Chapter 1
Chapter 1
Pretty is as pretty does was something her mother used to tell her when she was just a little girl. This is what Abigail Curtis is thinking when the knock at the window of her car startles her. Starting her car, she presses the power button, lowering the window. Her neighbor is staring down at her.
“Is everything alright Abby?” The young woman dressed in the latest athletic wear asks, running in place.
“Yeah Kathy, I . . . I um,” Abby stutters, not knowing what to say.
“Well, just wanted to make sure,” Kathy continues. “I was warming up for a run and saw you sitting in your car.”
“No, I’m fine thanks,” Abby assures her.
“Okay then,” Kathy waves as she runs towards the running track.
Abby sits gazing at the apartment building where she and Kevin live. Watching the sun fade behind the building makes her realize she has been sitting there for over half an hour or so. Kevin will be waiting, might even be angry, and she didn’t want to talk to him. Drama is the word easily used to describe their life together lately. The saying her mother left her with made her anxious. What happened to her isn’t pretty leaving an unpretty sensation wrap around her. Taking a deep breath, thinking Kevin must never find out, she musters up all her courage because avoiding him is not going to save her, she opens the door to their apartment.
Kevin is sitting on the couch working on his laptop.
“Hey Kev, I’m sorry I’m late. I got caught up talking to my brother. We went and got something to eat and well,” While kicking her shoes off near the door she goes on. “You know how he likes to talk and he started talking about Emily.” Her voice trails off as she leaves the room to go down the hall to their bedroom. He closes his laptop, putting it aside on the couch.
“Abby, why did you turn your cell off? I tried calling you for hours” he asks getting up and following her.
“Oh that . . . well I simply turned it off.” Her answer was blunt without explanation.
“Why?” her cavalier fake explanation irritated him.
“I didn’t want to be bothered while I was driving. You know I can’t talk and drive. I forgot to turn my phone back on. Why do you think?”
There is the impression she is trying to provoke him into an argument but it isn’t what he wants. All he wants is an honest answer. He knows she always guards her feelings. Unable to find the words to break the barriers she has put up lately, he stands in the hallway between their bedroom and the bathroom and watches as she grabs her robe and pajamas. She squeezes past him and goes into the bathroom shutting the door in his face.
Abby stands in the shower waiting to hear the door to their apartment shut. It is twenty minutes later when she comes out of the bathroom in her robe, towel-drying her hair. The apartment is quiet, he is gone.
Things had gotten out of control. She didn’t understand what was going on. Sometimes she seemed lost somewhere inside herself. Feeling trapped by recent circumstances leaving her powerless. The sad part is there is no way can she alter what is ahead.
Things changed between them weeks earlier. It began when Kevin started getting on her nerves always talking about marriage and family. Life had become too predictable. Love can smother a person sometimes. Right now space to breathe was all she wanted. When her stepbrother Mark invited her to a Halloween party at his office she jumped at the night out. He invited both Kevin and her, but Kevin had to work which didn’t bother her. It was an opportunity to breathe.
Her old high school cheerleading uniform seemed perfect for such an occasion. Squeezing into the uniform was a whole other story, leaving her with second thoughts about going. After much consideration, she figured, “What the hell, there wouldn’t be many familiar faces there anyway.” Her brother of course and his girlfriend, but other than that she would not know anyone else. That is why she is comfortable going.
The mere idea of permanence terrified her. Maybe it was the concept of commitment. Like a cry inside her, there was the need to experience something, actually, anything as long as it didn’t have anything to do with marriage, kids, or ever after. A night out alone was exactly what she needed.
A late arrival was neither unusual nor fashionable in her case. “Where have you been and where is Kevin?” Mark glances around.
She gives her brother a peck on the cheek and asks, “Were you waiting for me and Kevin? Well. . . Kevin had to work again...”
Noticing her costume, “Hey, isn’t that your old uniform from high school?” She pouts, looking down at her costume.
“I didn’t have anything else to wear” in defense of her decision to wear the uniform.
