Chapter 1
I hate my life. I know I shouldn’t say that it’s not my life’s fault I suck so I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hate myself. I get out of bed and walk from my room to the bathroom. I turn on the water until it’s so hot it burns my skin. I'm trying to stop cutting myself and this is the closest I can get to the real thing. I just sat there. I know it's a shower but my legs aren’t strong enough to carry me anymore. I stand up using the bar in the shower to help me up I start to wash my hair and body I walk out and check the time it’s 6:30 so I have 30 minutes to get ready I walk to my room slowly I try not to wake up my little sister she’s 13 and wakes up so easy I wish I had that skill. But I don’t think people will really care how much sleep I get or if I have trouble doing it except my friend Bella. She’s new so she doesn’t know how bad of a person I am yet and I hope she doesn’t leave me. I mess everything up. We’ve been fighting a lot recently but I love her and I don't want to mess this up. I look at my notifications and I realize Bella hasn’t texted me good morning yet. Does she hate me? She probably does. Leanna(my ex friend) probably told her what I’m like and what I did I’d probably leave too. I get dressed and go back to my phone. I see a text and I sigh in relief. I know that I’m probably being over dramatic but I’d rather be over dramatic then under.
Hey good morning sorry I woke up late😴
It’s ok I didn’t think anything of it
That’s a lie it’s all I thought of
Ok good wouldn’t want to worry you
To late for that
I start walking to school. I take a breath of fresh air. The cool air on my face always seems to calm me down. I usually run to school but today I’m too tired to run so I walk. I try to pay attention to the details around me but I end up looking directly straight, but then I look a little up I see a sunrise it looks painted the way the blue, pink, red, purple, and orange blend together so beautifully every morning it’s a true blessing we get to see that everyday.
I get to school and walk inside. Every time I walk in I feel their eyes on me but I don’t care not today I don't feel it. I don't feel anything. I don't care if I go to school, I don't care if I go home. I get to my first hour which is ELA. I sit down in my assigned seat which is the second row and third seat to the left. My seat is right next to Bella. She's not here yet. I get out my journal and start writing. I write a lot but I usually just end up ripping it out and throwing it away but that should be fine. It makes me more interesting and more to talk about when people see me. I see Bella and I wave her over.
“We have 6 minutes until class starts,” I state casually.
“Well you don’t have to get here 10 minutes before class begins,” Bella mentions.
“Yes but many other people do,” I remind her.
“And? Just because other people do doesn’t mean you have to too,” Bella exclaims, ready to start a debate that I know she’d lose even if she is right I’m very good at making people look wrong but when when I’m about to speak I get interrupted by the teacher(Mr. Irvine) starting class. I start having eyeball conversations with Bella but the teacher yells at us so we look at the board. This class is so easy I never pay attention I usually sleep in this class but right now I can’t sleep I’m not tired I’m not super awake either but I’m not tired and Bella always sleeps in this class I start looking around the classroom then I start listening to the teacher and start writing notes because this teacher is a bitch and refuses for us to use google for anything you can’t even use a calculator you have to use a handheld one(she used to be a math teacher) which those are just bulky and confusing to me but I guess this is ELA but still. I start to fall asleep but I hear the teacher talking about partners and I snap my eyes open.
“We will partner up next week for a project to help us brainstorm we’re going to need it because the project is expressing a strong emotion,” Mr. Irvine ancounces. Shit shit shit I forget not only is he a bitch but he's a freaking hippie connect with your true emotions one i’ll just lie I can do that who will I partner with will bella partner with me probably not she’s always looking for ways to make friends with new people which I think is just an excuse to avoid me
“Are you ok?” Bella askes concerned.
“Yeah I’m good I’m just feeling a little sick” I say quickly. I raise my hand and ask to leave. He says yes so I quickly run out of the classroom. I run outside and I sit down outside behind a tree where I hope no one can see me. I start breathing heavily but it quickly to hyperventilating and my vision blurs everything is so dizzy why can’t it stop I want it to stop I start scratching my skin deeper, deeper deeper is all I can think then it stops its silent I’m alone with my thoughts I see the blood running down my stomach that’s what the thought was about my blood beads down I’m so dramatic I just freaked out over nothing I’m so stupid no wonder I have no friends you’re so stupid you’re trying to go clean you’re so stupid what were you thinking now you’re what everyone thinks you are a emo freak that hurts herself to feel good god how could anyone be more stupid I see people walking out of the school into the courtyard what class is that I think that’s gym which is my next class I’ll sneak there in a little. I walk around the school and see a ladder that leads to the first floor of the school then there’s stairs to the very top of the 4th floor so I walk to the very edge of the school roof there’s no fence not anymore it all rusted and fell I look down my head starts pounding I sigh If I die all the pain will go away it’ll be gone forever I’ll be gone forever only memories and pictures of me I start to take a step but back away I shouldn’t have no reason to I quickly get off the roof and sneak into my class and pretend I was always there I the teacher forgot about me.
