You said I was a big girl and could use the big girl potty by myself, so we sat on different potties. I flushed, walked out and looked into the mirror to see my beautiful face, while I waited for you to go potty. When you finally came out, you showed me a trick! You opened the back of the potty, set the lid down, dunked your hands in and took a biiiig GULP! I thought you were being really silly, but then you explained how the back of the potties are super clean! It goes into the hose from the back, goes up the potty into that big tank, and then when it's ready it goes into the bowl! I don't think I will ever be drinking from the back of the potty, I prefer using cups!
I miss the Irish pub. You and Martin were always so silly, going into the back rooms and coming back out so full of energy, and then the both of you would settle down and start drinking beer together. Every time you would play darts, when it was your turn, I would sneak a sip from your cup, and breathe in the smoke from your cigarette. It made me feel so cool to be like mommy.
These memories are my favorite. I haven't seen you in 3 years since the divorce, I've been counting. I have been getting pretty lonely without you here. Me and Sister are fighting a lot. We haven't spoken to each other in days other than the fights we keep getting into. I wonder what you're doing, and I worry that I won't see you ever again. Are you doing okay, mommy?