“Likely story,” Mark quips.
“I hope I look alright.” Another quick glance down left her with an uneasy feeling.
“Trust me, in that outfit you look fine”
“Would you hold on to my car keys? I didn’t bring a purse and I don’t want to lose them?”
“Sure,” stuffing them into his pocket.
A stranger in a Batman costume strutted toward them. “Hey, Mark. Who’s the cheerleader? You are going to introduce us,” Batman smiles. Uneasiness emanated from this stranger, yet his grey eyes were friendly, almost inviting enough to get lost in. That was what Abby was thinking without even realizing it.
“Allen, be nice this is my little sister, Abby,” Mark warned. “Abby, this is Allen,” Turning back, leaning toward Allen, he whispered, “She is already in a relationship” sternly followed by “you are too old for her anyway!”
“Why would you say that? And how old do you think I am?” Allen asked whispering back. “We are both adults, and don’t you think Abby is old enough to make her own decisions? What do you think Abby?”
”I think my brother is a pain in the ass.” Looking directly at Mark, “and I wish he would stop.”
“Mark.” A young woman dressed as a Pirate called out.
“I gotta go, Ellen wants me.” He patted Allen on the back.
“Behave, you understand,” cautioning him before leaving them.
“Well, that was interesting,” Allen muttered under his breath.
“Yeah, he is always interesting. Don’t pay attention to Mark, I don’t.” They both laughed.
“So are you here by yourself?” Allen asks Abby as they enter the party.
“Yeah, I guess you can say I am here by myself. How about you? Where is your date? I can’t imagine someone as obnoxious as you alone,” teasing.
“Hey, hey, that’s not nice, true, -- but not nice.”
“So old man, should I sense a threat? Are you trying to rob the cradle?”
“I’m not old. I’m twenty-seven. At least I don’t think that’s old.”
“Well, now I can relax. I guess you have to excuse my brother, he thinks he is protecting me.”
“I guess he does, anyway would you like me to get you something to drink? A bar is in the other room.”
“Sure, surprise me.” She was glad to move on to another subject. Allen brought her a glass of wine and talked with her for a while.
Something about him attracted her to him, but yet, at the same time she felt uncomfortable around him. The familiar way he touched her a lot, on the arm, the back, and put his arm around her shoulder. Excusing herself to find the restroom was an easy escape. He might get the hint.
The .COM office was not big, and almost everyone at the party was part of the office in some way or another. There were of course, the employees, their wives or girlfriends, and her, but no outsiders. Since the office layout was not familiar to her, asking someone dressed as Count Dracula was a great help in locating the restrooms. How unfortunate. He appeared to be the only individual not drunk. ‘What lushes,’ she whispered under her breath, overwhelmed and flushed.
In the restroom, she patted the back of her neck with a cool wet paper towel and wondered if coming without Kevin was a good idea. There was no mistake about how she needed him and how hard she was resisting those feelings. All her life she needed someone, and now all she wanted was to depend on herself. The reflection in the mirror was a new, improved Abby. The question was, did she honestly feel improved, or was she just an imposter?
The restroom door swung open. A cheerful “Hi!” came from a young girl dressed as Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.
“Nice costume.” Abby complimented with raised eyebrows. The dress was extremely short, accented with thigh-high net stockings and spiked heels. Dorothy from The Wizard of OZ did not look like that.
“I like your costume too, probably because I always wanted to be a cheerleader but never made the squad,” The girl giggled. I think this girl had a little too much to drink. Abby thought, trying not to laugh out loud.
“Honestly, not what everyone thinks, trust me . . . I was a cheerleader in high school. No big deal. You didn’t miss much, honey.”
The girl disappeared into one of the stalls, and Abby left to rejoin the party. After mingling for about an hour, she decided she has had enough independence. There is a chance Kevin is home, and they might at least spend some of the evening together. After tonight, it would be nice to cozy up on the couch with him and watch a movie. As she heads toward the door, Allen approaches her.
