My mental health
I thought I could stick it out and remain on social media but I decided to delete Instagram and Facebook. I feel it was triggering my depression and making me compare myself with others. Today was one of the bad days, I have to admit. My mental health is pure fucking shit today. The craziest fucking thing is nothing bad happened for me to feel like I want to commit sewer slide, it just switches on like pushing a button. I hate walking around with a stone face or staying quiet because my family noticed it today and asked me a ton of times what's wrong with me, and why am I acting this way. Why am I so quiet? I don't have the tolerance to explain how I'm feeling inside. Honestly, sometimes I don't even understand it myself to explain it to the next person. I think my episodes come from an assortment of things that shouldn't be a big deal, but since I'm a person who has so much empathy I sometimes feel things more intense than others. I take things to heart, I worry all the time about things I can't control. Above all, there is a demon in my head, trying to make me succumb to death. Now I never self-harmed, and have no urge to do anything stupid to hurt my family and friends. One major fear and myth is that talking about suicide encourages suicide. This is not true. When we are willing to enter into conversations about suicide we reduce the stigma, we provide community and space for people experiencing suicidality, and we can offer insight and love they may feel they are missing.
If someone you love is suicidal, it is not about you. It is never about you. People who die by suicide are not selfish and looking for an easy way out. Their internal cyclone of suicidal thoughts, feelings, and behaviors has nothing to do with how much they care about you. If you are having a conversation with someone about suicidality, please remember that their experience is personal and that they are not sharing the heaviest parts of their heart to hurt you. If you are not able to support someone who is experiencing suicidality, please connect them to and offer resources that may be valuable.
my thoughts were very loud and clear today that I'm useless and a failure and should leave Earth. Small discussions or actions from someone can set me off and shut me down to make me want to self-isolate and have these horrible thoughts in my head that I know deep down are not true. It's a constant struggle to always remind myself it's just my depression talking. Even when things are good I feel like my family sometimes forgets I have mental health struggles and anything can trigger me. Its so frustrating because i did take therapy and it was absolute bullshit and did help me at all. Thats just my opinion. I know for many it works. All the therapist asked was irrelevant questions of my past of who my best friend was , questions like that. Medication wise, i take lexapro and some days it does wonders and i feel like I’m on cloud nine. Im smiling, laughing and going about life with no bad thoughts.
And some days like today, sometimes it falls flat and doesn’t help. There's always this misconception once people take antidepressants they are magically cured and will never experience sadness, or any symptoms of depression or anxiety ever again. That is completely false. Yes, the meds help reduce these symptoms, but it's still there under the surface. I'm grateful that I gained the courage to ask for help and went on medication, it saved my life in many ways, and I'll forever be grateful that I escaped hell. Because that's what it's like every day, going through hell. It's a deadly disease that's not talked about enough. Some days I would just be on the couch constantly sleeping, incapable of getting up and doing simple house chores, nothing. My parents would watch me walk around looking miserable. They couldn't stand seeing me that way. I know my calcium deficiency had a role in it as well, but it was awful being in that situation and seeing my life going by and not taking charge of my health. I knew I had to do something, I was scared of change but I told my mom I needed help. I have straightened up since then, but I still have my moments where depression still sneaks in.
Sometimes I have moments where I disconnect from everyone around me, just completely disconnected from my self. Its a scary feeling to be around people you love yet feel so alone. Only a few people know i deal with depression. I didnt tell my grandma’s because it would upset them. I don’t want them to worry about me. My grandmas are in the 90s i dont think that would be a good idea to let them know. All in all, this is just something I have to manage with. I thought I would be used to it by now, the rollercoaster of sentiments but each time feels like the first. It never gets easier. It's an interior feeling that you can't get used to. There is a heavy, leaden feeling in my chest, rather as when someone I love dearly has just died; but no one has except, perhaps, me. I feel acutely alone. It is commonly described as being like viewing the world through a sheet of plate glass; it would be more accurate to say a sheet of thick, semi-opaque ice.
From the outside it may look like malingering, bad temper, and ugly behavior and who can empathize with such unattractive traits? Depression is much more complex, nuanced, and dark than unhappiness, more like an implosion of self. In a serious state of depression, you become a sort of a half-living ghost.
However, in the world we live in, that remains easier to say than do. We don’t understand depression partly because it’s hard to imagine but also, perhaps. After all, we don’t want to understand it.
I have a suspicion that society, in its heart of hearts, despises depressives because it knows they have a point: the recognition that life is finite and sad and frightening as well as those more sanctioned outlooks, cheerful and exciting and problematic and satisfying. There is a private feeling most people enjoy that everything, at a fundamental level, is OK. Depressives suffer the withdrawal of that feeling, and it is frightening not only to undergo but to witness.
The ugliest symptom of depression is hopelessness. Knowing that there is no future for you. That there is absolutely nothing to live for. No hope that it will ever get better and nothing to look forward to. Oh my gosh, it's the worst feeling.
I saw this quote and it's so true.
I pray this feeling goes away soon. 💔