“Ivy you were here? I swear you weren't there when I checked attendance,” the gym teacher says but I don’t care about the gym enough to remember the teacher’s name.
“No I was here the whole time but I have been quiet today and you complained about not sleeping enough Or I hope so, so I can play this off so maybe it’s that” I say showing no emotion in my face so they can’t tell if I’m lying or not.
“Yeah you’re right Ivy I’ll go to bed earlier tonight” she announced. At least I’m making her start a healthy habit? But I gaslit her and manipulated her to do so. I'm such a terrible person. Or does that make me a good person because I’m helping her? I don’t know, I just know I’m a pathological liar. I sit out the rest of the gym. I’m not expected to be athletic so I’m just enough to look like I’m in good shape. I realize I have a book in my gym locker so I quickly walk there and grab the book and when I’m walking back I run into Leanna.
“I’m so sorry” I mumbled before running out of the locker room. I try to find a place in the gym where she won’t see me. Why am I so anxious? At the end of the day it’s just a girl. I sit on the wall of the gym while they play basketball. Sometimes I wonder how I have an A in the gym for how little I do. I fall asleep while reading I must have because I woke up to the bell I jump up and quickly walk to Mr. Irvine’s class to get my stuff I left then I run to my locker and put it away and grab my music for band then I run to the band room on the other side of the school right now I’m so glad I do/did track and right now I don’t care you’re not supposed to run in the halls I feel free I run into the class grab my instrument(clarinet) and put it together my instrument is so annoying for how many pieces it has sometimes I quickly sit down and get ready for class and when I’m ready the warning bell rings one minute early Ms. Deianeira walks up and starts the class I love Ms. Deianeira I mean her last name literally means man-destroyer that's such a cool last name or at least better than Wanless, Ivy Wanless is such a ugly name and to make it worse Wanless means hopeless I was cursed ever since I was born.
“Alright class we will be practicing Carnival of Venice today and remember that the trumpets and saxophones are the spotlight for this so make sure you can hear them,” She says. She starts telling all the instrument to join in with her hands when I join in everything disappears people, thoughts, memories, everything until all I can hear, see, and feel is the music it’s so calming soon enough the music stops and it all comes back to me we do this for the rest of class. At the end of class I put my instrument away. I go to lunch and I search the cafeteria for Bella. I see her sitting alone and I sit across from her.
“Hi Bella” I say to get her attention. She ignores me. “Hello?” I am confused as to why she won’t respond to me. Did I do something wrong? What'd I do? How'd I ruin it this time? I can't do this again. Please don’t say it. Please don’t walk away, don't leave me, I'm begging. Well if I leave first she can't leave. I hate her. I don't even like her. Why am I being nice to her? Why am I lying to myself? I want her to leave me. I'd rather have no friends than her. I suddenly get super mad.
“Fuck you you're so selfish I’m the only one to have to patience to be a good friend to you I’m the only one who decided to stay and this is how you repay me by ignoring me?” I yell.
“Leanna was right about you you know I wondered why I couldn’t make anymore more friends I thought people just thought I was weird and you were the only one who stayed but hearing what you did to Leanna It wasn’t me it was you you’re such a selfish terrible person and you just held me back you’re the worst person I ever met you’re not even a person you’re just a burden” she yells tears streaming down her eyes.
I punched her in the face. I don't even look at her straight. Everything is blurry. I just keep punching and punching until I get pulled away from her by a teacher. You ruin everything without even trying, are you stupid? You ruined the relationship without trying without even thinking you don’t deserve to live you should just jumps wants you to stop, Stop, STOP but I don’t stop I get sat in a room in the office last thing I remember is the look on Bella’s face the blood on my fist and the feeling of a smile on my face I’m fucking psycho I was smiling while I beat up my one only friend. I fall asleep in the room I was it I had a dream it reminds me of what I did to Leanna we were fighting over text I got so mad I crossed a line the next thing I know is her parents telling me to never talk to her again and that she was in the hospital from a suicide attempt I didn’t mean to I didn’t know I wasn’t thinking I never think.