“Hey, I got you and me a drink.”
“No thanks,” she begged off. “I’m tired. I’m going home.” She looked around to see if her brother was anywhere in sight. He still had her car keys.
“Come on Abby, have one last drink with me. We may never meet up again.” He pointed at a small leather couch in the waiting area. Abby reluctantly agreed, following him. They sat down. She could tell this guy was attracted to her. Maybe one last drink and she could leave. And she was right. Allen’s attraction to her was extremely strong. He was thinking a little conversation with an attractive woman would make his evening worth being at this lame party.
He handed her one of the drinks, and she set it down on the table in front of them. There was a sense of hesitation about drinking anymore. Out of nowhere, someone dressed as a cowboy tripped, falling onto her and catching himself on the table. Allen pushed him off.
“Hey, pay attention to what you’re doing,” Allen warned.
“Sorry man.” While picking himself up, he almost knocked Abby’s drink over. Before it fell over, spilling on the table, he caught it setting it back onto the table. He stood up, straightening himself out while again apologizing, “Again, sorry man.” The young man hurried away.
“What a jerk!” Shaken and a bit upset, Abby picked up her drink and gulped a mouthful.
“I was hoping you might actually savor the drink I had specially made for you. So to ask you what you thought would be . . . fruitless?”
“Well,” embarrassed, she took a sip this time, “I do kind of like the taste, Mmm sweet.” She licked her lips. Does she realize how so damn sexy she is? He was thinking as he watched her?
“I thought you would like something sweet.”
She began to perspire, feeling too relaxed, not at all herself. “So what do you want to talk about?” Abby asked, feeling unusually woozy.
“I’ll tell you what, first you tell me something about you, then I will tell you something about me”
There was this sense that he was playing games with her, but she did not want to talk. She was too tired to talk.
“No! . . . no, I think I want to go home,” with a slight slur in her speech. Rising to stand, she started to lose her balance. Allen was able to catch her just as she was about to fall.
“Boy, I guess that drink was a little too strong for you. I’m sorry. I mean, I wanted to get you a drink you would enjoy, not make you sick. Maybe you should go home. I can drive you. You shouldn’t drive yourself.” He sounded genuinely concerned.
“NO!” Abby doesn’t realize she was sweating. Clearing her throat and desperately trying to calm herself, “I mean, no, it is OK. I will stay here and leave with my brother.”
“Hey Mark,” Allen calls, “Come over here, will you.”
Mark walks over to them. “What’s up?” He asks.
“The drink I had you make made her sick. I don’t understand,” Allen tells him, puzzled.
“Yeah, she doesn’t drink much. How many drinks have you had, Abby?” She can’t answer.
“Why don’t I take her home? I don’t want her to drive. I feel partly responsible for this.”
“No, you’re not responsible. She isn’t a big drinker. Why don’t you take her to my house? It’s closer, and I’ll take care of her. Kevin’s going to kill me for letting her drink too much. . . . You know where I live, right?”
“Come on Mark, of course I do. I am thinking you are drinking a little too much too”
“Hey, it’s a party.” Mark laughs. “Here are my house keys. I’ll be home in about an hour or so. Oh and almost forgot,” digging into his pocket and pulling out another set of keys.
“Here are Abby’s car keys. Hit the alarm button and you will probably find her car.” Handing Allen both sets of keys, he shakes his head at Abby.
“Mark, I, I, I only had one drink.” She tries to say it out loud, but everything comes out in a slurred whisper. Mark is still shaking his head as he walks away.
“Come on little cheerleader, let’s get you out of here.” Outside he hit the alarm button on her keys. Her car wasn’t too far from the office. Helping her to her car, Allen gently placed her on the passenger seat, buckling her in.
When they reached Mark’s apartment, Allen had to leave Abby in the car to open the front door. He struggled to take her out of the car, carrying her most of the way. She was almost dead weight, although she appeared conscious, she didn’t move much.
“Are you alright he asked her several times. Her behavior was worrying him. Abby tried but couldn’t answer him. She was numb.
Once inside, he carried her to the first bedroom he found, hoping this was the guest room. “I’m going to put you to bed,” he gently laying her down and then covered her with the blanket folded at the foot of the bed. A smile crossed his lips watching her sleeping. She had a fascinating innocence. Maybe it was how she didn’t understand the appealing quality of innocence so ingrained in her personality. Now he has to figure out why she got sick from the drink he gave her.
He is a detective with local law enforcement. Being suspicious of everything is par for the job. Why, though, would she be so sick? Her brother made the drink. Maybe she was on some kind of medication. Certain medications shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol, but she didn’t say anything. Regardless, he figured he would stay around until Mark got home. Then talk to him about this. His car is still parked near Mark’s office. Luckily, Mark’s apartment isn’t far from his office, so if Mark would give him a ride back, it would be better than walking around in his costume...
Allen was starving. It was not something he would normally do, but he did it anyway. He went rummaging through the kitchen for something to eat, where all he found was a bottle of flat Coke and a bag of potato chips. It would have to do. Making himself comfortable on the living room couch, he decides to entertain himself with a little TV till Mark got home. After watching the last half an hour of reruns of The Office, he decided to check on Abby. She was still sound asleep. He heard someone at the door so he shut the bedroom door and returned to the living room. As Mark entered, Allen stops him. “Hey before you are too comfortable how about taking me back to my car?”
“You still here? I thought you would have been gone long ago.”
“I would have, but. . . I drove her here in her car, remember? I left mine at the party. I didn’t want to walk around like this.”
“Yeah, gotcha, give me a minute.” Mark heads for the bedroom.
“I let her sleep in the first bedroom. I hope that was your guest bedroom. I wasn’t sure.” Mark checks on Abby first before driving Allen back to his car.
On the ride back, Allen brings up his concerns. “I am worried about your sister. The way she got, well, wasn’t right. I mean.”
“Nah, she had too much to drink is all. I told you she doesn’t drink much.” Mark tries to reassure him.
“Well, if she was my sister, I would check into why she got so disoriented. I didn’t like how sick she was.” While being strongly concerned about Abby’s behavior, he didn’t try to push the subject. They pull up to his car.
“Well, here you go, buddy. Thanks for taking care of Abby.”
Allen gets out, leans into the car to talk to Mark through the open passenger door. “I would still have that checked out.” “I will. You don’t have to worry.”
Allen shuts the door and steps away from the car so Mark can pull out. The two men were more like weekend buddies. They would see each other at the club and sometimes play racquetball. Once in a while, Mark would invite him over to play cards.
Dreams sometimes seem real, but this more than seemed. It felt real. It wasn’t her room or bed. The cologne wasn’t Kevin’s, nor was the touch of the body that was on top of her. Maybe she was dreaming. Her senses told her it was real but yet nothing. The warm breath on her neck was real and so were the hands that searched every part of her body. Sex, was this sex? Abby had an out-of-body, lifeless experience. Only the pressure on top of her was she aware of. Nothing was stopping him, not even her weak protesting, because her body and her mind were disconnected. Confusion jumbled her brain, she remembers hearing a door slam and then she passed out.
Opening one eye caused extreme pain inside her head. Was it morning? Still night? Whose bed is this? When they say a splitting headache, she is sure now, they mean your head splits in half. That kind of headache is the only reason for the horrendous pain shooting around in her head as if trying to escape.
“Abby,” the whispering voice sounded familiar or did it? The voice settled near the bed. “Hey lush, time to wake up, do you have to work today?”
A forced moan, “HUH” then muttering, “Mark, is that you?”
“Of course it’s me, who do you think?”
She was awake now, still not moving and definitely not opening her eyes. A sick feeling kept rising up from her stomach that she was desperately trying to push back down. The bed moved, she moaned. Movement of any kind was torture.
Mark sat next to her on the bed. “So do you work today?”
She wasn’t sure what would be worse shaking, her head no or saying no. Either way, she was going to be in some kind of pain.
Finally, she whispered, “I’m up, and no I don’t work. I have to go home. Kevin’s going to kill me!” She tried to sit up, but her head spun. Abby jumped up and ran to the bathroom no longer able to hold down what she had fought from coming up.
“Oh, I can tell this is going to be a wonderful day for you.” Mark laughed. The sounds of her up heaving made him shake his head at her misfortune. He decided to make himself some coffee and her some tea.
Abby staggered into the kitchen. “Sit down Abby before you fall down. You look like death warmed over.” Mark pulled out a chair and helped her into it.
“Mark,” she said in a hoarse voice. “Something’s wrong.”
“Yeah, you drank too much.” He answered back annoyed at her.
“Honest Mark,” stopping to catch her breath, “I only had two drinks all night. Allen brought me a drink right before I got sick. I think someone put something in my drink.”
“Abby you watch too much TV. It was my office party who would do something like that. I made the drink remember.” What was she trying to say he thought irritated by the implication of her comments?
“I realize you made my drink, must have happened after you made the drink. I have never experienced anything like this before.” Again a wave of nausea hit her and she ran to the bathroom.
“You have a hangover! If you’re going to drink all night then you are going to be sick the next day.” Mark hollered after her.
As she lay next to the commode in his bathroom she realized that if he didn’t believe someone spiked her drink with something then he definitely wouldn’t believe what happened while she was unconscious. Could it have been a dream! Who would know she would be at Marks? She began doubting herself, how would anyone else believe her? What was she looking for anyway? Sympathy? Anger? Protection? Did she expect that from anyone?
The wet washcloth gave a cool relief to her face. Slowly lifting herself up off the cold tile floor Abby decides to go home the best she was able.
A knock on the bathroom door, “Hey, Abby I’m going to the gym. Lock up when you leave.”
“I will,” she whispered as loudly as her throbbing head allowed. She waited to hear the front door close. That was when she realized she was still wearing her cheerleading uniform. Her spanks were on inside out.
The night before was not a figment of her imagination. It was an unspeakable assault. More than that, not being in control left her feeling dirty. Now all she wanted to do was run, run home, and run away where she could forget the little bit she remembers that is trapped inside her head. She decided to fix the bed and just get out of there.
The task of fixing the bed was more than unbearable, almost causing her to faint. That is when she noticed how a spot stood out on the green sheets. If they were white or tan, she might not have noticed. Mark’s guest room was only used by family, so the sheets were always clean.
Yet there was no way leaving the sheets like that would prove to Mark what happened. And she definitely wasn’t telling him about how her spanks were inside out. She remembered Allen brought her to her brothers. Maybe it was Allen? Such a filthy feeling! The only control left to her was not to leave any signs of the deed done to her. She threw the sheets in the wash and then took a shower, scrubbing until she almost rubbed her skin off. Since she had none of her own clothes to change into, she grabbed some sweats out of Mark’s closet. They were loose, but at least they were clean. She made sure she left a note telling him she took his clothes. When the sheets were done drying, she quickly remade the bed while desperately trying not to throw up again or pass out from the headache. Finding her keys on the kitchen table, she locked the apartment door and left.
It was a beautiful fall day. The sun was bright, almost blinding. Leaves were swirling about, blowing everywhere, crunching under her feet as she walked to her car. The crisp autumn air felt good against her skin. Normally she didn’t mind the fall smells of dirt and burning leaves. Today was different. Everything made her sick.
Abby gingerly climbed into her car. Her head was still throbbing and aching, and her stomach hadn’t settled down yet. In general, she felt like she had the flu and all she wanted to do was put on her jammies and go to bed.
The apartment was empty when she got home. There was an empty cereal bowl on the counter and a half-empty coffee cup on the dresser in their bedroom. “He probably went to the gym,” she guessed. Not even taking the time or energy to change clothes, she got into bed and fell asleep.
It was around eleven when Kevin walked into the apartment. Abby's car was parked out front so he figured she was home. At least her car was home. After tossing his keys in the bowl on the table by the door, he went into the bedroom. Abby was curled up in bed like a little kid, breathing steady, sleeping soundly.
The discussion with her brother didn’t make him feel any better. They had talked the night before when Kevin called to find out where Abby was. This morning was a whole different talk explaining to him what had happened the night before and asking him to go easy on her because she was really sick. Looking at her, he realizes he loves her, yet he also realizes she is driving him crazy.
There was a time when marriage was very much a possibility. They lived together long enough, yet something was keeping him from totally committing himself to her. It all came down to the fact that he wasn’t sure about them either. Moments like this made him lose his mind. What was going on with her? Recently, Abby has become so distant. He sits on their bed looking down at her. Staring at her face, he thinks of how beautiful she is. He wonders if she realizes how much he loves her.
It was no secret that she did not want to get married. To her, marriage was too risky. There was no such thing as loving someone until death do you part, or ever after. Marriage was a big mess, and someone always gets hurt. They discussed getting married many times along with having children, which was another pet peeve of hers.
As Kevin sits next to her on the bed wanting to understand her, wanting to just hold her, he figures they were close to over. Suddenly Abby sits up.
When she jumped, she became dizzy, grabbing her head moaning, “Whoo, I don’t feel so well.” By then she realizes it is Kevin.
“What made you jump like that? Lay back down before you make yourself sick.” He commands.
She gingerly lays back down whispering, “I didn’t know who was here. I got scared.” That frightened little girl act always made him smile. “How do you feel?” trying to be gentle but still holding on to a twinge of anger.
“Not so good, I honestly think I’m going to be sick.”
“Well, it would probably make you feel better. I’m here if you need me.” He got up heading out of their room. “I’ll make you something to settle your stomach.”
“That almost sounds nice,” she answered feebly. The sound of her getting up and rushing to the bathroom worried him because she wasn’t a big drinker, but he smiled anyway because if she did drink too much, she got what she deserved.
Abby spent most of that day in the bathroom throwing up. She was sick for the following three days. She wondered if the flu bug got her until she talked to her friend Megan Wall at work. They were telemarketers for a cell phone company. After Abby explained what had happened and how she had been sick for the past three days the Megan shook her head.
“Sounds as if you were slipped that rape drug... A friend of mine at college had that happen at a Frat party. She quit school, and I have not seen her since! But she thought more than one guy attacked her. She was sick for a few days too. Of course, she didn’t want to tell anyone like the cops or campus police. She was too ashamed.”
“I know how that feels. I told my brother that I thought someone slipped something into my drink and he thought I was imagining things. Like he said, “Who would do that?” I felt stupid, so I didn’t say any more to him about that night. There is no way I’m telling Kevin. I thought I would be safe because my brother was at the party. Ha... That was a joke.”
“So what are you going to do now?”
“There is nothing much I can do. How can I find out who did it? The only person I could think of is my brother’s friend Allen. He took me to my brother’s house when I started feeling sick. He is the one who gave me the drink.”
“Wow, I kinda think he sounds a little suspicious to me, or at least someone to wonder about.”
“Should I talk to him? What do I do? Or should I get on with my life and forget that it ever happened?”
“Well, the question is, can you forget? I sure don’t think I could forget something like that happening to me. You should do something even if it is just going to a rape center for counseling.”
“But won’t they try to get me to press charges? I don’t want to do that. Especially since I am not sure who did it. But, Yeah, you’re probably right about talking to someone. I have to think about it for a while. Everything frightens me anymore. You’re the first person I talked to about the, r--r--ra, I can’t even say the word.” Tears flooded her eyes and down her cheeks.
“Why don’t you take a break and go to the restroom? I’ll cover for you if someone comes back.”
That was the beginning of the secrets that Abby kept from Kevin. Several times she snuck out to see Allen. It was always in a public place. She needed to know if he was the one, and as much as he scared her, she figured he wouldn’t do anything while there were people around. They would talk on her computer at work, and she called him from her cell. He asked her about that night at the party and how she got so sick. He even asked her if drinking ever did that to her before. She told him no. When he started asking about how she was it made her wonder maybe he isn’t the one.
Allen didn’t like the impression he was getting about the whole incident. But he didn’t want to upset Abby with his suspicions, so he decided to check into it himself and not tell her anything about what he suspected. Abby didn’t need to know he was a detective. He wished he would have found a way to test her for what he believed was the rape drug Rohypnol. Unfortunately, it was too late for that.
Since she came to realize Allen wasn’t the one who assaulted her, Abby started enjoying his conversation and at times, his company. They met a couple of times nothing happened though. The experience of the rape still left her uneasy about being intimate with anyone. It affected her and Kevin to the point that their sex life had dwindled to her on the computer and him eventually falling asleep on the couch.
That is how she and Kevin arrived at this point in their relationship. Kevin was catching her in little lies about what she was doing and where she had been. She surmised Kevin would eventually find out about Allen. The man was not stupid, just in love. And Abby still feels deeply about Kevin too, but something inside her changed and there is no turning back. In her mind, he deserved so much better. She was now dirty and tainted. This may hurt him, but in the long run, he will thank her for getting out of his life. What’s that saying, she thought, Yeah, ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. Hopefully, this will make both her and Kevin stronger.
It wasn’t what she told when she explained to him she had decided to move out and into an apartment of her own. They were both getting ready for work. Kevin had to go in early that day so they were both jostling around in the bathroom.
“I think I need a place that is just mine.”
“What are you talking about now Abby? Your own place?” He stopped shaving.
“I just think it’s time for me to be more independent. I can’t keep expecting you to take care of my every need. I have been depending on you way too much.”
With shaving cream on half of his face, he turns to her as she is doing her hair and trying not to look at him. A puzzled look crosses his face before he continues.
“Now let me get this straight. We live together because we love each other but you want to move out. What are you really trying to tell me?” He turns to finish shaving, still confused by what she is saying.
“Look Kevin, I just think it is best if I find my own place.” Her voice quivers.
With a wet washcloth, he wipes off his face. After a long pause, “You’re breaking up with me.”
“I wouldn’t call it that. I'm just kinda letting go a bit.” She takes a breath. “We can still see each other.”
“You know Abby you have come a long way since I met you. Why do you not see that? Why is it so hard for you to keep moving forward with your life?”
“Seriously, what are you trying to say, Kevin? That I was what, trailer trash, a tramp? What??”
He walked out of the bathroom and into the living room, thinking before he answered her.
“In the past months, you have done some strange things. I never know where you’re at. You tell me you are going to be one place and you are somewhere else. You lie to me all the time anymore. What the hell is going on with you? You can tell me if there is someone else.” He snapped, red-faced and raised voice.
“Kevin Daniel Madison!” She only used his full name when he exasperated her. “Quit yelling. I’m right here.”
He was beginning to make her mad. Why couldn’t he see she needed to be by herself?
“Yeah, right, look at you, and you say I could tell you if there is someone else. No there is no one else.” How could she make him understand that is not the reason she is leaving without telling him the truth?
“So then you just don’t love me anymore?” He was both hurt and angry. But the hurt was squashed by the anger that shot out at her from his eyes. Like daggers stabbing her. She had never seen that expression on his face before or felt such pain.
This was the hardest thing she had ever done. But she no longer can pretend that she fits into this circle of his life. She has always been an odd fit.
“Don’t love you?” He demanded to know and she was going to tell him about her love for him. “You are the only person in my life that I have loved. Look at me. My family is no family to me. You are my family.”
“Then why do you need to get away from me?” He felt broken as he sat down on the couch in their living room. Leaning over he covered his face with his hands.
“It is not you.” She shook her head. “It is me, don’t you understand, IT IS ME.” She confessed. “I’m the one with the problems. You knew about me from the start. What made you think I could change? I can’t live up to your expectations. I’m not that person. I will never be that person. I will always feel like I’m disappointing you.”
She paused, trying to find something to say to convince him.
“We will still see each other. It will just be different.” She could tell she did not comfort him with those words.
“You’re right, change isn’t in your character. It isn’t in your makeup. You are who you are, and you honestly are okay with accepting that.”
There is disgust in his voice. It hurt her, and she isn’t one to back down from a fight. She knew he needed to hurt her, but she wasn't ready for it at all. He was always considerate with the way he talked to her. What he said took her by surprise. “What does that mean?”
“You’re asking me.” He retorted. “Look at you. You changed, but you can’t accept it. Look where you came from. You are not that person anymore. You never were. You just can’t see that can you? It is as if you don’t think you are good enough to deserve anything better in your life. It seems like every time things get good, you go back to the way you were. What are you afraid of?” He grabbed her by the arm. She pulled away, shrugging him off.
“I’m not afraid of anything. And if that is the way you see me . . . I’ll go back to what I was. Maybe leaving isn’t such a bad decision.”
She turned and walked toward the living room window. She stood staring out the window, not wanting to look into his eyes. She thought he would see her heart at that moment. He hurt her in a way that she didn’t see coming. But her heart was and would always be his.
So she had to toughen up fast. Taking a deep breath, she turned around. “OK, maybe I am afraid ... I am not sure what you mean about the other stuff you are saying about me, but that doesn’t change anything. You know and I know, I need to find some things out on my own. I do love you, Kevin. I don’t think anyone will ever mean as much to me as you do. I’m not giving you up. I’m just letting go a little.”
The girl honestly sounded sincere. He looked into her eyes and saw there was more, but she was always very private. He only knew what she would tell him. She never confided in him about intimate things about their relationship. It was as though she put up with things that bothered her and suffered on her own. He wanted honesty, and he had to admit this was the first time she was offering any type of emotional honesty to him.
“I may not be here when you figure all this out.” He threatened. She looked up at him for a moment. He is so beautiful, she thought, wanting to take everything back but knowing it was too late.
She looked down at the floor then answered feebly “I know. I just need to do this. Maybe someday you will understand. Maybe someday I will be able to explain everything. But for now, this is how it has to be.”
It is not at all the way he wanted it to be. He knows you can’t force love, so he let her go.
It took her almost a month to move out. Sometimes he had the feeling she didn’t want to leave. Other times he felt as though she couldn’t wait to get away from him. The day she finally left he wasn’t home.
When he walked in the door that night stillness covered the apartment. It no longer seemed like home. Now there was just emptiness, and he knew it would be this way for a long time. It is late, about eleven. Kevin throws his keys in the bowl on the small table by the door. He takes his jacket off and carelessly tosses it on the couch. Kevin loosens his tie and sits down on his lazy boy, turning the TV on with the remote. He flicks through the channels a couple of times before realizing he doesn't even see what is on. He feels as if he is in a trance. There seems to be a void where his heart is, and now there is this hole within him. He can’t cry, can’t feel anger, just nothingness. Kevin goes to bed for the first time in his life without noticing he didn’t eat. All he wants to do is take something for his headache and go to sleep. Maybe it is his heart that ached, but who could really tell? He hurts and just wants the pain to stop.
Life without Abby is different. There are always things to remind him of her. He called her a couple of times, but she acted distracted and uninterested. He didn’t know what to do. Should he fight to get her back? Should he let go and move on? If he let her go without any fight and she still loved him, would that make her think he didn’t care anymore? Everything is answered when he sees her with a tall blond guy at a club they used to frequent. He pays his tab at the bar and walks out. That was the night he decided it was time to move on.
Work had kept him extremely busy. He is an auditor at a large advertising firm and there is an opening that would mean a lot of travel. What better way to get over things than to get away even if it is work? He spent a lot of time in Hotel rooms. He is always catching planes and it leaves him little time to think about Abby and what she might be doing without him.
